十字剑

♪ 我是个3.2分 ♪
♪ I'm a 3.2! ♪
他们竟然真的搞了这个比赛
I can't believe they're actually going through with this.
我得努力阻止他们
I have to try and get them to stop.
♪ 真爱转瞬即逝 所以我们在比赛 ♪
♪ True love is fleeting, that's why we're competing ♪
♪ 成为下个王后 然后我们将一夜暴富 ♪
♪ To be the next queen, we'll be rolling in green ♪
♪ 我们想要 ♪
♪ We want ♪
♪ 钱钱钱钱... ♪
♪ Money, money, money, money, money, money... ♪
她们会吸干我的血的
They're gonna bleed me dry.
她有点性感啊 闪闪的裙子...
Oh. She's hot. Sparkly dress...
♪ 钱钱钱 ♪
♪ Money, money, money, money! ♪
她们的父母一定很骄傲
Their parents must be very proud!
让我们为她们边走路边唱歌♥鼓掌
Let's give them all a hand for singing while walking!
你得停下这个比赛
You have to stop this.
这太扯淡了
This is insane.
帕特里克 你说得对 太扯淡了
Oh, you're right, Patrick. Absolutely insane.
这里面有23摄氏度
It's 74 degrees in here!
她们的奶头根本不会激凸
Those nipples are never gonna pop!
大家搞点冰快 我需要冰块
Ice, people! I need ice!
这里的所有人都他妈没有心
Everyone here is fucking heartless.
你应该只为你自己参加这次选美比赛
The only reason you should be in this pageant is for yourself.
你们都是女王 不用做这些来讨好一个国王
You're all queens who don't need to do any of this to impress a king!
现在 转身弯腰
Now, turn around and bend over
让我给你们的屁♥眼♥漂白脱毛
so I can bleach and wax your assholes!
我嗑嗨了 以为这会很好玩
I'm super high and thought this would be funny.
到目前为止 有趣程度是10分满分
So far, 10 out of 10 hilarious.
你为什么参加
Why are you here?
因为我真的很漂亮 对吧
I'm just really pretty, right?
抱歉 我迟到了
Sorry I'm late.
你是花花的某个侍女
You're one of Blossom's ladies‐in‐waiting.
她知道你来参加吗
Does she know you're here?
当然了
Sure!
艾薇 -到
Ivy. ‐ Here!
人盾
Human Shield.
费恩
Fern.
在呢
Present!
费恩 跟正常人一样说"到"就好了
Fern, just say "here" like a normal person,
你这做作的讨厌鬼
you pretentious twat!
给花花工作就像被墨西哥辣椒后入
Working for Blossom is like getting ass‐fucked with a jalapeno!
但如果我是王后 我就能这样对别人了
But if I'm queen, it will be my jalapeno doing the ass‐fucking!
无言以对
That's hard to respond to.
抱歉
Oh, sorry.
妈 你怎么在这
Mom?! What are you doing here?
你♥爸♥想看我当众穿泳衣
Your father wants to see me in a swimsuit in front of a crowd.
这是他的新癖好 去年是
It's his new thing. Last year,
看我拿着三根香蕉跳色情舞
it was watching me do an erotic dance while holding three bananas!
这个姿势让我想起你♥爸♥的另一个癖好
This position reminds me of another thing your father's into!
妈 别说这么恶心的事了
Mom, stop being gross!
不要性癖羞辱 宝贝
Don't kink shame, honey!
别这样 陛下 开心点
Oh, come on, sir, cheer up.
我们都很想念那谁王后...
We all miss Queen What's‐Her‐Face...
图丽普 -对 多洛普王后
Tulip! ‐ Right, Queen Dollop.
但看看周围吧 你让每个男人都嫉妒
But, look around. You're the envy of every man
每个女人都渴望得到你
and the desire of every woman.
你说什么都不能让我开心
Nothing you say can cheer me up.
现在 每个男人的终极幻想
And now, every man's fantasy.
女人在融化马蹄做的粘液里滑来滑去
Women slithering around in goo made from melted‐down horse hooves!
粘胶摔跤开始
Let the gelatin wrestling begin!
我总有心情看这个
There's always room for gelatin.
跟朋友一起看 似乎更色情了
It's somehow more erotic watching with a friend.
我一定得想办法让您醒过来
I've gotta find a way to help you out of this,
但有什么办法呢 -到底怎么办呢
but how? ‐ How indeed!
什么鬼 你是谁
What the fuck! Who are you?
布拉米什爵士为您效劳
Sir Blemish, at your service!
如果你要清空便盆或吸取教训
If you need a bedpan emptied or a lesson learned,
找我就对了
I'm your man.
等下 你是个骑士
Wait, you're a knight?
没错 -但 你...
I sure am! ‐ But, you're...
深陷在人们的尿液中 我曾是个顶级的骑士
Elbow‐deep in people juice? I used to be a top‐ranking knight
直到那年玩秘密圣诞老人 我抽到国王
until the year I drew the king for Secret Santa.
我想不到合适的礼物 我慌了
I couldn't think of the right gift, panicked,
把一堆纱线塞进纸袋里送给他了
and shoved a bunch of yarn into a paper bag.
我当场就被降职了
I was demoted on the spot.
这就是为什么礼物就该是秘密的
That's why the gift is supposed to be secret.
我现在懂了 总之 前一天你还春风得意
I know that now. Anyway, one day, you're on top of the world,
下一秒 你就成了喝尿的骑师
and the next, you're a piss jockey.
但这就是骑士的人生
But, that's the life of a knight!
好吧 我要唤醒图丽普王后 不管要多久
Well, I'm going to wake up Queen Tulip, no matter how long it takes.
根据皇室规定 如果新王后被加冕了
Well, according to royal rule, if a new queen is crowned,
图丽普就会变回平民图丽普·安德森
Tulip will go back to being Tulip Anderson,
然后做些大部分前王后会做的事
and she'll do what most former queens do.
加入不断升级的传销 卖♥♥化妆品给她朋友
Sell makeup to her friends in an escalating pyramid scheme
直到她疏远了所有关心她的人
until she alienates everyone who's ever cared about her.
我不会允许这种事发生 我保证
I won't let that happen. I promise.
我来帮忙 等我先喝完这个
I'll help! I just gotta empty this first.
我的天啊
Oh, hell no!
打扰下 我们在找女性主题的
Excuse me? We're looking for medical books
医学书籍 最好有很多图片
focused on women, preferably with a lot of pictures.
为什么
Why?
我们想让王后从昏迷中醒过来
Well, we're trying to wake the queen up from her coma.
"昏迷中的女性"
Women In Comas.
第23排
Aisle 23.
为什么会有这么多关于昏迷的女人的童话
Why are so many fairy tales about unconscious women?
梦想成真了
Wish fulfillment!
这本好像很有趣
This one looks interesting!
不是你想的那样
That's not what you think it is.
我好像知道该怎么办了
I think I know what to do!
这本书只是讲豌豆的
This is just about a legume!
pea"与"pee"谐音 他以为是尿液]
真恶心
How disgusting!
你确定你知道该怎么办吗
Are‐are you sure you know what to do?
我是个英俊的王子
I'm a dashing prince.
我的工作就是唤醒睡梦中的美人
It's my job to wake up sleeping beauties.
我尊敬你 我非常希望你能自己醒来
I respect you. I would very much like it if you woke up on your own time.
我尊重你的界限
I honor your boundaries.
现在 大家给她点空间 最后一步了
Now everyone, give her some space! That's the final step.
你不是应该亲她吗
Aren't you supposed to kiss her?
亲一个昏迷中的女人
Kiss an unconscious woman?
我不会再上这个当了
I'm not falling for that one again.
再见
Harrumph!
我们没法让她醒来
We can't bring her out of her coma,
但如果你需要 我们能提供
but we can offer an around‐the‐clock
全天候七重安全系统
seven‐pronged security system if you like.
你们来这里了 那谁在守护白雪公主
If you're here, who's guarding Snow White?
别担心 她躺在玻璃箱里很安全
Oh, don't worry about it. She's safe in her secure glass case.
她应该会没事吧
I mean, she's probably fine, right?
我是来让你们的王后陷入昏迷的
I'm here to put your queen into a coma!
她已经昏迷了
She's already in a coma!
我真是太棒了
Damn, I'm good!
干得漂亮 埃塞尔
Nice job, Ethel!
我的天
Oh my god!
这只是我演的
That's just a bit I do.
你真有趣 那你喜欢尿吗
You're funny. So, do you like piss?
什么...
Wha...
她刚倒下了
She just went down unda!
这是有着奇特才能的费恩
That was Fern with a very weird talent.
下一位选手的奇特才能是
Our next contestant has another weird talent called
蒙古呼麦唱法
Mongolian throat singing!
我不知道这是什么 但我喜欢这个词
I don't know what that is, but I like the word throat.
我是特里娜 如果我赢了
I'm Trina, and if I win,
我要用奖金去上大学
I'm gonna use the money to go to college!
太美了