老妈驾到（2021）

Call Your Mother S01E01

Part 4 Jan. 15, 2021, 1 p.m.

你真是太差劲了
You are kind of being the worst.
我们半认真地谈了一个月
We've been semi-serious for a month,
超级认真地谈了两个月
and super serious for two months,
我都不知道你还有个姐姐
and I didn't even know you had a sister.
如果你不能像个成年人一样处理好家事
I'm not going anywhere with you until you deal with this family stuff.
那我哪也不去
Like a grown-ass man.
你知道你有个这么关心你的母亲有多幸运吗
You know how lucky you are to have a mother who cares that much?
我妈可不会大老远飞过来给我撒圣水
My mother wouldn't fly out here to throw holy water on me.
只有我被"一个村子"那句话感动了吗
Am I the only one who was moved by that village speech?
-是的 -是的
- Yes. - Yeah.
我要去上班了
I'm gonna go to work.
我得直播买♥♥燕麦牛奶
I have to livestream myself buying oat milk.
你想来吗你可以装作我男伴
You want to come? You can be my fake date now.
舞会我都去了今晚也没问题
Good enough for prom, good enough for tonight.
他不是我的假男伴
He wasn't my fake date!
想搭车吗
Do you want a ride?
我想喝啤酒
I want a beer.
抱歉我在找
Oh, I'm sorry, I was looking for...
你没事吧
You okay?
有事
No.
我在和瑞皮说话
I was -- I was talking to Ripper.
我听到了很多事
Hey, um, I, uh -- I heard a lot of what went on
因为你们家真的很吵
'cause your family's very, very loud.
他们居然就这么走了
I can't believe they walked out.
嗯
Yeah.
你是对的
You were right.
他们跟我没关系了
They're done with me.
我没这么说啊
That's not quite what I said.
我一直在为他们俩而活
I've lived my whole life for those two.
我牺牲得太多了
I have made serious personal sacrifices.
我唯一的假期是送他们去太空夏令营以后
My only vacation was dropping them at Astro Camp.
我的胸罩都是在健身房♥的失物招领处拿的
I got my bras from my gym's lost and found.
这个应该是人家故意丢掉的
And I think this one was lost on purpose.
我的白发都是用记号♥笔染黑的
I cover up the grey in my hair with a Sharpie.
我都四年没做♥爱♥了
Even now, I haven't had sex in four years.
再之前就是八年前了
And it was four years before that.
都可以申请成为奥♥运♥会项目了
It should be an Olympic sport.
你说话还真直接啊简
You are a plain-talking woman, aren't you, Jean?
我太难了
This sucks.
你花了18年辛苦把他们养大
You get 18 years of keeping them alive around an inch of water,
当他们终于有点成就了
and when they can finally do something interesting,
你都无法享受自己的劳动成果
you don't even get to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
有什么意义呢
What's the point?
你养大了健康有趣
The satisfaction in knowing that you raised
相对独♥立♥的成年人很有满足感啊
healthy, interesting, relatively independent adults.
有什么大不了的
Big whoop.
现在只剩我一个人了
I'm all alone.
一个人也没什么不好
Well, alone's not so bad.
谢丽尔走后我可以在家里做鱼
You know, since Cheryl left, I can cook fish in the house.
可以只穿小内内吃鱼
I can eat it in my undies.
还可以说"小内内"这个词了
Also allowed to use the word "Undies" Now.
谢丽尔有很多规矩
Cheryl had a lot of rules.
谢谢你陪着我
Thanks for being here.
你真是个优秀房♥东
You really are an Incredi-host.
我会尽量为租客着想
I try to think of all the amenities:
无硫酸洗发水
you know, sulfate-free shampoo,
欢迎果篮
a welcome basket of fruit,
精神支持
emotional support.
你的嘴唇真好看
You have good lips.
我本来想说你的嘴唇也很好看的
Well, I was gonna say you have good lips, too.
她居然真的来了
I can't believe she came here.
你很清楚她来这里
You know the reason that she came here
是因为她不尊重我
is 'cause she doesn't respect me.
她就这么大摇大摆地走进我的公♥寓♥
She just waltzed right into my apartment.
根本没敲门我都是成年人了
She didn't knock, nothing. I'm a grown-ass man.
拜托弗雷迪你不是很享受吗
Oh, please, Freddie. You love it.
我享受什么
What do I love?
当她的小宝贝
Being her little baby boy.
她还会帮你买♥♥袜子
She still buys your socks.
哪有
No.
所以呢
So?
所以什么事都要靠我
So that means all the responsibility is on me.
所有的一切每天都要打电♥话♥
For everything. The daily phone calls.
生日贺卡
The birthday cards.
一直教她怎么用电脑和智能手♥机♥
The endless computer and smartphone tutorials.
就一个自♥拍♥ 我还要教多少遍啊
I mean, how many times do I have to show her how to take a selfie?
她自♥拍♥以后发给谁呢
And who is she sending the selfies to?
对嘛
Of course.
还有呢猜猜她老了以后谁来照顾她
Also, guess who's gonna take care of her when she's decrepit.
如果你不愿意就别干了
So don't do it if you don't want to.
好啊那她怎么办
Okay, sure. Then what'll happen to her?
把她放在木头上漂到海里吗
We just put her on a log and float her out to sea?
说这个干什么我会做噩梦的
Why are we talking about this? I'm gonna have nightmares.
因为只有我在考虑这些
'Cause I'm the one that thinks about these things
想着家人去世了以后怎么办
and makes a plan for the day people die.
你就只会玩垃圾电子游戏
While you play stupid video games.
这是我的事业
Which is my career.
是啊因为你可以随心所欲
Yeah, 'cause you get to do whatever you want.
我太无趣了
And I'm not fun.
-什么 -安迪说的
- What? - That's what Andy said.
他说我是个无聊的老太太
He said I was already a boring old lady.
然后他开走了那辆日产
And then he took the Nissan and he drove away.
车是以他的名字租的
The car lease was in his name.
公♥寓♥是以我的名字租的
The apartment lease was in mine.
大错特错
Critical error.
也不一定
Not really.
睡日产车里多惨啊
It would suck to live in a Nissan.
你为什么不联♥系♥我了
Why'd you stop calling me?
我只是想看看如果我不给你打电♥话♥
I just wanted to see, if I wasn't the one to call you,
你还会联♥系♥我吗
if I'd ever hear from you again.
所以这是在测试我吗
So, it was like a test?
嗯
Yeah.
就像西班牙语测试一样
Like a Spanish test.
你太烦人了
You suck.
我不是七年级的学生了
I'm not in seventh grade anymore, you know?
不是吗你有什么不一样吗
You're not? How are you different?
我和我女朋友做♥爱♥了[一直在一起]
I go all the way with my girlfriend.
天哪
Oh, my God.
就这
Is that all you've got?
说实话是的
Honestly, yeah.
还能有什么我都说了一直和她在一起
I mean, what else is there? It's called all the way.
-这倒是 -仅此而已
- That's true. - That's it.
也许我们可以尝试建立成熟的亲情
You know, maybe we can just try to have a grown-up relationship.
我不再是废物小弟
Where I-I'm not the loser little brother
你也不用当完美老姐了
and you don't have to be perfect all the time.
好吧
Okay.
要不今年老妈的生日贺卡你来送吧
And maybe you can get Mom the birthday card this year.
没问题啊
Yes, I totally could.
她生日是几号♥
When's her birthday?
这好主意不太好
This is probably a terrible idea.
这个主意太糟糕了
It's absolutely a terrible idea.
我不在乎你呢
I don't care. Do you?
完全不在乎
Less by the second.
-不 -我的天啊
- No! - Oh, my God!
我都五年没接过吻了
I haven't been kissed in five years!
你不是说你四年没做♥爱♥吗
I thought you said you haven't had sex in four years?
但我五年没接过吻了
But I haven't been kissed in five.
妈
Mom!
我们回来是因为我们觉得就这么丢下你不好
We came back here 'cause we felt bad about walking out on you.
你却在这里和陌生人亲热
And you're here making out with a stranger?