无能为力（2017）

No, we're talking about this right now.
朋友之间不该放鸽子
Friends don't stand each other up.
朋友应该发条短♥信♥ 附带无数悲伤表情
They send a text with enough sad emojis
以表示内心的歉疚
to make you feel how sorry they are.
这是优步拼车吗 我订的不是拼车单
Is this an UberPOOL? 'Cause I didn't select pool.
这不是拼车
It is not a pool.
我只是在请这位小流浪妹离开我的车
I was just telling this little homeless lady to get out of my car.
我正在做兼♥职♥赚外快 懂不
I'm trying to make a little extra cash on the side, okay?
你为什么不跟我说呢
Why didn't you just tell me that?
咱们到底走不走啊
So are we going or what?
你听到了 赶紧出去 运动流浪妹
You heard her. Get out of my car, sporty hobo.
小瓶水要吗
Tiny water bottle?
杰姬 我不知道你为什么
Jackie, I'm not sure why you-
我就直话直说了 这也是你爱我的品质之一
I'm gonna be direct, which is something you love about me.
当然
Oh, yeah.
我女儿露比的班上
My daughter Ruby's class
要去六旗市旅行
is taking a trip to Six Flags Metropolis.
要交五百块钱 现在我手头有点紧
It's $500, and money's a little tight right now.
我也不希望公♥司♥里的那群人♥渣♥知道
I really don't need any of these human bedbugs knowing that,
鉴于你这么担心 我不是优步司机
so as far as you're concerned, I am not an Uber driver.
可是红狐女走了
Yeah, but with Crimson Fox gone,
你可能会被打劫 或是被南瓜人杰克的火球砸到
you could get mugged or get hit by Jack-O-Lantern's fireball.
你这样拉着陌生人到处跑 并不安全
It's just not safe for you to be driving strangers around.
好吧
All right.
谁拉着陌生人到处跑了
Who drives strangers around?
没人 什么人都没有
No one, not one person ever.
你从哪里学来的这些
Where'd you learn that?
我有两个兄弟
I have two brothers.
你有两个兄弟吗 是哥哥还是弟弟
Oh, you have two brothers? Older or younger?
别再跟我套近乎了
Please stop bonding with me.
-你要是想跟我... -我不想跟你聊
- Listen, if you need- - I don't want to talk about it,
而且我不希望你把这事给"艾米丽"了
and I really don't want you to "Emily" this.
矮油 大家都把我的名字当动词用了吗
Aww, people are using my name as a verb?
我不会"艾米丽"这件事
I will not Emily this.
我不想太大张旗鼓
So I don't want to make this a big thing,
但是某位不愿意透露姓名的人
but someone who I'm not going to mention
需要我们的帮助
needs a little help.
你是想"艾米丽"什么事吗
Oh, are you trying to Emily something?
先说好 我们是不会给杰姬钱的
Look, we're not gonna give money to Jackie
除非我们知道钱的用途
unless we know what it's for.
可是她让我别说...该死
Well, she told me not to-Damn it.
我就知道是杰姬
I knew it was Jackie.
你简直比魔术师大卫·布莱恩还会玩
Now, that was some David Blaine shit.
你们不能跟别人说起
Okay, this cannot be repeated.
她孩子需要五百块钱参加学校旅行
Her kid needs $500 for a school trip.
我们每人出一点 帮她凑一凑吧
I thought we could all pitch in to help her out.
杰姬不会要我们的钱
Jackie is never gonna take our money.
她超级注重隐私
She is crazy private.
我想了一个很天才的办法
I have a pretty genius way around that.
-你打算"泰迪"一下 -什么意思
- Oh, so you're gonna Teddy it. - What's that?
意思就是本来想把自己名字变成动词
Well, that's-That's when you try to turn your name
但是失败了
into a verb unsuccessfully.
你被"温蒂"了
You just got Wendy-ed.
除了"我是贱♥人♥" 其他人跟我来办公室
Everyone in my office except I'ma Bitch.
你留下吧
You can stay here.
T恤上根本不是这么写的
That's not even what the shirt said.
《神勇三蛟龙》
The Three Amigos,
《三个火枪手》
the Three Musketeers,
活力二人组
the Dynamic Duo...
还有你
and you.
你们以为自己很清白
I bet you thought you were in the clear,
可是在案发时间
but you're the only three people who were in the office
只有你们三个在办公室
when the crime was committed.
我清楚得很 我查过日志了
I know. I checked the logs.
我就是想提一句
I just want to point out
你要查的是拉屎案
that we're talking about a poop crime,
可你说的却是"日之"
and you said "Logs."
说得有理
That's fair.
是谁干的
Who did this?
凡 你没必要这样 不是我们
Van, this is silly. It wasn't us.
佩德罗 请进来一下好吗
Pedro, could you come in here, please?
我叫皮特 谢谢
It's, uh, Peter, sir.
佩德罗 你昨天
Pedro, when you entered
在打扫我的私人卫生间时
into my personal bathroom yesterday to clean it,
发现了什么
what did you find?
我发现了一个小剪刀
Oh, there were these small scissors
还在马桶旁边发现了
and all these clumps of short, curly hairs
一撮撮卷曲的短毛
all around the base of the bowl.
不是这个
Not that!
我跟你说了 不是这个...
I told you, not that. Wh--
另一个东西
The other thing.
《非凡》
是这本杂♥志♥ 先生
This magazine, sir.
谢谢你 佩德里托
Thank you, Pedrito.
我叫皮特
It's Peter.
目击证人可以退下了
Witness excused.
再见
Adios.
这是谁的东西
Who does this belong to?
是谁在一边上大号♥一边看杂♥志♥
Who was perusing while they were number twos-ing?
快点 我这是在给你们告发朋友的机会
Come on, people, I'm giving you an opportunity to snitch on a friend.
我上寄宿学校的时候最期待这个了
I used to live for this in boarding school.
不是我们干的
None of us did it.
好吧
All right.
你们还挺团结 那行
You're sticking together, okay.
那就看看你们能坚持多久
No, well, let's see how long that lasts
看我把你们的工位...
once I move your workspaces...
改到第二会议室
to Conference Room...B.
等等 第二会议室是哪里
Wait, what's Conference Room B?
请进
Please, come in.
带好你们的办公物品
Take in your surroundings,
因为接下来你们就要在这个小黑屋工作了
because this hellscape is where you will be living
除非有人告诉我是谁干的
until someone tells me who did it.
好吧 所以这个会议室
Okay, so, uh, what was so bad
是有什么不好的地方来着
about this conference room, again?
你们大概注意到了这里恐怖的灯光
I think you may have noticed the terrifying lighting.
不是吧
Oh, come on.
-就这么简单 -没错
- Yeah, that's it. - That's it.
那就听听这个
Well, let me tell you this.
这些椅子 是老版本的
These chairs... are the old ones,
没有升级过
before the upgrade.
没办法旋转
They're unable to spin.
其实 只要伸手到这里
Actually, you need to just reach back here,
动一下这个小部件 然后...
hit this little doohickey, and...
想怎么转就怎么转
you could go wherever you want.
搞定
I got it. Hee!
太棒啦
Yeah, whee!
你们可以尽情欢呼
All right, "Whee" all you want,
不过记好我这句话
but let me put this little notion in your ear.
没有人在冒犯完凡德维尔·韦恩之后
No one crosses Vanderveer Wayne
还能毫发无损全身而退
and gets out clean on the other side.
场面会非常难看
It's about to get nasty.
您好 请问是福莱老师吗
Hi there, are you Mrs. Fry?
我是 你是家长吗
Yes, are-are you a parent?
我 家长
Me, a parent?
太好笑了 我特别年轻
That's hilarious. I'm super young.
是这样的 我一个好朋友的女儿
Look, uh, one of my good friends has a daughter
在你班上 叫露比
in your class, Ruby?
我想低调点给你这张支票
I just wanted to drop off this check,
帮她支付班级旅行的费用
you know, on the down-low for her class trip.
什么班级旅行
What class trip?
你们不是要去六旗市吗
You're all going to Six Flags Metropolis.