十字剑

我们需要志愿者 我选马克
We need a volunteer. I vote Mark.
什么 -哥们 拜托 你根本没女朋友
What? ‐ Buddy, come on. There is no girlfriend.
什么... 格伦 多琳
Wha... Glenn, Doreen.
告诉他们我是谁
Tell them who I am.
真是马克的作风 -不愧是你
Yep. Classic Mark. ‐ That's our boy.
好吧 没见过这么差劲的演技了
Okay, well that's the worst acting I've ever seen.
你们这对小情侣总是承诺要自尽
You adorable lovebirds are always promising to kill yourselves.
现在正是你们大放异彩的时刻
Now's your time to shine!
我不知道...
I... I don't know...
自杀 自杀
Kill yourself! Kill yourself!
自杀
Kill yourself!
我们要一起吗...
Should we both...
我很愿意
Oh, I would,
但我爸说这周末需要人帮忙打扫院子
but father says he needs help with the yard this weekend.
好吧 那就我自己去了
Right. Just me then.
好吧 我去了 永别了
Well, I'm off. Farewell.
我去了 我要过去了
I'm going. I'm doing it.
这是我死前你们最后一次见到我了
This is the last time to see me before I die.
我为你湿透了 宝贝
I'm so wet, baby!
我们还是分手吧 -什么
I think we should break up. ‐ What?!
是的 你说你会为我牺牲 但你...
Yeah. Um, you said you'd die for me, and then you...
但你没有 所以激♥情♥褪去了
didn't. The spark is gone.
我的天啊 它还有朋友
Sweet Jesus. It has friends!
我们是在谈恋爱还是在互相促进 因为...
Were we in love or just enabling each other? Because...
它们在干什么 -不会是...
What are they doing? ‐ Oh, they're not...
它们在...
Are they...
围成一圈对着尸体自♥慰♥
Circle jerking onto the dead bodies?
看起来就是这么一回事
' Cause I tell you what, it looks like it.
它们会被死人激起性♥欲♥
They're aroused by death!
是有这种事 -谁在乎啊
It's a thing. ‐ Who cares if it's a thing?!
快跑
Run!
天啊 我给他们看加里的断头
Oh man, this is gonna be the best "I told you so" of all time
将是史上最棒的"我早说了"时刻
when I show them Gary's severed head.
"帕特里克 我们错了 真抱歉我们竟想
"Ooh, we were wrong, Patrick. Sorry we tried to teach you
教你这些没用的东西 帕特里克"
stupid bullshit, Patrick."
我这是在干什么
Ah. What am I doing?
加里死了 我得警告其他人
Gary is dead, and I need to warn the others.
不过话说回来 我都扔15块石头了
On the other hand, I'm 15 rocks deep.
一不做...
In for a penny...[in for a pound.]
图丽普 我们要死在这儿了
We're gonna die out here, Tulip.
我们的感情终于害死了我们
Our relationship finally killed us.
答应我件事 宝贝
Promise me something, baby.
如果我们能活着逃出去 就离婚吧
If we make it out of this alive, let's get divorced.
如果这就是结束
If this is the end,
很抱歉我对你说的最后一句话是
I'm sorry that the last thing I said to you
我们离婚吧
was that we should get divorced.
既然要死了
As long as we're going to die,
让我们做一次好夫妻吧
let's be a good couple for once.
我受够了把王位放在第一位了
I'm done putting my crown first.
同意
Agreed.
我们把婚姻放在第一位 然后它救了我们的命
We put our marriage first, and it saved our lives!
我们来让它死个痛快吧
Shall we finish the job?
天啊...
Oh god...
帕特里克来了
Patrick's here!
各位 我们儿子是个侍卫
Everyone, our son is a squire!
他是来救我们的 -什么
He's here to save us! - What?
真是个小废物
What a little bitch baby.
看起来不太妙
The optics are not great.
今天是约会之夜 所以我跟水管工改到下周了
It's date night, so I rescheduled the plumber for next week.
谢谢你考虑这么周到
Thank you for being proactive.
我注意到了 并且很感激你
I see and appreciate it.
你的乐队排练得怎样
How was mariachi practice?
非常好 谢谢你 亲爱的
Muy bueno. Gracias, mi amor.
那是什么鬼
What the hell was that?
谢谢 外面简直是一片血腥
Oh, thank you! It's a killing field out there.
爸妈 马克
Mom? Dad? Mark?
他妈的终于有人认识我了
Fucking finally!
那些猴子像割夏小麦一样屠♥杀♥我们
Those monkeys are cutting us down like ripe summer wheat!
集结军队 发起反击啊
Gather the troops and counterattack!
哪有军队 就只有我
There are no troops. There's just me.
其他侍卫正忙着互相编辫子
The other squires are too busy braiding each other's hair.
你是说那些侍卫
You mean those squires?
侍卫准备好
Squires ready?
他这些表面功夫原来是有深意的
He was going somewhere with all that surface‐level shit.
天啊 他们看起来帅呆了
Man, they look awesome!
我让自尊心妨碍了我 像个讨厌的万事通
I let my ego get in the way like a little know‐it‐all prick.
现在我被困在这里 他们在外面杀敌
Now I'm in here, and they're out there.
去他的
Oh, hell no!
是时候用上斯泰尔斯的方法了
Time to get on board with the Styles method.
修饰脸型
Frame the face!
给自己补光
Find your fill light!
头发是灵魂的窗口
Hair is the window to the soul.
滚开 滚开
Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off!
侍卫小子们来了
Ha ha, the boys in blue are here!
看 那个要被吃掉了
Look! That one's about to get eaten!
宝贝 我问你点事
Babe, let me ask you something.
你是想一辈子循规蹈矩
Do you wanna play it safe,
还是想成为他妈的传奇
or do you wanna be a fucking legend?
操 这些东西没弱点的吗
Fuck! Do these things have any weaknesses?
给我点信息
Give me some info!
它们很暴♥力♥ 还很好色
Uh, they're violent! And horny?
顺序分先后
In that order!
这是什么意思
What do you mean "in that order"?
既然没人说 那就我说吧
Well, no one's gonna say it. Let me be the first.
这些猴子会对着尸体自♥慰♥
The monkeys jack off on corpses.
让开
Outta the way!
杀猴子快车来了
Here comes the minchacha express!
等下 看看我
Wait! Look at me!
我感觉不太舒服
I'm not feeling so good!
我的心脏 病得很厉害
My heart! This is the big one!
闭紧嘴巴 孩子
Keep your mouth closed, boy!
太好了
Ah, yes!
传奇
Legends.
儿子 躺着别动 我看能不能给你找根水管
Just stay there, son. I'll see if I can find you a hose.
我参加夫妻心理咨♥询♥是不是迟到了
Am I late for couples' counseling?
卡洛尔 你总是这样
Coral, you do this every time.
原来这就是马克
That's Mark!
是啊 我跟你们女儿都在一起一年半了
Uh, yeah. I've been dating your daughter for 18 months.
我还去过你们家玩桌游 你全都错过了
I played board games at your house. You missed everything!
别再把我圈在你朝九晚五的世界里了
Stop trying to pen me up in your 9‐to‐5 world!
我在找肚子里藏了宝箱的鲨鱼
I had a whole shark thing with a treasure chest.
这种事怎能用时间衡量
You can't put a clock on that!
那些孩子还有好多要学的
Those kids have so much to learn.
你记得我教的课
You remembered the lessons.
而且真的做到了舍己为人
And really took one for the team.
实际上牺牲了好几次
Actually, you took several for the team!
这样被颜♥射♥真不错
Way to carry the load!
猴子对着你的脸高♥潮♥了
Monkeys came on your face.
干得漂亮 帕特里克
You did good, Patrick.
你记得我的名字了
You remembered my name.
因为你的头发 我不知道猴子的精♥液♥里
It's the hair! I don't know what kind of essential proteins
是有什么必需蛋白质 不过...
those monkeys were packing in their balls, but...
孩子 你的头发非常茂密
you're sporting one luscious mane, my boy.
原来如此啊
Oh, you know what?
这地图上有个印刷错误
There's a printing error on this map.
抱抱猴岛在大老远的那边呢
Cuddly Monkey Island is way the hell over there!
这个岛上画了个骷髅头和十字骨
This island's got a skull and crossbones on it.
看着好像有淫♥水♥从十字骨中射出来
It looks like there's jizz shooting out of the crossbones.
这画得真的太色情了
This is a really graphic drawing.
哪个商业地图出版商会在产品里加入这种东西
What commercial mapmaker would include this on their product?