十字剑

十字剑
第二季 第 1 集
"娶我" "干一整晚"
"MARRY ME" "DO ME AALLL KNIGHT"
"库特尔爵士后入我" "我爱你"
"SIR KUTTER CAN DO ME UP THE BUTT-ER" "LOVE ME"
给帕特里克一个笑脸
Happy face to Patrick
褒奖他保护皇室免遭暗♥杀♥
for saving the Royal Family from assassination.
谢谢您
Thank you?
给唐娜一个哭脸 因为她没能跳进护城河
Frowny face to Donna for missing the moat.
给梅里曼国王一个笑脸 我还是国王
Happy face to King Merriman! I'm still king!
这样好多了
That's better.
梅里曼 城♥堡♥被毁了 我们还破产了
Merriman, the castle is ruined, and we are broke!
但是 图丽普 我们还活着呀
But, Tulip, we're alive!
我宁愿死掉也不要变穷
I'd rather be dead than poor.
我也是
Well, me too,
但你不该把这种话大声说出来
but that's one of those things you're not supposed to say out loud
否则会显得你真的很混♥蛋♥
because it makes you sound like a real asshole.
也许现在不该提起兰迪国王过得有多好
Maybe it's not the time to bring up how well King Randy is doing,
但看看兰迪国王过得多好
but look how well King Randy is doing!
这又不是比谁鸡鸡长 兰迪
This isn't a dick-measuring contest, Randy!
好消息 有传言说 他在女巫审判中像女同一样被绞死了
Good thing. Rumor has it, he's hung like a lesbian at a witch trial,
而且她还是一匹马
who's also a horse.
绞死得好
Yeah, that's pretty hung.
给兰迪一个笑脸
Happy face for Randy.
帕特里克 你是个英雄
Patrick, you're a hero!
你最好赶紧把肩膀扫干净
You better brush those shoulders off, girl.
你真觉得我会被封为骑士吗
Really? You think I'm about to be knighted?
不好说 但你身上真的有只小蝎子
Maybe! Maybe not. But there's definitely a baby scorpion on you.
给我下去
Get it off! Get it off!
骑士们回来了
The knights are returning!
这些家伙肯定能把到妹
These guys fuck for sure.
如果我不是直男...
If I weren't straight...
或者只要他们开口...
Or if they even... even asked...
帕特里克
Patrick! Patrick! Patrick!
娶我吧 帕特里克 我爱你
Marry me, Patrick, I love you!
我要给你生孩子 -帕特里克 给我的奶♥子♥签名吧
I wanna have your baby! - Patrick, sign my tits!
我阅女无数
I've had sex.
我们听说王国有危险就立刻赶来了
We set off as soon as we heard the kingdom was in danger,
但我们似乎来晚了
but it appears we arrived too late.
城♥堡♥变得千疮百孔 但幸好
The castle's pretty jacked up but luckily,
这个侍卫救了我们所有人的命
this squire saved us all from certain death.
他真的是史上最了不起的侍卫
He is truly the greatest squire who ever lived.
不错 所以刺客死了吗
Great! So, the assassin's dead?
没 她逃跑了
No, she got away.
但王国的秘密仍然安全
But the kingdom's secrets are safe.
不 她都知道了
No, she got 'em all.
她偷走了
Stole them, eh?
不 被人拱手让出了
No, they were freely given.
是哪个叛徒
By which traitor?!
其实是帕特里克
Actually, by Patrick,
史上最了不起的侍卫...
the greatest squire who ever lived...
全体起来 现在审判王国
All rise for the case of the Kingdom
对叛徒侍卫帕特里克一案
versus Patrick, the traitor squire!
为了逃避陪审团义务 我说我对侍卫有偏见
I told them I was prejudiced against squires to try to get out of this,
但没成功 我现在真的讨厌侍卫了
and I'm still here. Now, I just hate squires for real!
帕特里克 你被指控犯有阴谋叛国罪
Patrick, you're accused of conspiracy to commit treason.
据称你和一个和你上♥床♥的刺客
Now, they say that you shared the king's secrets
分享了国王的秘密
with an assassin you went to bed with!
但这说不通 你不是
But, that doesn't add up. Isn't it true
都没跟她做全套吗
you didn't even close the deal with her?
是的 但你要是不当众说出来就好了
Yes, but I wish you hadn't said that on the record,
所有人都在 甚至还有我爸妈
in front of everyone, including my parents.
这小子从未完成过任何事
The boy never finishes anything.
等下 如果他被处决了 我能得到他的财产吗
So wait, if he gets executed, can I have his stuff?
那他的确犯罪了
Then he did it.
我不怎么喜欢他
Not a fan.
拜托 我跟你说 他没犯罪
Oh, come on! He didn't do it, I'm telling ya!
梅里曼国王是个顶天立地的男人
King Merriman's a stand-up guy!
我们在说你弟弟帕特里克
We're discussing your brother Patrick.
被审判的是他
He's the one on trial.
什么 是帕特里克
What, Patrick?
我跟那家伙完全不熟
Nah, I barely know that guy.
他是我最好的朋友
He is my best friend.
他绝不会泄密 或把妹失败
He'd never give away secrets, or fail to close the deal.
他是个模范侍卫 我愿为他赴汤蹈火
He's a model squire, and I would do anything for him.
甚至包括做假证
Including lie on the witness stand!
而现在 王国的一半面♥积♥都被毁了
And now, my kingdom's half destroyed.
我们得找个替罪羊来背锅
We need to find a scapegoat to pin this on.
这样一切都解决了 我们都能早点回家
That'll fix everything and we can all go home early.
我们中大部分人吧
Well, almost all of us.
听到了吗 我可以早点回家了
Hear that? I'm going home early.
你指望我们相信 一个年轻人
You expect us to believe a young man
与一位美女在床上过了一夜
spent the night in bed with a beautiful woman,
却都没有尝试跟她做全套
and didn't even try to go all the way?
我们大多数时间只是看着对方的眼睛 聊天
We mostly just stared into each other's eyes and talked.
某种意义上说 这样还更加亲密
In a way, it was more intimate.
天哪 我的法槌呢
Oh god, where's my gavel?
陪审团现在将进行讨论
The jury will now be sequestered.
陪审团已作出裁决
And we got a verdict.
情况看起来不妙 -再看看吧
This looks bad. - Let it play out.
还有六个陪审员呢
Still six more jurors.
该死 至少眨眼表情减轻了打击 真时髦
Damn it! At least the winky face softened the blow. So sassy.
好了 裁决如下 你被判犯有叛国罪
Okay, here's what I got. You're found guilty of treason,
破坏财产罪 以及未能做全套罪 娘炮
destruction of property, and not being able to close the deal, pussy.
特此命令你转动"惩罚之轮"
You are hereby ordered to spin the Wheel of Retribution.
♪ 大家伙儿聚集起来 ♪
Now, gather 'round, guys and gals ♪
♪ 该转动惩罚之轮了 ♪
♪ It's the Wheel of Retribution ♪
♪ 他会抽到打手腕 ♪
♪ Will he get a slap on the wrist ♪
♪ 还是公开处决呢 ♪
♪ Or a public execution? ♪
这首歌♥是我最爱的部分 请继续唱
That song is my favorite part. Please, keep going.
♪ 这非常的公平公正 而且超级有趣 ♪
♪ It's incredibly just, amazingly fair, and also so much fun ♪
♪ 惩罚之轮给所有人都带来欢乐 ♪
♪ The Wheel of Retribution is a joy to everyone! ♪
我可不喜欢
Not for me.
而且它之所以格外有趣
And what makes it extra amusing
是因为其中一个惩罚是"小玩笑"
is that one of the punishments is the, quote, "silly one".
哪个是小玩笑
Uh, which one is the silly one?
帕特里克 给我们赢一艘船回来
Win us a boat, Patrick!
别傻了 格伦
Don't be ridiculous, Glenn.
赢现金吧 帕特里克
Take the cash, Patrick!
看来我要用屁♥股♥灌一加仑牛奶了
Looks like I'm butt chugging a gallon of milk.
你瞎了 哥们
You're blind, dude.
要说也是离"被老鼠啃脸"更近
If anything, it's closer to "face eaten by rats".
布罗斯 你♥他♥妈♥闭嘴吧
Shut the fuck up, Broth.
要不你两个都做吧
You know what? I'm gonna give you both.
但这不公平
But that's not fair.
我的天 请为法庭朗读笔录
Oh god. Please read back the transcript for the court.
"这非常的公平公正 而且超级有趣
"It's incredibly just, amazingly fair, and also so much fun.
'惩罚之轮'给所有人都带来欢乐"
The Wheel of Retribution is a joy to everyone."
好的 笔录有效 把啃脸老鼠拿上来
Okay, sustained. Fetch the face rats!
也没那么糟
It's not so bad.
都等等
Hold everything!
四级彩虹警报
Stage four rainbow alert!
好吧...
Okay...
陛下 有时我觉得
Your Majesty, sometimes I think
上帝一定存在 既然有这么奇妙的...
God must exist if something as wondrous...
谁他妈在乎
Ah, who gives a fuck?
我们需要彩虹尽头的精灵的金子
We need the leprechaun gold at the end of that rainbow,
否则我们破产的王国就要被人占领了
or else our broke-ass kingdom is gonna get conquered!
说不定还是大鸡鸡的兰迪
Maybe by big-dick Randy!
我们每次去追逐彩虹
Every time we go on a wild rainbow chase,
都没找到过金子
there's never any gold.
这不过是个愚蠢的神话
It is nothing but a silly little myth.