双雌大盗（2025）

第二集
真高兴看到你来了
Fancy seeing you here.
你以为我不会来吗?
What are the chances?
医生怎么说?
What have the doctors said?
癌症只剩几个月了 不到一年
Cancer. Months, not years.
我想在死前跟你干最后一票
I wanna do one last job with you before I die
伯特的信?
From Bert?
我们要离她远点
We keep her at a distance.
如果你女儿过来找你 你会给她什么?
If your daughter rocks up, what are you gonna offer her?
半打鸡蛋 还是衣食无忧?
Half a dozen eggs or the chance to be set for life?
你能拿到7位数的现金
You'll be clearing seven figures.
你准备干了?
You gonna do it?
只要我是掌权的那个
As long as I call the shots.
我们要去偷「伟大的自♥慰♥者」
We are gonna steal the Face of the Great Masturbator.
贝多芬「第九交响曲」
(西语)兄弟姐♥妹♥们♥
Brothers and Sisters
愿主赐你们平安
The peace of the Lord be with you
现在让我们互相传递平安
Now let us offer each other a sign of peace
愿平安与你同在
Que la paz sea contigo.
愿平安与你同在
Que la paz sea contigo.
愿平安与你同在 -愿平安与你同在
Que la paz sea contigo. - Que la paz sea contigo.
愿平安与你同在
Que la paz sea contigo.
愿平安与你同在 -愿平安与你同在
Que la paz sea contigo. - Que la paz sea contigo.
愿平安与你同在
Que la paz sea contigo.
大卫! 拿块布来 快点!
David! Get a cloth please, quickly
这里太热了
It's very hot
谢谢
Thank you
抱歉
I'm sorry
谢谢
Thank you
实在太热了
It's very hot
圣体与你同在
El cuerpo de Cristo.
圣体与你同在 -阿门
El cuerpo de Cristo. - Amen.
我的手表
My watch
我的手表呢?!
My watch
稍安毋躁
Please
我的主啊!
Holy shit!
圣荆棘冠!
The Crown!
你还好吧?
You Ok?
两天前
西班牙马德里索菲娅王后国家艺术馆
她在嗅他的蛋蛋?
MADRID Is she sniffing his bollocks?
这就是伟大艺术的精髓
That's the thing about great art.
每次观看你都能看到不同的东西
You see something different every time you look at it.
这幅画到底在表达什么?
What's it about, then?
当时达利迷恋上了一位俄♥罗♥斯♥女人 名叫加拉
So, Dali was obsessed with this Russian woman, Gala,
他后来娶了她 但这幅画诞生时候
who he would eventually marry, but at the time this was painted
她还是诗人保尔·艾吕雅的妻子
she was married to the poet Paul Eluard.
之后艾吕雅被迫一个人回到了巴黎
Now, Eluard jibs off back to Paris on his own -
这决定可非常不明智 因为达利极有可能
some would say a foolhardy decision on the account of the high chance
趁艾吕雅不在的时候上了他的老婆
that Dali was gonna knob his missus if left unattended.
总之达利得手了 在那过程中就有了这幅画
Any way, he did, and in the process, this was painted.
很多狗屁分♥析♥都是围绕着达利对性的矛盾
There's all this guff about his contradictory feelings towards sex
但我觉得是达利看到一个女人在自♥慰♥
but I think he saw a woman having a wank and thought
"哎呦 我的笔刷呢?"
" Oi, oi, where's my paintbrush?"
哇哦 你讲起艺术可是头头是道啊
Wow. You really have learned all there is to know about art.
那么是要把它塞进你的屁♥眼♥里带出去吗?
So, up your jumper and down the stairs?
我们后面会聊到那个
Well, we'll come to that.
首先 我有个绝妙的计划
First of all - my stroke of genius.
我们要来个狸猫换太子
We're gonna execute a swap.
把真迹从墙上取下来
We're gonna get that off the wall
换上个非常完美的复♥制♥品
and replace it with a copy that's so perfect,
就连最顶尖的艺术专家都看不出那是赝品
not even the greatest art experts would know it was a fake
继续说
Go on.
我已经联♥系♥到了世界上最顶级的伪画师
I've made contact with the world's greatest forger.
他怎么称得上这个最顶级的名号♥?
And how does one gual if y as the world's greatest forger?
如果我说得完他所有的伪作
If I could name all of his forgeries,
他就不算是优秀的伪画师了 不是吗?
he wouldn't be a very good forger, would he?
据说他是个天才少年
Reputedly a boy genius.
这个计划最棒的是 如果我们能成功
The beauty of all of this is if we can pull this off
没人会知道它被掉包了
no-one need know that a crime was even committed.
那我们怎么把它带出来?
How do we get it out?
哦 这些细节就太乏味了
Oh, the finer details are so tedious.
所以我需要你来帮我
That's why I need you to help me.
每个房♥间里有四个监控 至少两名保安
Four cameras in each room. Minimum of two security guards.
『自♥慰♥者」这幅画有个专门的摄像机 时刻盯着
The Masturbator has a camera trained on it 24 7
真是后现代啊 达利肯定爱死了
Post-modern. Dali would love that.
它的隔壁就是毕加索的「格尔尼卡」
She also sits next door to the Guernica,
西班牙最出名的画作
Spain's most famous painting.
所以画廊这片区域的安保十分严密
So, scrutiny in this part of the gallery is rather high.
显然 我们得等闭馆后才能动手 没有游客干扰
Obviously, we do it all after hours. No punters
我们得把监控画面替换掉
We'll have to swap the security feed
这样他们才不会看到我们的行动
so no-one can see us going about our business.
我们得用个傻瓜式的吸引注意力手段
To do that, we'll need a foolproof distraction.
怎么 声东击西吗?
What, like give them the old one-two?
现在是2025年了 我不确定这招是否有用
It's 2025 - I'm not sure that still works.
哦得了吧 这招永远管用
Oh, come on. Tits is tits.
行吧 那我们用点更高级的手段
All right, so we employ a little more sophistication.
你有人选了?
Anyone in mind?
泰克小姐
Miss Take.
她吸引保安的注意力 我们就趁机换掉监控
Look, she can pull the attention of the guards while we swap the feed
伯特 我知道你时日无多 而且你觉得这是个好点子
Bert, I know you're sick and you think this is a good idea...
但我们需要信得过的人 她可不信任我们
. but we need someone we can trust, and she doesn't trust us.
所以我们也不能信任她
Therefore, we can't trust her.
她会利用这次机会实施报复的 我们当年可是撇下了她
I think she would use this to get back at us for leaving her
抱歉 不能找泰克小姐
I'm sorry - no Miss Take.
好吧 不找泰克小姐 但我们还是需要一个团队
OK, no Miss Take. But we still need to put a team together.
我们要是招人 那就没法掌控局面了
We bring people in, we lose control.
要是不招人 那我们就完蛋了
Or we don't bring people in and we fuck up
不行 我们需要一个团队
No, we need a team.
而且大家得紧密配合
And we need them in close proximity.
这事容不得闪失
We need to do this right.
我跟你说过了 我要当总指挥
I told you, I need to make the decisions.
我要把整个行动都控制得死死的
I want this whole thing on a tight lead.
不 你是想把我控制得死死的
No, you want ME on a tight lead
没错 最好再给你套个口套 那就完美了
Yeah with a muzzle on it. Which would be nice.
哦哈哈!
Oh!
你的掉包计划 继续说
The fake - go on.
我们夜里溜进去
So, we break in at night,
带着赝品到艺术馆里
and then we go up to the gallery with the fake.
等待最佳时机
And we wait for our perfect moment.
什么?
What?
难道有什么隐形衣能让我们躲过所有保安?
Sneak past all the guards in our invisibility cloaks (?)
我知道一个女人可以帮上忙
Well, I know a woman who can help with that.
杰姬·戴蒙德? -嗯
Jackie Diamond? - Mm.
杰姬怎么帮我们隐身?
So, Jackie helps us get in undetected?
嗯 她会解除激光 并帮我们将真迹从墙上取下来
Yeah. She'll disable the lasers and help get the painting off the wall.
真迹上的警报是靠重量变化触发的
The alarm is triggered by a change of weight.
所以需要解除警报?
So it needs to be deactivated?
或者施加跟画一样的重量
Or we counterbalance the painting
哦 那可复杂多了
Oh, that's much trickier.
这就要需要杰姬的绝技了
Which is why we need Jackie's expertise.
她鼓捣这些戏法已经三十年了
She's been doing these tricks for 30 years.
然后如果我们得手了
And then if we can pull that off.
就把真迹放到礼品店里
we take the real painting to the gift shop,
标记为待取
marked for collection.
你好来取幅画
Hola. La collection?
第二天 他们就毫不知情地把真迹交到我们手上
The next day, they unwittingly hand over the real Masturbator.
我们就这样光明正大进出? -是的
And we just walk out of her e? - Yep.
腋下夹着一幅价值千万欧元的画
With a ten-million-euro painting under our arm
甚至没人知道它被偷了
that no-one even knows has been stolen
这要费的功夫可真不小
It's gonna be a lot of work.
我们需要A计划 根据以往的经验
We're gonna need a Plan A, and, if we've learnt anything