生活大麻烦（2017）

Disjointed S01E13

Part 2 July 23, 2020, 3:24 p.m.

穿橙色背心的人正捡垃圾呢
in orange vests spear-fishing for trash.
看起来很好玩啊
That looks fun as hell.
帮帮忙露丝你就不能
Come on, Ruth. Can't you
当个律师帮我们摆平这件事吗
do some lawyer shit and get us out of this?
不行不行我会把你们上庭的流程
No, no, no. I'll walk you through what you need to know
都解释给你们听
for your court appearance.
但我不是你们的律师我也不是你们的司机
But I'm not your lawyer. I'm also not your limo driver.
你们其中一个可以坐前排的
You know, one of you could've sat up front.
如果那样黛比还怎么把手伸进我裤裆里
If I did that, then how could Dabby have her hand down my pants?
是啊我们就是不想失礼于人
Yeah, we're just trying to be respectful.
要亲命了
Jesus Christ.
-爽 -好好
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.
每日一药
欢迎收看"每日一药"
Welcome to "Strain O' The Day."
你是不是很爱吸大♥麻♥
Do you love smoking weed,
但同时也希望自己能操作重型机械
but wish you could still operate heavy machinery?
是不是总疲于纠结
Tired of choosing between
到底是吸到嗨还是去好好看孩子
getting high and supervising your children?
试试"小清新"吧露丝另类治疗店
Then try Buds Lite, the new family of strains
最新研发的系列
from Ruth's Alternative Caring.
新系列吸起来的味道跟普通大♥麻♥一样
These strains have all the great taste as regular cannabis,
但四氢大♥麻♥酚的含量只有普通大♥麻♥的三分之一
but with one-third the THC.
-吸起来很棒棒 -嗨起来不会狂
- Smokes great. - Less crippling paranoia!
举个例子如果你觉得"高速凤梨"太猛
For example, if Pineapple Express hits you too fast,
那就吸舒缓
enjoy a slower,
又可以欣赏一路嗨景的"本地凤梨"吧
more scenic high with Pineapple Local.
一路经停凤梨土坡
Making all the stops, including East Pineapple,
小清新系列本地凤梨口味
凤梨高地洋基体育场
Pineapple Heights, Yankee Stadium.
你可以在凤梨广场换乘
You can change strains at Pineapple Square.
"毛伊哇哦"太猛怎么办试试"毛伊哦"
Maui Waui too overwhelming? Try Maui Meh.
小清新系列毛伊哦口味
还还行吧
It's-- It's fine.
如果布鲁斯·班纳让你觉得要变身绿巨人了
If Bruce Banner makes you feel like you're turning into The Hulk,
试试布鲁斯·詹纳
try Bruce Jenner.
小清新系列布鲁斯·詹纳口味
你会从内心深处感受到
You'll feel like you're turning
自己在变成平常最熟悉的样子
into something you've always been, deep inside.
过来吧弱鸡们
So, swing on by, you pussies,
试试看你们能不能承受得住小清新系列
and see if you can at least handle Buds Lite.
你想抽点这个吗
You wanna smoke this?
不要孩子们在爷爷奶奶家
No, my kids are at their grandparents',
我们去抽点真家伙
let's go blaze real shit.
大家居然觉得那个牙齿缝很大的
People think that gap-toothed
傻白妞跟你长得很像
piece of white trash looks like you?
玛丽亚那就是我
Maria, that is me.
我的天好可爱啊
Oh, my God, adorable.
大♥麻♥新闻联播刚刚打电♥话♥过来
Just got off the phone with CNNN.
他们要我们回复到底去不去
They need an answer.
我不知道
I don't know.
我花了很长时间摆脱"诸如此类姐"这个称号♥
I spent a long time trying to escape Whatnot Girl.
我也有过特别丢脸的时候奥莉维亚
Oh, I had my 15 minutes of shame, too, Olivia.
没啥大不了的
It's no biggie.
好啦我告诉你
Fine, I'll tell you.
美女也疯狂之狂欢节版本共十八分钟
Girls Gone Wild: Mardi Gras Edition, 18 minutes in.
剧透一下我自己带了拉珠
Spoiler alert: I brought my own beads.
我把它们扔向空中再接住然后
I tossed them up in the air, caught them and then:
奥莉维亚我们就去吧
Come on, Olivia, let's do this.
如果有人认出我了怎么办
What if someone recognizes me?
做诸如此类姐真的很可怕
Being Whatnot Girl was a nightmare.
我懂你
Look, I get it.
真人真事
True story,
我高中有个同学
there was this kid in my high school
有很严重的面部痉挛
who had this really bad facial twitch.
他一旦在公众场合说话就会发作
If he was up in front talking, he'd just start going like--
我们给他起了个外号♥ 叫抽抽
We called him Twitch.
抽抽被选为学生代表要致告别辞
Then Twitch made valedictorian,
他得在八百人面前演讲
he had to give a speech in front of 800 people.
他一次也没有发作
And he didn't twitch once.
不他抽得可厉害了
No. He twitched his ass off.
但他坚持完成了演讲
But he got through that speech.
从那天起没人再嘲笑他了
And from that day forward, nobody beat him up.
因为大家都毕业了
Because everyone graduated.
你为什么非要夺走属于抽抽的胜利
Why you gotta take away Twitch's win?
混♥蛋♥油管又把我美女也疯狂的视频链接放出来了
Stupid YouTube pulled my Girls Gone Wild link again.
这是链接封面照
Here's a still.
您本次点的德尔塔克一共五块三毛八
Your Del Taco order comes to 5.38.
我去
Oh, shit.
这些够了吗
Is that enough?
你们收加拿大元吗
Do you guys take Canadian euros?
需要这么严格吗
Couldn't you be cool about this?
这些不够的话我也不用吃一整个玉米卷
If that's not enough, I don't have to eat all of my taco.
等等我什么时候去的加拿大
Wait, when was I even in Canadia?
我能用电玩小知识跟你换吗
Could I trade some video-game knowledge?
你真的是太混♥蛋♥了
You're being such a dick.
德尔塔克没钱别来买♥♥吃的
Del Taco. Food in exchange for money.
为什么
Why?!
为什么
Why?!
带我走吧放过它们
Take me instead!
别管我我就是来拿
Don't mind me, I'm just grabbing--
又有三株死了我被诅咒了
Three more plants are dead! I'm cursed!
我碰什么什么死
Everything I touch dies!
抱歉宝贝
I'm sorry, honey. Um...
吃水果卷吗里面有谜语纸条
Want a Fruit Roll-Up? There's riddles on them.
好的
Yes, please.
出什么事了
So, what's going on?
玛丽亚这世界上没有什么工作
Maria, there's no job in the whole world
比种大♥麻♥更有压力了
that is more stressful than growing marijuana.
种大♥麻♥的人不是死了就是快死了
I mean, anybody who's ever done it is either dead or will die.
可怜的皮特
Poor Pete.
我老公吉姆也曾经历过一段这样的日子
My husband Jim went through a funk like this.
压力巨大毫无理由地对我大吼大叫
Stressed out, snapping at me for no reason.
然后我们就雇了管家罗西塔
But then we hired my housekeeper, Rosita.
他忽然就开心起来了你知道吗
And, suddenly, he was just happier, you know?
雇了一个二十三岁的前体操运动员在家
Yeah, it was like having a 23-year-old former gymnast
好像改变了家里的气场一样
in the house just somehow changed the energy.
也许吉姆压力这么大
Maybe Jim was stressed out
是因为你要承包家里所有的家务活
because you had to do all the housework.
是的就是这样现在罗西塔来了
Exactly. Exactly. Now that Rosita's here,
他就经常希望我出门
he always wants me to go out.
享受自己一个人的时光
Get "Me time," You know?
他让我去看看电影做做指甲
He sends me to the movies, gets my nails done.
经常对我说 "你快出去快"
"Get out of here, you! Go on!" You know?
一定要在快到家前十五分钟告诉我
"Be sure to call me when you're 15 minutes from home."
他有次在波特兰为我安排了一个周末假期
Once, he got me a weekend in Portland, you know?
只有我跟孩子们
Just me and the kids.
-他听起来是个好男人 -是的
- He sounds like a good man. - He is. He really is.
不好意思我们继续说你的事
I'm sorry, we were talking about you.
对的好
Right, yeah.
为什么
Why?!
这东西可以煮粥太厉害了
This thing makes porridge. That's dope.
我妈给我发了张我姐的照片还配了句话
My mom sent me a picture of my sister with the caption,
"看谁赚到[胖]了五磅"
"Look who gained five pounds."
我又成为我妈的最爱了
I'm the favorite again.
气死你死胖子布兰达
Suck it, Fat Brenda!
你妈妈跟你好几个月没说话了
Your mom doesn't speak to you for months,
她就给你寄了个厨房♥电器
she sends some kitchen appliance,
-你俩就突然和好了 -是不是很棒
- and, suddenly, you two are all good? - Yeah, isn't it awesome?
事实上在我们心理学界
Well, actually in therapy, we talk a lot about
解决问题的唯一方法
the only way to deal with a problem
是开诚布公的沟通
is open and honest communication.
我们中国人不那么善于表达
We're Chinese. We're not that into words.