成功镇凶案（2015）

大家好 我是<切尔西制♥造♥>里的Jamie Laing
Hi, I'm Jamie Laing and I'm from Made In Chelsea,
但是今天我演的是一出警♥匪♥戏
but today, I'm starring in my own cop drama.
我要破解一桩谋杀案 但是我对犯罪嫌疑人
I have to solve a murder. I don't know any of the suspects
和将要发生的事情都没有一点头绪
and I don't know anything that is going to happen to me.
祝我好运 我要去成功镇了
Wish me good luck. I'm off to Successville.
欢迎来到成功镇 一个名人聚集的小镇
Welcome to Successville. A town full of celebrities.
住在这里的名人们有时会触犯法律
Sometimes the famous faces who live here break the law.
这就是轮到我出手的时候了
And when they do, I'm here to take them down.
我是DI Sleet
I'm DI Sleet.
D是警探的意思 不是Deborah
The D is for Detective, not Deborah,
因为没有"Deborah长"这么奇怪的称呼
because there's no such thing as a Deborah Inspector.
我吞噬犯罪 痛饮正义 然后拉到裤子里
I eat crime. I drink justice, and I shit myself.
那是一个周四
It was Thursday.
我知道是周四
I knew it was Thursday
因为我的日历上写的是周五
because the calendar on my desk said it was Friday.
我过得比别人快一天 这样我就能抢先坏蛋们一步
I run a day fast so I stay one step ahead of the bad guys.
Sleet 你给人事部门告状
Sleet? What's all this about you
说我欺负你是什么情况
filing a report about me to HR for bullying?
有时候你有些太强硬了 长官
Ah, it's just at time you can be something of a hard-on, Chief.
但是你有时候就是个贱逼 不硬不行
Yes, but at times, Sleet, you can be a cat's dick-hole.
你♥他♥妈♥怎么敢这样对我 我还为你做了那么多事
How dare you? How fucking dare you, after all I've done for you?
我他妈要把这份报告卷成一根鸡♥巴♥
I'm gonna take this report, roll it into a sausage
捅到你的菊花里
and shove it up your arse!
那麻烦您这次至少给润滑一下
Will you at least grease me up this time, sir?
你真是 我给你找了个新人
Oh, God. I've got you a new recruit.
年轻人 快进来
Young man, inside, quick as you can.
你好 - 你好
Hello. - Hello.
这位是Sleet探长 他会训练你的
This is DI Sleet. He's gonna be breaking you in.
这是Jamie Laing
This is Jamie Laing.
他什么都不知道
He hasn't got a fucking clue what's going on.
Sleet会教你怎么做的 没问题吧
Sleet's gonna show you the ropes. Is that all right?
我没有给你太多压力吧
I'm not imposing on you too much now, am I?
没问题 长官 - 傻屌♥
That's fine, sir. - Bell-end!
你好
Hi.
所以 小公主当够了
So, daddy's little princess doesn't want a pony any more.
想体验体验真正的警♥察♥生活
He wants to be a real-life policeman.
对吧 - 对 就是这样
Is that right? - Yeah, I do, I do. That's why I'm here.
我想成为一名警♥察♥
I want to be a policeman.
你兴奋吗 - 我很兴奋
You excited? - I'm very excited.
坐吧
Take a seat.
你小子喜欢笑啊 - 不 我不喜欢笑
You like to laugh, do you? - No. I don't like to laugh.
其实我是感觉不太舒服的时候才笑
I mean, I laugh when I feel uncomfortable.
你喜欢聚会么
Do you like to party?
喜欢
Um, yes.
跟我说说你去过最爽的聚会
Best party you ever went to, tell me about it.
那是一个梦幻岛主题聚会 但是更像一个
It was a Neverland theme party but it was more like,
童话故事主题
um, fairy tales.
有姑娘吗
Were there girls there?
有 然后你得
There were girls there, and you had to...
你有没有和她们"亲热"
Did you, as the Americans may say, "Make out"?
有吧
I think I probably would've.
怎么样
How did it go down?
就那样吧 - 做给我看看
I mean, it went down OK. I... - Show me.
你当时怎么做的
Show me how you did it.
通用警♥察♥章程
Usual police protocol,
用这个手势表示姑娘的嘴唇
use this as her lips.
像这样
Like this. OK?
所以你准备要接吻了
So you line up for the kiss.
你亲她之前有说什么不
Did you say anything before you kissed her?
没吧 应该没有 我就直接亲了
No, I don't think I did. I think I just went for the kiss.
我的天
Oh, God.
这 - 你们亲了多久
This is... - How long did the kiss go on for?
做给我看 伸了舌头么
Show me. Was there tongues?
伸了一点吧
There was a bit of tongue.
然后呢 这画面我不能错过
Then...I must see this.
好吧
Ok.
啊 - 真不好意思打扰你 Sleet
Oh. - So sorry to interrupt you, Sleet.
我刚在想能不能请你
I was just wondering if you could get round
快他妈动身给老子去解决凶杀案
to getting your useless arse in gear and solving a murder?!
哪来这么多凶杀案 他们就不能消停下
God, will they never stop killing?
Bruno Tonioli被人杀死了
Bruno Tonioli, somebody's got to him.
餐馆老板 - 对 就是他
The restaurateur? - Yes. The restaurateur.
快行动起来 我会关注你们的
Quick as you can, boys. I'll be watching you.
如果你们把这案子搞砸了 你们也完了 明白么
If you screw this up, I'll knock your bollocks off. Yes?
明白
Yes.
明白就好
Good.
快行动起来
Chop chop.
好了 准备开工 起立
So, kid, this is it. To your feet.
让我们去破案吧
Let's go solve a crime!
你的亲热事迹我们路上再细说
We'll work on your kissing on the way.
我们去了Bruno Tonioli的餐馆 事关重大
We headed to Bruno Tonioli's restaurant. It was a big deal.
Laing第一次见识犯罪现场
Laing was popping his cherry on his first crime scene.
弹道学专家Taylor Swift先到了这里
Head of Ballistics, Taylor Swift, was already there.
你人生中第一个犯罪现场 小伙子
Your first crime scene, kid.
Sleet 好久不见
Sleet, it's been a while.
嗨 Taylor
Oh, hi, Taylor.
这谁啊
Who's this guy?
这是Jamie Laing 我手下的新人
Oh, this is Jamie Laing. He's a sweet, young innocent.
我带他领会领会凶残的犯罪世界
I'm bringing him into a whole world of hurt and pain.
这不是你的长项嘛
Oh, you're good at that, aren't you?
说真的 小心点
Seriously, watch this guy, OK?
你会被他带进坑里的 然后
Cos he'll lead you on, and then, pfff!
我们就干过两次
Oh, we only had two sexes.
你笑什么 - 没事
What are you laughing at? - Nothing.
别聊了 我们来看看犯罪现场 - 好
It's time we started looking at this murder scene. - Yeah.
你们看 血液和脑组织的痕迹表明
Look. The trajectory of the blood and the brain matter suggests
不管那个男凶手是谁 - 或者是女凶手
that the murderer, whoever he was... - Or she.
不管那个男凶手还是女凶手 - 或者是一帮凶手
Whoever he or she was.. - Or they.
不管是男凶手还是女凶手还是 - 一帮凶手
Whoever he or she or they was... - Or were.
好好好 不管是男凶手还是凶手还是一帮凶手
OK. Whoever he or she or they was or were,
之前就坐在这里
was or were sitting right here.
好了 现在你来站在凶手的角度想问题
OK, kid, it's time you got inside the mind of a murderer.
屁♥股♥撂这里
Park your caboose down there.
你这么讲话好性感啊
I like it when you talk like this
平息一下你的欲♥火♥ Swift
Try and keep your knickers on, Swift.
你现在看到了什么 从证据的角度入手
Now what do you see, evidence-wise?
这里有些欧元纸币 - 有欧元啊
So we have euro notes. - Oh, euros.
说起欧元 你还记得我们那次去巴黎么
Euros. Do you remember that time we went to Paris once?
他带我去香榭丽舍大道散步
He, like, took me along the Champs-Elysees.
我们一起吃了顿难忘的晚餐
We went for, like, a beautiful dinner,
接着他又带我去了埃菲尔铁塔 然后爆了我菊花
and then he took me to the Eiffel Tower, and he bummed me.
他爆了你菊花 - 嗯
He bummed you? - Mm-hm.
我可没带她去过什么巴黎 什么香榭丽舍大街
I didn't take her to Paris or the Champs-Elysees.
别写这个 你写这个干嘛
Don't write this down. Why would you write that down?
这又不是证据 和案子没关系
It's not evidence. It's not about the case.
这只是一些风流菊事
It's just about a bit of bumming.
还有什么证据
What else is there, kid?
还有一些烟
We have cigarettes.
这样 看来凶手是个烟枪
Ah, okey dokey, we have a smoky.
还有一张收据
We have a receipt.
收据上写了什么 大声读出来 - 一份蔬菜沙拉
What's on the receipt? Read it out. - A green salad.
用意大利口音念 这样我们就能感受当时的情境了
Do it in an Italian accent, so we can set the mood.
一份蔬菜沙拉
A green salad...
Bruno Tonioli 来份蔬菜沙拉
Bruno Tonioli, a green salad,
培根奶油意面
spaghetti carbonara...
焗通心粉
..Penne al forno...
提拉米苏
..Ah, tiramisu...
苹果派 起司蛋糕 还要一杯红酒
..Grapple pie, a cheesecake, a glass of house-a red.
你现在应该知道凶手在想什么了吧
OK, kid. You now should be inside the mind of a killer.
你开的什么车 - 我不开车
What car do you drive? - I don't drive.