开荒岛民（2016）

Introducing "Pie-lates!"
你想让女人们吃很多派
You want women to eat a bunch of pie
然后立刻做普拉提
before immediately doing Pilates?
没错 两边都赚钱
Exactly. Making money on both ends!
史蒂夫 我不想和你一起做生意
Steve, I don't want to be business partners with you.
那只是因为我们还没想到一个好主意
That's just because we haven't come up with the right idea!
丹尼 我想到了
Danny, I've got it!
"寻锤一小时"
"Hammer-In-An-Hour!"
一小时内 能把锤子送到任何地方 -为啥是锤子
We get any hammer, anywhere, - in one hour flat. - Why a hammer?
为啥一小时
And why an hour?
"死得容易"
"Euth-an-easy."
安乐死 让死亡更轻松...
Euthanasia, made easy...
我的天 史蒂夫 这都是什么馊主意
My God. Steve. These are all very bad ideas.
我们可以把"死得容易"和"寻锤一小时"结合起来
We could combine "Euth-an-easy" with "Hammer-In-An-Hour."
靠... 求你别说了
Get... Stop talking to me!
各位
Everyone!
我有个坏消息 而且我脾气不好
I have bad news, and I'm told I have poor bedside manners,
所以我只对你们这群傻♥逼♥说一次...
so I only want to shout this at you idiots once...
这恐怖的音乐把野猪都吓跑了
This god-awful music is scaring away the boars.
啥
What?
太好了 野猪跑了
Yes! No more boars!
不 切特 这不是好事
No, Chet, that's bad.
野猪可是咱的口粮
We eat the boars.
该死的
Holy shit.
如果我们不能说服这些海盗
If we don't convince the pirates
把音乐关小 除了派克之外大家都会饿死
to turn down the music, everyone but Pack will starve.
等下 为什么我不会被饿死
Wait. Why won't I starve?
我告诉过你... 我会艹死你的
I already told you... I'm gonna you to death.
-我去 -够了
- Guh. - Enough!
现实生活里 如果你的邻居让你过得不爽
Back in the real world, if your neighbor makes your life suck,
你要么按怂人的做法报♥警♥ 要么...
you either call the cops, which is the coward's way, or...
拿起高尔夫球杆 3号♥铁或者4号♥铁的
You grab a golf club, maybe a 3- or a 4-iron,
或者短木杆 然后把他们宝贵的樱桃红路虎的窗户
possibly a low wood, and you smash every window
一扇一扇砸碎
on their precious cherry red Land Rover!
颜色我随口说的
I called dibs on that color.
说红色就是红色
I called dibs on red!
反击吧
Let's fight!
同志们 咱们干不过他们 这是找死
Guys, if we fight them, we will be killed.
至少我们抗争过了
At least we'll go down swingin', baby!
砸
Smash!
等等 没必要死人
Wait! No one has to die!
我有办法了
I got this.
老兄 我的斗志都给你浇灭了
Man, you took the wind right outta my sail!
你又来干嘛
What are you doing back here?
我们初次见面 有些误会
I feel like we got off on the wrong foot.
所以我给你们带来了些... 高尔夫球杆
So I brought you guys some... golf clubs!
这些高尔夫球杆有个屌♥用
And why would we give a shit about some clubs?
因为这是岛上最值钱的东西了
Because these are the most valuable things on the island.
获得17次高尔夫大♥师♥赛冠军
These clubs were once used by
并以性瘾著名的... 老虎·伍兹曾用过这些球杆
17-time Masters champion and noted sex addict... Tiger Woods!
我爱泰格
I love Tiger!
泰格最棒的了 兄弟
Tiger's the best, man.
如果他说的是厄尼·艾尔斯 我一枪崩了他
I'd have shot his ass if said Ernie Els.
好戏开始了
Game on.
让球飞吧
Let it fly.
这是哪 圆石滩吗[蒙特利半岛高尔夫球场]
What is this, Pebble Beach?
太棒了
So good.
介意我拿一瓶冰啤吗
You mind if I grab one of these cold ones?
谢啦 朋友
Thanks, bud.
现在情况是这样...
So, here's the sitch...
你们在这岛上 我们也在岛上...
You guys are on the island, we're on the island...
我想大家都能做朋友
I'd like us all to be friends.
信我 你们把这些正宗的泰格球杆
Trust me. You get these genuine Tigey clubs
卖♥♥到黑市上的话
out on the black market?
杰克船长[加勒比海盗主角]就该退位了
I mean, move over, Jack Sparrow!
迪士尼该找你们拍电影了
Disney's gonna start making movies about you guys.
-你们现在是船长了 -泰格什么时候用过这些球杆
- You're the captains now! - When exactly did Tiger use these clubs?
就在这种小的球场
Just on this little course,
不知道你们听没听过... 奥古斯塔[美国著名高尔夫球场]
I don't know if you've ever heard of it... Augusta!
-那是高尔夫大♥师♥赛的地方 -你逗我吧
- That's where they play The Masters. - Are you kidding me?
这是个传统和其他的都不同
It's a tradition unlike any other.
那为什么你有这些球杆
And why do you have them?
因为泰格与我私交甚好啊
Because Tigey's a close personal friend, baby!
什么 我是体育经纪人
What? I'm a sports agent.
我认识所有的体育大牛
I know all the greats.
阿隆·罗杰斯 塞雷娜·威廉姆斯 克里斯·波什...
Aaron Rodgers, Serena Williams, Chris Bosh...
你是克里斯·波什的经纪人
You're Chris Bosh's agent?
正是在下 我和波什狗兄很铁的
Hell yeah! Me and Bosh-dog are hella tight!
不 你瞎说
No, you're not.
-什么 -克里斯·波什的经纪人是格丽塔·利博维茨
- What? - Chris Bosh's agent is Greta Liebowitz.
你们知道格丽塔吗
You guys know "Game On" Greta?
你们是海盗啊
You're pirates!
那又怎样
And what?
海盗就不能看体育比赛了
Pirates can't watch sports?
我们就不能有点兴趣爱好
We can't have hobbies?
不能有成见啊 贱♥人♥
Don't stereotype us, bitch!
还有个坏消息 大新闻啊 兄弟
Also, bad news, it was a huge story, bro.
ESPN[美国娱乐体育节目电视网]报道了好几周了
It was all over ESPN for weeks.
什么新闻
What story?
他居然不知道
He doesn't know!
嘿 老兄
Yo, my man.
克里斯·波什用武士剑割喉死了
Chris Bosh slit his own throat with a samurai sword.
他像"杀死比尔"[美国电影]里那样自杀了
He "Kill Bill'd" himself.
什么
Whaaaaat?!
波什
Bosh!
武士
Samurai.
但那武士剑是假的
But that samurai sword was fake,
所以那满嘴假话的婊♥子♥因为欺诈坐牢去了
so they put that lying bitch in prison for fraud.
格里塔·利博维茨现在只能在监狱里谈生意
Greta Liebowitz is doing deals in jail.
老兄
Hey, cop.
老兄
Hey, buddy.
但愿派克能成功
Man. Sure hope Pack can pull this off?
我也是
Yeah. Me too.
真可惜他没有"永无止境"里的药物
It's a real shame he doesn't have the "Limitless" pill.
啥东西
What?
电影"永无止境"里的那种药
The pill from that movie, "Limitless"
主演是布莱德利·库珀
starring Bradley Cooper, where
吃药后瞬间智商爆表 潜能无限
I think he takes a pill and gets all smart and junk?
天呐 如果真有这种药
God, wouldn't it just be so cool if, like,
那不得... 帅呆了
that pill existed... in real life?
是啊 那肯定是帅破天际
Yeah, I guess it would be pretty cool.
-我就知道 -吓死爹了
- I knew it! - Jesus!
那是我的主意
That was my idea!
你觉得切特能想到"永无止境"的药吗
What, you think Chet came up with the pill from "Limitless"?!
不存在的 是我想到的
No way. It was me!
-你还说帅呆了 -我说的是帅破天际
- And you said it was cool! - I said it was pretty cool.
你觉得我智障 所以不想和我合作
You didn't wanna team up with me because I'm an idiot!
可你同意我的观点 切特可以作证
But you like my ideas, and Chet just proved it!
确实如此 不用谢
Yeah, I did. Thanks!
-我们可以合作了 -想都别想
- So now we can be partners! - We will never be partners.
不合作不是因为你智障
And it's not because you're an idiot,
是因为你杀了人
it's because you're a murderer!
是这样吗
Yeah?
其实你也是杀人犯 丹尼
Well, you'd know, 'cause you're a murderer, too, Danny.
因为你 害死我们大家
Because you murdered all of us!
你觉得是我害大家被困岛上的吗
Do you think it's my fault that we're all stuck here?
老弟 我也说不清
I don't really know, man.
我从没思考过这件事
I haven't really thought about it like that.
不过差不多是这回事
But yeah, I guess so!
是吧
Yeah!
挺糟糕的