魔多客（2021）

- 我的 - 我的
This is me! MELISSA: Oh, this is mine!
- 我的 - 我的
Mine. Mine. Mine--
我的
Mine--
扫地机器人我要了
Oh, I call Roomba. MELISSA: Ooh, ooh, ooh!
- 我的 - 老爸的大屏电视我要了
- Mine. Mine. - I call Dad's flat screen!
我要
I call--
你俩都是好孩子
You're both good kids,
跟谁走
and that's why I'd be happy
我都开心
to go with either of you.
- 我要两米延长线 - 那个要跟我电视配套的
- Ooh! Six-foot extension cord! - Hey, that goes with my TV!
这帮熊孩子
Oh, you rotten kids!
我先看到的
I saw it first!
老爸会想要把这个给我的
Dad wanted me to have it.
这是他最后跟我说过的话了
It was one of the last things he ever said to me.
梅丽莎 我觉得你就是我的延伸
"Melissa, I think of you as an extension of me.
我想要你拥有这个两米的延长线
"I want you to have the six-foot extension cord
显然是要接到电视上去的
that clearly goes with the TV."
我可以想到他这么说
I can hear him saying that.
我只是搬走 又不是死了
I'm just moving out. I'm not dead!
对老妈来说你就是死了
To Mom, you are.
我天啊 我是一个支离破碎家庭的产物了
Oh my god, I'm the product of a broken home.
先是这样 然后我学习一落千丈 然后辍学
First this, then I act up in school, drop out.
然后突然之间我为了维持生计
All of a sudden, I'm giving happy endings behind an Arby's
就要艾比餐厅后面在给别人带来性福了
just so I can pay for a taste of that sweet street sleet.
天啊 卢 带来性福
Jesus, Lou. "Happy endings"?
意思是说你要在艾比餐厅后面给人做全身按♥摩♥吗
Does that mean you're giving full massages behind the Arby's?
是啊 太惨了
Yeah. It's bad.
你俩听我说 我和你妈妈 你们要知道
Kids, listen, the thing you need to know about me and your Mom is
你妈疯了
she's lost!
脑子不正常 迷失了
She's lost her mind, she's lost her way.
摩多客
MODOK,
你在跟孩子说什么
what are you telling the kids?
安慰他们呢
I'm comforting them!
如果你们敢告诉她我说了啥
And if you tell her I said any of this,
那这场离婚就变成你们的错了
this'll be one of the many divorces where it is the kids' fault.
摩多客 是搬家公♥司♥的 明天就能到
MODOK, it's the movers. They can be here tomorrow.
你能六点之前到家吗
Will you be home before six?
明天啊 我看下日历
Hmm, tomorrow. Let me pull up the ol' calendar.
忙死了 下周呢
Ooh, I'm swamped. What's next week look like?
忙忙忙
Uhp! Swamped. Swamp, swamp, swamp.
看下九月 不对 是大忙九月
- Okay, let's look at Septem-- Nope, Swamptember.
然后是大忙十月 我得跟男孩子们出去呢
And then actually in Swamptober, I've got that big trip with the boys
当然是要忙死
to the swamp of course.
跟搬家公♥司♥说过年的时候再来吧
Uh, just tell the movers we'll schedule something in the new year.
摩多客 你在拖延
MODOK, you're stalling.
我没有 你们看那是啥
I'm not stalling! Oh my god, what's that?
好的 又给自己争取了在家待三秒的时间
Nice, just bought myself three more seconds in the house.
我开始难过了
This is starting to really make me sad.
没事的 宝贝
Oh, sweetie, it's okay.
我们还会跟一家人一样啊
We'll still do things as a family.
签离婚协议书 为了抚养权打的头破血流
The signing of divorce papers, the ugly custody battle.
这些你们都要参与的
You're gonna be involved with all of it.
不 是老爸的光盘收藏
No. Dad's CD collection.
谁还听光盘啊
Who the hell still has CDs?
好把戏合唱团是什么鬼
What's a Hoobastank?
九十年代末的甲壳虫乐队啊
The Beatles of the late '90s.
甲壳虫乐队是什么鬼
Who are the Beatles?
六十年代初的好把戏乐团啊
Hoobastank of the early '60s.
好的吧
Oh-ho-ho-ho. Okay. Alright.
心灵蒙蔽合唱团 你还留着这个呢
Aw, Third Eye Blind. I can't believe you still have this.
我们当时都去卡比大学看演出呢
We were all set to see them at Kirby University,
但是不知道为啥错过了
but we missed it for some reason.
要是去了肯定很好玩的
Would have been fun.
你留着光盘吧
You know what? Keep the CD.
但我也不能跟它分开
Unfortunately, I can't part with it,
所以我还是继续住家里吧
so I'm going to have to stick around as well.
我们得为了光盘在一起啊
We need to stay together for the CD.
选个日子搬家吧
I need you to pick a date for the movers.
抱歉孩子们 不该叫你们熊孩子的
Alright, kids, I'm so sorry I called you rotten.
讲真 我很怕的
I'm scared.
一下子都要变了
There are a lot of changes going on,
我可不想去住你♥爸♥爸的大开间
and I do not want to end up at your Dad's studio apartment.
面包机干嘛跟我们讲话啊
Why is the toaster talking to us?
真是熊孩子 你想要面包机吗
You little brats! You want a toaster?
下次你俩洗澡的时候
Next time you two are taking a bath,
我就跳进水里给你俩电死
I'm gonna jump in and fry you all to hell.
我们已经不是小孩了
Uh, we're not little kids anymore.
不会一起泡澡了
We don't take baths together.
我好难过
That makes me so sad!
时间都去哪了
Where is the time going?
这个家散了 我好怕啊
This family is falling apart! I'm so scared!
抹茶星冰乐 给您
Umm, mocha frappe for the gentleman.
闭嘴 我忙着黑进神盾局的服务器呢
Silence! I'm busy hacking SHIELD's servers.
没时间享受冰饮料
I have no time to leisurely consume iced beverages.
我又没说我不喝 喂我喝
I didn't say I didn't want it. Hold it to my mouth while I work.
你不想知道我♥干♥嘛要黑进神盾局吗
Well? Don't you want to know why I'm hacking into SHIELD?
当然了 抱歉 我最近都没睡好
Yes, of course. Sorry. I haven't been sleeping well.
我的幻肢痛最近都
My phantom limb pain has been--
我黑进神盾局是为了夺回他们偷走的
I'm hacking into SHIELD to take back the time machine I invented
我发明的时光机
and they stole.
你不想知道我♥干♥嘛需要时光机吗
Don't you want to know why I need the time machine?
抱歉 好难集中注意力
I'm sorry. It's hard to concentrate.
我最近吃了好多抗抑郁症的药 因为我最爱的胳膊没了
I've been on a lot of anti-depressants since I lost my favorite arm--
天啊 盖理
Oh my god, Gary.
上班的时候不要聊自己的事情
Keep your personal life out of the office.
我要用时光机器挽救我的婚姻
I'm gonna use the time machine to fix my marriage,
我要带我妻子回到17年前的
by taking my wife to a Third Eye Blind concert
心灵蒙蔽合唱团演唱会
from 17 years ago.
她就会想起我们曾经多么甜蜜恩爱了
Then she'll remember how things used to be between us.
回到我还没有舒服到可以在婚床上放屁之前
A time before I felt comfortable enough to fart in our marital bed.
以及在她父亲的病榻上放屁之前
And at her father's deathbed.
以及在给她父亲守夜的时候放屁之前
And at his wake.
以及在她念感人至深的哀悼词放屁之前
And during the entirety of her tearful eulogy.
什么情况
No! What's happening?
老默
M-m-m-m-Modawg!
看俩你很喜欢我们的宁静暂停政策啊
Great to see you enjoying our new Peaceful Pause policy.
每小时的最后一分钟 所有电脑都会自动关闭
All computers shut down the last minute of every hour.
这是给所有员工的礼物
A gift to all our employees.
你敢破坏摩多客的生产力
You dare attack MODOK's productivity?
休息下 伸伸腿
Take a break. Stretch your legs.
花点时间提升下自己的身体机能
Take some time to nurture your physical self.
我现在处于最年轻力壮的时期呢
I'm in peak physical condition!
身体机能顶峰 你是站在屎山顶峰吧
Peak condition? More like peak of Shit Mountain.
没有屎山 是她编的 你要相信我啊
Shit Mountain's not real! She made it up! You gotta believe me!
哇 光碟啊
Ah, the Compact Disc.
因为我是你老板
Sometimes, because I'm your superior,
有时候我都忘了你比我老那么多了
I forget how much older you are than me.
奥斯丁 回答以下问题
Austin, answer the following questions:
你小时候家里的地址是什么
What was the address of your childhood home?
你的卧室在一楼吗
Was your bedroom on the first floor?
窗户上的锁很容易撬开吗
Did the window have an easily pickable lock?
你小时候有没有对什么东西极其过敏的
Were you deathly allergic to anything as a kid?
看看你 对我很有兴趣呢
Look at you, taking an interest.
东97街401号♥ 没错 没错 草莓
401 East 97th Street. Yes. Yes. And strawberries.
我对草莓非常过敏的
I'm deathly allergic to strawberries.
你看 暂停工作 都是哥们
You see? Bros for life in one Peaceful Pause.
不如59分钟之后 我去搞个威尼斯平底渔船
How 'bout I pop by with some Topo Chicos in 59 minutes
然后老默怎么一起去深潜啊
and we do a deep dive on Mo-daddy-doh-dawg?
我知道神盾局把我的时光机放在哪了
Aha! I've located the SHIELD facility containing my time machine.
为了拿到时光机 我需要用我超强的
To obtain it, I'll have to use my incredible mastery