爱你，维克托

太好听了 要小心咯 亚当李维
That sounds great. Look out... Adam Levine.
嘿 听着 律师那边有些好消息
Hey, look, I got some good news from the lawyers.
你的记录终于可以删除了
We were finally able to get your record expunged.
什么意思
What does... What does that mean?
意味着从法律角度来说 你之前没喝过酒
Well, it means from a legal perspective,
也没开我的车去过温蒂快餐厅
you didn't get drunk and drive my car into a Wendy's.
我都不知道你可以做到这一点
I... I didn't know you could just... make it go away like that.
好吧 这花了一年半时间 也花了不少钱
Well, it took a year and a half and cost an arm and a leg,
顶尖大学不喜欢学生有犯罪记录
but, you know, top colleges don't like kids
所以 这也是无奈之举
with felonies on the record. So, it is what it is.
是啊 对不起
Right. I'm sorry.
不 这不是我…
No, that's not what...
听着 这是好事 班吉
Look, this is a good thing, Benj.
这下我们就再也不用 考虑那天的事了 对吗
Now, we never have to think about that embarrassing day ever again, right?
嘿 班吉 你能暂停一下吗
Hey, Benji, can you pause that for a second?
行啊 怎么了
Yeah, sure. What's up?
我刚才在更新升级我的苹果平板电脑 它跟家庭云端同步了
So, I was just updating my iPad, and, uh, it synced to the family cloud,
显然你的笔记本里有些照片
and, obviously, there were pictures from your laptop on there.
什么照片
What pictures?
光着上身的男人 没穿裤子的男人 有张照片里的男人 没穿任何可以被叫做衣服的东西
Pictures of shirtless men, pictures of pantless men, pictures of... Name an article of clothing, there was a picture of a man not wearing that.
Uh...
哦 天啊 我想我知道是怎么回事了
Oh... Oh God. Um... I-I think I know what happened.
我把笔记本借给了露西 她太痴迷男色了
I lent my laptop to Lucy, and she is just completely boy-crazy.
谢天谢地
Oh, thank God.
有那么一刻我还以为
Oh, for a second there, I thought...
我并不是说同志有什么不对
I mean, not that there's anything wrong with being gay.
我只是没想着自己的儿子会是同志
I just never thought my son would be, you know?
因为我不是
Because I'm not.
两位亲爱的 我最爱的两个男人在聊什么呢
Hello, darlings. What are my two favorite guys up for?
玛格丽特 天啊 你会大吃一惊的 刚刚发生了最搞笑的事
Morgan, oh my God. You're gonna die. The funniest thing just happened.
好啊 好好讲给我听听
Oh good. I need a good story.
有人来告诉我
不会有事的
有人来告诉我不会有事的
如果有人曾经历过
现在就告诉我 因为我只是需要听到这句话
你跟你舅舅怎么样了
Uh, so h-how are things with your uncle?
他还是恐同 所以他在的时候 我得穿灯芯绒衬衫
Still homophobic enough that I have to wear corduroy around him,
不是时尚的那种
and not chic corduroy.
是粗犷的那种
Rugged corduroy.
你妈妈呢 工作怎么样
Well, uh, how's your mom? H-how are... How are things at work?
别兜圈子了 想问什么就问吧
Stop stalling and ask me what you want to ask me already.
-班吉辅♥导♥的事怎么样了 -行了
- How's tutoring Benji going? - There it is!
我就坐在这儿呢 不该听你们的对话吗
I'm sitting right here. Am I supposed to not eavesdrop?
我们走
Let's go.
怪事 你们俩现在倒成了朋友 可他却不跟我说话
It's just weird that now you guys are friends, and he still won't talk to me.
我明白大家都觉得这么做
I understand that everyone thinks that this is what's best
最有利于他恢复 但跟一个关心在乎你的人 讲几句话能怎么样
for his recovery, but how bad is it to talk to the person that cares about you more than anything?
维克托 我这么说是出于关爱
Victor, I say this with love.
别再纠结班吉的事
Stop obsessing over Benji
不然我就把自己的脑袋 伸进咖啡研磨机里并把它调到十挡
or I'm going to stuff my head in that coffee grinder and crank it to 10.
-想听听我的建议吗 -不想
- If you want my advice... - No.
忘掉一个人的最好办法 就是搭上另一个人
the best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else.
我其实赞同这位帅气但粗鲁的小哥
I actually agree with handsome and crude here.
我确实下载了你告诉我的那个
Well, I did download that dating app
-交友软件 -不会吧 真的吗
- you told me about. - No way. Really?
哦 天啊 瞧啊 你居然就在我面前
Oh my God. Look at you. You're four and a half feet away from me.
维克托 这算哪门子介绍
Victor, what is this profile?
没有照片 也没有名字
No picture, no name.
像连环杀手似的
Serial killer vibes.
我还没准备好露脸
It's just, you know, I'm not ready to put my face out there yet.
好吧 但你总得透露点什么 所以
Okay, but you really have to give people something to work with, so...
-你的名字是… -迭戈
- Your name is... - Diego.
你强壮 危险
You're strong, dangerous,
在床上很狂野
wild in bed.
这你倒是出人意料地很擅长嘛
You're weirdly good at this.
-谢谢 -行了 迭戈 你今年22岁
- Thank you. - Okay. Diego. You're 22.
我来找你一张看上去像你的身体照片
Hold on. Let me find a torso pic that looks like you.
想用我的照片吗
Do you want one of mine?
我手♥机♥里99%都是裸体自♥拍♥
My phone is, like, 99% shirtless selfies.
-一点都不意外 -一点都不意外 -一点都不意外
- Of course, it is. - Of course, it is. -Of course, it is.
你能松开我的手吗
Can you let go of my hand?
皮拉尔 你♥爸♥妈 现在已经知道我们的事 好吗
Pilar, your parents know about us, okay?
我们不用再遮遮掩掩的了 最重要的是绝不松开
We don't need to hide our love. On top of that, never letting go.
我得把钥匙拿出来
I need to get out my keys.
-是啊 好吧 -好吧
- Right. Yeah. - Yeah.
我的家人们
¡Mi familia!
皮拉尔 进来
Pilar, inside.
嘿 没什么事吧
Hey, is everything okay?
-你回家去 -等等 怎么… -我家以后不欢迎你来
- You go home. - Whoa, whoa, whoa... - You are not welcome here anymore.
不可理喻 你是在开玩笑吗
I can't believe you. Are you kidding me?
刚才那是什么意思 怎么了
What was that? What's going on?
这些是在你房♥间里找到的
We found these in your room.
你说过你们没发♥生♥关♥系♥
You said you weren't having sex.
好吧 我知道这会让人误会 但我们没有 我发誓
Okay. I know how it looks, but we're not. I promise.
菲利克斯甚至都不知道我有这个
Felix doesn't even know I have that.
你觉得我们得有多蠢
How stupid do you think we are?
冷静 听我说…
If you just calm down and listen to me...
不 我不想再听你说什么了 你要当着我的面撒多少次谎
No, I am done listening to you. How many times do you think
你被禁足了 现在把手♥机♥交出来
you can lie to my face? You're grounded. Now, give me your phone.
妈妈 你能叫爸爸冷静下来吗
Mom, can you tell Dad to chill?
你误会了 我并不站在你那边
You are under the mistaken impression that I'm on your side.
你之前就是站在那儿跟我们说的 “不会再有事瞒着我们了”
You stood there and you told us no more secrets.
可接着我们就在你房♥间里找到了这些 把手♥机♥交给你♥爸♥爸 皮拉尔
And then, we find these in your room! Give him your phone, Pilar!
你们太不可理喻了
You guys are being so crazy!
还有笔记本电脑 平板电脑和手表
Laptop, iPad, and your watch.
-为什么手表也要交出来 -因为手表能发短♥信♥
- Why her watch? - Because watches have texting.
手表是天美时的 发不了短♥信♥
It's a Timex.
那行 手表不用交了 回你的房♥间去
All right, fine. Just keep the watch, and go to your room.
抱歉 我们打烊了
喜欢你的身体照 有露脸的吗
Love your headless torso. Do you have a face to go with it?
看看现在谁开口了
Ha. Look who's talking.
除非你是那种喜欢夜生活的同志 那样的话 我表示道歉
Unless you're a gay sunset that's learned how to spell, in which case, I apologize.
我其实不喜欢夜生活 但我接受你的道歉
Actually, I'm a gay sunrise, but I accept your apology.
我不喜欢白天 起不了早
No sunrises for me. I'm not a morning person.
看啊 我们的第一个共同之处
Look at that. Our first thing in common.
你平常都干什么
So, what do you do for fun?
等一下 你在我房♥间里干什么
Wait, what are you doing in my room?
冷静 我才不在乎你有肖恩蒙德兹的日历
Oh, calm down. I don't care that you have a Shawn Mendes calendar.
我那是开玩笑得来的
Oh, yeah. I-I just got it as a joke.
肯定是 你的对讲机呢
Sure. Where's your walkie-talkie?
就是菲利克斯给你的那部
The one that Felix gave you.
等一下 告诉我出什么事了
Wait. Tell me what's going on.
爸妈在我房♥间里发现了避孕药
Mom and Dad found birth control in my room.
什么 你跟菲利克斯…
What? Are you and Felix...
没有 我只是想做好准备
No. I just wanted to be ready if we did.
爸妈不相信我 老爸很生气 收走了我的手♥机♥
But, Mom and Dad don't believe me, and Dad went batshit and took my phone,
我真的需要对讲机跟菲利克斯联♥系♥
so I really need that walkie-talkie to talk to Felix.
要讲话时按侧面的按钮就行
Well, um, just press the button on the side if you wanna talk...
行了 我自己会搞明白的 维克托 这只是七岁小孩的玩具
Okay. I'll figure it out, Victor. It's a toy for a 7-year-old.
-那么 你长什么样子 -挺帅的 大家肯定都会这么说
- So, what do you look like? - I'm cute, but I'm sure everyone says that.
你不是什么6♥4♥岁的怪胎吧
You're not some 6♥4♥-year-old weirdo, are you?
别担心 我不是连环杀手 但我肯定所有连环杀手都会这么说
Don't worry. Not an ax murderer. But, I'm sure all ax murderers say that.
那你现在在干什么呢
So, what are you doing right now?
想去朱迪饼干店 一起玩变装宾果游戏吗
Want to meet at Kooky Judy's for drag queen bingo?
好吧
Cool.
维克托
Victor?
班吉
Benji?
嘿 你怎么会来这儿
Hey, what are you doing here?
我是来跟人见面的
I'm just, uh, meeting someone.
你呢
You?
我也是
Yeah. Uh, same.
好吧
- Oh. - Yeah.
你就是卢卡斯吗