十字剑

For the entrance fee. Now, go.
卡洛尔 你还在这儿呢
Coral! Oh, you're still here!
我好像... 我好像输了
I think I... I think I lost.
我的热狗 我的热狗
Oh, my dogs! My dogs!
重新制定计划
Back to the drawing board.
帕特里克 秉持着同志婚礼的精神...
Patrick, in the spirit of this gay wedding...
我要说你看起来超辣 姐妹
you look a hot mess, girl.
我昨晚根本没睡
I didn't get any sleep last night.
我哥想毁了这场婚礼 我们得保持警惕
My brother is trying to ruin the wedding. We have to keep a lookout.
不用多说 我去外面守着
Say no more. I'll keep watch outside,
确保他不能进来这个金字塔
and we'll make sure he doesn't get into this pyramid.
过得怎样 鲁本
Sup, Ruben?
利亚姆 主持完这场婚礼
Well, Liam, after this wedding,
你就能带着30年的完美记录退休了
you'll retire with a perfect 30‐year record.
然后我要喝掉这瓶第一次主持婚礼时
And then, you'll drink this bottle of port that you were gifted
收到的波特酒
when you officiated your very first wedding!
现在 该活动活动嘴了
And now, to warm up the old vocal cords.
八百标兵奔北坡...
A big black bug bit a big black...
又是你
You again?
别挡我的路
Stay out of my way,
你这个人型碰碰车 天啊
you human bumper car! God!
花花 这是小安东尼王子
Blossom, this is Prince Anthony Junior,
你未来的丈夫
your future husband.
你就是那个白♥痴♥王子
You're the butt‐pimple prince?
我是AJ 床垫大王的儿子
I'm AJ, the Mattress King's son.
我总躺在沙发床上
I'm mostly in sofa beds.
你可以叫我"拉风王子"
You can call me the Pull‐Out Prince.
好吧
Okay.
你挺搞笑的 这我承认
Well, you're funny. I'll give you that.
拉米国王坚持要你们一家
King Rami insists that your family
在举♥行♥仪式时坐在前排
sit up front during the ceremony.
拉米 你是我谈过最有钱的男人
Rami, this is the richest relationship I've ever been in.
不对
No, no.
你让我有安全感... 在经济上
You make me feel secure... financially.
糟透了
Terrible!
希望你没和其他男人上♥床♥
I wish you wouldn't have sex with other dudes,
但我的确喜欢你给我买♥♥漂亮的礼物作为补偿
but I do like it when you buy me pretty gifts to make up for it.
我真是个婊♥子♥
I'm a whore.
霍顿 你余生的时间已经不多了
Holden, time's running out on the rest of your life.
你是来杀我的吗
Are you here to kill me?
该死 这本该是一句浪漫的话
Damn it. That was supposed to be romantic.
鲁本 你来干什么
Ruben? What are you doing here?
我们注定要在一起
We belong together.
我在操你的时候 感觉就像在操自己
When I'm fucking you, it's like I'm fucking myself.
这真的就是我一直梦寐以求的
It's literally all I've ever wanted.
你以为我不知道吗 我们都一样
Don't you think I know that? We're the same!
所以你应该更能理解我为什么和拉米结婚
That's why you should understand I'm marrying Rami!
我会成为富有的王子
I'll be a rich prince,
我知道换做你也会这么做的 对不起
and I know deep down you'd do the same! I'm sorry!
我们会永远分享那段灵肉交融的记忆
We'll always have that time we boned each other's brains out.
不... 什么...
No... What...
天啊
Oh god!
为什么
Why?!
当你保持着完美的记录
Who needs special wine when you've got
谁还需要特别的红酒呢 对吧
a perfect record on the line, right?
请就坐 婚礼马上开始
Please take your seats, and we'll get started.
那家伙穿的是什么啊
What is that guy wearing?
什么... -需要流程单吗
What the... ‐ Care for a program?
你不是凯文国王吗
Aren't you King Kevin?
现在只是普通人老凯文了
Shh! It's just plain old Kevin now.
我曾经是国王
I was king.
现在我经历着被称为服务业的活地狱
Now, I experience the living hell known as the service industry.
怎么会这样
How did this happen?
拉米邀请我参加他孙子的割礼
Rami invited me to his grandson's bris.
结果我被关了起来 我的王国被侵占了
Next thing I know, I'm locked up and my kingdom's invaded.
你没看请柬上的小字吗
Didn't you read the fine print on your save the date?
"邀请您来" -看仔细点
"Invitation to come." ‐ Look closer.
"即将入侵"
"Invasion to come"?
这是一场政♥变♥
It's a coup!
对哦
Oh, right.
帕特里克 坐下 别想抢我风头
Patrick, sit down. You will not upstage me.
我得拯救王室家族
I have to save the Royal Family.
先生们 你们恐怕会发现旅馆里没房♥间了
Gentlemen, I'm afraid you'll find that there's no room at the inn
因为这座房♥子满了[满堂红 三带二]
because this house is full!
先生 这只有四张牌
Sir, that is only four cards.
该死 我把另一张放哪了
Oh shit. Where'd I put that other card?
抱歉 我最近感冒了
Oops, sorry! I've had a cold lately.
我想重开一局
I'd like to call a do‐over.
去你的 布拉尼
Damn it, Blarney!
保安 抓住这个小丑...
Security! Arrest this clown...
这还是我今年第一次犯事
First touch I've had all year!
还有那台老虎机
...and that slot machine.
太迟了 都下地狱吧
Too late, boys. See you all in hell!
我该怎么办 我该怎么办
Oh, what do I do? What do I do? What do I do?
停下婚礼
Stop the wedding!
我有... 好多感情
I have... so many feelings!
但我... 不知道... 该怎么办
Yet I... do not... know what to do!
有意思
Interesting.
看来我们抓到
It seems we have captured the man
给你寄色情情书的人了
who's been sending you pornographic love letters.
作为提前送给新郎们的结婚礼物
As an early wedding present to the grooms,
我判决此人立即执行死刑
I sentence this man to immediate execution!
什么
What?!
霍顿 还记得桃子吗
Holden! Remember the peaches!
桃子... 桃子... 桃子...
Peaches... peaches... peaches...
拉米 我确实在乎你...
Rami, I do care for you...
的钱 但我爱上别人了
...r money. But, I'm in love with someone else.
好了 大家都冷静下
Alright! Everyone calm down!
我本来要等到仪式结束的
I was going to wait until the end of the ceremony,
但既然新郎临阵退缩了...
but since the groom is getting cold feet...
守卫 抓住我们的新仆人
Guards! Capture our new servants!
新仆人 谢天谢地
New servants. Thank god.
凯文国王太烂了
King Kevin is terrible.
他居然往我的马丁尼里放菠萝
He put a pineapple in my martini.
新仆人说的就是我们 白♥痴♥
The new servants are us, you idiots!
梅里曼 你真是个傻瓜才会来这里
You were a fool to come here, Merriman.
我的王国绝不会与你们联盟
My kingdom would never join forces with yours!
而且我绝不会... 跟你... 做朋友
And I would never... be friends... with you.
但你还给我起了昵称
But... you gave me a nickname!
你说你喜欢我的致辞
You said you loved my speech!
都是骗你的 你的致辞很糟糕
All lies. Your speech was terrible.
你调戏了你自己的女儿
You hit on your own daughter!
大部分是帕特里克写的
Patrick wrote most of it!
我想说奶♥子♥的笑话的
I wanted to do a titty joke!
我现在就给你讲
Here, I'll just tell you it now.
一个女人走进番茄农场
A woman walks onto a tomato farm
奶♥子♥朝下地摔进了红油漆...
and falls tits‐first into some red paint...
所以这整场婚礼都是个骗局
So, this whole wedding was a sham?
你真以为拥有如此翘臀的王子
You really thought a prince with this ass
会和你这么扁屁♥股♥的侍卫结婚
would marry a squire with your ass?
你不过是一颗棋子
You were nothing but a pawn!
一颗扁屁♥股♥的棋子
A pawn with an ass so flat,
我在我们的推♥翻♥政♥权♥秘密会议上
I called you Stupid‐Flat‐Pancake‐Ass‐Pawn
都叫你蠢货平底锅屁♥股♥棋子
in all of our secret overthrow meetings.
天啊 你对我的屁♥股♥批评太多了
Jesus, so much ass‐based criticism!
给这个王室家族戴上
Take the Royal Family to be fitted
新的仆人镣铐
with their new servant shackles!
等下 先别着急做任何事
Wait! Before we do anything rash,
我们... 别忘了...
let's... not forget... about...
梅里曼的结婚礼物
Merriman's wedding gift!
它本该使我们两国重归于好