未来总统日记

I'm more of an uncle guy.
我喜欢满足孩子的生日愿望
I crush a birthday check.
带我侄子去看了《菜鸟和孩子》
Take my nephew to see Rookie and the Kid.
-经典 -经典
- Ooh, a classic. - Classic.
我有孩子之前也是同样的感觉
I felt the same way before our kids came along.
我问自己"我适合当爸爸吗"
I asked myself, "Am I cut out for this?"
没错 我就是这么想的
Exactly. That's how I feel.
万一我建议不对 毁了他们的未来怎么办
"What if I give them the wrong advice and mess them up forever?
把他们弄哭了怎么办 让他们摔地下怎么办
What if I make them cry? What if I drop one?"
我觉得自己根本做不到
I worried about my ability to do any of it.
-但是你 -没有但是
- But then you... - But then nothing.
放手去做就行了 虽然有点可怕
You just jump into the deep end, and it's a little terrifying,
但你和你最爱的人在一起
but you're in there with the people you love most in the world.
老实说 除非你放手 否则你永远不会知道
Honestly, you'll never know unless you jump in.
你在做什么
What are you doing?
你在网上查询孩子症状的时候
You have that focused look on your face you get
才会有这种表情
when you WebMD your kids' symptoms.
我在社交媒体上人肉乔伊
I'm doing a deep social media dive on Joy.
我要找到我们的共同点
I need to find something
这样她才会选我
that we can bond about so that she can pick me.
人肉我喜欢
Oh, I love a deep dive.
你在查什么
What are we working with?
船上的酒 海滩上的酒
Uh, wine on a boat. Wine on a beach.
沙滩上的狗
Dog on a beach.
海滩上的酒和狗
Dog with wine on the beach.
再往前 我想看那条狗小时候的样子
Aw, go back further. I wanna see that dog as a puppy.
不好意思 我是这次侵犯隐私事件的负责人
Excuse me. I'm captaining this privacy invasion here.
-让我看看嘛 -卡米拉 小心点
- Just let me see it for a second. - Camila, you gotta be careful!
天哪 你点赞一张照片
Oh, God. You liked a photo.
我没点赞 是你点的
I didn't like a photo. You liked it.
快取消
Unlike it. Unlike it.
等等 她能看到我点赞然后取消吗
Wait. Can she see that I liked and then unliked the photo?
再点一次赞
Oh, like it again. Like it again.
你多点一些其他的照片
You should like a whole bunch of other photos
不然她肯定会奇怪
to offset how weird it is
你为什么要点赞她273周前的柠檬乳清煎饼
that you liked her lemon ricotta pancakes from 273 weeks ago.
好的 很好
Okay, okay, good. That's good.
不 这样更奇怪了
Oh, no. This is even weirder.
都取消吧
I'm gonna unlike everything,
到时候告诉她 我的手♥机♥被黑了
and I'm gonna tell her that my phone was hacked,
然后她会为我感到难过 把案子交给我
and then she'll feel sorry for me and give me the case.
加比 住手 你的食指真是害人害己
Gabi, stop. Your index finger is a danger to yourself and others.
你什么时候开始用牙线了
Since when do you floss?
我一直用啊
I floss.
水池的血迹可不这么认为
The pink in the sink says otherwise.
能把球还给我吗
Can you give the ball back?
你觉得我应该把文胸还回去吗
Do you think I should give the bra back?
谁说文胸了
Who said anything about a bra?
什么 没有人
What? No one.
-你刚才说文胸了 -不 我没有
- You just said bra. - No, I didn't.
什么
What?
"纹胸"
Bra-zé-Bra.
"纹胸"
Bra-zé-Bra.
"纹胸"
Bra-zé-Bra.
文胸 文胸
Bra, bra!
-内疚 -"纹胸"
- Guilt. - Bra-zé-Bra.
-极度羞愧 -"纹胸"
- Crushing shame. - Bra-zé-Bra.
-你只能 -"纹胸"
- You only have... - Bra-zé-Bra.
怪你自己
Yourself to blame.
"纹胸"
Bra-zé-Bra.
回婴儿用品店吧 埃琳娜
Go back to the baby store, Elena.
这家商店只有女人才可以进
This store is just for women.
永远不会
Nevermore.
不许动 你因为冒充成年女子而被捕了
Freeze! You're under arrest for impersonating a grown woman.
还有偷文胸的事
And also, the bra thing.
没错 还有偷文胸 我们要把你送进监狱
Right! The bra thing too. We're taking you to jail.
在那里你永远不会偷东西了
Where you will steal nevermore.
-永远不会 -永远不会
- Nevermore. Nevermore. - Nevermore. Nevermore.
-永远不会 -永远不会
- Nevermore. Nevermore. - Nevermore. Nevermore.
-永远不会 -永远不会
- Nevermore. Nevermore. - Nevermore. Nevermore.
女孩被困在屋顶上
The girl was, like, stuck on a rooftop,
然后斯凯勒·扎克森乘悬滑板飞过城市
and then Skyler Zaxton flies over the city on a hoverboard,
在云尘中拼出了"未完待续"
and spells out, in cloud dust: "To be continued."
埃琳娜 这意味着会有第二个视频
Elena. That means there's gonna be a second video.
你在听我说话吗
Are you even listening to me?
我受不了了 我睡不着
I can't take it anymore. I haven't slept.
我被噩梦所困扰 被我的行为所困扰
I'm plagued by nightmares, haunted by my actions and...
犯罪压力太大了 罪犯怎么受得了啊
Being a criminal is so stressful. How does anyone do it?
来 你得喝点东西
Here, you need a drink.
我知道我们说过再也不提这事了
I know we said we'd never speak of it again,
但我要告诉我妈妈 即使她要逮捕我
but I need to tell my mom even if she arrests me.
我要回商场 摆脱这件被诅咒的文胸
I need to go back to the mall and rid myself of this cursed bra.
那祝你好运
Then Godspeed.
作为你的好姐妹 我会永远支持你的
As your BFFAESNSOTBFBU, I will always stand by your side.
谢谢 萨沙 我马上回来
Thanks, Sasha. I'll be right back.
-妈妈 -埃莉妮塔 一切
- Mami. - Elenita? Everything o--
我偷了一个文胸 这是个意外 但我还是偷了
I stole a bra. It was an accident, but it happened.
我被自己的罪恶感所吞噬 被行为所困扰
I'm consumed by my guilt, haunted by my actions,
我要向你坦白
and I needed to confess.
"基米家"不卖♥♥文胸啊
Kimmy's doesn't sell bras.
我偶然走进了"密友"
I... I strayed... to Intimates & More.
杰西卡和梅丽莎买♥♥了新"纹胸"斑马文胸
Jessica and Melissa had the new Bra-zé-Bra Zebra Bra,
她们让我们觉得自己像个小女孩
and they were making us feel like little girls.
你会因为生了我这个罪犯而生气吗
Are you mad that you mothered a criminal?
我知道你不是故意的
I know you didn't mean to steal.
我从酒店拿乳液你都不乐意
You don't even like it when I take lotion from hotel rooms.
那就是应该放在酒店使用的
It's meant to be used at the hotel.
我知道你也想得到其他女生拥有的东西
And I understand you wanting what other girls have,
但我很失望你坏了规矩
but I'm disappointed you broke the rules.
我知道 我很抱歉
I know and I'm sorry.
所以在你的监督下
So, with the appropriate parental supervision,
我能回商场解决这件事吗 拜托
can I please go back to the mall and make things right? Please?
放学后就去
We'll go after school.
先不说了
And we'll finish this conversation
因为你现在可能在午餐桌下面呢
since you're probably under the lunch table right now.
没错 谢谢
I am. Thank you.
来点熟食吗
Can I offer you charcuterie?
你很了解我啊
You know me so well.
你们觉得这个地方怎么样
So, what do you guys think of the place?
很不错 对吧
Pretty dope, right?
100%无霉菌 没什么大不了的
Yeah, 100% mold-free, no biggie.
我们不过是找了迈阿密顶尖的霉菌专家
We only had Miami's leading mold expert,
查德·比林斯来清理的
Chad Billings, up in here.
他简直就是除霉特工
He's like the Ghostbusters of mold.
-丹尼 没人在乎这个 -霉菌好恶心
- Danny, no one cares. - Ugh, mold is gross.
我同意 卡西 霉菌真的好恶心
I agree, Cassie. Mold is so gross.
这是我的痛苦之源 我特别讨厌
It's the bane of my existence, and I hate it.
霉菌
Mold.
谁想玩《两分钟舌战》
So, uh, who wants to play Two Minute Tongue Tank?
我玩 卡西呢
I do. Cassie?
我们按字母顺序怎么样 这样最公平
How 'bout we go alphabetically? Seems the most fair.
鲍比
Bobby.
好的
Right.
-莫妮卡 你想 -好啊
- Monyca, do you wanna-- - Yes.
两分钟 倒计时了
Two minutes and counting.
另一边见 兄弟
See you on the other side, brother.
加比
Gabi...
这个问题很奇怪 但你昨晚为什么一直骚扰我
weird Q, but why were you blowing up my phone last night?
我们能谈谈吗
Um, can we talk?
我很抱歉 我不是故意吓你的
Look, I'm so sorry about that. I didn't mean to be creepy.
我只是想了解你