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迅速问个问题
Quick question--
20分钟前你听见了我敲门吗
did you hear me knocking 20 minutes ago?
听到了 但我在忙我的事
Yeah, but I was doing my thing.
好吧
Oh, okay.
莱拉在楼下
Well, Lila was downstairs
在卫生间里忙她的事
doing her thing in the bathroom.
好
Right.
所以
So...
我被迫在车♥库♥里的
I was forced to take a shit
这个咖啡罐里拉了屎
in this coffee can in the garage.
-只是想告诉你一声 -好吧
- Just wanted you to know. - Okay.
我也许有 也许没有在这个咖啡罐里拉屎
While I may or may not have taken a shit in this coffee can,
但我很好地阐明了我的观点
the point is well-made.
大家用卫生间的时间应该一样多
Equal time in the bathroom.
-好 -拜托了
- All right. - Please.
嗯
Yep.
离婚 第一季第一集
-生日快乐 -你迟到了 但你什么都没错过
- Happy birthday! - You're late, but you haven't missed shit.
看在老天的分上 把音乐声调大点
Hey, turn the music up, for Christ's sake!
调大点
Turn it up!
小寿星
Birthday girl.
真美
So gorgeous!
-罗伯特 -黛安
- Robert! - Diane.
生日快乐
Happy birthday.
尼克 借过
Nick! Excuse me.
他邀请了一群我不认识的混球
He's invited a bunch of cocks I don't even know.
我都想自杀了
I wanna fucking kill myself.
把音乐声调大点 拜托
Turn the music up. Come on!
-弗朗西丝 -你好
- Frances. - Hello.
我本想给你倒点酒
I'd offer you some wine,
但我觉得黛安已经快喝完了
but I think Diane's already sucked most of it up.
来吧 给你倒杯酒
Come on, I'll get you a real drink.
真好笑
Yes, that's very funny.
我跟你说件事
Let me tell you something.
-好 -视力很好
- Mm-hmm. - Vision, we're good.
-视力5.0 -嗯
- The vision, 20-20 right here. - Mm.
问题是资金
The problem is the financing.
达拉斯 我昨天在便利店看见了
Hey, Dallas, I saw your ex's new lady
你前任的新女友
at the CVS yesterday.
好消息是 她真的胖了很多
Good news for you is she has really packed on the pounds.
天啊 他真是亏大了
Boy, he was mis-sold those goods.
-她怀孕五个月了 -我忘了
- She's five months pregnant. - I forgot.
说到新爱人
Speaking of new loves,
那位跟你说悄悄话的先生是谁啊
uh, who was the gentleman bending your ear over there?
那个人形长面包吗
Oh, that human loaf of bread?
那是马尔科姆
Oh, that's Malcolm.
他是尼克对冲基金的朋友
He's a hedge fund friend of Nick's.
去年丧妻了 真可怜
He lost his wife last year. Poor guy.
天啊 我不知道
Oh, gee, I didn't know.
他只跟我说了50遍
He only told me 50 fucking times.
你什么时候开始有同理心了
So when does the whole empathy thing kick in for you?
我的确冒昧
I did take the liberty of
今晚安排他坐你旁边了
seating him next to you tonight at dinner,
谁知道今夜会如何结束呢
so who knows how this evening will end?
我觉得刚结束了
I think it just did.
去他的
Fuck it.
敬马尔科姆和他去世的妻子
To Malcolm and his dead wife.
她好像叫爱丽丝
I think her name was Alice.
我们没有资金
We don't have the financing,
但是
but-- oh.
但是
But, um...
天啊
God, oh. Mm.
那
Mm. That, um--
把手指放进芝士火锅可真聪明
that smarts when you put your fingers in the fondue.
天啊 太好笑了
Oh, my God, that's so funny!
碧翠斯呢
Where's Beatrice?
现在她一般都会用她湿湿的屁♥股♥压着我的胫骨
She's usually pressing her wet ass against my shin by now.
她上周去世了
She died last week.
-真的吗 -嗯
- Really? - Mm.
她多大了
Oh. How old was she?
-24岁 -我是说 那
- 24. - Well, I mean, that's--
那对狗狗来说挺大了
that's too old for a dog.
你不问问她为什么去世了吗
Aren't you gonna ask me what she died of?
拜托别告诉我她将滴水的菊花
Please don't tell me she backed up
塞进了插座
her weeping butthole into an outlet.
不 她真的很抑郁 所以才去世
No, she was seriously depressed. That's why she died.
她接受不了家里的气氛
She couldn't handle the atmosphere in the house,
所以她用绳索把自己噎死了
so she choked herself to death with her leash.
-不是吧 -真的
- No. - She did.
她留下了一张纸条
She left a little note...
-抱歉 -说她有多么不喜欢
- Sorry. - ...saying how much she didn't like...
尼克
Nick.
你看见他胖了多少吗
Did you see how much weight he's put on?
我没有
No, I hadn't really.
他故意的
He did it on purpose.
那肯定就是为了让我恶心
It was 100% just to revolt me.
继续啊 继续吃吧 你这死胖子
Go on, keep spooning it in, you fat fuck.
看看他
Look at him.
我现在在看谁呢
Who am I looking at now?
罗伯特
Robert.
我们有一栋没人的大楼 所以
We have a big empty building, so...
天啊 他真是个
God, he's such a-- blech--
娘炮
wet pussy.
我想可以
A little toast, I think,
来敬酒
could be in order.
黛安讨厌我演讲或者说话
Diane hates it when I make a speech or talk,
所以我想着我就快点说一句
so I thought I would just quickly say
生日快乐 亲爱的
happy birthday, sweetheart.
-生日快乐 -生日快乐 黛安
- Happy birthday. - Happy birthday, Diane.
她不像50岁 对吧 亲爱的
She doesn't like 50, do you, sweetheart?
但我觉得我们都能同意
But, you know, I think we can all agree
黛安从未关注她的年龄
that Diane has never looked her age...
不幸的是 直到今年
till this year, sadly,
一切如潮水般向她涌去
when it all just kind of came crashing down on her.
这是个玩笑
It's a joke.
我在开玩笑 你们知道的
I'm joking. You know I'm joking.
她看起来很美
She looks amazing.
你看起来很美 亲爱的
You look amazing, sweetheart.
这是不生孩子的
One of the many benefits
诸多好处之一
of not bearing any children...
当然 这是你的生物学功能
which is, of course, your biological function.
还有一件事
Now, there's one more thing,
给你准备的生日惊喜
one little, uh, birthday surprise for you.
伊洛娜 天啊 真难给她买♥♥东西
Ilona! God, she is so hard to shop for.
伊洛娜 希望我买♥♥对了
Ilona! Oh, I hope I got the right thing.
伊洛娜 来吧
Ilona! Come on.
再加把劲
Put your back into it.
那是汉娜 看看那小可爱
That's Hannah. Look at that little sweetie.
抱歉 尼克先生
I'm sorry, Mr. Nick.
她很害羞 来
Ay, she's shy. Come on.
各位干杯 生日快乐 亲爱的
Cheers, everybody! Happy birthday, darling.
-干杯 -那混♥蛋♥
- Cheers! - Bastard.
她很年轻
She's very, um, youthful...
鼓舞人心
...and inspiring.
她鼓舞了我
She inspires me.
你知道你现在看起来有多下流吗
Do you know how obscene you look right now?
黛安 我在跟你说话
Diane, I'm talking to you.
你知道自己看起来有多荒唐吗
Do you know how fucking ridiculous you look?
该死 你知道什么表现得下流吗
God damn it. Do you know what makes it obscene?
你这么大一把年纪了还不知道跳舞
The fact that you don't know how to dance at your age.
别表现得像是个孩子一样
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