艾比酒吧

也许你说的对 不会再发生这种事了
Hmm. I guess you're right. Well, not anymore.
在今晚结束前
Because before tonight is over,
我要向每一个人告别
I'm gonna say good-bye to everyone,
因为我很在乎大家的感受
because I care about people's feelings.
行吧 快速计算一下
Huh. Okay, quick calculation.
假设你每说一次再见的预算耗时是九十秒
Say you budget 90 seconds to each good-bye.
这里大概有四十个人
There's about 40 people in the place,
所以如果你想在睡前和每个人道别
so if you wanna get to everybody before your bedtime,
你最好在五分钟前
you'd better start saying good night...
就开始说晚安
mmm...about five minutes ago.
没问题 看好
No problem. Watch this.
嗨 烟花杰瑞
Hey-ey! Fireworks Jerry.
-嗨 -你怎么样
- Hey! - How's it goin', man?
是这样 我很快就要走了 就在几小时后
Look, I'm taking off pretty soon in...a couple of hours,
我就是想和你说声再见
and, uh, just wanted to say good-bye.
-明天见 -不 你明天可看不见我
- I'll see you tomorrow. - Oh! No, you won't.
我要去劳斯酒吧
I'm going to Laos.
我是第一次见我同父异母的妹妹
I'm meeting my half-sister for the first time.
我希望詹姆斯接受这份新工作
I wish James would take this new job.
他很擅长做这个
He'd be so good at it--
装箱 比他之前的工作好多了
packing the boxes... better than he did before.
他做事可真不让人省心
I don't have a firm grasp on what he does.
可怜的家伙 想想吧
Poor guy just gets in his head.
他甚至离不开语♥音♥信箱
He can't even leave voicemails.
他就一直录制和删除留言
He just keeps recording and deleting
直到自己手♥机♥没电
until his phone runs out of battery.
这也许就是「龙舌兰小詹」干的事吧
Might be a job for "Tequila Jimmy."
行吧 在这个酒吧里怎么会又有
Okay. How is there yet another person
我没听说过的人
that I haven't heard of at this bar?
我每天晚上都认真学习的
I study every single night!
我搞懂了一切 包括闪卡
I got flash cards and everything.
放轻松 比尔 「龙舌兰小詹」
Relax, Bill. "Tequila Jimmy"
只是喝了龙舌兰的詹姆斯罢了
is just James when he drinks tequila.
他变成了另一个人 就好像
He becomes a different person. It's like he's...
-他什么事都愿意做 -没错 例如
- up for anything. - That's right. For example,
他害怕唱歌♥ 但是
he's terrified of singing, but...
喝完半杯玛格丽特
after half a margarita,
他就会表演蕾哈娜的全部曲目
he'll perform Rihanna's entire catalogue.
你还知道蕾哈娜
You know who Rihanna is?
我和其他人一样生活在这个世界上
I live in the world just like everybody else!
所以他喝了一杯龙舌兰
Okay, so he takes a shot of tequila,
然后怎么了 他开始唱一大堆歌♥吗
then what--he starts singing a bunch?
没那么简单 比尔
It's not that simple, Bill.
詹姆斯的自信心与杯俱增
James's confidence increases with every shot,
所以在图谱的这端
so on this end of the spectrum,
我们听到的还是「再来一杯」
we've got "Asks for extra guac."
到这儿就变成「他不请自去生日派对
Up here, this is "Hits a pinata
还打中了糖果罐」
at a birthday party he wasn't invited to."
艾比 我太紧张了
Hey, Abby, I'm freaking out.
我觉得自己忘记怎么站了 这样对吗
I think I forgot how to stand. Does this look right?
有人想来一杯龙舌兰吗
Hey, uh, anybody wanna do a shot of tequila?
-我请客 -龙舌兰
- On the house. - Whoa, tequila?
-今天是什么日子啊 -不需要是什么日子
- What's the occasion? - Why do we need an occasion?
你知道有句话叫作
You know what they say:
「每天都有白人女孩在过生日」
"It's a white girl's birthday somewhere."
什么也没发生
Nothing's happening.
我是说 他变身通常需要多长时间
I mean, how long does this usually take, the transformation?
比尔 这又不是「少狼」
Bill, it's not like "Teen Wolf."
他不会突然变得能去灌篮
He's not gonna suddenly be able to dunk.
这有点像我在理发店修眉毛的时候
It's kinda like when I got my eyebrows trimmed at the barber shop.
变化很微妙 但确实大有不同
It's a subtle change, but it does make a big difference.
艾比
Abby!
理查德 很高兴见到你
Richard. So good to see you.
-你要喝一杯吗 -不用了 谢谢你
- Can I get you a drink? - No. No, thank you.
我正在完成三十天全食疗法
I'm doing the Whole 30.
三十天不吃乳制品 谷物 豆类
It's 30 days of no dairy, no grains, no legumes,
戒糖 戒酒
no sugar, and no alcohol.
真不巧 我刚刚还想请你吃豆子呢
Oh, that's too bad. I was just about to offer you legumes.
我们去安静的地方谈谈你的信吧
Should we go someplace quiet and discuss your letter?
其实我希望这里能成为
Actually, I was hoping this could be
你刚说的更安静的场所
someplace more quiet.
你是知道的 艾比
You see, Abby,
我真的很关心邻居们
I really care about the neighborhood,
有人抱怨这里噪音过大
and someone has complained about the noise.
-是你吗 -我不想指名道姓
- Was it you? - I don't wanna name names.
我只想提出一个想法
I'm just gonna float an idea.
如果镇上最酷的艾比酒吧
What if Abby's was the coolest spot in town
在晚上8:55打烊会怎么样
that also closed at 8:55 p.m.?
我的意思是 别误会我
I mean, don't get me wrong.
这个地方很棒
This place is great.
这里就像禁酒时期非法营业酒吧的现代版
It's just like a modern-day speakeasy,
我觉得超酷的 因为我不仅是个
which I think is so cool, because I'm not
全职奶爸 我还是个小说家
just a full-time dad. I'm also a novelist.
有谁想插句话吗
Anybody else wanna jump in here?
我有点头晕
I'm feeling a little light-headed.
理查德 我们愿意和你协商
Richard, we wanna work with you,
但这是个酒吧
but this is a bar.
8:55 查克芝士餐厅都比我们打烊时间晚
8:55 p.m.? Chuck E. Cheese is open later than that.
好吧 这是个非法营业的酒吧
Well, it's an illegal bar,
如果有人觉得哪里出了问题
and if someone were to have a problem with something
然后打电♥话♥给当局反映 那么
and that person called the authorities, well...
所以你是在逼我们
So you're forcing us to close
在96分钟后打烊
in...96 minutes.
逼迫 没有人在强迫你们
Forcing? No one's forcing anyone.
我们只是在友好协商
We're just having a friendly conversation
对邻居们来说最好的解决方案而已
about what's best for the neighborhood.
没错 十分友好
Yeah. So friendly. Mm-hmm.
听着 理查德 不如我请你喝杯酒
Listen, Richard, why don't you let me buy you a drink,
然后我们再谈是否能找到解决方案
and we can see if we can find a solution here.
好的 为什么不呢 我会堕落的
Okay, why not? I think I'll be bad
喝上一杯打开拉环飞溅气泡的碳酸饮料
and have a fizzy water with a splash of cran.
别告诉我老婆
Don't tell my wife!
没错 我就是和营养师结婚的人群之一
Yes, I'm one of those guys who married their nutritionist.
太罪恶了
Guilty!
理查德 讲点道理
Richard, be reasonable.
我的酒吧没法晚上九点就打烊
I can't close the bar at 9:00 p.m.
我的生意要没法做了
It would destroy my business.
问题是有些邻居
Here's the problem. Some people in the neighborhood,
比如我 刚买♥♥了一台新的唱片机
like me, just put in a new deck,
他们想安安静静地享受唱片
and they like to enjoy those decks quietly.
如果我们给你们准备一些降噪耳机呢
What if we got you some noise-canceling headphones?
没错 超贵的呢
Yeah, the really expensive ones.
没事的 放轻松
All right. Easy.
但那样我就听不到风铃♥声♥了
But then I couldn't hear my wind chimes.
它们是我的处方药
They're prescription.
如果我们录下风铃♥声♥
What if we recorded the sound of the wind chimes,
这样你就能在耳机里播放收听呢
and then you could play it through the headphones?
鉴于我耳朵里几乎没有软骨
Well, see, I have almost no cartilage in my ears,
一般所有耳机对我来说都是折磨
so headphones in general are torture.
你们想感受一下吗
Do you wanna feel?
艾比 别生气 但我真的想感受一下
Abby, don't be mad, but I really want to feel.
我们做笔交易如何
What if we made a deal.
我们所有人都会读你的小说并给予反馈
We will all read your novel and give you feedback.
这个条件很诱人
Mm! Well, that's tempting.
我觉得你们会喜欢的
And I think you'll like it.
它是一部色情政♥治♥惊悚小说
It's an erotic political thriller
时间背景是内战时期
that takes place during the Civil War.
书名是「赤♥裸♥的葛底斯堡」
It's called "Gettysburg Undressed."
打烊了 各位
Last call, everybody.
打烊
Last call!