十字剑

夫妻连心之旅的向导
consciously connected coupledom!
如果你们想鼓掌 请敲打多音响筒
If you feel the need to applaud, please use your stirring drum.
这真是太操蛋了
F this in the A.
你们是谁 你们为什么来这里
Who are you, and why are you here?
这是格伦
Well, this is Glenn.
这是多琳
And she's Doreen.
就像橘子树
Like tangerine?
拜托 这有什么好笑的
Come on, for that?
我们的婚姻很幸福
We're happily married.
我们只是想来认识其他夫妇
Uh, we're just here to meet other couples.
我钥匙掉了
Whoops! I dropped my keys!
你们知道怎样会比较方便吗
You know what would be handy?
我们把钥匙都放进一个大碗里
A big bowl we could all put our keys in!
但如果我们晚上拿错了钥匙怎么办
But, what if, at the end of the night, we took the wrong keys?
看来我们只能和
I guess we'd have to couple up
钥匙的主人结对了
with whoever those keys belonged to.
好吧 继续 不好意思
Well, moving on. Excuse me,
你的伴侣呢
where's your partner?
我跟你说吧 我就是为这事来的
Well, I tell you what, that's kinda why I'm here.
我感觉我女朋友总把她的工作
I feel like my girlfriend is always putting her job
放在我们的关系之上
over our relationship.
那你感受如何
And how does that make you feel?
不被重视 充满绝望
Insignificant. Full of despair.
我喜欢这个小东西
Love this thing.
我有三条人生准则
There are three rules I live by.
第一 盔甲造就男人
One, the armor makes the man.
第二 永葆青春的真正秘诀是每日冥想
Two, the real fountain of youth is daily meditation
和软的遮阳帽 第三 听从内心的渴望
and a floppy sun hat. Three, obey your thirst.
我是菜鸟怎么着 我早就不听这些肤浅的废话了
What am I, a beginner? I'm way past this superficial bullshit.
布罗斯 你在记什么东西呢
Broth, what are you even writing down?
帕特里克 是时候告诉你了
Patrick, it's time I told you something.
每次你以为我在做笔记
Whenever you think I'm taking notes,
其实我都在忙着画色图
I am elbow‐deep drawing homemade porno.
现在 我们要聊聊最佳的拿剑姿势...
And now, we're going to be talking about the best sword positions...
终于讲到了 -来在战场上突出你的脸
Finally! ‐ ...to highlight your face in battle!
什么
To what?
就像这样
Like so! Huh?
背光时 用你的武器作为反光板
And, with your back to the sun, use your weapon as a bounce card
来补光
to find your fill light!
我♥操♥
Oh shit!
梅根中士 这毫无意义啊
Sgt. Meghan, this is pointless.
真不错
There I go.
在这次团队建设练习中
In this team‐building exercise,
每对伴侣要用积木搭一栋房♥子 开始
each couple will use their wooden blocks to build a house. Begin!
坚固的房♥子 正如坚固的感情...
A solid home, much like a solid relationship...
该死
Damn it.
应该建立在坚实的基础上
...should be built on a strong foundation.
提供支持是关键...
Support is the key to...
搞定
Done!
这又不是比赛
Well, it wasn't a race.
来参观一下
Come take the tour!
这是我的房♥间
Here's my room. Hm?
我在这个阳台发表战前重要讲话
This balcony is where I give my big important speeches about war
以及每天和我搭档做体育脱口秀
and I do my daily sports talk show with a partner
他的意见总与我恰恰相反
whose opinions are always the exact opposite of mine.
这是我的屋顶石洞
And here's my rooftop grotto
在这经常能找到斟薄荷酒的服务生
where the mint julep sommelier can oft be found.
这是下班时间的情妇通道
And this is the after‐hours mistress entrance.
我发现你完全没提到关于图丽普的地方
I noticed that you haven't mentioned Tulip's place in this house at all.
比起你们的婚姻 你似乎更看重你的王位
It feels like you may be putting your crown before your marriage.
什么 不是的...
Why, I... that's not...
还有图丽普
And Tulip,
你似乎完全没参与
looks like you've disengaged completely.
我从不参与任何事
Oh, I was never engaged.
这是个象征 不是失误
That's a feature, not a bug.
走台步 很好 你们就是骑士
Strut! Good, good, strut! You're a knight!
给我自信起来
Come on, show me confidence!
翘高夹紧屁♥股♥ 托比
Buttocks high and tight, Tobey!
托比 屁♥股♥软塌塌啊
Feeble buttocks game, Tobey!
去你♥妈♥的♥ 布罗斯
Fuck off, Broth!
不好意思 先生
Uh, excuse me, sir,
加里去上厕所还没回来
Gary's not back from his bathroom break yet.
大家小心 我们这来了个厕所警♥察♥
Oh, look out, gang, we've got the bathroom police over here!
我才不是厕所警♥察♥
I'm not the bathroom police!
我是基佬
Uh, tango‐six‐one‐niner,
我想着加里的鸡鸡 不管他的尿够不够多
I'm thinking about Gary's dick and whether enough pee's come out of it!
完毕
Over!
在这场角色扮演中 安吉丽卡的丈夫
In this resolution role play scenario, Anjelica is married
是一位墨西哥乐队乐手
to a mariachi musician.
他们今晚本来要约会 但他有场演出
It's their date night, but he booked a gig.
雪上加霜的是 此时水管工来修水槽了
Even worse, the plumber is here to fix the sink.
他要收1200块
His fee is $1,200!
有什么有用的策略让安吉丽卡
Now, what are some helpful strategies
能将他们感情路上的这个减速带
Anjelica can use to turn this relationship speed bump
变成一个成长的时刻
into a growth moment?
感觉你在诱导我发表一些种族歧视言论
I feel like you're trying to goad me into saying something racist.
我知道答案 这是黄♥片♥ 你跟水管工上♥床♥
I know this one! It's a porn. You fuck the plumber.
也许这个乐手忽略了约会之夜
Uh, maybe the mariachi's skipping date night
是因为她更在乎修水管 而不是他的管子
because she cares more about the plumbing than his plumbing.
厄克 我们已经聊过你的问题了
Ehh, we already worked on your thing, Urk.
你对着安吉丽卡不能保持硬挺
You can't maintain an erection with Anjelica
是因为这是和你♥爸♥私奔的秘书的名字
because Anjelica was the name of the secretary that your father ran away with.
爸 我恨你
I hate you, Dad!
如果下次我不能演水管工
Not for nothing, but if I don't get to be the plumber next time,
我就喝毒药
I'm drinking poison.
下一节课 头发
Our next lesson, hair!
你可能成为世界上最伟大的骑士
You could be the greatest knight in the world,
但如果你看着不像 没人会把你当回事
but if you don't look the part, no one will take you seriously.
孩子们 你们怎么洗头的
Boy! How do you wash your hair?
我一般从花洒下面冲过去 还没淋湿就洗完了
I take a running start and sprint through the shower before I can get wet.
错了 接下来两小时
Incorrect! Now, the next two hours
我要讲发型和护发产品
will be about styling and product.
你逗我呢
Are you kidding me?
我们整天带着头盔
We wear helmets all day!
发型对骑士毫无意义
Hairstyles are useless to a knight!
不好意思 你是骑士吗
I'm sorry, are you a knight?
我不是 但我确实找到了用来
I'm not a knight, but I did find all the gems
给你们发工资的那些宝石
that pay your salary.
我还在有毒卫生棉事件中救下了公主
And I did save the princess from poison tampons,
我还救了国王和王后
and I also saved the king and queen
让他们没被绑♥架♥ 被迫成为服务生
from being kidnapped and turned into cater‐waiters!
你似乎有很多成就
It sounds like you've had a lot of achievements.
但不知怎的 我连你的名字都不知道
And yet, somehow, I don't even know your name!
想知道为什么吗
Do you want to know why?
因为你该死的头发
Because of your fucking hair!
你真垃圾 -太狠了
You're garbage! ‐ Ha, ha, ha! That's savage.
他妈的该死的废物
God damn fucking loser.
他怎么会是骑士 我他妈才应该成为骑士
How is he a knight? I should be a fucking knight.
他应该给我工作 去他妈的头发
He should work for me. Fucking hair.
我应该剃光头 这样他们就会后悔了
Shave my head! Hm? Then they'll be sorry.
什么鬼...
What the...
加里
Gary!
谢谢你们的参与
Thank you all for participating.
记住 幸福的感情只有一个秘诀
And remember, there's only one secret to a happy relationship,
那就是...
and that secret is...
这是一个环节吗
Is this part of it?
这儿没船 船5点才回来
There are no boats! They come back at 5:00
或者等到实现爱情至上
or when love reigns supreme!
我赌它5点回来
My money's on 5:00.
如果我们把它引开 就能跑到小木屋里去
If we distract it, we can run to the cabins.