十字剑

Brava!
刚才真是一团糟 不知怎的
That was a disaster. Somehow,
她竟然比之前昏迷得更严重了
she's even more comatose than she was before,
而且我们要没时间了 怎么办
and we're running out of time! What do we do?
我们只有一个选择了
There's only one thing we can do.
请原谅我 我的王后
Forgive me, my queen.
我这是帮你解脱
It's the merciful thing to do!
你在干什么
What are you doing?!
有了
That's it!
我们得把制♥造♥机器的发明家找来
We need to find the inventor of this machine to reverse it!
他叫宽面条·达·芬奇
His name is Fettuccine da Vinci.
就像莱昂纳多·达·芬奇 -我才不像那个
Like Leonardo? - Nothing like that
胡说八道 想做建筑师的王八蛋
bullshit‐hack‐architect‐wannabe‐asswad!
我飞出来的时候 被卡住了
When I flew, I gota stucka.
一直吊在这里
Been herea the whole time.
那家伙喝尿是不是很奇怪
Wasn't it weird when that guy drank pee?
是你啊
Oh, that was you?
我说实话 真的很恶心
I gotta be honest, that wasa disgusting.
苍天老爷啊 哥们
I mean, Gesùs Cristos, dude.
♪ 剑 海盗船 金子和鸡鸡 ♪
♪ Swords and ships and gold and dicks! ♪
接下来是演讲环节
Next up, the oratory part of the competition!
演讲 不是口♥交♥
Oratory, not oral.
但她们会穿泳装
But they will be in bathing suits!
我经常思考这样一件事
I often reflect on the fact that
我们不过是沧海一粟
we're only a small part of the big universe.
如果你站得足够远来回望人类
And if you stood far enough away and looked back at us,
我们只不过是浩瀚宇宙中的
we'd be nothing more than a tiny blue speck
一个小蓝点 根本无足轻重
in the midst of vastness, completely insignificant.
我问的是 你有没有亲过女孩
The question was, have you ever kissed a girl,
有的话亲过几个 -但...
and if so, how much? ‐ But...
斯泰茜 现在国王之间的关系非常紧张
Stacy, there's a lot of tension between rulers right now.
作为王国的下个顶级王后
As the Kingdom's Next Top Queen,
你会如何让我们免于战争
how would you keep us from going to war?
我觉得 我们应该帮助其他王国什么的
Um, I think that we should help other kingdoms and such,
王国需要国王统治什么的
and the kingdoms need kings and such.
我的狗是我最好的朋友 它不吃蔬菜
And my dog is my best friend, and my dog won't eat vegetables,
这样不好 因为蔬菜有益健康... 什么的
which is bad because vegetables are good... and such.
还有 我大学时亲过女孩什么的
Also, in college, I kissed a girl and such.
恭喜 回答正确
Congratulations! That's the correct answer!
快把王冠给她吧
Just give her the crown!
图丽普肯定会觉得她超性感
Tulip would think she's super hot!
红色接红色 黑色接黑色
Red to red, black to black.
如果失败了 国王会砍掉你的头
If this doesn't work, the king will have you beheaded.
你听到没 莱昂纳多
Ha! You hear that, Leonardo?
我太危险了 可能会被砍头
I'm so dangerous, I might be beheaded!
我敢打赌 你那些该死的画作从没被这么关注
Bet your little fucking paintings never gota this much heat!
快点 暴风雨要袭来了
Quickly! A convenient storm is rolling in!
起作用了 她活过来了
It's working! She's alive!
我成功了吗 我解决了吗
Did I do it? Did I fix it?
宽面条 你真很让我失望
You really disappointed me, Fettuccine!
爸 是你吗 不是吗
Dad? Is thata you? No?
那就他妈的闭嘴
Then shuta the fuck up!
我们得赶紧找到王后
We have to find the queen before it's too late!
如果见到她 提醒她多喝水
If you see her, remind her to hydrate.
她的尿看起来有点黄
Things are looking a little brown in pee‐pee town.
能不能别跟着我了 还有放下那个便盆吧
Will you stop following me? And put down that bedpan!
现在就是万众期待的时刻
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for!
梅里曼国王将为王国的下个顶级王后加冕
King Merriman will crown the kingdom's Next Top Queen!
使得图丽普王后仿佛从未存在过
Making it as if Queen Tulip never existed.
不
No!
梅里曼国王 停下
King Merriman, stop!
帕特里克 如果你想参赛 得从头开始
Patrick, if you want to compete, you need to go back to the beginning.
给这男人拿件比基尼
Get this man a bikini!
陛下 图丽普王后醒了... 还不见了...
Sire, Queen Tulip is awake... and missing...
而且可能气炸了
and probably really mad.
不要啊 新的图丽普
No! New Tulip!
太好了 图丽普...
Hooray! Oh, Tulip...
小甜心 你醒了...
Sugar plum, you're awake...
别叫我小甜心
Don't "sugar plum" me!
我自♥慰♥昏迷了不过几个小时
I was in a masturbation coma for a few hours,
你就想用都没成年的小姑娘替代我了
and you move to replace me with some barely legal trollop?!
我真该杀了你们所有人
I should put everyone in this room to death!
达·芬奇先走了
Arriva‐da‐Vinci!
我没事
I'm okay!
这上面太脏了
Wow, it'sa dusty up here!
这是个误会
This is a misunderstanding.
我没想换掉你
I didn't want to replace you,
但出于政♥治♥考虑 我不得不这么做
but, politically, I had to.
而且我想这么做
Then, I wanted to
因为能看音乐节目和粘胶摔跤
because there was musical numbers and gelatin!
可能是我烧焦的大脑和淤青的子♥宫♥颈在作祟
This might be my fried brain and bruised cervix talking,
但也许我们并不需要国王
but maybe we don't need a king.
欢迎来到王后镇 混♥蛋♥们
Welcome to Queenstown, motherfuckers!
她死了吗
Is she dead yet?
请把遗产支票寄给"超凡花花" 这是我的公♥司♥
Make the inheritance check out to Awesome Blossom. It's my LLC.
宝贝 现在不是时候
Not now, petal.
爹地和妈咪有点小矛盾
Mommy and Daddy are having a disagreement.
妈咪想让爹地去死 爹地不同意
Mommy thinks Daddy should die, Daddy disagrees.
她没死
She's not dead?
我错过学校的索尔兹伯牛排日了
I'm missing Salisbury steak day at school.
你们俩最好赶紧死一个
One of you better fucking die!
我们俩之中会有人死的
Oh, one of us is gonna die.
该死 我就知道这种好事不会长久的
Damn. I knew it was too good to last.
但如果她杀了梅里曼 整个王国都会垮掉
But if she kills Merriman, the whole kingdom will collapse.
花花 真的很抱歉 但我是为大局着想
I am really sorry, Blossom, but this is for the greater good.
帕特里克 你真是个怪人
You're a weird dude, Patrick.
糟了 图丽普
Oh no! Tulip!
梅里曼 你们最好别吵了
Merriman! I guess you better stop fighting
赶紧来救你们的女儿
and help your daughter!
花花
Blossom!
帕特里克 你♥他♥妈♥个狗♥娘♥养♥的
Patrick, you fucking dick!
我♥操♥
Holy shit!
费恩 你今早不是在学校吗
Fern? But you were in roll call this morning!
我的天 你想赢得跟我爸上♥床♥的机会
Oh my god, were you trying to win sex with my dad?!
花花公主 当心身后
Princess Blossom, behind you!
糟了
Oh shit.
图丽普 快用你奇怪的恶魔眼
Tulip! Use your weird devil eyes!
我没电了 你个白♥痴♥
I'm out of juice, you idiot!
我不用靠别人救我
I don't need to be rescued.
我是个成年女性 不是什么小婊♥子♥
I'm a grown woman, not some little bitch.
还有谁被暴♥力♥挑起性♥欲♥了 举起你的鸡鸡
Who else has a violence boner? Eh? Raise your dicks.
爸 快救我们出去
Daddy! Get us outta here!
人体蜈蚣
Human centipede!
什么 -我是说 人体梯子
What? ‐ I mean human ladder!
我垫底了 这还是我的主意呢
Ah, I got the fucking shaft. And it was my idea.
等下 我们去找根绳子
Hold on. We'll get a rope.
不 我罪有应得
No. I deserve this.
这混♥蛋♥犯心脏病了 我得救他
This bastard's having a heart attack! I have to save him!
或者她 我不该贸然假设
Or her. I‐I shouldn't assume.
如果你死了 我的自我牺牲就没意义了
My self‐sacrifice gets really muddled if you die!
我没能救活他 或者她
I couldn't save him. Or her.
真的是个她
It was a her.
别担心 我救活了孩子
Don't worry! I saved the kid!
这个基因库真的太不幸了
That is a very unlucky gene pool.
最终一切都解决了
Everything worked out in the end.
是的 王后还活着 重回王位了
Well, the queen is alive and back on the throne,
但这一开始都是我的错
but it was my fault in the first place.
不管我做什么 好像都会把事情搞砸
No matter what I do, I always seem to screw things up.
我有时怀疑自己是否注定要成为骑士
Sometimes, I wonder if I'm even meant to be a knight.
你有怀疑过这事吗
Did you ever wonder that?
还是算了 当我没说