大学同学（2017）

好了 好 这信息很有用
Okay. Alright. I think that's helpful.
-我也会操斯蒂芬·科尔伯特 -什么
- Stephen Colbert though I would fuck. - What?
美国当红政♥治♥讽刺节目的主持人
他简直普通地不能再普通了
He's, like, the most normal version of every part of a person.
你是讽刺地说的吗
Would you do it ironically?
"我要操斯蒂芬·科尔伯特"这话哪个字不懂
What part of "I would fuck Stephen Colbert" aren't you getting?
我觉得你算个统计上的异常值
I think you're an outlier in your demographic.
-别帮倒忙 -那会有用的
- Yeah. This is unhelpful. - That'll help.
-这是什么 -药 兄弟 阿得拉
- What's this? - Drugs, bro. Adderall.
那些东西帮我过了期末考试 所以...
That stuff got me through finals, so...
高中 大学
High school, college...
橙色是阿得拉 蓝色是伟哥 别吃白色的
Orange is Adderall. Blue is Viagra. Don't take the white.
-你为什么有药 -你为什么 没有药
- Why do you have drugs? - Why do you not have... not drugs?
这可是周二晚上 还是工作日
It's a Tuesday night, guys. It's the middle of the week.
我们不能嗑药
We're not doing drugs.
不是我这个年纪干的事 大家都不是
Not at my age. Not at our age.
-你刚刚吃了多少片 -三片
- How many did you just take? - Three.
-你吃了三片药 -刚刚那个是第三片
- You just took three drugs? - That was the third.
美国孩子有一半都嗑药
Half the kids in America are doing this.
她五岁的妹妹就磕药
Her five-year-old sister does it.
五岁 那是同父异母的妹妹还是...
Five. That's a half-sister or...
你们向我寻求建议 这就是我的建议
You asked for my advice. This is my advice.
-磕药 -没错
- To do drugs? - Yes!
不会变得奇怪 只会很专注
You won't be weird, just gonna be focused.
-这就对了 -没错
- There you go! - Exactly.
-我的确需要专注 -尽管去磕药吧
- I could use that. - Just do the drugs!
磕药吧
Do the drugs!
磕药吧
Do the drugs!
磕药吧
Do the drugs!
魔术师 魔术师 写下来
Warlock! Warlock! Put it down.
俱乐部的儿童 他们变成了精灵
Club kids, they turn into fairies.
-一个塞满老鼠的稻草人 -不
- A scarecrow filled with mice? - Oh, no!
-超级饥渴的机器人 -机器人
- Super-horny robots. - Robots.
-伙计们 我知道了 -什么
- Dudes, I got it. - Yes, man, what?
性感的怪兽
It's sexy monsters.
别瞎扯
No shit.
伙计 那是什么 切碎了的阿得拉吗
Oh, man, so what is that, just chopped up Adderall?
不 兄弟 那是可♥卡♥因♥
Oh, no, bro, that's cocaine.
你逗我吗 可♥卡♥因♥ 我磕了可♥卡♥因♥
Are you fucking serious? That's cocaine? I did cocaine?
我的天 你太有才了 麦克斯
Oh, my God! You're so talented, Max!
继续
Do more.
-对 -就这样 麦克西
- Yes. - That's it, Maxie!
-他为什么有踢踏鞋 -我为什么没有
- Why does he have tap shoes? - Why don't I have tap shoes?
五十
50!
这一点都说不通
This doesn't make any sense.
我觉得我们马上就要想出来了
I really thought we were onto something.
我有个主意
I have an idea.
我们要像《美丽心灵》那样
We have to Beautiful Mind it.
这不会成功的 伙计 这不可能
This will not work, dude. There's no way it's possible.
-我赌二十块它能粘三十秒 -我赌五分钟
- I'm putting 20 bucks on 30 seconds. - Five minutes!
事实上 我觉得能粘一个小时
An hour, actually, I think.
-这不错 -好吧
- I like that. - Okay.
好吧
All right.
-加油 粘着 粘着 -挺住 挺住
- Come on. Stay. Stay. - Hold. Hold.
掉掉掉
Go, go, go.
就这些了 不磕了
That's it, though. That's it.
但就像无序中的有序
But it's like order within the disorder.
关联到无...
Connection into the dis...
我写了七遍"阴♥道♥"
I wrote vagina seven times.
还剩15秒
15 more seconds.
-掉 -挺住
- Go! - Stick!
-不 -太棒了 等等
- No! - Yes! Wait!
我知道我们要干什么了 同志们
I know what we've got to do, you guys.
尼克 你做到了
Nick, you're doing it!
你们用的是锐意油性笔
You guys are writing in Sharpie.
不好意思 什么
I'm sorry, what?
那是油性笔 擦不掉的
That's Sharpie, that's permanent marker.
他没有情感 虽然能笑
He has no feelings, like he can smile
但只是被设定成会操人
but he's programmed to fuck.
表面上看他是个人 但...
And outside he's a person, but...
各位 我明天早上有手术
I have surgery in the morning, people!
这他妈是谁
Who the fuck is that?
-两分钟 -两分钟
- Two minutes! - Two minutes!
滚
Get out!
-滚 -好
- Get out! - Okay.
鞋呢
Shoes.
*我从未见你如今晚这般美丽*
*I've never seen you looking as lovely as you did tonight*
克里斯·蒂伯1986年歌♥曲《红衣女郎》
*我从未见你如此光彩照人*
*I've never seen you shine so bright*
*我从未见你穿这条裙子*
*And I've never seen that dress you are wearing*
*还有那引人注目的飘逸长发*
*or the highlights in your hair that catch your eyes*
*恕我眼拙*
*I have been blind*
*红衣女郎*
*Lady in red*
*在与我共舞*
*is dancing with me*
真的吗
Really?
*面贴面*
*cheek to cheek*
*我快要不认识*
*I hardly know...*
*我身边这位美人了*
*this beauty by my side*
天哪
Jesus!
-在场的有医生吗 -我觉得我们该走了
- Is anybody a doctor? - I think we should go.
好吧 那么核毁灭导致的
Okay, so like... how about a mutant
变种人呢 很酷的
from a nuclear holocaust? That's cool.
等等 犹太人♥大♥屠♥杀♥ 有意思
Wait. The Holocaust? That's interesting.
不是犹太人♥大♥屠♥杀♥ 是核毁灭 快点
Not the Holocaust, a nuclear holocaust. Come on, man!
我不知道我能不能写出来
I don't know if I'm cut out for this, okay? I mean...
暗夜生物 到底什么东西啊
Creatures of the night? What does that even mean?
这和暗夜生物无关
It's not about the creatures.
别管什么生物了 重点是你
Forget about the creatures, dude. It's about you.
所有优秀的青少年小说作者
All the YA genre authors, the good ones,
都是在写自身经历
they all just write about their own experiences.
比如斯蒂芬妮·梅尔 《暮光之城》系列
Like Stephanie Meyer, the vampire books.
那就是在写她从小到大性压抑的经历
That's about her life growing up as a sexually repressed woman.
还有苏珊·柯林斯 写了《饥饿游戏》系列
And Susan Collins, right, The Hunger Games,
那是在写她从小到大作为军人子女的经历
it's about her experiences growing up as a military brat.
她写的是她的自身经历
She's wrote about her own experiences.
拉斐特·罗恩·霍华德创办了一个邪教
L. Ron Howard wanted to start a cult.
是拉斐特·罗恩·贺伯特L. Ron Hubbard.
美国科幻小说作家 创立了山达基教
不 百分百是霍华德
No, it's 100% L. Ron Howard.
百分百是贺伯特
It's 100% L. Ron Hubbard.
百分百是霍华德
It's 100% L. Ron Howard.
百分之百
100%.
我们得再深入一点
We have to dig deeper, okay?
我们得再深入一点
We have to dig deeper.
我们得挖掘你的个人经历
We gotta mine your own personal experiences, okay?
你得把那些挖出来
You gotta just mine that.
你要摧毁他
What you're gonna do is break him down.
像拉斐特·罗恩·霍华德那样
You're gonna L. Ron Howard him.
没有那回事
That's not a thing.
霍华德在《戴尼提》里就是那么写的
It's what L. Ron Howard wrote about in Dianetics.
用一个皮肤电测试仪来审查他
You use the E-meters to audit him.
用于探测皮电反应的测试仪
山达基教用于审查教♥徒♥
为什么你对山达基教这么了解
Why do you know so much about Scientology
却说不对创始人的名字 那才是最简单的
except the guy's name? That's the easiest part of it.
他是在导演了《回火》和《阿波罗13号♥》后
Did he invent Scientology, like,
美国导演朗·霍华德执导电影
又创办了山达基教吗
after he directed Backdraft and Apollo 13?
不 你说的那是朗·霍华德
No, that was Ron Howard.
我说的是拉斐特·罗恩·霍华德
I'm talking about L. Ron Howard.
-我的天哪 -你们能不能别吵了
- Oh, my God... - Guys, can we please stop?
-伊桑 -干嘛
- Ethan! - What?
你是哪种生物
What kind of creature are you?
-我不知道 马吗 -你妻子支持着你