无能为力（2017）

Hey, what are you doing coming from HR?
你是不是又对其他黑人学了那个鞭子声
Were you making that whipping noise to other black people?
没有 我是去...
No. I was just...
争取把网要回来的...
trying to get the Internet back...
为了你们
for you guys
因为我知道你们渴望重新连上网
because I knew you wanted it so bad.
-什么 -你是为了我们才去找他的吗
- What? - You did that for us?
没人敢惹萨姆缪尔
I mean, nobody screws with Samuel.
说实话 罗恩甚至一度以为
I mean, to be honest, Ron even thought for a second
是因为你我们的网才被断掉的
that you were the reason the Internet was shut down.
罗恩
Ron.
是啊 我完全看错了你
Yeah, I had you all wrong.
除了点"英雄三明治"的时候
And I try not to use the word hero
"英雄"这个词我从来不说
outside of a sandwich context...
但我愿意称你一声英雄
but you just might be one.
我们之前对你是不太友好
You know, we were being a little tough on you earlier.
你愿不愿意加入我们的联盟呀
What do you say about joining our fantasy league?
你们不是说人满了吗
Well, I thought you said it was full.
苏珊 你出局了
Susan, you're out!
别摆出那副表情 苏珊
And don't gimme that look, Susan--
你料到了会有这一天的
you knew this was coming.
伙计们 我们继续去做那个碎石伞吧
Guys, let's get back to work on that Rumbrella.
为了艾米丽 你是想在周五看见成品吧
For Emily. You wanted it by Friday?
我这么说过吗 我都不记得了
Did I say that? I don't even remember.
我觉得你说的是周一
I think you said Monday.
周五 绝对是周五
Friday. Definitely Friday.
我觉得是 随便啦
I think. Whatever.
太美了
Beautiful.
你不觉得手指枪有点过了吗
You don't think the finger guns are a little much?
凡
Hey Van!
看见了吧
You tell me.
你知道最妙的是什么吗
Know what the best part is?
我知道 但你觉得是什么
Yes, I do. But what do you think it is?
这是我自己做的
I did this on my own.
我亲自去找美工部的人 让他们
I personally told the art department to do this
为我做这个
for me,
全是我一个人搞定的
all by myself.
除了抵挡碎石
So instead of withstanding rubble,
碎石伞还得能弹开...
the Rumbrella needs to repel--
凡是把自己P了进去吗
Did Van photoshop himself into that?
是的
Yes, he did.
能把他那张原图给我们吗
And can we get the photo he used?
好的
Yes, you can.
你猜怎么着
Guess what?
团队回归正轨 去忙碎石伞了
The team is back on track to finish the Rumbrella,
而且他们还邀请我加入他们的联盟
and they invited me into their fantasy league.
看来我找到朋友兼上司间的平衡点了
Looks like I hit that friend/boss sweet spot.
我不信 根本不存在这种平衡点
I don't believe it. It doesn't exist.
丢掉
Discard.
凡 我们是朋友吗
Van, are we friends?
上司不能和他们的员工做朋友
Bosses cannot be friends with their employees.
这种友谊只是传说 就像雪怪...
It is a myth, like the Yeti...
或者无条件的母爱
or the unconditional love of a mother.
他耗费了大量的金钱
And he has spent a lot of money
寻求这两样东西
in search of both of those things.
但我在雪怪这事上有进展了
Although I am making progress on the Yeti.
他在这儿呢
Oh, there he is!
-干得漂亮 老兄 -砰 砰
- Yeah! Yeah, man. - Boom, boom!
这出手指枪枪战是怎么回事
What's with the finger guns?
你还不知道吗
Oh, you don't know.
-你会爱上这个的 -好吧
- You're gonna love this. - Okay.
跟我来
Follow me.
如今我成了梦之队里有头有脸的人物了
Now that I'm a fully visible member of the Dream Team,
大家就都对我...
everyone is giving me props--
这是什么鬼东西
What the hell is this?
你被做成表情包了
You've been memed.
你好呀 枪手
Hey, gunslinger.
这是怎么回事
What is happening here?
萨姆缪尔
Samuel.
瞧瞧他们对我♥干♥了什么
Look what they've done to me.
凡 冷静
Van. Come on.
这只是个玩笑罢了
It was just a joke.
只是个玩笑
Just a joke.
我也有个玩笑
Well, I have a joke of my own.
敲敲门 敲敲门
Uhh, knock, knock?
是谁啊
Who's there?
-不是吧 -苏珊
- Really? - Susan!
是你们这周末要看的
A six-hour anti-bullying video
六小时长的反霸凌视频
you'll all be watching this weekend
这是开给你们的处罚
because I have just written you up.
不不不不
No, no, no, no.
这太荒唐了
You are being ridiculous.
你是说像你要我阻止他们玩超级英雄联盟
You mean as ridiculous as you asking me to stop them
一样荒唐吗
from playing their fantasy league?
-等等 什么 -什么
- Wait, what? - What?
他说的是什么意思
What's he talking about?
伙计们 我们就承认了吧
Guys, let's be honest,
我们是在欺负人
we were bullying.
我们就认了这次的处罚 然后散了吧
We need to just take our punishment and walk away
不要再听别人说的其他什么了
and not listen to anything else anyone says.
艾米丽背叛了你们
Emily betrayed you.
我不是无缘无故断你们的网
I didn't take away your Internet for no reason.
是她要我这么做的
She asked me to.
我再去电梯里赖一会儿
I'm just gonna go ride the elevator up and down for a while.
现在该第十位选了
And with the tenth pick
这是史上耗时最长的一次选秀
in the longest draft ever
因为艾米丽断了我们的网...
because Emily had our Internet taken away--
苏珊
Susan.
谢谢大家
Thanks, guys.
我很感激你们让我回归...
I really appreciate you letting me back in--
行了 苏珊
Enough, Susan.
我们只是为了踢艾米丽出去才拉你回来的
You're only here so we can kick out Emily.
伙计们 我很抱歉
Guys, I'm sorry.
我一开始就该直接和你们摊牌的
I should have been straight with you from the beginning,
而不该去找人事部总监 我们和好了吧
instead of going to HR. Are we cool?
不 我们是和好的反义词
Uh, no. We're the opposite of cool.
只有几件事让我不爽 而你是其中之一
You're on the very short list of things that upset me.
你和极高的养鲨鱼费用
It's you and the shockingly high price of shark ownership.
这也不能全怪我啊
It's not all my fault.
我本来不必这么做的
I wouldn't have done what I did
如果你们好好地把碎石伞完成了
if you guys would have just finished the Rumbrella,
这可是你们的工作
which is--I don't know-- your job.
-我们说了我们会做的 -是啊
- And we said we would do it. - Yeah.
我们唠唠叨叨 拖拖拉拉
We bitch and we procrastinate
那是因为我们就是这样的
because that's what we do.
但我们会赶最后一分钟前把工作完成的
But we would've gotten it done at the absolute last possible minute.
你说了你会在背后支持我们的
You said you had our backs.
谁知你却在背后捅了我们一刀
But then you went behind our backs.
没错 就和我们其他的上司一样
Yeah, just like all our other bosses.
除了"我觉得我能飞"汤姆
Except for "I Think I Can Fly" Tom.
他没机会捅我们
He never had the chance.
放轻松 艾米丽 我们周五会完工的
Relax, Emily. We'll get it done by Friday.
肯定让你有面子 公♥司♥会喜欢你的
You'll look great. Corporate will love you.
我发誓 如果我睁看眼睛看到
I swear to God, if I open my eyes
你戴着《惊声尖叫》面具
and you are wearing that "Scream" Mask,
我肯定尿裤子
I am going to literally piss myself.
睁眼吧 凡
Just open your eyes, Van.
我就说当时有我 没错的
I told you I was there. I knew it!
摄影师把你裁掉了
The photographer cropped you out
因为你实在太讨人厌了
because you were being a dick.
我跟他说你要死了