我本坚强（2015）

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt S01E02

Part 3 Dec. 2, 2020, 2:50 p.m.

My mom said I can't open any presents until my dad gets home.
我妈妈说爸爸回家前不能拆礼物
Aw. That's the worst.
啊真糟糕
But I've got a little trick that might help.
不过我知道一个有用的小诀窍
I learned a long time ago
我很久以前就明白一个道理
that a person can stand just about anything for ten seconds.
任何事我们最多隻能忍♥十秒钟
How are you liking my Baby-Sitters Club Mystery, Sister Gretchen?
你觉得我的保姆俱乐部之谜怎麽样 Gretchen修女
I don't know. Surfing, swimsuits...
我不知道作何评价衝浪啦泳衣啦
A woman reading a book?
竟然还有女人读书的情节
Now let me have a turn on the Mystery Crank.
让我来转转这谜之手柄吧
You haven't slept in days.
你好几天没睡觉了
It's really no trouble.
没关係的
See, you can stand anything for ten seconds.
什麽事你都能忍♥耐十秒钟的
Then you just start on a new ten seconds.
之后再开始新的十秒钟就好了
Nine, ten.
九十
One, two, three, four,
一二三四
five, six, seven,
五六七
eight, nine, ten.
八九十
One, two, three, four...
一二三四
So, whether you're turning a heavy crank,
所以不管是转动那重到死的手柄
the purpose of which is unknown to this day,
虽然你都不知道这是干啥的
or just waiting around to open some presents,
还是你就死等著去拆礼物
all you got to do is...
你需要做的就是
**Take it ten seconds at a time*
*一次忍♥他个十秒钟
Kimmy? Huh?
Kimmy 嗯
Can you help me, please?
帮我一下好吗
I've had the most amazing idea.
我想到一个史上最棒的好主意
A scrunchy that's also a wallet?
同时可以当髮带的钱包吗
To make tonight extra special for Julian,
为了给Julian特别的惊喜
I'm going to re-create our first date.
我要再现我们第一次约会的情景
And you worked at the post office?
你那会儿在邮局工作吗
I was a stewardess,
我是个空姐
and it was so romantic.
一切都是那麽浪漫
I was on Julian's NetJet flight
我正好在Julian的私人飞机上
back from Bush's second inauguration.
他从布♥什♥的第二次就职典礼回来
So, needless to say, he was DTF.
所以他当时完全是把持不住的状态
Then when we landed,
著陆之后
we couldn't go back to his house because his wife was home,
我们不能去他家裡因为他老婆在家
so we ended up going to his office instead.
最后我们去了他的办公室
And we snuggled all night
我们整晚耳鬓厮磨
because he fell asleep on top of me.
因为做到一半他就趴我身上睡著了
So is Mr. Voorhees on his way?
那Voorhees先生正赶来吗
Well, I just texted his assistant, Rhonda.
我刚发短♥信♥给他的助理Rhonda了
Don't worry. Fat.
别担心她是个胖子
And he should be wheels down any minute.
他应该分分钟就到
So make sure the kids are ready to yell "Surprise"
所以快确保孩子们随时待命吼出"惊喜"
when he comes through the door.
迎接他进入家门
Tonight's gonna be crazy debauchery.
今晚我们一定能声色犬马纵情狂欢
Dexter's parents are both in the hospital
Dexter爸妈滑雪遇到意外
from a skiing accident,
都进医院了
so the apartment's totally empty.
所以公♥寓♥裡妥妥没人
I can't wait.
我等不及了
The babysitter tried to bust me for drinking,
我喝酒保姆竟然想关我禁闭
but I own her.
她也不看看我可是她主人
You guys, I was showering with Dr. Jerry,
我和Jerry医生洗鸳鸯浴的时候
and he told me he hates his wife.
他说他恨死他老婆了
He said that? You're so lucky!
他真的说啦你也太走运了
Remember how I was, like, so bummed
还记得那次我特别不爽
I had to see my grandparents in California?
因为我要去加州看我爷爷奶奶吗
Well, I met this surfer,
我遇到了这个衝浪小哥
like, blond, blue eyes, tan, okay?
金髮碧眼古铜肤色
And he called me "Kelea" Which is, like,
他叫我"Kelea"
a Hawaiian princess.
好象是什麽夏威夷公主的名字
Anyway, he practiced surfing at night,
他都在晚上衝浪
and we'd meet up after and do it on the beach.
然后我们在海滩上私会来了一发
I have sex when I visit my grandparents too.
我看我爷爷奶奶的时候也去乱搞了
I have a birthday update.
最新消息
My husband, Julian Voorhees, has, um...
我老公Julian Voorhees现在还
not yet left London.
没离开伦敦
Obviously, you needn't stay,
所以你们不用留在这儿了
but we will not be opening presents until he gets here.
但我们等他到了才会拆礼物
But can we have cake?
可是我们能吃蛋糕吗
I don't even know who you are.
我都不知道你是谁
I'm Cooper S.
我是Copper S
Open the register, Ray.
Ray 打开你的收银台
Time to make like a dwarf at a jukebox.
像个小矮人在投币点唱机前一样
and pay up.
往"上"缴钱吧
Really?
是吗
Am I supposed to be afraid of a Hello Kitty
我应该害怕你好凯蒂
and a Cookie Monster?
和曲奇怪吗
No. But that's not what they are.
不但这不是真正的他们
They're an Aloha Cat and a Treat Creature.
他们是你好猫咪和点心生物
And I'm not Iron Man.
我也不是钢铁侠
I'm Metal Hero Friend.
我是金属英雄啊这位朋友
None of us are licensed,
我们谁都不是行货
and by renting these costumes,
你出租这些戏服
you're infringing on the intellectual property
可是侵犯了芝麻街漫威动漫
of The Children's Television Workshop, Marvel Comics, Walt Disney, and Japan PervCo.
迪士尼还有日本动漫情趣公♥司♥的知识产权
How'd you dirtbags find out about intellectual property?
你们这些屌♥丝怎麽知道知识产权的
Who told?
谁告诉你们的
Let's just say I had some firsthand experience
告诉你我可和迪斯尼的产权律师
with Disney's copyright lawyers.
直接打过交道
Fair enough.
行吧
Pay up, old man,
快给钱臭老头
every cent that you owe these losers.
欠这些可怜虫的每一分钱都得交出来
Well...
呃
Julian isn't coming at all.
Julian根本没有要回来
He had to go back to Japan.
他必须要回趟日本
You might as well open your birthday presents, Buckley.
Buckley 你拆礼物也无妨了
I did, and I already have all this stuff.
我早拆了这些东西我早有了
I'm sorry.
我很抱歉
You're sorry?
你抱歉
Look around you.
你自己看看
This birthday party was a catastrophe.
这个生日聚会简直是场灾难
And I hate superheroes. What are you talking about?
我讨厌超级英雄你说什麽
You play with them all the time.
你不是一直都玩的吗
Because I'm pretending to be a super villain!
因为我都扮演超级坏蛋
I like how they blow up hospitals.
我喜欢看他们炸医院
Well, this birthday party isn't about you.
这个生日聚会根本和你没关係
I wanted everything to be perfect.
我只想一切都完美无缺
I mean, it had to be perfect, and he didn't even show up.
这一切必须要完美可他竟然都不来
He's my husband.
他是我老公啊
He made a vow to me on Steve Wynn's boat.
在Steve Wynn的船上他曾对我许下誓言啊
And I never should have trusted you.
我根本就不应该相信你
I did it, Kimothy.
我做到啦 Kimothy
I got my security deposit back.
我拿回我的押金啦
I got rid of that robot costume,
我终于摆脱那身机器人戏服了
and I got to yell at an old white man.
我还吼了一个白人老头
Well, I'm sorry, Titus, but you can't stop working.
很抱歉 Titus 但你还是得继续工作
Say what? I have to quit my job.
你说啥我得辞了我的工作
No, no, no, no, no. You can't do that.
不行不行不行不行你不能这麽任性
One of us has to put food on my Barbie-themed TV trays.
得有人赚钱养家往我的芭比高脚桌放吃的啊
You don't understand. I can't do it.
你不明白我真的乾不下去了
This family...
这一大家子
The mother is having some sort of breakdown,
妈妈在崩溃发神经
while her stepdaughter is running around drinking and sexing.
而她的继女酗酒还乱性
The little boy is a devil,
她儿子是个小恶魔
probably because the father is never around.
大概因为父亲从不陪他
It sounds like this family either has no money
听起来这家子要不然是穷得可怜
or way too much.
要不然就是富得流油
Oh, they're super rich.
是啊他们超有钱