十字剑

十字剑
第二季 第 3 集
年度豪赌扑克锦标赛
海盗岛
赌场
我要... 喝水...
Need... water...
你觉得他们能省点水吗
You think they can spare some?
住手
Oh, stop it!
你快让我湿透了
You're getting me wet and drenched!
陛下 我们到了
Your Majesties, I think we're here.
图丽普 打起精神
Tulip, brace yourself.
我们即将踏上一段痛苦的冒险旅程
We're about to embark on a harrowing adventure.
一场俗气的目的地婚礼
A tacky destination wedding.
记住 我们要用新发现的财富来打动拉米国王
Remember, we need to impress King Rami with our newfound wealth.
那次... 高尔夫周末 我把事情搞得一团糟
I made a mess of things after that... golf weekend,
我们需要他重新成为我们王国的盟友
and we need him back as our kingdom's ally.
花花 听到了吗
Hear that, Blossom?
每个人都要拿出最佳表现
Everyone must be on their best behavior.
听到了吗 人盾
Hear that, Human Shield?
别他妈恶心到别人
Don't be fucking disgusting.
霍顿居然要跟王子结婚了 我们要去打招呼吗
I can't believe Holden's gonna marry a prince. Should we say hi?
我们现在应该在工作
We're supposed to be working.
你说得对
Yeah, you're right.
我们就在这儿打招呼吧
We'll just say hi from here.
霍顿 霍顿 恭喜了 哥们
Holden! Holden! Congrats, buddy!
侍卫万岁 希望你今晚能干翻他
Squires for life! I hope you wreck that dude tonight!
或者他干翻你
Or that he wrecks you!
我不清楚你们的攻受关系
I'm unclear on your relationship's sexual dynamics!
你们可以换着来 看看哪种姿势对味儿
Maybe go for the flippy flop! See what feels right!
好吗 恭喜了
Okay? Mazel!
看起来他们的化学反应很有趣
Well, it looks like they have a fun chemistry.
梅里曼 真高兴你能来
Merriman! Glad you could make it!
等下 拉米 在你提起放松协会之前...
Now, hold on, Rami. Before you bring up Chill Society...
等等 你说很高兴我能来
Wait, you said you're glad I could make it?
当然
Of course!
很抱歉你这周才收到邀请
Sorry you just got your invitation this week.
宾客实在太多了 直到我们听说
The guest list was quite full, until we heard about
你的王国转运了
your kingdom's reversal of fortune.
听说你现在发财了
Rich now, I hear?
不知道呢
I don't know.
是这样吗
Am I?
我喜欢你有钱的时候
I like you with money.
把这些服务员都杀了
Kill all those waiters.
总之 我们彩排晚宴上见吧
Anyway, I'll see you at the rehearsal dinner,
这提醒我了 你作为来访的国家元首
which reminds me. As a visiting head of state,
如果能发表致辞 我将非常荣幸
I'd be honored if you gave a speech.
我有多长时间
How much time do I get?
半小时 十分钟 五分钟
30 minutes? 10 minutes? Tight five?
主题是什么
What's the topic?
我儿子和你的侍卫霍顿之间的联姻
The marriage between my son and your squire Holden.
你太有趣了
You're a real gas!
派对上见 老钱袋
See you at the party, Moneybags.
拉米刚给我起了个昵称
Rami just gave me a nickname!
我们已经是最好的朋友了
We're becoming BFFs already!
不错 陛下
That's great, Sire.
我得在晚宴上致辞
Oh, and now I have to give a speech at the dinner.
给我拿些提示卡 还有我的梦境日记
Grab some cue cards and bring me my dream journal.
好的 陛下 -太棒了
Yes, sir. ‐ This is great!
而且一旦拉米看到我们带来的结婚礼物
And once Rami sees the wedding gift we brought,
我们两国之间的联盟就稳了
it could seal the alliance between our two empires.
有了他的血腥欲望和我们的钱
With his blood lust and our money,
我们就能征服全世界了
we could own the world!
听起来不太妙啊
Well, that's terrifying.
这周末我需要你做我的得力助手
I need you to be my right‐hand man this weekend.
你唯一的工作是确保这场婚礼顺利进行
Your only job is to make sure this wedding goes off without a hitch.
如果你失败了 我就把你贬为侍卫
And if you fail, I'm demoting you to squire.
陛下 我就是侍卫
Your Majesty, I am a squire.
帕特里克 别开玩笑了
Patrick, don't joke about that.
搞不好真有人以为你是侍卫了
Someone might think you're a squire!
还有 谁他妈是霍顿
Also, who the fuck is Holden?
回见 老妈 我要去看脱衣舞了
See you, Mom. I'm gonna go bet on some strippers.
你不能走 你必须待在这儿
You can't leave. You must stay
优雅地代表我们王国的形象
and represent our kingdom with class.
像你现在这样吗 酒鬼
Like you're doing, Wine‐Lips?
在开放酒吧喝得烂醉是王后应该做的
Getting open‐bar hammered is expected of a queen.
这是我必须承受的负担
This is my cross to bear!
而且 你难道不想见见
Besides, don't you want to meet the prince
我和你♥爸♥安排你嫁给他的那个王子吗
that your father and I arranged for you to marry?
什么 但我已经和基弗在一起了
What?! But I'm dating Keefer!
对哦
Oh, yes.
你幻想的鬼魂音乐家男友
Your imaginary ghost‐slash‐musician boyfriend.
你俩的未来真是一片光明
So much potential there.
你应该高兴我在跟他约会
You should be happy I'm dating him!
我们在练习禁欲呢
We're practicing abstinence!
我们也不想的 但他是个没有身体的鬼
We don't want to, but he's a bodiless poltergeist.
抱歉 宝贝 这场包办婚姻已安排好了
Sorry, darling. It's already been arranged.
所以才叫包办
Hence the name.
让开 傻♥逼♥游客
Move it, you fucking tourist!
我的年度扑克牌骗局
Ah, my yearly poker shakedown.
"通缉令 因为此人算牌 捅他人眼睛
"Wanted for card counting, eye stabbing,
以及行使女性惯用骗术"
and general female trickery!"
他们说是就是吧
When they're right, they're right.
幸好我总带着伪装的道具
Lucky for me, I always carry a disguise.
这不是海盗女王吗
Hey, that's the Pirate Queen!
她的眼睛出什么毛病了
What the fuck's wrong with her eye?
太恶心了 -把她赶出去
Disgusting! - Get her outta here!
别再来这儿露脸了
Don't show your face here again.
还有拜托治下眼睛吧
And fix that eye, for Christ's sake.
我们现在将开始婚礼敬酒
We shall now begin the toast
为我优秀的儿子拉米五世王子
for the wedding between my wonderful son, Prince Rami V,
和他未婚夫 侍卫霍顿...
and his betrothed, Squire Holden...
某个普通得我他妈都忘了的姓
some‐common‐last‐name‐I‐can't‐fucking‐remember.
我其实是一个公爵的儿子
Ha! I'm actually the son of a duke.
好极了 这让我觉得儿子和一个男同侍卫结婚
Perfect! That takes the sting out of having your son
完全不痛苦了呢 首先欢迎梅里曼国王致辞
marry a gay squire. First up, King Merriman!
我太紧张了 我好久没干过这事了
I'm so nervous. I haven't done this in a while.
"污点"这个词还好笑吗
Is the word "taint" still funny?
什么 -当然好笑了
What? ‐ Of course it is.
谢谢你 拉米
Thank you, Rami.
当我发现我们要来你们这儿时
When I found out we were coming to your sandbox,
我还担心擦除污点的事
I was worried about taint‐chafing.
但至今为止 依然很污
But so far, so taint.
谢谢
Thank you!
现在 说回这对新婚夫夫
Now, on to the happy couple.
韦氏词典将鸡♥奸♥定义为...
Webster's Dictionary defines sodomy...
天啊
Jesus.
这个演讲太烂了 我得做点什么
This speech is a trash fire. I gotta do something.
提示卡倒了
Oops. Cue cards are down.
没关系 我来即兴地动员观众
No problem. I'll improvise with some crowd work.
第二排那位性感的小公主
You there, the hot little piece of ass in the second row,
你叫什么 甜心
what's your name, sweetheart?
花花公主
Princess Blossom.
提示卡回来了
The cue cards are back.
找到那个与你共度余生的人
Finding that person to spend the rest of your life with
总是一件值得庆贺的事
is always worth celebrating.
衷心祝愿你们的结合能同样
I wish that your union
给你们带来我在婚姻中所找到的幸福
brings you the same happiness I have found in mine.
我惊艳全场了
I really slayed up there.
虽然你砍掉了我关于奶头的笑话
Even though you cut my titty joke.
你知道在同志婚礼上融入一个奶头笑话有多难吗
You know how hard it is to work a titty joke into a gay wedding?
梅里曼 谢谢你的...
Merriman, thank you for that...
诚挚的致辞 明天婚礼结束后
heartfelt speech. Let's talk about the alliance
我们来谈谈两国联盟的事吧