成功镇凶案（2015）

大家好 我是来自电视和电台节目的Mark Wright
Hello, I'm Mark Wright from TV and radio,
今天我要演一出警♥匪♥戏
and today I'm starring in my very own cop drama.
我完全不知道接下来会发生什么
I've got no idea what's about to happen to me
所以祝我好运吧
So wish me luck.
我要去成功镇了
I'm off to Successville.
欢迎来到成功镇 一个名人聚集的小镇
Welcome to Successville, a town full of celebrities.
这里的名人有时会触犯法律
Sometimes the famous faces that live here break the law,
这个时候 就轮到我出手了
and when they do, I'm here to take them down.
我是Sleet探长
I'm DI Sleet.
凶杀案使我欲♥火♥焚身
Homicide makes me hard.
正义使我小便失禁
Justice makes me wet.
小象使我痛哭不止
And baby elephants make me cry.
我就是这么一个神经错乱的警♥察♥ 有种告我啊
I'm just a whole heap of mixed-up cop,so sue me.
Sleet - 嘿 头儿
Sleet. - Hey, boss.
我能不能
Can I, erm...
和你聊聊
talk to you?
当然可以 我的大门一直为朋友敞开
Whatever you want. My door's always open for a friend.
进来吧 - 谢谢
Come in. - Thank you.
你还好吗
You OK?
Ricardo离开了我 - 真抱歉 头儿
Ricardo's left me. - Sorry to hear that, boss.
这 额 大概
Well, erm, I guess...
你有没有觉得我
Do you find me...
很粗暴
abrasive?
专横 难相处
Overbearing? Difficult to be around?
头儿 如果要我说实话
Well, chief, if I'm honest with you...
请讲
Yeah, please.
我们所有人都这么觉得 所有人
All of us do. All the guys here.
我是说 你简直可恶至极
I mean, you're horrible.
你是个又刻薄又恶毒的人 - 是吗 那你又是个什么货色 Sleet
You're a mean, nasty man. - Yeah? Well, what about you, Sleet?
你在这里又算什么 - 现在不是在讨论我啊 头儿
What you are in all of this... - It's not about me, Chief.
我就是要说说你
Well, it is about you, you...
你个自大的挑剔鬼
you bloated carp!
什么 - 你看起来就跟睡在山洞里一样
What? - Yeah, you look like you sleep in a cave.
看你这地方 臭死了
Look at this place! It stinks.
你也臭死了
And you stink!
真是多谢你了 Sleet - 但你
Thanks for nothing, Sleet! - But you...
他在里面 - 该死
He's in there. - Damn it.
真♥他♥妈♥该死
Damn it to hell.
你♥他♥妈♥又是谁啊
Who the hell are you?
我是Mark Sleet探长
I'm Mark, DI Sleet.
Mark 什么 - Mark Wright
Mark what? - Mark Wright.
坐吧 - 非常感谢
Take a seat. - Thank you very much.
你是个勇敢的男孩吗 Wright
You a brave boy, Wright?
我非常勇敢 - 哦 真的吗
A very brave boy. - Oh, really?
你很自恋啊
You like yourself, huh?
你会打架吗
You can fight?
会 我随身带着这俩拳头
Yeah, I've got a pair of hands on me.
我还是不错的
I'm not too bad.
你和女人们相处得怎么样
How are you with the ladies?
在这事儿上我敢保证
That's one thing I can guarantee
没人比我更擅长
there's no-one better.
真的 - 没人
Oh, really? - No-one.
咱这就是俩男人随便聊聊
This is purely two guys having a chat.
就像两个乡村舞会上的男人
Just two Gs having a hoedown,
谈论小妞们
chatting about honeys.
那个 你做♥爱♥是什么风格
Erm, what's your bonking style?
你都怎么做
What do you go with?
慢慢地来 循序渐进
Start slow, build it up.
我是这么做的
This is what I do.
你不要把这事告诉别人
You can't tell anyone about this.
我做的时候盯着她们的眼睛
I go and look them in the eye.
一 二 三 插
One, two, three, thrust.
一 二 三 抽
One, two, three, out.
一 二 三 插
One, two, three, thrust.
一 二 三 抽
One, two, three, out.
一 二 三 插
One, two, three, thrust.
一 二 三 抽
One, two, three, out.
咱俩有两个共同点 - 是吗
There's two things me and you have got in common. - Right, yep?
我们的发型都很好看
We've both got good hair.
对 没错 - 而且我们都将要教给对方一些东西
Yep, bingo. - And we're both going to teach each other something.
你将要教我成为
You're going to teach me to become
世界上最棒的警♥察♥
the best police officer in the world.
对 - 而我会教你怎么做♥爱♥
Right. - And I'm going to teach you how to shag.
你看 Wright
Yeah, you see, Wright,
我啪啪啪之后会做的一件事
one of the things I do after I do some bonking,
做完爱之后
after I lay down some sex,
我会让姑娘们填一个反馈表
is I ask girls to fill out a feedback form.
有个女人说我射♥精♥的时候腿会哆嗦得像只狗
One lady told me when I ejaculate, my leg shakes like a dog.
我也有过这种情况
I've been there.
哦 是吗 - 是
Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
说实话 听你这么说我自我感觉好多了
Well, this is making me feel better about myself, if I'm honest.
尤其是当你跪着的时候
Especially when you're on your knees.
你还跪着做吗 - 嗯
Do you go on your knees? - Mm.
什么时候 - 狗爬式
When? - Doggy style.
那是什么 - 就是
What's that? - It's when...
就是
It's when the...
就是女人背对着你
It's when the lady faces the other way,
她也跪着 - 这样啊
she's on her knees. - Right.
你跪在她身后 然后
You're on your knees behind her and...
你会学狗叫吗 你在狗爬式的时候会学狗叫吗
And do you bark? Do you bark during doggie style?
没 我没那么做过 你可以试试 - 行吧
No, I've never done that. You could do. - OK.
反正 你知道吗 Mark
Anyway, well, you know something, Mark,
我感觉咱俩真的很投缘
I feel like we've really hit it off.
你们两个屌♥丝聊什么呢
What are you two losers talking about?
其实Mark刚刚在跟我讲
Well, actually, you know, Mark here was just telling me
一些不同的性♥爱♥技巧 - 是吗 是吗
about different sexual techniques. - Really, really?
真抱歉我要让你们这手♥淫♥会馆关门了
Well, I'm sorry to close down the wank parlour.
Sleet 也许你可以给这个绣花枕头讲一下
Sleet, perhaps you could explain to this buffed-up piss spoon
那个正在毁掉成功镇的可怕的毒品
about the terrible drug that's ravaging Successville.
毒品米兰达 你听说过吗
Miranda.You ever heard of it?
呃 没有
Er, no.
我想让你们出去收拾这个烂摊子 好吧
I want you to go out and clean this mess up, yes?
我盯着你们呢
I've got my eye on you...
大男孩
big boy.
别管他 听着 孩子
Don't worry about him. Listen, kid,
你准备好去追查毒品米兰达
you ready to go and chase down this drug Miranda
教训毒贩子们再打他们个头破血流了吗
and kick in some drug dealers and beat their heads in?
我准备好了
I'm ready.
那么Mark Wright 性♥爱♥勇士
Then Mark Wright, sexual warrior,
让我们去破案吧
let's go solve a crime.
就像拉屎一样
Like taking a big dump,
告密者很恶心 但不可或缺
snitches were disgusting, but necessary.
我们要去见Daniel Radcliffe
We headed to see Daniel Radcliffe,
这个狡猾的街头败类有关于米兰达的消息
a sneaky street maggot who had information about Miranda.
Radcliffe
Radcliffe!
Radcliffe 你这狡猾的黄鼠狼
Radcliffe, you little weasel!
怎么的 你耳朵被屎糊上了吗
What, you got shit in your ears?
现在看来 我应该把车停近一点儿
In retrospect, I probably could have parked a little closer.
是啊 咱干脆打个车吧 他离得那么远呢
Yeah, we could get a taxi to him, he's that far.
行了 哥们 别再让我更难堪了 Mark
All right, mate, don't make me feel even worse about it, Mark.
这有点尴尬啊
Bit awkward, you know
叫你回头之后还走这么半天
that long walk after I got you to turn round all the way back.
是啊 我也这么觉得
Yeah, I thought that, too.
最近怎么样啊 你这小混♥蛋♥
How you doing, you little crap-weasel?
嗨 Sleet 这累赘是谁啊
Hi, Sleet! Who's the baggage?
累赘 告诉他你是谁 - 我是Mark
Baggage, tell him. - I'm Mark.
好吧 我不太喜欢新面孔
Ah, well, I don't much like new people.
我们也不是来联谊的 是吧
We ain't here for a social, are we?
告诉他我们想知道什么
Tell him what we want to know about.
关于米兰达你都知道些什么
Miranda. what you got for us?