生活大麻烦（2017）

Disjointed S01E19

Part 1 July 23, 2020, 3:25 p.m.

请大家欢迎第一次来到
Uh, please welcome to the Laugh Warehouse stage
大笑仓库舞台的卡特
for the very first time, uh, Carter.
大家今晚好吗好
How's everybody doing tonight? Good.
喂喂喂好了
Hey, hey. Hey. There we go.
我叫卡特你们刚听到了
Uh, well, my name is Car... I'm Carter. You just heard it.
我是退伍军人
And, uh, I'm an Army veteran.
谢谢而且
Thank you. And, uh... And, uh...
我
I, uh...
我那天工作时有个女人进来了
In my work the other day, this lady came in
她怀孕了
and, phew, she was... She was pregnant.
她真的
She was, like, real...
怀孕了
Real pregnant. Like, you know...
我在大♥麻♥药房♥工作
Um, I work at a marijuana dispensary.
你们该知道这点
You should probably know that.
但我说她怀孕时她真的怀上孕了
But when I say she was pregnant, she was, like, pregnant.
像是她怀了双胞胎
Like, she was pregnant with twins
然后
and then... And...
而那两个双胞胎都怀了三胞胎
Like, those twins, they were both pregnant with triplets.
老鹰六号♥ 我是段子手
Eagle Six, this is Joker.
请求空中掩护我现在需要笑声
Requesting air cover. I need laughs now.
这玩意儿好着吗
Is this on?
多谢你的服务快他妈滚下台吧
Thank you for your service. Now, get off the fucking stage.
生活大♥麻♥烦第一季第十九集
各位听好了我有个令人激动的消息
Okay, guys, listen up. I have some very exciting news.
-奥莉维亚要回来了吗 -希望如此
- Olivia's coming back? - Oh, I hope so.
谢天谢地
Thank God.
没有我们得适应没有奥莉维亚的世界
No, guys, we have to get used to a world without Olivia.
奥莉维亚要回来了吗
Olivia's coming back?
没有但我们要度过美妙的一天
No. But we are gonna have an amazing day, guys,
因为我安排了明星大♥麻♥店员
because I've arranged for some celebrity budtenders,
他们是
and they are...
午餐是什么时候
What the fuck time is lunch?
我也很激动
I'm excited as hell, man.
-我一直想当销♥售♥员 -是啊
- I've always wanted to be in sales. - Yes.
我一直都想在工作的地方谈恋爱
And I've always wanted to have a workplace romance.
是啊
Oh, yeah.
像总是迷人的雷内尔·扎格瓦格出演的任何电影
Like any movie starring the always-enchanting Renelle Zagwagger.
那要怎么做啊你俩已经是情侣了
How's that gonna happen? You guys are already a couple.
不实际上我们现在就要美丽邂逅了
Nope. In fact, we're meeting cute right now.
很抱歉这是我第一天来上班我有点迷路了
I'm so sorry, this is my first day here. I'm a little lost.
这店的确令人困惑你好
Oh, this store can be confusing. Hi.
史蒂夫·丹柯森
Steve Dankerson.
区域销♥售♥高级副总裁
Senior VP of regional sales.
你是德比吗
"Debbie," Is it?
是黛比啦
It's Dabby.
我刚从农场镇搬来大城市
I just moved to the big city from Farmtown.
我得回去工作了
Oh-oh. I gotta get back to work,
费尔德曼老鬼在瞪我了
Old Man Feldman's giving me the stink-eye.
老鬼
Old man?
我比你还小呢
I'm younger than you.
回头见了黛比
Anyway, uh, see you around, Dabby.
天啊希望如此哎哟
Oh, gosh, I sure hope so. Gee whiz.
他凭什么是高级副总裁
How'd he get to be Senior VP?
离老娘的办公室远点
Stay the fuck out of my office.
纯金烟枪吸一口
And with this hit from the solid gold bong,
吾欢迎你加入我的团队
I thee welcome thee to my own team.
谢谢汝
Uh, thank thee.
提醒一下这其实不是纯金的
FYI, it's not really solid gold.
而是瑞克·迪斯送的礼物
It was a gift from Rick Dees
他当时主持了《80年代舞蹈秀经典》
when he hosted the '80s dance show, Solid Gold.
-好烫啊 -是啊
- Wow, it gets really hot. - Yes.
是啊很不实用
Yes, it is very, very impractical.
很高兴能来这里
Well, I am happy to be here.
我只是对抛弃特拉维斯有些难过
I just feel bad about how I left it with Travis.
是啊特拉维斯
Oh, sure. Travis, yeah.
特拉维斯曾是你的朋友出于某种原因你喜欢他
Travis was your friend and you liked him for some reason.
但你是纯种马
But you're a thoroughbred
他是个婴儿
and he's a baby.
婴儿不能骑马
And a baby can't ride a horse.
-我想那是对的 -不仅是对的
- I guess that's true. - It's more than true.
还是加州的州法律
It's actually California state law.
猴子能骑马但婴儿不行
Monkeys can ride horses, but not babies.
总之奥莉维亚我们的工作今天开始了
Anyway, Olivia, our work starts today.
我们要宣传品牌的未来
We are promoting the future of our brand.
我们在种植小粪球橡子
We are planting tiny shit acorns
有一天它们会长成巨大的粪球橡树
that will someday grow into mighty shit oaks.
重点是我有许多点子我等不及...
The point is, I have a lot of ideas and I cannot wait to...
真可爱我搞定了
Delightful. I have scored an interview
和独一无二的萨宾·多特蒙德的采访
with the one and only Sabine Dortmunder.
-萨宾我认识她 -好吧
- Oh, Sabine. I know her. - Well,
我先认识她更了解她
I knew her first and better.
实际上我准备了她采访的视频
In fact, I have prepared a video presentation of her work.
看好了
Behold!
瞧瞧我
Well, would you look at me.
我和鸟一样自♥由♥了
I'm free as a bird.
看看
Check it out.
迈克尔·杰克逊
Michael Jackson.
现在我成了扫地机器人
Now I'm a Roomba.
有一面墙
"Oh, there's a wall.
有一面墙
Oh, there's a wall."
蠢货
Dumb-ass.
你用轮子用得很溜啊
You're really good with those wheels.
我在练习动作
I was practicing my moves
而你在那些人类身上
while you were wasting time with those...
浪费时间
humans.
他们是我的同事
They're my co-workers.
我是你唯一的同事皮特
I'm your only co-worker, Pete.
其他人都是碍事的
Everyone else is in the way.
瞧瞧我我是擎天柱变成了卡车
Look at me now, I'm Optimus Prime, transforming into a truck.
我不懂这梗
I don't get that one.
迈克尔·杰克逊
Michael Jackson.
你好露丝
Hello, Ruth.
你去哪儿了
Well, where you been?
我好想你
I've missed you.
我也想你
Yes, I missed you, too.
露丝我
Ruth, I'm, uh...
我们能
Can we...?
我们能谈谈吗
Can we talk?
该死
Oh, fuck.
这几周我过得很开心
I've had a great time these couple of weeks.
该死
Oh, fuck.
我只是觉得这有些失控了
I just think maybe this got a little out of hand.
我不知道
I don't know.
这不是我想要的
It's not what I'm looking for.
好吧
Okay, sure.
抱歉还有
Um, I'm sorry, and, uh...
谢谢
thanks.
很高兴我现在知道怎么抽大♥麻♥了
I'm glad I know how to smoke pot now.
保重
Take care.
大峡谷之旅
每日一药
好啊朋友们
Hello, friends.
你焦虑万分吗
Are you riddled with anxiety?
你睡不着觉吗
Do you suffer from insomnia?
你土里土气吗
Are you uncool?
因为你看起来土里土气
Because you seem very uncool.
高兴点吧我将为大家介绍现代男女
Well, rejoice. I bring you a cure-all for the many maladies
面临的许多疾病的万灵药
that befall the modern man and woman.
丹柯森医生的复苏健康酊
Dr. Dankerson's Revivifying Wellness Tincture.
这是在俄勒冈州这种异国他乡栽培的
Derived from the miracle plant, cannabis sativa, as cultivated
神奇植物大♥麻♥中提取的
in exotic lands as far away as Oregon.
仅需一滴奇妙药剂就将缓和你的癫痫发作