十字剑

十字剑
第一季 第一集
十年前
各位 等等
Guys! Wait!
我们不能上这来
We're not allowed to be up here.
爸爸妈妈说很危险
Mom and Dad said it's dangerous.
"哒哒哒哒 爸爸妈妈说 爸爸妈妈说"
"Blah, blah, blah. Mom and Dad said, Mom and Dad said!"
不知道国王现在在干什么
Wow, I wonder what the king is doing right now!
多半在一边智慧治国
Probably being all wise and good
一边做一百万个俯卧撑
while he does, like, a million push-ups.
也许他在用望远镜看我们
Maybe he's watching us through his telescope!
你这么觉得
Whoa. You think?
是的 他肯定在说"那小子为什么这么怂"
Oh yeah! And he's all like, "Why's that kid being such a pussy?"
真漂亮
They're beautiful!
传言说每个龙的巢穴里都有一个纯金的蛋
The legend says every dragon nest contains one egg of pure gold.
纯金 我以为是纯巧克力
Pure gold? I thought it was pure chocolate.
我听说是一个装满金币的蛋
I heard it was an egg full of gold coins,
但当你撕下箔纸 里面就是巧克力
but when you peel off the foil, it's chocolate inside.
龙怎么会在它子♥宫♥里孕育
How would a dragon gestate something that complicated
这么复杂的东西 你个蠢货
in its womb, you fucking idiot?
我不是蠢货 鲁本
I'm not an idiot, Ruben!
老实说 布拉尼 你化了小丑妆我没法认真对待你
Honestly, Blarney, I can't take you seriously in that clown makeup.
柯萝尔 你知道我要去上小丑大学
Hey Coral, you know I'm going to clown college.
小丑是个冉冉升起的职业
Clowning is a "profession on the rise."
这是《失业小丑》杂♥志♥里的原话
That's a quote directly from Unemployed Clown magazine.
我们快点吧 趁龙妈妈还没回家
Let's hurry before mama dragon comes home!
-这颗蛋里没有黄金 -住手 这样是不对的
- No gold in this one. - Stop! This feels wrong!
该死 什么都没有
Aw, man. Nothing.
我不想这么做了
I don't want to do this anymore!
我不想要黄金了 如果这意味着要伤害龙宝宝
I don't want the gold if it means hurting the babies!
-只剩一颗蛋了 帕特里克 -砸开 帕特里克
- One egg left, Patrick. - Do it, Patrick.
我不想
I don't want to!
循规蹈矩你只会一事无成
Ugh, you'll never get anywhere in life following the rules!
我们还以为你很酷 哥们
We thought you were cool, dude.
好吧 希望这是黄金蛋
Well, I hope this is the golden one.
她无缘无故就发火了 快跑
She's mad for no reason! Run!
别碰我的羊 小混♥蛋♥们
Stay away from my sheep, you little bastards!
再见了 傻瓜
See ya, fucksticks!
见鬼
Well, shit.
这是我见过的最糟糕的事
That is the worst thing I've ever seen!
我找到他了 帮我扶他起来
I found him! Help me get him--
祝你好运 记住 别不要做怂逼
Good luck, man! Remember! Don't be a pussy!
你们要抛下我们吗
You're just gonna leave us behind?
你们是史上最烂的兄妹
You're the worst siblings ever!
做你逊毙了 我们会永远存在于你的生活里
Sucks to be you! We're in your life forever!
永远 永远 永远
Forever! Forever! Forever!
这是你的宝宝
Here's your baby!
求你了 惩罚我 放过我哥哥吧
Please, punish me but spare my brother!
那可怜的龙妈妈 我们杀了她的孩子
That poor mama dragon. We killed her babies.
还有那边死的人
Plus whatever that body count ends up being.
我发誓我要补偿大家
I... I swear I'm gonna make it up to everybody!
我要像国王一样助人为乐
I'll... I'll help people! Like the king!
我要成为王国史上最出色的骑士
I'm gonna be the best knight the kingdom has ever seen!
奇怪的一天
Weird day.
现在
好的 帕特里克 十年训练就为了这一刻
Okay, Patrick, ten years of training has led to this.
国王在观看 不要有压力
The king is watching. No pressure.
开始
And... go!
看这傻缺表演是做邻居最大的好处
Watching this idiot is the best thing about living next door.
格伦和多琳肯定无地自容
Glenn and Doreen must be so embarrassed.
先是他们的孩子烧毁了整座小镇
First their kid burns down the whole town,
现在又是这个 这叫啥
now this, this-- What do you call this?
不知道 某种角色扮演的手♥淫♥
I don't know. Some sort of cosplay jack-off session.
嘘 我爱这部分
Shh, I love this part.
帕特里克 进来
Patrick! Come inside!
妈 我在练习
Mom, I'm practicing!
这很重要 亲爱的
It's important, sweetheart!
你表现不错 小子
Looking good, kiddo!
帕特里克 我和你♥爸♥爸有事要跟你说 格伦
Patrick, your father and I have something to tell you. Glenn?
你得去找份工作
You need to get a job.
工作 不 我要训练成为骑士
A job? No, I'm training to be a knight!
一切都始于我们爬上那座山去找龙蛋
It all started when we climbed that mountain for the dragon eggs--
我们知道 哒哒哒哒 濒危物种
We know, we know, blah, blah, blah, endangered species,
-杀了她孩子 没有龙了 -等等 你最后说的什么
- killed its babies, no more dragons. - Wait. What was that last part?
天 每个小孩都想成为骑士
My God. Look, every kid wants to be a knight,
但你知道有多少小孩能真的成为职业骑士吗
but do you know how many kids actually go pro?
看看你的兄弟们还有你姐姐
Look at your brothers and your sister.
他们都有好的工作
They all have good jobs.
好工作 你疯了吗
Good jobs? Are you insane?
鲁本在林♥业♥局♥工作
Ruben works for the forest service.
一伙四处流窜的土匪
A roving gang of bandits.
布拉尼搞艺术
Blarney's in the fine arts.
酗酒的生日小丑
Alcoholic birthday clown.
有个后备工作有利无害
Pays to have a backup career.
柯萝尔是她自己运输公♥司♥的首席执行官
And Coral is the CEO of her own shipping company!
妈 她就是个该死的海盗女王
Mom, she's a goddamn fucking pirate queen!
听着 我知道你们对我们的爱是一样的
Listen, I know you love us equally--
我是说
Uh, I mean...
但我受够了做害群之马
But I'm tired of being the black sheep.
等我做了骑士后 你们会意识到
When I'm a knight, you're gonna realize
我才是家里的善人 而他们是坏人
I'm the white sheep and they're the black sheep!
然后我就能终于站在家族圣诞贺卡的正中♥央♥了
Then I'm finally gonna be front and center on the Christmas cards!
节日快乐
你们看上去真可爱
Oh, you all look so adorable!
不自立 必沉沦
Yeah, well, sink or swim, hero.
我要在你卧室放一个台球桌
I'm putting a pool table in your bedroom,
明天就会送到
and it's getting delivered tomorrow.
你明天要赶我走
You're kicking me out tomorrow?
这么说吧
Let's just put it this way,
我明天要拿到那个台球桌 然后在上面和你妈做♥爱♥
I'm getting that pool table tomorrow and fucking your mother on it.
不管你在不在这儿 那是你的选择
Now, whether you're here or not, that's your choice.
看样子你们都有着实现不了的梦想
Sounds like both of you have dreams that won't come true.
这简直是狗屁
Aah, this is such bullcrap!
我去儿童医院工作
How am I supposed to atone for my sins
要怎么赎罪
by taking a job at a "children's hospital"?
好吧 这个例子不太恰当
Okay, bad example.
但我绝不要在这个幼儿收♥容♥所♥里工作
But I'm certainly not gonna work at this "hospice for toddlers."
天啊 这里的小孩问题真多
Jeez, the kids around here have problems.
那是什么 给小屁孩挖墓吗
What's that one? Gravedigger for tweens?
是国王一年一度的护卫锦标赛公告
It's an announcement for the King's Annual Squire Tournament.
护卫锦标赛
It's the Squire Tournament!
你好棒哦 所以我才把它贴在公告栏上
Oh! That's nice! That's why I put it on a public bulletin board:
只让一个人看
so only one person sees it.
明天 一般都在七月啊
It's tomorrow? No, it's usually in July!
空了一个职位出来 发生了一起友军♥火♥力误伤事件
Yeah, there's an opening. Something about a friendly fire incident.
不过用的是剑 要我说的话 听上去像是谋杀
Except with a sword. If you ask me, it sounds like murder.
可我还没准备好 我赢不了
But I'm not done preparing! I can't win!
或者可以赢
Or can I?
这也许能解决我的所有问题
This could be the answer to all my problems.
问题是 我需要来这儿吗
Now, the question is, do I even need to be here?
因为我感觉自己像是布景装饰
Because I'm starting to feel like set dressing.
好的 连个道别都没有
Okay, no goodbye.
我猜在你看来 刚才我们之间都算不上在对话
So, I guess in your mind, it wasn't even a real conversation.
我死了后 谁会来为我的职位来贴传♥单♥ 肯定没人
When I die, who will put up the flier to fill my job? I bet no one.
再见 爸爸妈妈
So long, Mom and Dad.
下次你们见到我 我将是国王的新护卫
The next time you see me, I'll be the king's new squire!
我发誓 因为
This I swear because--
闭嘴 你个傻猫
Shut up, you stupid cat!
国王住在那个城♥堡♥里
The king lives in that castle!
废话 笨蛋
No fucking shit, moron!
真的要成真了
This is really happening!
我好像恐慌发作了
I-I think I'm having a panic attack.
我家人死于瘟疫 但你的问题似乎同样困难