娃娃脸

Astronomically low, and yet, somehow,
我们的确是陷入了这样的境地
this is the situation which we find ourselves.
你知道吗 能跟一个很想去博物馆
You know, it's just really nice to be dating a guy
而不是在运动酒吧喝个烂醉的男人约会
who's, like, excited to come to a museum
感觉真的很好
instead of getting drunk in a sports bar or something, you know?
他很想去吗
He was?
这可真是 万万没有想到
Yeah, that's... definitely unexpected.
我得走了 不想让他觉得我在拉屎
I should go. I don't want him to think I'm pooping.
真是太感谢你了
Thank you... so... much. Ha!
谢谢你来厕所
Thank you for visiting the bathroom!
这是我的工作地点
Where I work.
朝右侧看
And if you look to your right,
就能看到洛杉矶著名的拉布雷亚沥青池
you'll see LA's famous La Brea Tar Pits.
茱尔斯 情况如何
Okay, Jules, what's the situation?
我还是被困在博物馆里
Well, I'm still trapped in this museum,
被困在杰瑞米喜欢博物馆的第二现实里
trapped in an alternate reality where Jeremy likes museums,
被困在一身
trapped in a layer of polyester
用于在室外分发礼物的涤纶服装里
designed for outdoor gift distribution,
更别说他们还派了神探夏洛克级别的
not to mention they have the fucking Sherlock Holmes
安保人员到处搜寻落单的人
of museum security guards hunting down stragglers.
杰瑞米迟早会看到我这打扮
It's only a matter of time before Jeremy sees me like this.
好了 茱尔斯 不会那样的
Okay, Jules, I am not gonna let that happen.
你在哪里 身边有什么资源
Now, where are you and what do we have to work with?
博物馆纪念品店
我看看 化石工具包 宇航员冰淇淋
Uh, let's see... fossil kits, astronaut ice cream,
把手是恐龙嘴的剪刀
scissors where the handle is a dinosaur's mouth.
我看了很多期《天桥风云》
Okay, I think I've seen enough
应该可以帮你渡过这次难关
"Project Runway" to get you through this.
我告诉你怎么做
Now, here's what you have to do.
茱尔斯
Jules, hi!
杰瑞米 过得好吗
Hey, Jeremy. How's it going?
女士 你已被拘留
Miss, you're being detained
原因是在博物馆灾难中掠夺物品
for looting during a museum disaster.
你在干什么 她是这里的员工
Whoa. What are you doing? She works here!
很高兴再次见到你
Nice to see you again.
加油踩 麋鹿
Knees up, reindeer.
我已经骑了九英里
I've gone nine miles!
骑了九英里 还差一英里
Nine down and one to go.
要是有人需要补给 我有鸡蛋面包
If anyone needs provisions, I've got challah to spare.
别担心 马克笔是可食用的
Don't worry. The permanent marker is okay to eat.
伊兹 别拖延时间了
Izzy, stop stalling.
现在你已经
It's time to come down with a verdict
看到了极具说服力的证据
now that you've had a chance to review
你应该有裁决结果了
the unbelievably convincing evidence.
-你是说了"裁决结果"吗 -天哪 麦迪逊
- Did you say "Verdict"? - Jesus, Madison.
我简直希望他真的杀了人 就为了让你闭嘴
I almost wish he did kill someone just to get you to shut up.
声明一下 我没有杀人
For the record, I haven't killed anyone.
等我赢了赌约 我会很开心地闭嘴
Oh, I will happily shut up when I win the bet and
然后看着你准备地震应急包
watch you put together your earthquake kit.
你知道吗 等我明年搬去东海岸
Well you know what? I won't even need an earthquake kit
我根本不需要地震应急包了
when I move to the East Coast next year.
你在说什么
What the hell are you talking about?
我申请了东海岸的几所工商学院
I applied to a bunch of business schools on the East Coast.
如果录取了 就会搬过去
So, if I get in, I'm moving.
这么大的事你怎么能不告诉我呢
Wait, how could you not tell me that?
因为你总是想掌控我生活里做的每件事
Because you always try to control everything I do in my life
因为你觉得我是个蠢货
because you think I'm an idiot.
抱歉 我不想听到这样打击自信的话
Sorry, that's not the vote of confidence I needed
尤其是我很忐忑地在等结果的时候
when I'm already worried enough about getting in.
各位
Um, guys?
我当然不觉得你是蠢货
Of course I don't think you're an idiot.
我觉得你非常优秀
Look, I think you're amazing.
我之所以会干涉
The reason I intervene is
是因为如果你出了什么事
because if something were to happen to you
而我本可以阻止的话 我不会原谅自己
that I could have prevented, I wouldn't be okay.
各位
Guys!
我知道你很喜欢掌控一切的感觉
I know it makes you feel good to be in control of everything,
但是如果你能更信任自己一点
but if you just trusted yourself a little bit more,
你就不用担心这么多事了
you wouldn't have to worry so much.
快看啊
Guys!
丹 你在干什么
Uh, Dan? What are you doing?
我觉得这是一场关于友谊的争吵
Well, I just figured this is a bit of a friendship tiff,
所以我想给你们一点空间
so I'm just gonna give you some space
让你们彼此沟通清楚
and let you guys work it out.
你不是说你有乳糜泻吗
I thought you said you had celiac disease.
所以你不可能是面包汤杀手
And that's why you couldn't be the Bread Bowl Killer.
史黛拉 我只是刚才走神才吃了一点
Stella, come on. I was just absent‐mindedly having some.
这属于走神面包
You know, absent‐minded bread.
说真的 我都没反应过来我在吃东西
Seriously, I didn't even realize I was eating.
-你们太夸张了 -我们谁都没夸张
- You guys are being crazy! - No one is being crazy.
我们都非常冷静
We're all being very calm.
你们为什么看起来这么害怕
Why are you guys acting so scared?
我没做错事 我没杀人
I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't kill anyone.
你们看看我
I mean, look at me.
我看起来像是杀人犯的样子吗
Do I look like somebody who could kill someone?
好吧 我说
All right. All right, fine.
麦迪逊 你说得对 我知道那晚我在哪里
Madison, you were right. I did know where I was that night.
你想知道真♥相♥吗
You wanna know the truth? Huh?
你想要等了一天的坦白吗
You want that confession you've been angling for all day?
那天晚上我不在那
I wasn't there that night.
因为我在车里自♥慰♥
Because I was masturbating in my car.
-等等 你是说... -帕尼拉面包对吗
- I'm sorry, did you just say‐ - Look, the Panera Bread, right?
你说那里有一家查克芝士
You said there was a Chuck E. Cheese.
丹 别说你会后悔的话
Dan, don't say anything you might regret.
我有个很正常的癖好
I have a very normal fetish.
实际上 我的Reddit群组里有好多这样的人
In fact, there's hundreds of us in my Reddit group.
-天哪 -这是什么情况
- Oh, Jesus! - What is happening?
卡♥通♥人偶会让我性奋
I am sexually attracted to mascot characters.
我说出来了
There. I said it.
这就是我的大秘密
That's my big secret.
懂了吗 露西不可能是我杀的
So, you see, I couldn't have killed Lucy.
因为我的车停在查克芝士门外
Because I was in my car parked outside of a Chuck E. Cheese
而我在车里自♥慰♥
pleasuring myself to completion.
能跟大家分享这件事 我很开心
Feels really good to share that with you guys.
谢谢你们没有对我评头论足
Thank you for not judging me.
话说回来 我很期待认识你的朋友茱尔斯
Anyway, I really can't wait to meet your friend, Jules.
我真的不能让你这样
I'm really not supposed to let you do this.
-她没问题 -灵魂动感单车 第一排
- She's got it. - Soul Cycle. First row, baby!
-该去救我们的朋友了 -向后踩
- Time to save our girl. - And tap it back!
不好意思 你知道附近哪里有小熊礼品店吗
Excuse me, do you know where the nearest Build‐a‐Bear is?
女士 这里还是美国
Ma'am, it's still America in here.
你保证会让我打一通电♥话♥的
You promised me a phone call.
是我
Just me.
那是你 自♥制♥的刀吗
Is that a... prison shiv?
这东西阻断了我手腕的血液循环 好吗
This thing is cutting off the circulation to my wrists, okay?
不是 我觉得你很机智
No, it's... it's very resourceful.
我只是觉得 你是不是还弄了马桶红酒
I just... I feel like I should be looking around for toilet wine.
不好意思 请问你是
I'm sorry, did you come
特意过来嘲笑我的吗
all the way down here just to make fun of me?
我抵♥制♥不了被困听众的诱惑
I couldn't resist a captive audience.
好吧 你继续说 我感觉挺好的
Okay. No, no, no, keep going. This is great.
毕竟撞见你
I mean, running into you
和超模约会 还不够糟糕
on a date with a supermodel wasn't bad enough.
茱尔斯 她不是超模
Jules, she's not a supermodel.
不是吗
Aw, she's not?
她确实是模特
Well, I mean, she's a model,
但主要是在Instagram上
but it's, like, mostly Instagram stuff.
天哪 杰瑞米 你怎么会来这里
God, Jeremy. What are you even doing here?
我以为要撞见你也会是在圣诞老人♥大♥会上
I thought if I was gonna run into you it would be at SantaCon.
是今天吗 我...
Was that today? I...
-你很想去 -对 我很想去
- You really wanted to go? - I really, really wanted to go, yeah.