无能为力（2017）

但同样也是悲剧
but it is equally as tragic.
你不是特有钱吗 一亿美金之类的
Don't you have, like, $100 million?
有 但那值什么
Yeah. But what's that worth?
好吧 好消息是
Okay. Well, the good news is,
我发现了很多节省开销的方法
I found tons of budget cuts,
可以在不开除任何人的情况下
and we can meet Mr. West's goals
满足韦斯特先生的预算要求
without firing anyone.
求你别吃了 好吗
Please don't eat... okay.
艾米丽 有人说
You know, Emily, they tell you
如果你很富有 又认识了对的人
that if you're rich and you know the right people,
你的人生就会飞黄腾达 根本是骗人的
that you'll go far in life, but it is a lie!
人们只关心你是否努力工作
The only thing people care about is hard work
以及你是否有天赋
and if you have talent.
这社会体系太扭曲了
The system's broken!
别看我
Don't look at me.
好吧 如果你同意的话
Okay, well, if it's cool with you,
我打算拿着你的手
I am just going to take your hand right now
在这份预算书上签字
and sign this budget.
好了 干得漂亮
There you go. Good job.
你好 美人儿
Hello, beautiful.
-就这个 -没错
- That one. - Yes.
好了 我左手拿着化学药品
All right. I've got chemicals,
然后我要给自己通电
and I'm about to have electricity.
我会成为下一个闪电侠
I'm gonna be the next Flash.
书呆子
Nerd.
-天哪 好吧 -好痛
- Ooh, okay. - Oh! That hurts!
-看他的腿 -他这是… 要去哪里
- Look at those legs. - Where's he... where's he going?
这些蠢货 为什么要用化学药物
Look at these fools. I mean, what's with the chemicals?
大家都知道闪电侠的超能力
Everyone knows The Flash got his powers
来自一只被辐射污染的猎豹
from a radioactive cheetah.
事实上是有科学依据的
Well, actually, the science holds up.
但如果想要超快速度
But if you want super-speed,you're gonna need
需要更高的电压和更强的化学物质
a way higher voltage and much stronger chemicals.
真的吗
Is that true?
理论上来说是的
Well, yeah, in theory.
你应该试一下 凡
You should try it, Van.
想象一下超能力的感觉 我可以帮你录下来
Imagine the power. I can videotape it.
不不不 那是个糟糕的主意
Oh, no, no, no, no. That's a bad idea.
好啊 去他♥娘♥的♥
Sure. Who gives a shit?
好了 你拿着这个金属杆
All right, you're gonna take this metal pole
在泰迪把化学物质泼向你的时候
and touch it to the electricity
就用金属杆去碰电源
right as Teddy tosses in the chemicals.
对了 如果你要晕倒 记得后背着地
Oh, also, if you pass out, just try to land on your back.
我想让大家看见我的博客短袖
I want people to see my podcast T-shirt.
好
Right.
你知道的 作为你的人类同胞
You know, as a fellow human being,
我得告诉你 这件事十分危险
I have to tell you this is greatly dangerous.
我曾经认为姓韦恩就是我的超能力
I used to think that the name Wayne was my superpower,
但是很明显它啥也不是
but it obviously means nothing.
但如果我真的得到了超能力
But if I had actual superpowers,
我可以让所有嘲笑我的人看看
then I could show all of those people who laughed at me,
什么叫厉害
and then they'd see.
让他们所有人看看
Then they would all see!
我们会不会造一个超级大反派出来
Are we about to create a super villain?
表演时间到了
It's show time!
我确实感觉不一样了
Well, I do feel different.
你...
Are you
还好吗
okay?
是的
Yeah.
我很好
I'm fine.
他速度好快
He's so fast!
天哪 成功了
Oh, my God! It worked!
起作用了
It worked! Ooh!
快看我 你看不到我
Look at me! Oh, you can't look at me,
因为我太快了
'cause I'm too fast!
我在这儿吗 我在这儿吗 我到底在哪
Am I over here? Am I over here? Where am I?
我的天哪
Oh, my God! Oh! Whoo!
怎么会这样
How'd that happen?
臣服在我的速度之下吧
Bow before my speed!
你在搞什么鬼
What the hell are you doing?
你也有这种超能力吗
Oh, you got super-speed too?
来 泰迪脱口秀播客
Here. Teddy Talks podcast.
请在iTunes给我们评五星
Give us five stars on iTunes.
记得订阅哦
Subscribe!
太好玩了 伙计
That was super fun, man.
韦斯特董事长 你收到我的预算书了吗
Chairman West! Uh, did you get my budget?
收到了 做得非常好
Yes. It was quite impressive.
我们从没想过这个部门能这么赚钱
We had no idea this division could be so profitable.
那你是来告诉我 不用开除任何人了吗
So, are you here to tell me I don't have to let go of anybody?
不是
Not exactly.
等等 他们要把部门卖♥♥给莱克斯公♥司♥
Wait, they're selling the division to LexCorp?
你要把我们卖♥♥给我们的对手
You're selling us to our rival!
看到了吧 艾米丽 这才叫开除
See, Emily? That's how you fire someone.
谢了 杰姬 但是为什么
Thanks, Jackie. But why?
我都告诉你我们能盈利多少了
I showed you how profitable we could be.
没错 正因如此交易才能成功
Exactly. That's why the sale went through.
他们去年一直在找买♥♥方想转手
Apparently they've been looking for a buyer
但是收益值问题没解决
over the last year, and the numbers didn't work out
直到你的出现
until you came along.
那我们的工作怎么办
But what's gonna happen to our jobs?
这群有勇气的跳梁小丑
Will this ragtag band of plucky performers
能保住他们珍贵的职位吗
keep their precious positions?
还是会被扫地出门
Or, will they be thrown to the wolves?
下周揭晓
Find out next week!
什么下周
What's next week?
下周人力资源总监会度假回来
Oh, that's when the head of HR gets back from vacation.
听我说 他们叫我们明天去莱克斯公♥司♥
Look. They're calling us into LexCorp tomorrow.
要是想直接开除我们 就没必要这样
They wouldn't do that just to fire us.
她说得对 毕竟我们的专业技能很特别
Yeah, she's right, you know? We have a unique skill set.
共和党投票反对弹劾卢瑟总统
我们不可替代
We're irreplaceable.
伙计们 莱克斯研发团队在这儿
Guys, the LexCorp R&D team is here.
他们想跟我们问好
They wanted to say hello.
我是艾玛 这是我们的设计总监弗雷迪
I'm Emma. This is our chief design officer, Freddie,
我们的主管工程师 唐
our head engineer, Don,
还有旺达 我们的软件总工程师
and Wanda, our lead software engineer.
如果一个叫萨姆·克拉克的假释官问起
If a parole officer named Sam Clarke asks,
我当时不在魅力城
I wasn't in Charm City.
你的假释官也是萨姆
Your parole officer is Sam too?
真诡异
Freaky.
很高兴见到你
So nice to meet you.
所以我们并不独特 而且要被开除
So, we're not unique, and we're all getting fired.
你知道 如果我开除了他们当中一个人
You know, none of this would've happened
这些就都不会发生了
if I had just fired one of them.
这是一个很艰难的选择
Well, it's a tough decision to make.
要开就开温蒂
It was gonna be Wendy.
我们可能都会丢掉工作
Well, we might all be losing our jobs,
但是并不意味着以后不会见面
but it doesn't mean we won't still see each other.
我的意思是 毕竟我们是一家人
I mean, we're family.
亲爱的 我们不是一家人
Oh, honey, we're not family.
我们都只是工作伙伴
We're all work buddies.
当然 我会说我们以后要保持联♥系♥
Sure, we'll say we're gonna keep in touch,
但是其实直到我们其中一个死了
but we're not gonna see each other
我们才会再聚首
until one of us dies.
最先死的会是温蒂
Which is gonna be Wendy.
你知道吗 你错了
You know what? You're wrong.
这是一生的羁绊
This is a bond for life.
温蒂的葬礼上再见
See you at Wendy's funeral.
白♥痴♥
Idiots.
伙计们 这里简直完美
Guys, this place is perfect.
很遗憾我们来这儿是被开除的