重造历史（2017）

for your sick, old-timey fight club.
如果记者发现了真♥相♥
If this reporter finds out the truth,
后果不堪设想
there is no telling what could happen to us.
你得解决此事
You need to fix this.
克里斯
Chris.
我不会去杀记者的
I will not kill a reporter.
什么
What?
不是 别让她报道就行了
No, just kill the story.
《点评报》的莫娜来啦
It's Mona from the newspaper.
听说你们能给我的报道添点料
You said that you guys had information for my story?
是的 实际上
Yes, actually,
我们确实要告诉你个关于报道的消息
we do have new information about the story.
那就是你不用报道了
We think you should not do it.
是的 十分荣幸能认识你
Yes, it was grand meeting you,
下次买♥♥冰淇淋给你打九折哟
and ten percent off your next cone purchase.
好吧
Okay.
我还有个问题
You know, I just have one more question.
你们认识这俩人吗
Do you happen to know these men?
不认识
No, I...
我从没见过这俩「女人」
I've never seen these women in my life.
是的 没一丁点印象
No, doesn't ring a bell.
真的吗
Really?
因为 他们买♥♥下了这家店
Because...they bought this building.
而且是现金
Cash.
合同上签着他们的名字
And they signed their names
「约翰·汉考克」和「萨姆·亚当斯」
"John Hancock" And "Sam Adams."
太荒唐了
That's so odd
谁都知道「萨姆·亚当斯」和「约翰·汉考克」
because Sam Adams and John Hancock are...
是殖民时期的名人
they're famous men from Colonial times,
现在都2017年了
and this is 2017,
所以那绝对是假名
so that... those must be fake names.
显而易见
Obviously.
但他们为什么不想暴露真名呢
But why wouldn't they want anyone to know their real names?
行了
Okay.
来做个交易
Here's the deal.
这两个胖「女人」是联调局探员
Those two fat women are federal agents,
-而我们俩是受保护的证人 -什么
- and we are in the Witness Protection Program. - What?
-他们把我们安置在这里... -卖♥♥冰淇淋
- And they put us here... - To sell ice cream.
因为我们目击了很多起黑帮谋杀案
To sell ice cream because we saw the mob do a lot of murders.
阿尔·卡彭
Al Capone.
是的 叫哈尔的黑帮头头 哈尔·卡彭
Yes, Hal Capo... Hal Capone.
所以他们把我们送到这里
And that's why they set us up here.u202d
所以你们是受政♥府♥保护...
u202dOkay. So you're federally protected witnesses who...
却主动要求上报纸的目击证人
asked to be in the newspaper?
我们才刚开始受保护
It's our first week in the program.
是的 我们表现太差劲了
Yeah, and we-we're so bad at it.
我们总是说漏嘴
We keep on telling people who we are.
但很显然 如果你报道了我们的事
But obviously, if you were to print the story,
你就会害死我们
our murder would be on your hands.
所以最好还是写点别的东西
So maybe just find another thing to write about,
-比如凉亭什么的 -没错
- like a gazebo or something. - Yeah.
多谢你们浪费我这么多时间
Thank you for wasting a lot of my time.
-不客气 -不客气
- You're welcome. - You're welcome.
-感谢理解 -天呐 她真善解人意
- Thank you for understanding. - My God. She's so nice.
我的小命都攥在你手里了 克里斯
My life is completely in your hands, Chris.
我快吓尿了
I'm totally freaking.
用不着担心 哥们
No need to worry, bud,
我保证你会毫发无损
I'll make sure nothing happens to you.
我太爱梅勒妮了
I just love Melanie so much.
你都在1775年有老婆了
You do have a wife in 1775.
-不要在意这些细节 -他们在那里
- Be cool, man. - There they are.
我要像警♥匪♥片里那样 紧挨着他们停车
I'm gonna pull up right next to them like in a cop show.
驾驶员之间上演巅峰对决
Driver side to driver side,
一部刻画巴尔的摩贩毒集团与警界较量的黑色剧集
就像《火线》里的麦克纳提一样
like McNulty in The Wire.
-很精彩 -他们来了
- Good show. - Here they are.
丹 你的冰淇淋流到胳膊上了
Dan, your ice cream's running down your arm!
暴殄天物啊
You're wasting it!
你的舌头弄痒我了
Your tongue is so rough.
快 和我换下位置
Quick, switch seats with me.
克里斯 这不过是个小划痕
Chris, this is just a tiny scratch
抛下光就看不见了
that'll buff right out.
确实「伤」到你了
I really clocked you.
我生活中就只剩这辆车没被你们毁掉了
This car is the one thing I have that you guys didn't ruin. u202d
-你淡定一点 -什么
- You need to relax. - What? u202d
我穿越回去 给你带一辆新车不就得了
I'll just go to the past and get you a new car.
时光机里装不下汽车 你傻吗
A car won't fit in the bag, you moron.
克里斯 蹭了车 是你和丹之间的事
Chris, the car is between you and Dan.
我们还是来重新讲和决斗之事吧
Perhaps we could get back to renegotiating the duel,
这才是我们来此地的最初目的
which is why we're here in the first place.
对了 没错
Right, right.
你们毁了我的公♥寓♥ 还逼我喝过尿
You guys just destroyed my apartment and made me drink pee.
不是吧 有完没完了
God, this again?
我清楚地记得
I clearly remember saying,
你喝之前 提醒你「克里斯 那是尿」
"Chris, that's pee," before you drank it.
但你没听进去
But you didn't hear him
因为你早已贪婪地汲取那液体
because you were already greedily chugging away,
让尿液浸没你的笑容
pee-soaked grin on your face.
你经受了什么
Did something happen to you
让你一直提起喝尿的那段时光
that you keep bringing up that time you drank pee?
我受够了 我恨你们
You know what? I hate you all!
决斗继续
The duel is on!
克里斯 别耍小孩脾气了
Chris, don't be nasty.
克里斯 别闹了
Chris, come on!
别生气了 克里斯
Don't be nasty, Chris.
很好
Good.
「一切都在我预料之内」
This hasn't gone farther than I anticipated.
克里斯 我们得做点什么
Chris, Chris, we got to do something.
他们要是射中对方
If they shoot each other, they could, like,
可能会毁掉内战历史啊
screw up the Civil War or something.
等等 别走 兄弟 你甚至...
Wha...What, come on, man, you didn't even...
我错了 行吗
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
我打发走那个记者了
I got rid of the reporter.
让我们往事随风 重新开始吧
Let's just, let's just start fresh, clean slate.
我是塞缪尔·亚当斯
I'm Samuel Adams.
你们是谁 我在哪儿
Who are you guys? Where am I?
你把我的马弄哪儿去了
What'd you do with my horse?
别装了 你们得吸取教训
No, you need to learn a lesson.
他们在为了争夺我而决斗吗
So, they're fighting over me?
抱歉把你扯进如此野蛮 性别歧视的旧时仪式
I'm so sorry to involve you in such a barbaric, sexist ritual.
他们非常守旧
They're old-fashioned.
没关系 对我来说这也是很大进展
It's fine. It's a step up for me.
-我最近甚至开始和「秃顶男人」约会 -天啊
- Recently, I even started dating bald guys. - No.
还有什么要说的吗 先生们
Any last words, gentlemen?
-我为「女神」而战 -阿门
- I did it all for the nookie. - Amen.
背靠背
Back-to-back.
一 二 三 四 五 六
One-ly, two, threebie, thorn, flive, six.
丹尼尔 丹尼尔
Daniel! Daniel!
我中枪了
I've been shot.
不过是彩弹球罢了
They're paintballs.
我怎么会让他们用真枪
I wasn't gonna let 'em use real guns.
只是想让你们吸取教训而已
Just wanted to teach you all a lesson.
什么「教训」呢
And what would that lesson be?
就是你们的行为都有后果
That your actions have consequences!
惊天大反转
Here's a cool twist.
我们在背地里互相原谅了
We secretly forgave each other.
我们陪你演完这一切 是为了让你们吸取教训
We only went through with all of this to teach you a lesson.
爱能战胜一切
Love conquers all.
这就是你们的教训吗
That's your lesson?
尽管不明显 但还是蕴含其中
It's subtle but it's in there.
你们的吵嘴 比我们的还要愚蠢
Your fight was even dumber than ours.