救援高手（2013）

你可以装上一满桶的屎味冻酸奶
You could fill a bucket full of s**t frozen yogurt
顶在头上然后站在店门口
and put it on your head and then stand outside of the store
身上挂个招牌写着
with a sign that says
"我不知道怎么做商业营销"
"I don't know how to market a business"
看看会不会有人来
and see if people come.
人们可以拿着小勺子来然后
People could come with little spoons and they could--
我今天刚来的时候
When I first came today,
需要用洗手间 你把钥匙借给了我
I had to go to the bathroom and you lent me your keys.
是的
I did.
我看到你开的是保时捷
I saw that you drive a Porsche.
没错
I do.
呃 大家不是说开豪车的人
Um, don't they say people that drive nice cars
可能鸡♥巴♥比较小吗
maybe have small penises?
谁说的
Who says that?
我认为这是个众所周知的事实
I think it's a known fact.
好吧 我可以跟你保证这根本不是事实
Well, I can assure you that's not a known fact.
你怎么保证
How can you assure me?
你见过很多鸡♥巴♥吗
Do you--have you seen a lot of penises?
一些吧 - 一些
Some. - Some.
我想 既然你是个鸡♥巴♥方面的专家
Since you're a penis expert, I'm assuming.
我不是鸡♥巴♥专家 你在说什么啊
I'm not a penis expert. What are you talking about?
你刚刚说了你是一名鸡♥巴♥专家
You just said that you're a penis expert.
不 我是说我见过一些鸡♥巴♥
No, I said I've seen a few penises.
我认为我没有像你一样见过足够的鸡♥巴♥去
I think I haven't seen enough penises... like you have to...
下那样的 - 我不明白这个数量
make that... - I don't understand the amount--
见过多少鸡♥巴♥
Seeing the amount of penises,
和你有一个小鸡♥巴♥有什么关系
how that would have to do with you having a small penis?
很不幸 Tyler并不想接受我这个客户
Unfortunately, Tyler didn't wanna take me on as a client.
所以我选择了一个更为草根的宣传策略
So I opted for a more grassroots approach to get the word out.
喂 老妈
Yeah, mom?
糟糕 抱歉
Shoot. Sorry.
我的天啊
Oh, my god.
不好意思 能请你 - 哦 我帮你
Sorry, please--oh. - Oh, here.
不用了 没关系 - 给你
No, it's okay. - Here.
抱歉 我没有手捡了
No, sorry, my hands are full.
没事 不用客气
Yeah, it's not a problem.
我刚刚在跟我妈讲有家冻酸奶店里
I was just telling my mom there's this frozen yogurt shop
有一款疯狂的口味 - 嗯哼
that has this crazy flavor. - Uh-huh.
好像是便便味酸奶
It's like a poo flavor yogurt.
我正在跟她说这个
I was just telling her.
所以才把东西掉了
So I was dropping all my stuff.
你应该去那家店看看 再见
You should check it out. See ya.
我的计划奏效了
My plan was working,
人们蜂拥到店里
and people were flocking to the store
去尝试新口味
to check out the new flavor.
你点了哪些口味的
So what flavors did you get?
我选了香草 欧式原味
I got the vanilla, the euro tart,
还有便便味
and the poo flavor.
哦 便便味吗 那是我最讨厌的味道
Oh, the poo. That was my least favorite.
我的计划大获成功
It was a success.
正如我预测的那样 店里座无虚席
And like I predicted, the store was full.
而在商业世界里 这才是最重要的
And in the world of business, that's all that matters.
但正当我以为我的使命已经完成的时候
But just when I thought my job was done,
第二天我又拜访了Nick
the next day I paid Nick a visit
并给他出了个更好的主意
with an even better idea.
我昨晚去了一家餐厅吃晚餐
I went for dinner last night at a restaurant.
当我正在吃的时候我看见一些
And while I was eating, I saw some--
地板上有一些貌似是老鼠屎的东西
I think, like, rat poop on the ground.
把我恶心到无法继续用餐
And I was so disgusted I couldn't finish my meal.
所以我就在想
So I was thinking,
我不确定把和大便有关的东西
I'm not sure if it's a good idea
放在提供食物的地方是一个好主意
to have something poo-related in a place that serves food.
这就是我想说的啊
That's what I was trying to say...
从一开始就是 - 好吧
from the very beginning. - Right.
不管怎么样 我只想来给你这个建议
Anyways, I just wanted to give you that advice.
所以 不用谢
So...you're welcome, and--
呃 谢谢你 那个
Uh, thank you. I mean--
保重
Take care.
嗯 如果
I mean, if--
如果你什么时候想一起出去玩的话
Yeah, if you wanna hang out some time outside.
呃 - 我也不知道
Uh-- - I don't know.
没关系的
It's fine.
我们并不是非得交朋友 - 这个 好吧
We don't have to. - Yeah, okay.
每个人都在谈论优秀大学教育的重要性
Everybody talks about the importance of a good college education.
但这么多年来 我发现头脑是否聪明
But over the years, I've discovered that being smart
与成不成功并无太大关系
has very little to do with success.
那你要问了 什么更重要呢
What's more important, you ask?
自信
Confidence.
如果你不相信 我这就证明给你看
And if you don't believe me, I'll prove it.
我在一家知名律所预约了一场工作面试
I arranged a job interview at a reputable law firm.
他们允许我们用摄影机进行拍摄
They allowed us to film with our cameras,
但他们不知道的是
but what they don't know
我在面试里说出的每句话
is that every word I say in the interview
都将由一位七岁的小男孩决定
will be decided by a seven-year-old boy.
这是Amir 他喜欢橙色
This is Amir, and he loves the color orange.
我最喜欢的颜色是橙色 因为
My favorite color is orange because--
因为橙色 它可以
Because orange-- it could--
那么如果我只说Amir通过隐藏耳机
So by only saying what Amir tells me to say
指示我说的话
through this hidden earpiece,
也就是赋予了我七岁小孩的智力
ostensibly giving me the brain of a seven-year-old,
我能只凭自信获得这份重要的工作吗
can I land this high-powered job based on confidence alone?
答案马上揭晓
Well, you're about to find out.
我们这里的工作主要就是在法庭上
What we actually do here is we file a lot of documents
提交许多文件 比如动议啊
in the court, motions.
为什么你想在律所里工作
Why would you wanna work in a law firm?
因为它说"没有坏蛋"
Because it says "No bad guys."
因为它说不会再有坏蛋
Because it says there's no bad guys.
然后就没有坏蛋能去那个镇子
And so no bad guys could come in that town.
所以没有坏蛋能去那个镇子
So no bad guys could come in that town.
呃
Um...
下个问题是什么
What's the next question?
下个问题是什么
What's the next question?
好吧
Okay.
你在这个领域有什么经验
What kind of experience do you have in this field?
意思什么 - 意思什么
What that means. - What that means.
法律相关经验
Legal experience.
我们能不能不回答这个问题
Could we just not do this question?
我们能不能不回答这个问题
Can we not do that question?
好啊
Okay.
你知道怎么在法庭上提交文件吗
Do you know how to file documents in the courts?
你喜欢玩滑板吗 - 你喜欢玩滑板吗
Do you like skateboarding? - Do you like skateboarding?
不 我不喜欢玩滑板
No, I don't like skateboarding,
但我问了你一个问题
But I asked you a question.
我们能跳过吗
Can we move on?
我们能跳过吗
Can we move on?
好吧
Okay.
看来我的面试非常成功
It seemed like I was nailing the interview.
结束时 我让Castanita小姐简单做了个评价
And at the end, I asked Ms. Castanita for an evaluation.
好了 我知道刚刚是个模拟面试
All right, so I know that was a mock interview.
但如果这是一份真的工作
But if that was a real job,
根据你看到的表现 你会聘用我吗
would you have hired me based on what you saw?
不会 - 但是有可能吗
No. - But maybe?
没有
No.
但还是有可能的 对吗
But maybe though, right?
也许吧
Maybe.
哇哦 我竟然靠一个七岁小孩的口才拿下了一个律所的工作
Wow. I just landed a job at a law firm using the words of a seven-year-old
仅仅因为我自信
by acting confident.
但如果不是一个天真的小孩
But what if, instead of an innocent kid,
而是一个纯粹想拆我台的混球呢
It was a jerk who was actually trying to sabotage me?
所以我又去了另一个面试
So I headed into another job interview,