魔多客（2021）

I will fuse these two dental flosses together
变成一根牙线
to make one dental floss!
我完全听不懂 太好玩了
I can't follow any of this! I love it!
就好像有去无回的小姐与流浪汉啊 各位
It's like a one-way Lady and the Tramp, folks.
请看 一条牙线了
Behold, a single floss!
抱歉 你先唱一下呗 卡雯琳
Oh, I'm so sorry. Can you fill in for a beat, Krawleen?
老爸 你很饿吧
Hey, Dad! You look hungry.
我可以让他们给你拿点辣椒饼干呢
I can have someone bring you some Valhallape?o Poppers.
想吃什么 仙宫汉堡吗
What do you want? An Asgarden Burger?
玉米片怎么样 索尔款的 用大锤子砸碎的
How about nachos, Thor-style, where they smash 'em up with a hammer?
我可怜的孩子啊
Oh my God, my poor dear boy.
看看她们把你搞得 变成傻子了
Look what they've done to you. Turned you into a fool.
你是说我的表演吗
What? You mean my act?
我在看适不适合成人礼上面表演啊
I've been workshopping it for my Bar Mitzvah.
现在你看到了 觉得酷嘛
Now that you know that, do you think it's pretty cool?
不 我不懂啊
No! I don't understand it.
之前他们不是还要吃了你吗
The last time I saw you, these things were going to eat you!
对的 绝对是要大快朵颐 拿我开胃呢
Oh, they were saucin' me up, flavorin' me good.
还要加上芹菜 洋葱 辣椒
I'm talkin' celery, onions, bell peppers,
法式大餐的辣味三件套啊
the holy trinity of Cajun cuisine--
赶紧说他们怎么就不吃你了
Just get to the part where they didn't eat you.
我就是把一个球变成两个了啊
I did that thing where I made one ball turn into two balls.
你再看看我现在 在抓住崛起的狗头人剧院做全职演员呢
And look at me now! Full residency at the Catch A Rising Kobold Theater!
我那么担心你 结果你跑这儿来给一帮吓人的哥布林怪物
I was so worried about you only to learn that you've become the jester
玩杂耍吗
to some freaky-ass goblin creatures?
我赚的蛮多的
Actually, I'm doing really well.
比卡雯琳还多呢
I'm making more than Krawleen.
她还是本地怪呢
And she's Krawleen!
我的儿子可不能跟什么卡雯琳抢镜头 走了
No son of mine upstages Krawleen. We're leaving!
跟老爸回家
But, Dad-Time to go home
准备你普通的 一点都不丢人的成人礼吧
and prepare for your traditional, non-humiliating Bar Mitzvah.
我在这里不用隐藏自己
Why would I go home when I could stay here
我♥干♥嘛要回家呢
where I don't have to hide who I am?
你还隐藏自己你
That was you hiding who you are?
我每天都要被你烦死了
I'm constantly dealing with it! It's so in my face!
把他轰走
Throw him out.
我还有两只羊呢
I believe I had two goats!
就是这个 谢了
These are them. Thanks.
我只带了两只哦
I only had two!
我不要这只 就叫你雷丁好了 我靠
- I'm not keeping this goat-- Goatis Redding. Dammit!
你加入我们了 我会永远爱你的
Ahh, you're in the gang, and I love you forever.
下一个魔术
For my next trick,
从卡雯琳嘴里掏出一把吉他啊
I'll pull a guitar out of Krawleen.
如果卢被那些怪物守卫着
I can't protect Lou if he's stuck in that goblin city
我就不能救他出来了
guarded by those freaks.
我得动用蛮力救他了
I'll have to take him back by force.
看来救我儿子的办法
Looks like the only way to save my son
就是跟他开战了
is to go to war with him.
我刚把小羊羊吃了
Well, I ate Goatis.
仙宫守护者们
Anyway, hey, Asgardians!
这是你们要找的人吗
Is this the sorcerer you're looking for?
这个标志
The symbol!
是他领导的寇伯族
He leads the Kobolds!
那就要开战了
Then we go to war!
为了我儿子正常的成人礼
For the normalcy of my son's Bar Mitzvah!
为了啥啥啥啊
For the what of the what?
为了一个跟你们半毛钱关系没有的
For a deeply personal conflict
私人原因
that has nothing to do with you guys!
我美丽的妻子 阿斯特丽德
To my beautiful wife, Astrid.
成人礼大战已经持续了好几个月了
The Great Bar Mitzvah Wars have dragged on for months.
要知道 如果这场战争把我带走
Know that if this great war takes me,
我希望你 永远不再嫁
I want you to... never move on.
真的 如果你嫁人了 我会永远闹你的
I'm serious. If you do, I'll haunt you forever.
前线的生活太痛苦了
Life on the front lines is unforgiving.
唯一给我希望的 只有你用干吧了的经血
The only thing that gives me hope are your letters
写成的信
written in aged menstrual blood.
如果我回不来 亲爱的辣妹小精灵琳娜
If I do not return, dear pungent Gremelina,
我知道我会想念你的每一部分的
I know that I will miss every part of you.
你鳞片下的肉体 你烂牙的恶臭
Your scaly flesh, the stench of your rotting teeth,
你那杯形身体上的痣
the moles that line every inch of your mug-shaped body.
但即便我们很辛苦
But though we suffer,
但所有人都没有我们的领袖痛苦
none suffer more than our great leader
他要承载着战争全部的重重担
who carries the full weight of this war.
好啦老爸 我放弃魔法了
Okay, Dad. I give up magic.
我现在喜欢正常的东西了 车子 面包什么的
I like normal stuff now, like cars and toast.
谢了儿子 我接受你的投降
Thanks, son. I accept your surrender.
开玩笑的 我会把那些哥布林全部杀掉
Just kidding, I'm gonna kill all these stupid goblins.
我是老大了
I'm the man now, dog!
前线战况如何啊 达格将军
How goes the battlefront, General Dagr?
- 我们损失惨重 - 真是坏消息
- We have taken great losses. - Oh. I hate hearing that.
为什么会损失惨重
Should I reflect that on the table? Why are we losing soldiers?
因为你把大家的盾牌都拿走了 融化成了小人
You took their shields away and melted them down to make figurines.
但是剑没有拿走啊
Well, we didn't take their swords, though.
把剑也拿走吧 融化掉
Let's take their swords and melt those down
给小人做上盾牌
to make shields for the figurines.
我不想把士兵身上的失误
I don't want to make the same mistake with the figurines
在小人身上重现了
that I did with the soldiers.
主人 另一边的过来
Lord, the other side hast offered
求和了
to meet and negotiate peace.
求和啊
Peace, you say?
我是来求和的
I'm here for peace!
战争有点失控了啊
So... this war sorta got out of hand,
好多人好像都死了
and, uh, a lot of people sorta died.
错 这场战争一直在我的掌控之中的
rong again. This war was always in hand, my hand.
很多人也确实死掉了
And a lot of people definitely died.
但当我的坦克开出去之后
And after this tank pops off,
肯定还会死更多人的
a hell of a lot more people are going to die.
作为和平的象征 我给你带了鲜花
As a peace offering, I brought you these flowers.
来吧 尽情嘲笑我爸
Go ahead, laugh at me!
跟所有人一样
Just like everyone always has!
没错 走吧
That's right. Just go. Leave.
- 老爸 起来 - 别碰我
Here, Dad, let me-Don't touch me!
用这个吧
Use this.
我就是想让你不会这样
This is... this is exactly what I wanted to save you from.
什么啊
What?
我不想你在成人礼上表演魔术
I didn't want you doing magic at your Bar Mitzvah
就是不想你丢人 别人笑话你
because... well, I didn't want you to feel humiliated.
因为魔术很垃圾啊
On account of magic being lame?
不同意 继续说
Disagree. Continue.
我担心你
I worry about you.
担心你太像我了
I worry about you being too much like me.
我以为你想让我更像你呢
I thought you wanted me to be more like you?
不啊 大家都讨厌我的
What? No. People hate me.
我这辈子因为与众不同一直在被人嘲笑
I've been mocked all my life for being different.
我想让你更像 托尼·斯塔克吧
- I want you to be more like, I-- I don't know... Tony Stark.
你的宿敌吗
Your greatest foe?
大家都喜欢他啊
People like him.
我想让别人都喜欢你
I want people to like you.
早晚有一天 我会征服全世界 创造一个
One day, I'll conquer the world and create a utopia
永远没人能伤害你的理想国 但是在那之前
where no one can ever hurt you, but until then
你还是喜欢正常的东西安全一点 比如橄榄球 面包什么的
it's safer for you to like normal things like football or toast.
你老是说面包呢 我喜欢面包的
You're always bringing up toast. I like toast.
- 是吗 - 是的啊
- Yeah? - Yeah.
为了狗头人的正义 我们要公开处刑
Hey! Kobold justice demands public execution,
大头男
giant head man!
卢 找我律师 欧文·张伯伦
Lou, call my lawyer, Irving Champlain.
如果他救不了我 就不用给钱啊
If he doesn't save my life, it's freeee!
不用杀我的
You don't have to do this.
我可以给你我的白蜡小人 喜欢吗
I can get you pewter figurines! You like pewter figurines?
全部给你 有十个呢
I can give you all of mine. I have... 10.
再多没有了