救援高手（2013）

因为从美国♥军♥工企业到美国航♥空♥航♥天♥局 所有人都告诉我们
with everyone from U.S. Defense companies to NASA telling us
这样一种技术并不存在
the technology didn't exist
没有机器人能够拉下某人的裤子
to have a robot pull down someone's pants.
但我并没有放弃 而皇天不负有心人
But I didn't give up, and eventually,
我找到了一个公♥司♥ 他们宣称可以做到
I found a company that said they could do it.
就是它了
So this is it.
这是一个库卡机器人 型号♥是KR15-2
This is a KUKA-Robotics K.R.15-2.
在John给我展示了这个机器人后
After john showed me the robot,
我向他详细介绍了我需要用它来干什么
I explained to him specifically what I needed it to do.
然后 一旦我的裤子被脱下后
Then, once the pants are down,
我要它上移到这里来
I want it to come up here,
勾住我的平角内♥裤♥ 然后把它拉下来
hook onto the boxers, and pull those down.
John建议我做一套上面带圈的定制下装
John suggested making custom-designed pants with loops
这样机器人就能更轻松地将它拉下
that would make it easier for the robot to remove them,
因此我雇了一名裁缝依照John制定的规格来做下装
so I hired a tailor to make the pants to John's specifications.
并且在衣服制♥作♥的那一周内
And over the week they were being made,
他成为了我非正式的练习搭档
he informally became my practice partner.
我从他那里借了一件内♥裤♥
I borrowed a pair of his underwear
这样就能将我的两条裤子都脱下
so we could pull down my pants all the way
而不用看到我的丁丁
without seeing my penis.
九十秒了
90.
被人脱下裤子使我非常分心
The pants being taken off was definitely distracting,
但我离九十秒逃脱的目标越来越近了
but I was getting closer to my 90-second goal.
看时间 看时间 停下来 我用了多久
Time, time, stop it. What do I got?
好的 一百五十秒
Okay, 150.
在经过大约一小时的开锁训练
And after getting an hour or so of training it,
做好的裤子被打包起来送到了如真特效公♥司♥
the completed pants were packaged up and delivered to Reel EFX
因此可以开始给机器人设置程序了
so the robot could begin being programmed.
同时
In the meantime,
我想要知道性侵犯者进监狱的真正后果
I wanted to find out the real consequences of going to prison as a sex offender,
因此我和Jimmy Murphy见了一面
so I met up with Jimmy Murphy
他因一系列暴♥力♥案件服刑超过十一年
who's served over 11 years for a variety of violent crimes.
我这么跟你说吧
I'll tell you this.
在监狱里 你最不想当的就是性罪犯
In there, it's the last thing you want to be.
那是最下等的人
It's the lowest.
如果我进了监狱会发生什么
What would happen to me in there?
这个嘛 你知道 你可能会 呃
Well, you know, you'd probably, uh, go--
回到你的牢房♥ 然后你可能会发现
go to your cell, and you'd find
你枕头下有几块士力架
a couple of snickers bars on your pillow.
哦 哇哦 - 然后就会
Oh, wow. - And then--
听上去一点都不糟糕啊
So this doesn't sound that bad at all.
不是的 你走进去可能会说 "哦 真不错的礼物"
No, you'd go in there, and you'd say, "Oh, wow, what a gift."
你懂的 然后你就会吃掉这些东西
You know, and you'd eat the stuff.
再然后 就会有人过来问你
Well, someone's gonna come and say,
"嘿 我的巧克力呢"
"Hey，what happened to my chocolate?"
然后你会说 "哦 那个 被我吃掉了"
And you're gonna go, "Oh, I, uh, I ate that."
然后他们就会说
And then they're gonna go,
"那你得为此付出代价了"
"Well, you need to pay for that."
嗯 怎么付呢 我又没有钱
Yeah, how? I don't have any money.
这样的话 你的头可能就要和某人的皮带扣若即若离了
Well, then you might find your head bouncing off somebody's belt buckle.
我不想做那样的事
I don't want to do that.
你当然不想了
No, of course you don't.
因为那里有很多皮带扣等着你
'Cause there's a lot of belt buckles in there.
真的吗 - 是啊 你会很累的
Really? - Oh, yeah, you'll grow tired.
监狱里允许系皮带吗
They allow you to wear belts in prison?
不 这只是个 - 所以要怎么用
No, it's a-- - So how would it work?
他们只把搭扣发给你吗
They just give you the buckle?
不是的 我 呃
Well, no, I, uh--
所以皮带扣并不存在 - 没错 并不存在 我的意思是
So there's no belt buckle. - Well, no, not really. I meant--
那我的头不会在任何皮带扣附近运动喽
So my head wouldn't be bouncing around any belt buckles.
换句话说 你嘴里会含着根鸡♥巴♥
So, in other words, you'd have a c**k in your mouth.
我的意思是 那应该也不会来回弹吧
I mean, it probably wouldn't bounce, too,
因为在碰到蛋蛋的时候我肯定会停下来
because I would stop when I got to the balls
就不会再往前了
before I got in.
我不知道你是怎么做的
I don't know how you do it.
反正我会那么做的
Well, that's how I would.
一个男人给另一个男人口♥交♥当然没什么问题
There's nothing wrong with a man giving another man oral sex,
但我不想那么做
but I didn't want to do it.
而且这么想象了之后我开始怀疑
And visualizing it made me question
这整个特技表演到底值不值得
if this entire stunt was actually worth it.
回到如真特效公♥司♥后我更加忧虑了
My concerns were heightened when I returned to Reel EFX
因为机器人难以预料的糟糕表现
to find the robot acting unpredictably.
更糟糕的是
To make matters worse,
我发现其精准度将决定我命运的机器人
I found out that the robot whose precision would determine my fate
运行的系统是微软95 - 这个效果其实
ran on Windows 95. - It's as good--
你一定是在逗我玩吧
You've gotta be kidding me.
我爸妈七年前就把他们那个装微软95系统的电脑扔了
My parents threw out their computer that ran Windows 95, like, seven years ago
因为扫雷游戏运行不太正常
because Minesweeper wasn't working properly.
没事的 因为程序没那么
It's okay. 'Cause what happens--
说真的 我的人生就
Honestly, like, my life, like--
这玩意在离我身子
this is moving within an--
没错 - 几毫米的地方动来动去
Right. - millimeters of my body.
我最担心的是到了正式表演那天
I was mainly concerned because on the day of the escape,
John将不得不离开操控台
John would have to step away from the controls
然后让程序自动运行
and let the program run automatically.
但他向我保证这个软件绝对会成功
But he assured me the software would work.
所以这个机器人被运送到了伊利森公园
So the robot was transported to Elysian Park,
在那里超过50个工作人员
where a crew of over 50 people
花了整整两天的时间
worked for two straight days
为今夜历史性的表演做准备
to prepare for tonight's historic stunt.
今夜 Nathan Fielder
Tonight, Nathan Fielder
冒着承受终极耻辱的风险
risks the ultimate shame,
与一个冷酷无情的机器人对决
facing a heartless robot
它的唯一任务就是暴露他的私处
that's only mission is to expose his private parts.
这可能是最危险的一场表演
This might be the most dangerous stunt
前所未有
ever imagined.
孩子们在看着
Children watching...
洛城警♥察♥在现场
L.A.P.D. present...
而这一切都发生在夜色中
And all in the dark of night.
嗯 天生我材必有用
You know, I've been put on Earth for a reason,
我觉得这就是上帝为我安排好的
and I believe this is God's plan for me.
举世瞩目
The world is watching.
他会激励成千上万的人
Will he inspire millions
并为他的祖国加拿大带去荣光
and honor his home country of Canada
还是身陷囹圄 甚至被驱逐出境
or end up behind bars and risk deportation?
电视史上的第一次尝试
Never before attempted in the history of television...
我是说 这可是喜剧中心台的节目
I mean, this is a Comedy Central show.
我的意思是 这简直 我们在做的事真是太疯狂了
I mean, this is-- it's crazy what we're doing.
他会成功逃脱 还是失败
Will he escape, or won't he?
Nathan Fielder挑战
Nathan Fielder takes on...
耻辱之爪
The Claw of Shame.
距离逃脱正式开始只剩一小会了
We're just moments away from the escape,
而今夜 我承受不了失败的代价
and tonight, I cannot risk failure.
但这几年我学到的一件事就是
But one thing I've learned over the years is that
你不能害怕失败
you can't be afraid of failing.
事实上 在我的节目里 当我帮助小商小贩的时候
In fact, on my show, when I help businesses,
失败再平常不过了
I fail all the time.
一般情况下我都羞于展示那些片段
And I'm normally shy to show those moments,
但今晚我要破个例
but tonight, I'm going to make an exception.
现在我们来回顾一下我最悲剧的几次失败
So let's take a look now at some of my greatest failures.
我最不受欢迎的主意之一
One of my least popular ideas
是建立一个完全无菌的热狗站
was for a completely germ-free hot dog stand.
在室外的小吃摊上
At outdoor food carts,
病菌很容易就会从钱转移到你的食物上
it's easy for germs to transfer from money to your food.
为了彻底根除这个问题
So to completely eliminate this,
我想出了一种无需双手就能把佐料加到香肠里的办法
I designed a hands-free method to apply condiments to the wiener.
另外 还会有一名帮工在旁边
Also, there would be a second employee
他唯一的任务就是收钱
whose only job is to handle the money.
你动我钱包干吗
What are you doing with the wallet?
我们在提供一种无菌消费体验
We're doing a germ-free experience,