无能为力（2017）

Unless...
这下就来得及参加外公外婆的金婚纪念日啦
And now I can make it to my grandparents' 50th anniversary.
你可以不用这么多戏
I could do without the backstory.
抱歉 我在学即兴表演
Sorry. I'm taking an improv class.
好的 低温解冻模式没问题了
Okay, so we've mastered low temperatures.
加热试试看
Now, let's heat things up.
爆米花
太棒了 泰迪 这绝对是神器
Holy crap. Teddy, these are a game-changer.
评委们看到你这双手套就会说
The judges are gonna see your gloves and say,
韦恩安全公♥司♥与韦恩X部门一样重要
Wayne Security is just as relevant as Wayne X
能做出这种产品的人们绝对不是无名小卒
and the guys who made this is most definitely not a nobody.
我当然不是无名小卒
Of course I'm not a nobody,
但是评委就那样 总是变化莫测
but you know judges, they're unpredictable,
要是他们很蠢 没有选我的作品
and if they were dumb and they didn't pick mine,
我也还是一样
I mean, I'm still obviously
聪明绝顶 而且...
immensely talented and--
天哪
Oh, my God.
包里还剩玉米粒
There's still kernels left in the bag.
那又如何 爆米花总会剩玉米粒的
So what? There's always kernels left in the bag.
不行 手套还不够完美
Okay, the gloves aren't ready.
热量散发不均匀
There's not an even distribution of heat
而且我们还没检查你是否出现了皮疹
and we haven't even checked to see if you get a rash.
-手套已经可以了 -不可以
- They are ready. - They're not,
这样的产品我不能提交出去
and I can't submit a product that's not ready.
这样对手套也不好
It's not fair to the gloves.
但是两分钟前 你还说...
But two minutes ago, you just--
包里剩了玉米粒 艾米丽
There's kernels in the bag, Emily.
包里居然剩了玉米粒
There's kernels in the bag!
他妈的包里居然还他妈有玉米粒
There's kernels in the bag!
怎么了 身材火♥辣♥的窝囊废
What's up, really hot loser?
你们的参赛作品搞定了吗
You guys get your submission in?
我们有个好产品
We've got something.
但实在太超前了
It is just so ahead of its time
我们打算明年再提交
we're gonna hold off submitting it till next year.
承认吧 你是个无名小卒
Admit it. You're a nobody,
你的同事也是无名小卒
you work with nobodies,
你最大的希望就是嫁给我们这样的人
and the best you could hope for is to marry one of us.
我告诉你 塞恩 你会后悔说了这句话
You know what, Zane? You're gonna regret saying that
因为你让我决定报名参赛了
because you just convinced us to submit,
而我们会赢的
and we're gonna win.
又是一场塞恩与艾米丽相爱相杀的经典大戏
It's classic Zane and Emily will they, won't they.
你今天怎么比平时还要洋洋自得
Why do you look smugger than usual?
你平时已经自视甚高了
Which is already so incredibly smug.
那是因为我们部门很快就会拿到
Well, because this division is going to win
韦恩创新奖
the Wayne Innovation Prize.
我提交了泰迪的手套
I submitted Teddy's gloves.
-别告诉我你真这么做了 -有何不可
- Please tell me you didn't. - Why not?
我给你讲个故事吧
Let me tell you a little story.
五年前 泰迪参加了一场比赛
Five years ago, Teddy entered a competition
重新设计韦恩工业的logo
to redesign the Wayne Industries logo.
你为何要用这么阴森森的语气
Why are you using an ominous voice?
待会你就知道了
You'll see.
他雄心勃勃地报了名
He threw himself into the competition,
确定自己一定能赢
and convinced himself that he was going to win,
后来他输了 冲所有人发泄了一通
and then when he didn't, he lashed out at everyone...
然后开始自我惩罚
And started punishing himself.
得了吧
Oh, come on.
他开始穿短裤
He took to wearing cargo shorts,
佛罗里达州坦帕湾 摩天轮
换成了外出休假的邮箱地址
switched to an AOL email address,
一次性休了所有假期
and used all of his vacation days
-去了坦帕湾 -坦帕湾
- to go to Tampa. - Tampa?
坦帕湾都不算中佛罗里达的好景点
That's not even the nicest part of Central Florida.
算了 这不重要 反正我们会赢
Anyways, it doesn't matter because we're going to win.
最好如此
You better hope so,
否则你会让泰迪崩溃的
otherwise you're about to break Teddy.
坦帕
Tampa.
你别这么说话
Stop using that voice.
泰迪
So, Teddy...
我觉得你的手套非常棒
I thought your gloves were brilliant...
所以我帮它们报名参赛了
and I entered them into the contest.
我说了手套还不行 你居然擅自做主
I told you they weren't ready and you went behind my back?
-泰迪... -别这么叫我
- Teddy, I- - Don't "Teddy" Me.
你这分明是赤♥裸♥裸的背叛
This is the ultimate betrayal.
你比温蒂那次都过分
This is worst than the time
她当时跟我买♥♥了同款眼镜
that Wendy bought the same glasses as me.
-太没礼貌了 -等等
- That was awful! - Okay, hold on!
如果我说
How would you feel
你进了决赛呢
if I told you you're in the finals?
-我进了决赛吗 -那可不是嘛
- I'm in the finals? - You bet your sweet ass.
天哪
Oh, my God.
我都不知道居然还有决赛
I mean, I didn't even know there were finals.
毕竟我的手套那么牛逼
I mean, obviously they're dope gloves.
只是不知道有多牛逼
I just didn't know how dope.
显然答案是最牛逼
Apparently the answer was the dopest.
艾米丽 谢谢你让我意识到
Emily, thank you for making me realize
我是个赢家
I'm a winner.
或者是决赛选手
Or a finalist.
太棒了
Yes!
根本没有决赛 你是胡诌的
There are no finals. You just made that up.
我不知道该怎么办
I didn't know what to do.
我看到他的眼神
I could see it in his eyes,
感觉他马上就要飞去坦帕了
he was already halfway to Tampa.
会没事的
It'll all be fine, right?
妈 爸 是我
Mom, Dad, yeah.
我有重大消息要宣布 不是女朋友
I got huge news. No, not a girlfriend,
不过你们听完肯定会很自豪的
but you're still gonna be proud of me.
我有预感 最终这场闹剧的结局
I have a feeling this is all gonna end with a call
会是布希花♥园♥验尸官办公室的一通电♥话♥
from the Busch Gardens Coroner's Office.
一定会很冷的
It's gonna be cold.
目前温度 -2摄氏度
-罗恩 -凡
- Ron! - Van?
你不是在跟你女朋友还有她儿子一起度假吗
I thought you were on vacation with your girlfriend and her son?
遇到问题了
We have a problem.
最后发现迪伦是个女孩名字
Evidently, Dylan, that's a girl's name,
她并不喜欢你组装的玩具车
and she does not like that car you built.
你就是想跟我妈上♥床♥
You're just trying to have sex with my mom.
没错 刚才不是说过了吗
Yeah, we've established that.
我给你发了一个神奇女侠玩具飞机
Look, I have sent you a toy Wonder Woman jet.
你得帮我组装起来
I need you to put that together
再快递给我
and have it couriered to me.
那架飞机不是隐形的吗
Isn't her jet invisible?
是的
Yes.
组装起来肯定很麻烦
Assembly is gonna be a bitch.
罗恩 你得学会划清界限
Ron, you have to set boundaries,
不要让别人占你便宜
and not let people take advantage of you.
你觉得要不是苏珊把车钥匙藏起来
Do you think I would have stopped having sex in Susan's car
我会放弃在她车里做♥爱♥吗
if she hadn't started hiding her keys?
你现在还是在她车里做♥爱♥啊
You still have sex in Susan's car.
重点是他会一直这样利用你
The point is he is not gonna stop taking advantage of you
除非你懂得抗争
unless you push back,
如果你现在不抗争的话
and if you don't push back now,
总有一天 你会爆发
one day, you're going to explode.
谢谢你的关心 但我已经长大了
I appreciate your concern, but I'm a big boy
我能判断自己是不是被人占便宜
and I know when I'm being taken advantage of.
好吧
Fine.
-你能把车钥匙给我吗 -好啊
- Hey, can I have your car keys? - Oh, sure.
窝囊废 要跟我出去约会吗
Hey, loser. You wanna go out with me?
不要 你怎么会这么想
No. Why would you think that?
因为我一直在狠狠碾压你
because I've been negging you hard.
掘客网上的帖子都说这招管用
All of Reddit said this would work.
你们怎么会下来
What're you doing down here?