成功镇凶案（2015）

大家好 我是真人秀<乔弟海岸>的Vicky Pattison
Hello, I am Vicky Pattison from Geordie Shore
也是丛林女王
and Queen Of The Jungle,
但今天我要主演我自己的警♥匪♥戏
but today I'm starring in me very own cop drama.
我不知道将会发生什么
I've got no idea what's going to happen to us,
祝我好运吧 我要出发去成功镇了
so wish me luck. I'm off to Successville.
欢迎来到成功镇
Welcome to Successville,
一个名人聚集的小镇
a town full of celebrities.
这里的名人有时会触犯法律
Sometimes the famous faces that live here break the law
这个时候 就轮到我出手了
and when they do, I'm here to take them down.
我是Sleet探长
I am DI Sleet
我用罪恶刷牙
I brush my teeth with crime.
我以坏人擦腚
I wipe my ass with bad guys,
我用除锈剂给水壶除锈
and I de-scale my kettle with kettle descaler.
好像也没别的办法
I guess there's no other way.
你怎么不干活 - 呃 我
Why aren't you doing any work? - Well, I...
你怎么不干活 你个懒猪
Why aren't you doing any work, you fat slob?
其实 今天是个特殊的日子 长官
Well, actually, it's a special day today, Sir.
每个人每年都有这么一天的
It comes around once a year for everyone.
是你生日啊 - 没错
It's your birthday! - Exactly it is.
太对不起了 我完全不知道
I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
每年都是这个日子
It's the same day every year.
我他妈一点都不在乎
I could not give a solitary shit.
所以你现在没有礼物送我了
So you have no gift for me at present?
其实我还真有 - 真的吗
Actually, as a matter of fact, I do. - Oh, really?
新来的 - 噢太棒了
Rookie! - Oh, great
生日快乐 Sleet
Happy birthday, Sleet!
你好呀 - 这是Vicky Pattison 新鲜出炉
Hiya! - This is Vicky Pattison, yes, fresh off the shelf.
不要把她整垮了 不然我他妈就整死你
Try not to break her or I will fucking break you.
我会整垮她的
I'll break her!
我不会的 抱歉
I don't...sorry.
谢了
Thanks.
你好
Hiya.
坐吧 - 他脾气不太好啊
Take a seat. - He is a bit of a helmet, isn't he?
他脾气可臭了 每天跟我撒气
He's a complete helmet, he busts my balls all the time.
这个握手方式有点诡异
That was a weird handshake.
我知道 我手指这么动了一下
I know, I did a finger thing.
没事 坐吧 Pattison - 可能有点紧张
Don't worry, take a seat, Pattison. - I think I'm nervous
怎么还有蛋糕呢
What's with the cake?
今天是我生日
Well, it's my birthday today.
生日快乐 - 谢谢
Happy birthday! - Thank you.
非常感谢
Thank you very much.
你要戴一个这种酷酷的生日帽吗 - 好啊谢谢
Hey, do you want one of these cool birthday hats? - Yes, please.
要不我们一人戴一个 - 好啊
Shall we both put one on? - Yeah
我觉得会挺古灵精怪的
I think it will be whimsical.
我喜欢古灵精怪这个词 只是不怎么用
I like the word whimsical, I don't use it enough.
你想玩传包裹吗 - 那是什么
You want a game of pass the parcel? - What's that?
啊对 传包裹 好啊 来吧
Oh, all right, pass the parcel. Let's do it, then.
我这儿有个礼物 你准备好了吗
I've got this present, so you ready?
噢 准备好了
Yeah, man, of course.
知道怎么玩的吗 你知道规则吗
You know how it works? Do you know the rules?
一直传 音乐停的时候 就拆包裹
Pass it on, music stops, undo the wrapping?
你真是我见过最聪明的人
You are the cleverest person I've ever met.
谢谢 - 真的是
Thank you. - You really are.
我还拿了个学位呢
I've got a degree.
是吗 什么学位 如何变酷
Have you? What in? Being cool?
喜剧 传媒和文化研究
Drama, Media & Cultural Studies.
噢好吧 没我想得那么酷 - 是有点差劲啦
Oh, right, that isn't as cool as I thought. - No, it's a bit wank.
嗯 来吧传包裹
Yeah. Hey, pass the parcel.
开始吧
Yeah, let's do it.
让我们嗨起来
Let's get this party really started.
我喜欢这个 - 开始
Yeah, I like it. - Go!
噢 什么鬼 - 你拆吧
Oh! What the hell? - You go for it.
里面好像有
Seems that we have...
内♥裤♥
pants!
哇 很酷的内♥裤♥啊 - 还有
Wow, they are cool pants. - And also...
一件背心 你穿内♥裤♥我穿背心怎么样
A vest. Do you want to wear the pants and I'll wear the vest?
好啊 - 行 来吧
Y...yeah. - OK. There you go.
这简直太酷了
That'll be so frigging cool.
我们待会应该穿着这个 喝个烂醉
We should just get so drunk later and still have this on.
行呀 我同意
Yeah! I'm up for that.
噢 我内♥裤♥卡我脚后跟上了
Oh, my pants are stuck on my heel.
我的背心卡在后面标签上了
My vest is stuck on my carpets.
你看 - 我觉得
Look at this! - I mean...
看看这是谁 - 你看起来像个超级英雄 Sleet
Who's this guy? - You look like a superhero, Sleet.
我就是
Yeah, well, I am.
噢 Pattison 这简直太棒了
Oh, wow. Pattison, this is so epic!
很强
It's strong.
此时 此地 - 嗯
This right here, right now... - Yeah
我要说这是我有过的最好的生日
I will label it as the best birthday of all time of my life.
行了 Sleet探长 游戏结束了
Right, DI Sleet, the game is up.
你因涉嫌一起谋杀案被逮捕了
I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder.
头儿 你在开玩笑吧
You're joking. Chief, come on,
这是什么生日玩笑吗
is this some kind of joke for my birthday?
你这是什么意思
What do you mean by this?
Nick Knowles死在了你的车里
Nick Knowles has been found dead in your fucking car!
是的 车被开到树林里 然后遗弃了
Yes, it was driven up to the woods and dumped.
他昨晚被谋杀了
He was killed last night.
我靠 我谁也没杀
Goddammit, I ain't killed no-one.
你要相信我 Pattison - 我相信
You got to believe me, Pattison. - I do
交出你的配枪和警徽 猪头
Hand over your gun and badge, pig!
拿出来有点费劲 我外面还套了内♥裤♥
It's weird getting it out because I've got pants over my...
你♥他♥妈♥穿着什么鬼东西
What the fuck are you wearing?
今天是他生日 头儿
It's his birthday, Chief...
天啊 你也这德行
God, you as well.
你知道 为这枚警徽我不惜献身
You know I'd die for this badge.
去你的 头儿
Damn you, Chief.
我他妈是这里最好的警♥察♥
I'm the best copper in this damn force.
把他铐起来 Sid
Cuff him, Sid!
放开我 Lowcroft 我还以为我们是朋友呢
Get off me, Lowcroft! Come on, I thought we were friends!
我告诉你 Lowcroft
Let me tell you something, Lowcroft,
真希望我当时像其他人一样在圣诞派对上跟你老婆上♥床♥
I wish I'd had sex with your wife at the Christmas party like everybody else did.
啊 Lowcroft 你干什么
Ah, Lowcroft, what are you doing?
你在动我屁♥股♥
You're fingering my ass
就跟你在床底下找婚鞋一样
like you're looking under your bed for your wedding shoes.
你没把你手指插他屁♥股♥里去吧 Lowcroft
You're not sticking your fingers up his arse, are you, Lowcroft?
他正试着呢 头儿
He's trying to, Chief
放开我 Lowcroft 你还没干够吗
Get off me, Lowcroft, have you not done enough?
Sleet - Pattison 你要救我出来还我清白
Sleet. - Pattison, you need to free me and clear my name.
我会的 Sleet - 不是我♥干♥的 我发誓
I will, Sleet. - I didn't do it, I swear!
Sleet 我相信你 - Pattison 还我清白
I believe you, Sleet. - PATTISON, CLEAR MY NAME!
好 - 你现在要靠自己了 小子
OK - You're on your own now, kid.
是时候好好表现了
Time to put your best bollock forward.
祝你好运 - 谢谢
Good luck! - Thanks.
Pattison Pattison Pattison
Pattison, Pattison, Pattison!
坐吧
Take a seat.
没事吧 - 不 Pattison 有事
Is everything OK? - No, Pattison, not everything's OK.
我被诬陷谋杀 还被关进了号♥子
I've been fitted up for murder and now I'm in the big house.
我告诉你 这里没别人说的那么酷
And let me tell you, this ain't as cool as people say.
可没那么好
It ain't that nice here.
吃的东西很差 还臭烘烘的
The food's cruddy, it stinks.
还有让我特别不爽的是他们给我的衣服
The other thing that really gets my goat is this uniform they've given me.
太小了 - 至少橘色很适合你
It's too small. - But at least orange is your colour.
那你觉得我看起来好看吗 - 嗯
Oh, do you think I look nice? - Yeah.
这就有点奇怪了 Lee之前也这么说过
It's a bit weird, Lee said that, too.
他说如果我梳一晚上头的话 他就带我出去吃饭
He said if I did my hair up all night, he'd take me for dinner.
他说如果我想的话
He said to me if I wanted
他可以给我点他的泡泡浴
he could lend me some of his bubble bath.
他看起来是那种特别直的人 你知道吧
So he seems like a real straight guy, you know
很直率的人
a real straight shooter.
我觉得他根本不"直"
I think straight is the last thing he is.