我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S01E02

Part 4 Dec. 2, 2020, 2:50 p.m.

Their toilet has another reverse toilet next to it.
他家马桶旁边竟然还有个反向马桶
Oh, no, you cannot work there.
不不不你不能在这种地方工作
Rich New Yorkers are the worst.
纽约有钱人最渣了
They buy up buildings for themselves
他们给自己买大楼
and ruin neighborhoods.
践踏街裡街坊
They're always inventing new types of dogs
他们不停发明创造新品种狗狗
that the world doesn't need.
世界哪需要这麽多狗种
And what do they do with their money?
再看他们怎麽糟蹋钱的呢
They give it to charities to cure malaria in other countries.
他们捐给慈善机构去治别国的疟疾
Well, call me crazy,
是我太荒谬吗
but I say cure malaria at home first.
但难道不该先把自个儿国家的疟疾治了吗
These people have so many towels,
这些傢伙有那麽多条毛巾
and you're not allowed to use any of them!
而都不许用
I don't blame you for bailing.
你辞职我不怪你
I mean, people like that need serious help.
这种人得去接受正经治疗
I know that, Titus.
我懂的 Titus
That's the problem.
这就是症结所在
I like helping people. I'm good at it.
我乐于助人我还善于助人
I helped you get your life back together.
我帮你重振了旗鼓
I helped keep the Mole Women sane all those years.
我这些年来帮那些鼹鼠女保持理智
And this morning, I helped an old man at the supermarket
今天早上我还在超♥市♥裡帮了一个老头
who needed me to get all that stuff out of his pockets.
他说需要有人帮他把口袋裡的东西都"掏"出来
But I don't know how to help the Vorheeseses.
可我竟然不知道怎麽去帮Vorheeses一家
Lil' Kim, there is nothing you can do to help these crazy people.
小kim 对这群疯子你无能为力的
You're just a sweet girl with an eighth-grade education.
你只是个受过八年教育的小姑娘
Almost.
接近八年
You've read, like, two books in the last 15 years.
过去的十五年你读了两本书呢
You're not gonna... Urethra!
你不能我悟"尿道"了
That's it! The book!
没错那本书
How did I not remember this?
我怎麽能不记得了
I can fix it.
我能搞定
I can fix everything!
我能搞定一切
Titus, I need you to get your robot suit back.
Titus 你得再弄回那套机器人服
But I already did something today.
可我今天已经做过事情了
Hey, Xan, going somewhere?
嘿 Xan 打算出去啊
You still work here?
你还在这儿乾啊
Cool. Cool.
行行
Um, one thing before you go...
在你走之前我们聊件事
Your boyfriend this summer, what did you say his name was...
你今年夏天的男友叫什麽名字来著
Thrash?
Thrash
Yeah, Thrash. When did I...
对 Thrash 我什麽时候
'Cause I can't remember.
我不大记得了
Did you tell me that he surfed at night
我是不是听你说过他深夜衝浪
so his nemesis Gonzo wouldn't sabotage his board again
这样在比赛之前他的对手Gonzo才没法
before the big competition?
再次弄坏他的衝浪板
Or did I read about it?
还是说我从书上看过这情节
Everything you've said about your boyfriendis straight out of Baby-Sitters Club Mystery
你所说过的你男朋友的每一件事都出自<保姆俱乐部之谜>
Number 12, colon, Dawn and the Surfer Ghost.
第十二章冒号黎明衝浪鬼魂
Isn't that right, Kelea?
我说的对吗 Kelea
Or should I say, Xan?
还是我应该叫你 Xan
How did you know that?
你怎麽知道的
I only had two books with me down in the...
只有两本书陪我在地呃
reading nook when I was growing up
在读书角成长
and this was one of them.
而这本就是其中之一
You cannot tell anyone about this.
你不准泄露出去
Yeah.
好的
It'd be a shame if Simone or Vidalia were to find out
要是Simone或者Vidalia发现了
your story was a lie,
你的故事是假的就丢死人了
a lie taken from a book for middle schoolers.
更何况故事还是从中学生图书裡窃取来的
That's not true.
才不是呢
Those books are recommended for 12 and up.
这些是针对十二岁以上人群的推荐书目
"And up," Kimmy!
以上 Kimmy
Go to your room, Xan,
回你的房♥间去 Xan
'cause you're fudging grounded.
你被关禁闭了
I hate you!
我恨你
This is for your own good.
这是为你好
You're a kid, and childhood is precious.
你还是个孩子童年是很珍贵的
It's okay that you're a virgin.
你是个处女也没关係
What is your deal?
你到底什麽毛病
What kind of 29-year-old woman wears light-up Skechers?
哪个29岁的老女人还穿有小闪灯的思凯捷啊
This isn't over.
这事没完
I'm gonna figure you out, Kimmy,
我会查清你的底细 Kimmy
and then I'm gonna destroy you.
然后你就等死吧
I know you are...
我懂了
but what am I?
"你"就等死吧那我呢
Mrs. Voorhees?
Voorhees太太
Oh, Kimmy, perfect.
噢 Kimmy 很好
I forgot to actually fire you earlier.
我刚才忘了解雇你了
Anyway, you're fired.
总之你被炒了
Just clean up downstairs and rotate the mattresses before you leave.
走之前把楼下打扫乾淨再把床垫翻过来
Okay,
好吧
but just so you know, I grounded Xan.
我就是告诉你一声我把Xan关禁闭了
She's in her room listening to a rock tape,
她在自己房♥间裡听摇滚带子
and Buckley is downstairs having the best birthday of his life.
Buckley在楼下过他生命中最棒的生日
Die, Iron Man! Die!
去死吧钢铁侠去死吧
No!
不要啊
Did you really do all that?
你真的做到了
I did.
是的
I'm sorry that the party wasn't what you wanted it to be.
我很抱歉派对没能像你想的那样
It's not your fault.
这不是你的错
I know I must seem crazy.
我知道我看起来一定像疯了
I just thought that if today were perfect,
我只是觉得如果今天很完美
it would make a difference.
那麽也许事情会有转机
Kimmy, I think my marriage is falling apart.
Kimmy 我想我的婚姻要崩塌了
Please, not in the crotch!
求你了别打我胯下
It was supposed to be a two-week trip,
本来应该是为期两周的旅行
but Julian's been gone for two months.
可Julian已经去了两个月了
I was sure he was gonna come back for this.
我坚信他会为了这个生日回来的
And then he'd see me being the perfect mother
他会见到我是一个多麽完美的母亲
and the perfect wife,
一个多麽完美的太太
and then later in the evening, the perfect foot slut.
到了深夜是一个多麽完美的美足荡妇
You know, who among us is a perfect foot slut?
世界上哪有什麽完美的美足荡妇
I know.
我知道
Julian's probably cheating on me...
Julian十有八♥九♥是出轨了
not with Fat Rhonda, obviously,
肯定不是和胖子Rhonda
but he's been in Japan a lot lately.
但他最近常去日本
You can get a mistress in a vending machine there.
在那裡情妇直接在自动售货机裡卖的
Kimmy, what's happening to me
Kimmy 这是一个女人能
is the worst thing that's ever happened to any woman ever.
经历的最凄惨的事情了
Mrs. Voorhees...
Voorhees夫人
do you think you can make it through the next ten seconds?
你觉得你能挺过下一个十秒吗
I guess so.
也许吧
Is it over?
时间到了吗
No, but it will be very soon.
不但很快就会结束的
And then you start on the next ten seconds.
之后你就可以开始新一个十秒了
Just take it ten seconds at a time.
一次忍♥他个十秒钟
Everything will be okay.
一切都会好起来的
Oh, Kimmy, what would I do without you?
喔 Kimmy 没有你我怎麽办啊
You're my best friend.
你是我最好的朋友
Well, why don't you get some rest,
休息一下吧
Mrs. Voorhees?
Voorhees夫人
Okay.
好的
Kimmy, where do you think you're going?
Kimmy 你要去哪儿
I need human contact.
我需要和人接触
Spoon me.
抱著我
One, two, three,
一二三
four, five...
四五
No!
不
Look, look, look, look, look, look.
喂喂喂喂
Iron Man is sorry, Professor Genocide.
灭族教授钢铁侠知错了