燃情克利夫兰

Hot in Cleveland S03E04

Part 3 May 5, 2020, 9:44 a.m.

By how much?
你教我说多少我就说了多少
As much as you told me to.
我的天你必死无疑了
Oh, my god, you're going to die.
你得推掉这事
You have to get out of this.
在这方面我经验丰富
All right, I-I have some experience in this area.
你就反锁在保姆车里不出来
You need to lock yourself in your trailer
要求替身演员上场
and demand a stunt double.
才怪你得找个装嫩的理由来推辞
No, you need a young-ish excuse to get out of it.
就说你喝多了果冻鸡尾酒醉了
Uh, you're wasted from doing jell-o shots.
或者说你来月经了
Or you got your period.
真不敢相信我居然向你们仨求助
I can't believe I listened to you three.
行走人间77年
You'd think I would've learned something
我还以为能长点记性呢
after 77 years on this earth.
装嫩还是蛮好玩的
Wow. That is fun to say.
罗伊我得说我好怕啊
Roy, I admit it. I'm scared.
不过你第一次跳伞时也会紧张对吧
But you were nervous on your first jump, right?
我现在的确紧张
I sure am.
什么
What?
我要坦白我骗了你
I have a confession to make. I lied to you.
我从来没跳过伞
I've never done this before.
可你说你在韩战时当过伞兵
But you said you were a paratrooper in Korea.
都说了那是骗你的
Yes, that was the lie.
那我们不用跳了吧
So we don't have to do this.
不用
No.
我来解开咱俩的连接绳
Let me unhook the tandem line.
那是保险绳啊
That's the safety--
本日最后一组凯格尔提肛运动就此结束
And that's the last set of kegel exercises for today.
快把它拿走
Quick, get these away from me.
我"食瘾"复发了
I'm having a relapse.
这是什么
What is that?
妙味玉米片
The walking taco.
我抵抗不住它的诱惑
I can't resist them.
里面有辣椒奶酪酸奶油
It's chili, cheese, sour cream
洒在搅碎的咸味玉米片上神啊
all floating on a salty bed of crushed Frito goodness.
我会在里面加点葡萄干
I put raisins in mine.
那样就算是沙拉了嘛
Then it's a salad.
这得有多少卡路里啊
How many calories is that?
4780大卡
4,780 calories.
我是虚荣和浮华界的数学奇才
I'm the Beautiful Mind of vanity math.
-能还给我吗 -当然不行
- Can I have it back? - Of course not.
你就不该把它带来
You shouldn't have even brought it here.
你该把它扔在家里
You should have thrown it away at your house.
在我家我会把它从垃圾箱里翻出来吃掉
At my house, I would have just eaten it out of the trash...
我现在就想去翻了
Like I want to do now.
稳住稳住
No, no, no, no, no.
别哭别哭我亲爱的"后妈脸"宝贝
Hush, little judgey face, don't you cry...
我撒谎是为了让我看起来活力四射
I only lied to make myself seem more exciting.
可我并不喜欢追求刺♥激♥
But I'm no thrill seeker.
我那么说是因为我谎报了
I only lied about that because I lied about my--
这风景真是美不胜收
Oh, this is gorgeous.
的确如此
Oh, it is.
你谎报了什么
So what did you lie about?
值此良辰
Uh, in good time,
我们还是好好欣赏美景吧
let's just enjoy the view.
我们是不是越飘越歪了
Are we floating off course?
我们正飘向伊利湖
We're heading for Lake Erie.
他们说按我俩的体重总和
They said with our combined weight,
我们应该飘落在地面上
we'd drift right onto the field.
这个嘛
About that...
这天气游泳也不错是吧
Lovely day for a swim, isn't it?
优雅地老去只是个传说
Aging gracefully is a myth.
25岁后自然规律就不是你的朋友了
Nature is only your friend until you're 25,
你得转而结交那些不自然的
and then you have to turn to the unnatural--
肉毒杆菌填充物激光照射
Botox, fillers, and lasers.
我听说激光照射很疼的
I've heard lasers are painful.
止痛片的问题明天维多利亚会解决
Victoria will cover pain killing tomorrow.
千万不要错过也别想着开车溜回家
Don't miss it, and don't plan on driving home.
激光疗法能令你的肌肤年轻数岁
Laser treatments make your skin look years younger.
下面看我演示
Here's how.
将这块棉花糖想象成
Imagine this marshmallow
你们那布满皱纹的苦瓜脸
is your sad, wrinkly face.
现在用神奇的激光照射一下
Now here comes the helpful laser.
虽然现在看着烧焦起泡了
Of course it looks burnt and blistery now,
但把外壳剥掉之后
but when the crust peels off,
底下的表面既柔嫩又平滑
it's all creamy and smooth underneath.
还有什么疑问吗
Any questions?
不行这个不能吃
No, you can't eat it.
杰瑞你怎么来了
Jerry, what are you doing here?
我就知道你不是在做剪贴簿
I knew you weren't scrapbooking.
你们就是那几位走运的老公吧
Are you the lucky husbands?
快请进
Please come in.
见到自己焕然一新的老婆有什么感受
And tell us what you think of your fabulous new wives.
把以前的老婆还给我们
We want our old wives back.
对以前的老婆可不会饿成暴脾气
Yeah, our old wives weren't hungry and cranky.
出门前打扮的速度也很效率
And they didn't take so long to get ready.
看她们努力的成果啊魅力大增
But look at the results. They're so hot.
-不觉得诱惑难挡吗 -你是指性福的诱惑吗
- How can you stand it? - Are you talking about sex?
我老婆说她没练出腹肌前不准我碰她
Because my wife said that's over until she gets abs.
我老婆说腹肌和孩子两样不可兼得
My wife says nobody can have abs and kids at the same time.
我老婆说格温·史蒂芬妮就双丰收了
She says Gwen Stefani does.
[著名美女歌♥手时尚教主]
你是说新来的那个幼儿园老师吗
Is that the new kindergarten teacher?
先生们听听你们的荒唐话
Gentlemen, are you listening to yourselves?
你们老婆这么做不只是为了你们
Now, your wives didn't just do this for you.
也为她们自己为了她们自己的尊严
They also did it for themselves, for their own personal dignity.
自尊?
Personal dignity?
我们这么做完全是为了自己的老公
Well, we were always doing it for our husbands.
好浪漫哦
I think this is romantic.
他们想让自己老婆做真实的自我
The guys just want their wives to be themselves.
这是真的吗杰瑞
Is that true, Jerry?
你真的喜欢我原来的样子吗
Did you really like me the way I was?
当然了
Of course.
但你总是盯着她们看啊
But you're always staring at them.
就是过过眼瘾
Just to stare.
结婚过日子我可不会选她们
I wouldn't want to be married to them.
老天你敢想象吗
Oh, god, can you imagine?
那肯定是个噩梦
That would be a nightmare.
金姆现在闻起来都不对味了
New Kim doesn't even smell right.
你身上以前那种...
You don't have that...
清新的培根味不见了
bacon-y freshness.
老杰
Oh, Jer.
走吧莎莉
Come on, Sally.
咱们回家把超短短裤烧了去
Let's get home and burn those short shorts.
走吧宝贝儿
Let's go, baby.
-谢谢你们 -谢什么
- Thanks, you guys. - For what?
我们之前只是想确定
Well, all we wanted to know
我们老公对你们没有性趣
was that our husbands didn't want you.
现在我们确定了
And we got that.
现在轮到你们形象重塑了吧
Who needs a makeover now?
口出恶言实在抱歉
I'm sorry if that came off mean.
我实在饿急了
I'm very hungry.
他们觉得我们是华丽的噩梦
Apparently they think we are gorgeous nightmares.
"华丽"是你自己加的吧
They didn't say "gorgeous."
我能听出他们话里有那个意思
Well, it was implied.
他们爱妻有加真让人欣慰
Well, I think it's sweet how much they love their wives.
他们看着的确很幸福
They did seem happy.
他们之所以高兴
Well, they're happy
是因为他们的老婆又恢复到
because they're back where they were
被你们作践之前的样子了
before you hens pecked at them.
爱尔卡你没死啊
Elka, you didn't die.
别急着下结论
Not so fast.