离婚

我正式离婚了 现在怎么做
I'm officially divorced. Now what?
前一分钟你还结着婚
It's like one minute you're married,
下一分钟就是 拜拜
the next minute, it's like, "Yeah, buh-bye.
再见了 很高兴认识你
See ya. Nice knowin' ya."
《离婚》前情提要
我成了坏人 他是好人
I'm the bad guy. He's the noble one.
我感觉我有莱拉内心贱♥人♥的唯一监护权
I got sole custody of Lila's inner bitch.
你不会那样工作吧
You're not going to work like that, are you?
弗朗西丝 这是安德鲁
Frances, I would like you to meet Andrew.
我花了许多时间专注于离婚
I spent so much time focusing on the divorce,
以至于我都没让自己考虑未来
I didn't even let myself think about the future.
这归你了 除非它
This is for you, unless it turns out
很有价值 那我收回
to have any value, then I'd like it back.
我一直画 每天
I keep painting them, and every day,
我都意识到它们就是垃圾
I keep realizing they're shit.
为了我们俩 画完一幅画吧
Finish a painting. For both of us.
我是杰姬 我女儿和我要搬来这里了
I'm Jackie. My daughter and I are moving into the neighborhood.
你怎么有特斯拉的
How do you have a Tesla?
是我女性朋友的
It's my... friend woman's.
你是说女朋友吗
You mean "Girlfriend"?
谢谢你邀请我 你真大度
Thank you for the invite. It was very big of you.
如果他开心了 我就开心了
If he's happy, I'm happy.
我也许该谢谢你
I probably should be thanking you.
-为什么 -因为你跟他离婚了
- For what? - For divorcing him.
如果你可以再画几幅 我们就可以办展览了
If you could paint a few more, we have a show.
拍卖♥♥会上的那个混♥蛋♥来了
That prick from the auction, he's here.
我能有空带你吃晚餐吗
Can I take you out for dinner sometime?
我和别人在一起了 我接受就太不礼貌了
I would feel impolite accepting when I'm here with someone else.
我现在谈恋爱还太早了
It's too soon for me to be getting involved.
我记得我的原话是
Yeah, I think my exact words were,
你是行走的灾难 我的直觉是对的
"You were a walking disaster." And my instincts were right.
斯基普·扎卡里安想代理我
Skip Zakarian wants to rep me.
这意味着我们不再会合作
This means that we won't be working together.
谢谢你的一切 我走了
Thanks for everything. I'm done here.
罗伯特和杰姬今年夏天想带孩子们去欧洲
Robert and Jackie wanna take the kids to Europe this summer.
你知道在意大利做什么会很有趣吗
You know what would be fun to do in Italy?
-买♥♥皮制品 -结婚 你愿意嫁给我吗
- Buy leather. - Get married. Will you marry me?
-大家注意 -警♥察♥来了
- Hello, hello, hello. - The police are here.
你挪用了客户的一千两百万美元吗
You embezzled 12 million dollars from your client?
黛安 我爱你 黛安
Diane, I love you, Diane!
天啊
Oh my god.
杰姬和我要结婚了
Jackie and I are getting married.
是我 行 带孩子们去意大利吧
Hey, it's me. So yeah, so take the kids to Italy.
玩得开心哦
Have fun.
汤姆 快点
Tom, hurry up!
-汤姆 -稍等
- Tom! - Yeah, one sec!
让开
Move!
到处都是水
There's water everywhere!
汤姆
Tom!
汤姆 拉浴帘 好吗
Tom, the shower curtain, okay?
天啊
Oh, God!
该死
Oh, goddammit!
听起来会比实际情况更糟
It's about to sound worse than it is.
什么
What?
我就知道太顺利了 一切还好吗
I knew it was going too well. Is everything okay?
很好 但你有前置胎盘
Everything is fine, but you have placenta previa.
不明白那是什么意思 不喜欢
Don't know what that means. Don't like it.
你的胎盘位置有点低
Your placenta's a little low.
依然不明白那是什么意思
Still don't know what that means.
依然不喜欢
Still don't like it.
小杰 宝宝会没事的
Jack, the baby will be fine,
但你得卧床休息
but you're gonna have to be on bed rest.
好吧
Oh. Okay.
很好 我还以为你会对我发脾气
Oh, good, I thought you were gonna freak out on me.
当然不会 我是说
No, of course not. I mean--
只要对宝宝有好处
whatever's best for the baby.
你不是说真的卧床休息吧
And you don't mean like actual bed rest, right?
只是不去上跆拳道班了
Just like no kickboxing classes?
卧床休息就是说你的屁♥股♥不离开床垫
Bed rest as in your ass doesn't leave the mattress.
那要持续多久
How long does that go on?
直到我说可以下床
Until I say it's okay.
好吧 那么
Oh. Okay, so...
-等等 我没法去工作吗 -不行
- Wait, like I can't go to work? - No.
-开车呢 -不行
- Drive? - No.
做♥爱♥呢
Sex?
是她问的 我有点好奇
She asked, but, you know, I'm mildly curious.
想都别想
Don't even think about it.
我们下周就要结婚了
We're supposed to get married next week.
我应该害怕吗
Should I be scared?
怕怀孕吗 不用
Of the pregnancy? No.
怕婚姻吗
Of marriage?
我的三次婚姻都一塌糊涂
All three of mine were train wrecks.
两周后见
See you in two weeks.
亲爱的 是你妈妈
Oh, hi, honey. It's your mom.
因为妈妈就这样
Um, 'cause that's what moms do,
她们会打电♥话♥
they call.
她们没收到回电时
And when they don't hear back,
就会又打 所以
they call again, so...
开玩笑的
Kidding! Um...
给我打电♥话♥哦 爱你 再见
Call me! I love you! Bye-bye.
我
I, um...
给你准备了一个藜麦罐 以后能用上
Made you a quinoa jar for later.
黛安的架子
真有爱 但我想让
Aw, that's so sweet, but I'm gonna try to get
配饰区的贱♥人♥们邀请我出去
those bitches from accessories to invite me out.
我还在努力交朋友
I'm still trying to make some friends.
这校园很乱
It's a rough schoolyard.
好吧
Oh. Okay.
我还以为你喜欢我的罐子
Thought you liked my jars.
天啊 达拉斯
Oh, my God, Dallas.
是的 我爱你的藜麦罐
I do. I love your quinoa jars
香蒜意面沙拉罐
and your pasta pesto salad jars
以及你放进罐子里的一切
and everything you put in jars.
但你得别打扰我了 好吗
But you've gotta get off my back, okay?
这一周对我来说很难熬
This is gonna be a really difficult week for me!
所以拜托 敏感点
So please be sensitive!
所以我觉得你需要营养
Well, that is why I felt you needed nurturing!
你不是我妈
You're not my mother,
你也永远不会是
and you're never going to be my mother!
我们十点就要走了
And we have to leave in ten!
穿你的厚袜子
Wear your heavy socks!
真幼稚
Childish!
所以我用扫帚把它从天花板上打下来
So I-- so I knock it off the ceiling with a broom...
它像纯种马一样在地板上奔跑
It runs across the floor like a thoroughbred,
我把它围在了角落 但是我不小心把扫帚掉了
so I corner it, right, but then I accidentally drop the broom.
它感受到了我的虚弱和脆弱
And sensing my-my-my weakness, my vulnerability,
这小混♥蛋♥开始追我了
the little fucker started chasing me!
是的 然后
Yeah, and then...
然后它开始飞了
Then it started flying!
我真的能听到它恶心的翅膀
I could literally hear its disgusting wings,
拍打着 飞过我身边
like, flapping past me.
天啊 简直是侏罗纪公园
Oh, my God! It's Jurassic Park!
天啊 莱拉在尖叫 汤姆在笑我
God, Lila's screaming, Tom's laughing at me,
但我最后用真空吸尘器把它吸走了
but I finally, I was able to suck it up with my DustBuster.
然后我聪明地用包装胶带封住了洞口
And then cleverly, I sealed the opening with packing tape.
我跟你说了别搬去那里
I told you not to move into that place.
不 我记得你说的是
Uh, ooh, no, I believe the quote was,
去吧 妹子
"You go, girl!"
我不记得了
Hmm, I don't remember that.
总之 无所谓了
Well, anyway, it doesn't matter.
搬家挺好的 大家都需要改变
The move was good. Everybody needed a change.