娃娃脸

我是梅丽莎
"Ooh, I'm Melyssa.
我很瘦 头发闪亮
I'm so skinny and my hair's so shiny
我拼错自己的名字
and I spell my own name wrong."
大家好 我是雷蒙娜
Hey, y'all, it's Ramona!
别留语♥音♥ 已经2019年了
Don't leave a voicemail, it's 2019!
雷蒙娜 我是茱尔斯
Hey, Ramona, it's Jules.
就是打来问问
Just, uh, casually calling to check in.
迫不及待想去你的婚礼了
Um, just getting so excited for your wedding.
说到你的婚礼 天
Speaking of your wedding, um, God,
你肯定忙着收到
you must be so busy getting all your RSVPs
你朋友 你家人 你弟弟
from your friends and your family and your brother
以及他可能带可能不会带的伴的确认邮件
and any plus-one he may or may not be bringing.
他准备带伴吗
Is he, um, bringing anybody?
因为我不在乎
Uh, because I don't care.
我只是想确保你知道我不在乎
And I'm just making sure that you know that I don't care.
总之 这根本不是我打来的原因
Anyway, that is not even why I'm calling.
我打来是说
Um, I'm calling to say...
拜拜的
bye!
酷外婆 你个骚货
Cool grandma, you fucking slut.
不
No!
911 请问你有什么急事
911, what is your emergency?
我好像点赞了我前男友新女友的Instagram
I think I just liked my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's Instagram.
保持冷静 女士
Remain calm, ma'am.
那照片是多久前的
How many weeks back was the photo from?
342天
Three hundred and forty-two.
我的天 这简直是灾难
Good God! That's a fucking disaster!
烧掉你的手♥机♥ 然后自杀
Burn your phone and then kill yourself!
什么 你是911 别叫我自杀
What?! You're 911, don't tell me to kill myself!
好 别慌 尽管你应该慌
Okay, don't panic. Even though you definitely should.
救护人员已经赶过去了
The paramedics are on their way.
算了 我取消点赞就是
Oh, you know what, I'm just gonna unlike the photo.
不 天啊 不要
No, God, no!
我取消了点赞 然后又点赞了一遍
Um, I... also I unliked it, but then I liked it again.
在哪
Where is it?
你知道她开了通知吗
Do you know if she has notifications turned on?
-不知道 -你们有共同关注者吗
- I--I don't know. - Do you have followers in common?
应该没有 杰瑞米估计是
I don't think so. Ooh, I guess Jeremy?
-无望了 -我们不能这么说 艾米
- This is hopeless. - We're not supposed to say that, Amy.
-你多久前点赞的 -30秒前
- How long ago did you like it? - Thirty seconds.
她看到了
She's seen it.
女士 请站进来
Ma'am, we're gonna need you to step inside.
娃娃脸
第一季 第七集
好啊 奥利弗
What's up, Oliver?
爸爸回家了
Daddy's home!
我最爱的看♥房♥♥人怎么样
How's my favorite house-sitter?
我很好 但你的琴叶榕情况不太好
I'm fine, but your fiddle-leaf is going through something.
雷死 从约翰内斯堡到卡塔尔转机 全程26小时
Oh, God. Twenty-six hours from Jo-burg with a layover in Qatar.
我给你卷了根大♥麻♥烟 还叫了外卖♥♥
Well, there's a joint rolled and takeout's on the way.
这次我点了两份青咖喱
I got us two green curries this time,
以及配了辣椒的面条
plus the noodle dish with the chilies on the side.
佩德里奇18分钟后应该就会到
"Pedric" Should be here in 18 minutes.
你简直是女神
You're a goddess.
18分钟
And 18 minutes...
我们应该有足够时间...
that should give us just enough time...
我很感激 因为我知道...
I'm so grateful because I know...
他不能留下劳伦·S 不能
He can't keep Lauren S., he can't.
她在群体式约会上穿了工作服
She wore overalls on the group date.
他说了劳伦·S吗
Did he say Lauren S.?
劳伦·S
Lauren S.
什么
What?
茱尔斯 如果你因为心情不好而在收拾的话
Uh, Jules, if you're cleaning 'cause you're upset,
能不能从厕所开始
can you at least start on the bathroom?
我没有心情不好
I'm not upset.
除了
Except, um...
我在Instagram上看杰瑞米之前约会的那女生
I was looking at that girl that Jeremy went out with on Instagram
不小心点赞了她的照片
and I accidentally liked one of her pictures.
这没什么 对吧
That's not that big of a deal, though, right?
相当严重
Uh, that's a huge deal.
你不仅无意向杰瑞米透露出
Not only are you fully telegraphing to Jeremy
你还对他恋恋不忘
that you're still obsessed with him,
而且你把你和男人的问题专注于另一个女生身上
you are focusing your issues with a guy on another girl,
坦白说这不太女权
which frankly reads a little un-feminist.
你最好大哭 脚踝赘肉 开着豪车下地狱去吧
Oh, yeah, you better cry, cankles. Ride that limo to hell.
-那你好歹取消点赞了吗 -是的
- Did you at least unlike the photo? - Yes.
我取消了点赞 然后又点赞了
I unliked it, then I liked it again...
然后又取消了点赞
...but then I unliked it.
-很酷 -你疯了吗
- Very cool. - Are you insane?
任何正常人
Any normal functioning human being
都有打开推送通知
has their push notifications on.
-我没有 -我的天
- Mine aren't. - Oh, my God.
刚发现我没有关注你
Just realized I wasn't even following you.
-你能关注我吗 我叫... -不
- Oh, can you follow me? I'm at-- - Nope.
听着 这事会发生
Look, this is happening
是因为你一天24小时都在想着杰瑞米
'cause you are sitting around obsessing over Jeremy 24 hours a day.
他已经翻篇了 你也该照做
Look, he's moved on, so should you.
我最近和那个兽医
I mean, I have been texting a little bit
维斯 有发短♥信♥
with that guy Wes, the veterinarian.
他前几天晚上给我发了个动图
He sent me this gif the other night
一只猫卡在吊床上
of a cat that was stuck in a hammock.
那只猫叫着 "喵喵喵 吊床"
The cat was like, "Oh, no, meow-meow-meow, hammock!"
你不能打给猫医生
You are not calling Dr. Pussycat.
他太适合做男友了
He's total boyfriend material.
根据我对你的了解 你只要约会一次
Knowing you, you'll go on one date
我们就会和你失联五年
and we won't hear from you for five years.
我感觉我在被逆向骚货羞辱
Hey, I feel like I'm being reverse slut-shamed here.
我们约会的目的不就是找男友吗
Isn't finding a boyfriend the reason we go on dates?
不 我们约会是为了玩乐
No! We go on dates to have fun
也是买♥♥好看衣服的借口
and justify the purchase of cute clothes.
不是每个男人都得变成男友
Not every guy has to turn into a boyfriend.
就像我帮忙看♥房♥♥的那个摄影师
It's like the photographer who I'm house-sitting for.
他每次回来我们都会约炮 很随性
We hook up whenever he's in town and it's totally casual.
你跟一个男人生活在一起 睡在一起
So you live with a guy and you sleep with him.
你跟我说那叫随性
Tell me how that's casual again?
他总是在出差
He travels constantly.
所以你和你男友住在一起
So you're in a long-distance relationship
搞远距离恋爱
with your boyfriend, who you live with?
不 你根本不懂
No. You don't get it at all.
等等
Wait...
如果我有男友
if I have a boyfriend...
那我就绿了他
then I've cheated on him like...
很多次
a lot.
我需要翻篇 我该怎么做来着
Okay. I need to move on. Now, how do I do that again?
你现在需要的是一个性感JOT
What you need right now is a Hot JOT.
-性感的什么 -JOT JOT
- A hot what? - JOT. J-O-T.
就是"只有一个毛病"
As in "Just One Thing."
性感JOT就是指只有一个毛病的性感男子
A Hot JOT is a hot guy who has Just One Thing wrong with him.
所以你可以和他约炮
So you can hook up with him,
但是你永远不会想和他交往
but you'll never be tempted to actually date him.
我也想找这样的男人
Yeah, ideally I would find a guy like that,
但我不知道上哪去...
but I don't know where I would...
新&认证二手男
下午好 女士
Good afternoon, little lady.
你看上去像是个准备好
Now, you look like someone who's ready to take home
带梦中情人回家的人 我说对了吗
the man of her dreams today, am I right?
-你有特别中意谁吗 -没 我就随便看看
- Anyone specific you got your eye on? - No, I'm just looking.
这位刚刚空闲出来
You know, we have this guy who just became available.
这位叫艾登
This here, this is Aiden.
艾登生于1985年 建筑师 很会送礼物
Aiden is a 1985, he's an architect, and he is a great gift-giver.
很高兴认识你
It's nice to meet you.
艾登看上去很适合疗伤型恋爱
Ahem. Yeah, Aiden seems great for a rebound.
疗伤