无能为力（2017）

All right, everyone.
疯子医生
Doctor Psycho.
他是学医的
He went to medical school.
我们上车吧
We should get on the bus.
这里说如果毒气浓度上升到一定程度
It says that if the gas reaches critical levels,
整座建筑就会被封锁...
the whole building will go into lock...
已启动紧急封锁程序
Emergency lockdown procedure initiated.
已启动紧急封锁程序 请不要惊慌
请勿惊慌
Stay calm.
我赌五百块是毒气袭击[吸毒气] 亚历克斯
I'll take "Unknown gas attacks" for 500, Alex.
你看...
Get...
没想到毒气消散
I can't believe they think it's going to take 12 hours
居然要12小时
for the gas to disperse.
杰姬吃了自动贩卖♥♥机里的玉米卷
That's what they said
他们也是这么说的
when Jackie ate that vending machine burrito.
脸疼吗
In yo face!
怎么会这样
I can't believe this is happening.
我好希望出游放松下啊
Ugh, I needed this retreat so bad.
如果这句话能安慰到你的话
Well, if it makes you feel any better, Emily,
这一切都怪你
this is all your fault.
要不是你让我们等多萝西
If you didn't make us wait for Dorothy,
我们早就在去海岸市的车上
we'd be on a bus to Coast City right now,
阻止温蒂在别人脸上画鸡鸡了
asking Wendy to stop drawing penises on people's faces.
那就别睡觉啊
Then stop falling asleep.
天哪 多萝西
Oh, my God, Dorothy.
要是她困在外面吸毒气怎么办
Hey, what if she's stuck out there in the gas?
其实...
Actually...
她已经到那边了
she's already at the retreat.
-好极了 -这次出游简直是糟糕透顶
- Great. - Okay, this is officially the worst retreat ever.
大家听我的 别担心 好吗
Guys, I'm in charge. Don't freak out, okay?
放轻松 吸气
Relax. Breathe in.
呼气
Breathe out.
天哪 我的直升机因为毒气来不了了
Oh, my God. My chopper can't make it because of the gas.
我们只能一起困在这里了
We're all gonna be stuck in here together.
我要慌了
I'm freaking out!
怎么会这样
I can't believe this is happening.
等等
Okay, hold on, hold on.
我有办法
I can fix this.
我们也可以在这里玩 做团建呀
Now, there is no reason we can't have fun and bond here.
我还带了卡拉OK机 所以...
You know, I've got my karaoke machine, and...
不要
No!
那K歌♥待定
So that's a maybe on the karaoke,
但给我20分钟 我会凑出个东西来
but give me 20 minutes, and I will throw something together
你们会喜欢的
you guys will love.
我宁愿赌一把毒气
I'd rather take my chances with the gas.
我觉得我们都宁愿你这么做
I think we'd all rather you did that.
杰姬 你能捡一下我刚掉了的麦克风吗
Jackie, could you get that microphone I just dropped?
你没明白因为你知道这不是真的
You didn't get it because you know it's not real.
夏威夷风情酒吧
好啦
All right.
我没有太多时间
I didn't have a ton of time,
这些是我的备用装饰
and these are my backup decorations,
所以别太苛求我
so go easy on me.
好 谁要来一杯燃烧的火山
Okay, who wants a flaming volcano?
没错 我保证你会超燃的
Yep. I guarantee you'll lava them.
你要愿意 我可以让我的人把它糊你脸上
If you want, I can get my guys to punch that up for you.
为了消磨时间 我拿了一堆好玩的游戏
And to pass the time, I have a bunch of fun games.
就和我们出游的感觉一样
It'll be just like we're at the retreat.
-所以有皮划艇吗 -没有
- So there's kayaking? - Well, no.
-帆伞滑翔呢 -没
- Parasailing? - No.
-水上滑板 -没
- Wakeboarding? - No,
你们再开口之前我想说
and before anyone asks another one,
我们困在办公室
we are trapped in the office,
你们非常熟悉这里的局限性
the limitations of which you are very familiar.
白水漂流呢
White water rafting?
闭嘴 泰迪
Shut up, Teddy.
我来说说我们有些什么
I'll tell you what we do have.
凯莉·克莱森唱K精选
Kelly Clarkson's greatest hits on karaoke!
不要
No!
好吧 回到待定选项
Okay, back in the maybe pile.
可能四杯火山下肚让我语无伦次
You know, this might be the four volcanoes talking,
但我不完全讨厌现在这样
but I don't totally hate this.
是啊 我也不讨厌
Yeah, I don't hate this either.
我挺讨厌的 但没有我想象中那么讨厌
I do hate this, but not as much as I thought I would.
我被告知现在不适合讲笑话
I'm being told this is a bad joke area...
不管怎样 我也觉得不很糟糕
anyway, I'm also not having a hellish time.
伙计们 我觉得我们欠某人一个大大的感谢
Guys, I think we owe somebody a big thank you.
不用的啦
Awe, guys.
敬酒精
To alcohol!
敬酒精
To alcohol!
谁想玩一局荒岛伴侣游戏
Well, who wants to play a game of desert island companion?
是要选一个人一起进衣柜
Is that where you pick someone to go in a closet with you
吸脸七分钟吗
for seven minutes to suck face?
我选凡
'Cause I choose Van.
我们走吧
Let's go.
不 不
Uh, no. No, no.
我们没有确定游戏是这么玩的
We have no confirmation that that is the game.
不是这个游戏
That's not the game.
不是这个游戏 温蒂 不是这个游戏
That is not the game, Wendy, that is not the game.
如果你被困在荒岛上
You pick one person you'd wanna be paired with
你要选择一个人作为同伴
if you were stranded on a deserted island.
这是个团建游戏
It's a team building game.
杰姬 你会选谁
Jackie, who would you pick?
我会自己去
I'd go by myself.
好吧 假设你自己去了
Okay, let's say if you went by yourself,
你就会饿死
you would starve to death.
-没关系 -噢
- That's fine. - Oh.
我会选凡 因为他有钱而且...
I'd pick Van because he's rich, and...
人们可能会来找他
people would probably look for him.
另外 从他脆弱的指甲能看出
Also, I can tell by his brittle nails
他缺铁
that he has an iron deficiency,
所以到了第十天
so by day ten...
我就能比他更有力
I'd be able to overpower him,
到时我就把他吃掉
and then I'd eat him.
一点点吃
Piece by piece.
让他还活着 肉就不会腐烂
While he was still alive so that the meat doesn't spoil,
我就能活更长时间 直到被人救走
and I could survive long enough to be rescued.
泰迪 到你了
Teddy, you're up!
团建超逊的
Well... Team building is super lame,
但很明显 如果我要选的话
but obviously, if I had to pick somebody,
我会选我的兄弟罗恩 因为他是我兄弟
I would pick my boy, Ron, because he's my boy.
罗恩 你呢
Ron, what about you?
-我知道 我选... -说吧
- Oh, I know, I'd pick... - Go ahead.
说吧
Go ahead.
-杰姬 -尴尬
- Jackie. - Awkward!
你怎么不选我
How are you not picking me?
只是杰姬既聪明又实在 再说
It's just that Jackie's smart and practical, and plus,
她是个妈妈所以她包包里会装零食
she's a mom so you know she keeps snacks in her purse.
好吧 但我们是最好的朋友
Yeah, but we're best friends.
如果要实际的话 我会选艾米丽
If we were doing practical, I would've picked Emily.
泰迪 你真...
Aww, Teddy, that...
但我不想和艾米丽一起
But I don't want to spend time with Emily.
我想和我的兄弟共度时光
I wanna hang out with my bro!
好吧 如果你非要知道
Fine, look, if you must know,
你对什么都不满意
it's just that nothing's ever good enough for you.
如果是在荒岛上
And if you're on a desert island,
你必须保持乐观
you must remain positive.
汤姆·汉克斯在排球上画个笑脸
There's a reason why Tom Hanks put a smiley face
是有原因的
on that volleyball.
拜托 那个排球的表情顶多是迷茫
Oh, come on, at best, that volleyball looked nonplussed.
他当时不知所措
He was bewildered.
我不会带上泰迪