小镇滋味

亲爱的 我可以自己来
Sweetie, I can do this on my own.
不 我和你一起去 我没事
No, I'm going with you. I'm fine.
天啊
Jesus.
我在想 也许我们今天可以不翘课
Hey, I was thinking, maybe instead of ditching again today,
而是去上课作为我们反抗的方式
we could go to class as an act of rebellion?
就像民权运动的静♥坐♥抗♥议♥那样
Like the sit-ins of the Civil Rights Movement.
只是我们是坐在课桌前
Except we'll be sitting at desks
而且没有道德使命
and have no real moral imperative.
经历了过去几天所发生的事以后
After everything that's happened the last couple of days,
我觉得学校太无聊了 我想做点刺♥激♥的事
school's too boring. I want to do something exciting.
珍妮·露易丝横穿高速公路
Janie Lewis ran across the freeway.
这个就算了
So that's out.
我继父的车♥库♥里有很多防暴装备
Oh, my stepdad has a bunch of intense riot gear in the garage.
我和朋友杰克逊有时候会穿上防弹衣
Sometimes my friend Jackson and I will put on the body armor
互相用棍子用力击打对方
and just hit each other with sticks... hard.
几乎没有感觉
You can barely feel it.
就算打到蛋蛋也是
Even in the balls. So...
-我不想干那个 -不适合每个人
- I don't want to do that. - It's not for everyone.
-腹肌小艾 机器男 -他叫艾瑞克
- Hey, Six Minute Abs. Robot Guy. - Oh, it's Eric.
没关系 你好 莎拉·伊丽莎白·牛顿
It's okay. Hi, Sarah Elizabeth Newton.
你来这儿干什么 你从不翘课的
What are you doing here? You don't ditch school.
-就胡乱尝试新事物 -真不错
- Just trying shit out. - I love that for you.
我之前买♥♥过白鼬
I once bought a ferret.
如果在聊尝试新事物的话
I mean, if we're all talking about trying shit out,
我买♥♥过一只白鼬
I bought a ferret.
你今天也要翘课吗 想出去玩吗
Okay, are you ditching today, too? Do you wanna hang out?
不 我不行 我要见科尔
Oh, no, I can't. I'm seeing Cole.
看看他送我的三个月纪念日的礼物
Look what he got me for our three-month anniversary.
天啊 他真是个好男孩
God, he's such a sweet boy.
他不是男孩 莎拉 他是个26岁的毒贩
He's not a boy, Sarah. I mean, he's a 26-year-old drug dealer
开着一辆写着"来问我的小丁丁"标语的车
who drives a car that says, "ask me about my tiny dick."
莎拉
Yo, Sarah.
别羡慕 我的人生就是这么刺♥激♥
Don't be jealous. I just have an exciting life.
顺便说一句 他有根完美的小丁丁
And by the way, it is a perfect starter dick.
爱你 今晚给你打电♥话♥
I love you, okay? I'll call you tonight.
我的人生一点也不刺♥激♥
Yeah, I don't have an exciting life at all.
我妈是活死人
I mean, I just have an undead mom
我们把吃了一半的尸体埋到了荒漠里而已
and we buried a half-eaten corpse in the desert.
你妈真是让刺♥激♥生活的标准变高了
Your mom really raised the bar.
真希望我能想出什么特别有趣的事去做
I just wish I could think of something super fun to do.
-你喜欢游戏吗 能测试... -不喜欢
- Do you like games that test your... - No.
我也是
Yeah, me neither.
没关系 你的工作不是哄我开心
It's okay, it's not your job to make me happy.
我的工作就是哄你开心 然后我刚刚被炒了
Sounds like it was and I just got fired.
他和我分手了
He broke up with me.
他连车都没下 还把我的玉米饼拿走了
He didn't even get out of his car and he took my quesadilla.
他开车经过把我甩了
He drive-thru dumped me.
那个混♥蛋♥ 别难过 莎拉
That jerk. I'm sorry, Sarah.
-你可以吃我的玉米卷 -我不想要玉米卷
- You can have one of my taquitos. - I don't want a taquito.
那个混♥蛋♥大叔
That middle-aged fuck boy.
我还把那件蓝色毛衣落在他家了
And I left my blue sweater at his house.
你生日我送的那件吗 我超爱那件毛衣
The one I got you for your birthday? I love that sweater.
-我也很喜欢 -男人们真可恶
- I love that sweater. - Men are such assholes.
我想报复他
I wanna get back at him.
这事可做
That's something we could do today.
报复一个毒贩吗 听起来有点危险
Go after a drug dealer? That sounds a little dangerous.
对吧
I know, right?
当然 我们该去试试
Yeah, for sure, we should lean into that.
我们买♥♥了放尸体的冷藏柜 这事搞定
Well, we bought a freezer to keep bodies in, so that's done.
现在只需要一个邪恶 罪有应得
All we need now is someone who's evil, deserving,
没人会惦记 体积不到0.5立方米的人
won't be missed, and is under 18 cubic feet.
我们可不能杀我妈
We're not killing my mother.
我没提议她
I wasn't suggesting that,
但是你的思路很有意思
but it's so interesting that's where your mind went.
我肚子饿得直叫
My stomach's growling.
里克 你好
Hey, Rick.
里克 你好
Hi, Rick.
对不起 我刚才在听烹饪节目 非常放松
Sorry. I was listening to a cooking podcast. Very relaxing.
你知道 西兰花 菜花
Did you know, broccoli, cauliflower,
还有甘蓝小包菜都是同一科的吗
and Brussels sprouts are all from the same family?
真神奇 你是警♥察♥
Awesome. So you're a cop.
你知道咱们周围有犯罪分子吗
Are there any criminals who live in this neighborhood?
就是那种 真正的畜生 社会败类
You know, real animals, society's waste,
坏得只能独居
people so bad that they live alone.
我们问这个是因为我们有一些客户
The reason we ask is 'cause we have some clients
想要了解犯罪情况
who want to know about crime
尤其是坏人都住在哪
and specifically where bad people live.
咱们这一片挺好的
Well, this neighborhood's pretty good.
但是有个恋童癖刚搬到街那边
But a pedophile just moved in down the street.
恋童癖太完美了
A pedophile's perfect.
完美 正是我们想要的
Yeah, perfect. That's just what we need, right?
至少你家孩子已经16岁 过了青春期了
At least your kid is 16 and past her prime.
我家孩子才6个月大
I got a six-month-old.
我不是说你们女儿不性感
I'm not saying your daughter's not desirable.
我的意思是她对恋童癖来说没有稚嫩的性感
I'm just saying she's not toddler hot. To a pedophile.
他们是这么说的
That's how they talk.
这人长什么样
So, what's this guy look like?
35岁左右 意大利人 挺健硕的
About 35, Italian, beefy.
那这个健硕的意大利人 活动范围是怎样的
So this beefy Italian, walking distance?
不用担心 所有的恋童癖都是登记在册的
Don't worry about it. All pedophiles are on the registry.
受密切监视
Very closely monitored.
-这样啊 -一帮死变♥态♥
- Really? - Yeah, sick bastards.
他们就算是买♥♥瓶护肤液
They can't even buy a bottle of lotion
我们都知道
without us knowing about it.
看 大黄蜂找到我的迷迭香了
Oh, look, Mr. Bumblebee found my rosemary.
要知道发散性思维也没什么坏处
Just remember there are no bad ideas in spitballing.
我吃里克怎么样
What if I eat Rick?
我觉得发散性思维可能想出馊主意
I think there might be bad ideas in spitballing.
你不能把邻居吃了
You can't eat our neighbor.
他扎根到自己的草药园里了
Oh, he's knee-deep in his herb garden,
这人简直就是在给自己调味
the man is seasoning himself.
我需要食物 我都要饿疯了
I need food. I'm losing my mind.
找个杀人对想怎么就这么难呢
Why is it so hard to find someone to kill?
每次我去买♥♥咖啡
Every time I get coffee,
总有个混♥蛋♥朝咖啡师吼
there's some dipshit yelling at the barista.
要不我给科尔家订一打披萨外卖♥♥报复他吧
Maybe I get back at Cole by sending a dozen pizzas to his house.
不行 我们得玩点大的
No, we have to think bigger than that.
要是史诗级 永生难忘的
We need something epic, unforgettable.
同时要和他的所作所为相称
Yet proportionate.
去他妈的相称
Screw proportionate.
艾比回家了
Abby's home.
我们谈论的这个人
I mean, we're talking about a guy
简直是史上最大恶人
who is literally the worst person ever.
-"史上最大恶人" -有点意思
- "Worst person ever." - I'm interested.
他就是个恶魔
The man is a monster.
是啊 他都26了还和未成年少女滚床单
Yeah, he's 26 and has sex with underage girls.
听起来不错
I like the sound of that.
而且还向青少年兜售毒品
Plus, he sells drugs to kids.
他向青少年兜售毒品
He sells drugs to kids.
我发誓 我们刚开始约会时我不知道这事
I swear, I had no idea about that when we started dating.
他Instagram的用户名是少年大♥麻♥
His Instagram is KidWeed.
我还以为那是讽刺呢
I thought that was ironic.
少年大♥麻♥
打扰下 服务生 我要这个
Excuse me, waiter? I'll have that.
希拉&乔
你知道吗
Did you know,
三周后 这间房♥就挂牌一年了
in three weeks we'll have had this listing for a year?
不是我们的错
It's not our fault.
要价太高了
It's priced too high,
房♥主就是不肯降价
the seller won't come down,
而且这里即将要发生一场谋杀
and there's about to be a murder in here.