生活大麻烦（2017）

Disjointed S01E10

Part 1 July 23, 2020, 3:23 p.m.

谁都不许说话
Nobody say a word.
-露丝我真的 -闭嘴
- Ruth, I really-- - Shut the fuck up.
生活大♥麻♥烦
第一季第十集
大家都没事吧
Is everybody okay?
-没事 -都挺好
- Yeah. - All good.
珍妮你还好吗
Jenny, you good?
我没事
Yeah, I'm good.
我不太好
I'm not good.
我觉得在这些可怕的人面前我得小声说话
I feel like I should be whispering in front of the scary men,
但我觉得我没做到
but I don't think I am.
我觉得那第四个粪球让你嗨翻天了
I think that fourth shit-ball really messed you up.
是吗可在那之后我又再来了三个
Oh, really? Because I had three more after that.
我不能去监狱
I can't go to jail.
我对于监狱里的拉拉来说就像猫薄荷一样
I'm like catnip for lesbian prisoners.
看看这屁♥股♥ 她们会把它生吃了的
Look-- Look at this ass. They will eat it alive.
玛丽亚你不会去监狱的
Maria, you're not going to jail.
他们只是来敲诈的
It's a shakedown.
他们编几个借口
They get some bullshit pretext
说检查实则是来拿咱的大♥麻♥和钱懂吗
to come in and take the weed and the money, okay?
不过他们拿不到钱
But they're not getting the money,
因为机智的你已经想到了把现金藏起来的方法
because you figured out a brilliant way to hide our cash.
可我准备明天开始实施
Which I was going to implement tomorrow.
操
Fuck a duck.
天啊
Oh, God.
我的滴答滴答回飞得就像是
Me tick-tick's boomeranging like
一个笨蛋第一天刚到康蒙纳德时的摇摆
a bogan's joggles on the first day of Commonade.
皮特我听不懂你在说什么
Pete, I don't know what you're saying,
不过我觉得你这是恐慌发作了
but I think you're having a panic attack.
我七岁那年缉毒警♥察♥突袭我们的围居区
The DEA raided my compound when I was 7.
我还是个在育儿袋里的小袋鼠
Just a young joey in the pouch of life.
听我说兄弟我经历过比这更糟的
Listen, man, I've lived through worse than this.
有我陪着你呢
Stay with me.
谢了哥们
Thanks, mate.
你真是一颗盛放的小洋葱
You're a real Bloomin' Onion.
他们怎么能这样大♥麻♥是合法的
How can they do this? Weed's legal.
只是在本州合法不是全国合法
State legal, federally illegal.
就是说我们处在一个灰色地带
So, we exist in a gray zone
他们还是能搞我们
where they can still fuck us.
如果你被人搞过你的灰色地带
And if you've ever been fucked
你就会知道那不是什么轻松的体验
in your gray zone, you know it's no picnic.
你在最不合适的时机说了最不合时宜的话
You're inappropriate at the most inappropriate times.
我知道情况会怎么发展
I know how this works.
随时都有可能
Any second now,
进来一个领头人物
the head agent,
我可以跟你保证绝对是个大块头的傻瓜
who I assure you will be some roided-up meathead...
他会穿过人群从那扇门进来开始发号♥施令
is gonna charge through that door barking orders.
抱歉让一下抱歉让一下
Pardon me, excuse me. I'm sorry, pardon me.
我得过去一下谢谢
I have to get through. Thank you.
嗨
Hey!
你一定是露丝·怀特菲泽·费尔德曼
You must be Ruth Whitefeather Feldman.
真是好名字
What a name!
我是特别探员巴瑞·施瓦茨
I'm Special Agent Barry Schwartz.
我想说是政♥府♥任命我做这个探员
I like to say, the government made me an agent,
可我妈妈才是把我生得这么特别的人
but my mother made me special.
-你是木偶吗 -别说话
- Are you a Muppet? - Shhh!
天气真好啊
What a beautiful day.
这是最棒的一次屋顶野餐了
Oh, best roof camping ever.
是啊我睡得像个抽嗨了的婴儿
Hell, yeah, I slept like a stoned baby.
这上面风景真好比约塞密提国立公园还好
It's so pretty up here. Way better than that shithole Yosemite.
去他♥娘♥的♥约塞密提
Fuck Yosemite, baby.
过来看看这边的风景
Oh, hey, come look at the view.
我能从这一直看到肯塔西玉米饼店
I can see all the way to the Ken-Taco-Hut.
真不错
Oh, man.
我♥操♥ 看那边警♥察♥也来买♥♥大♥麻♥了
Oh, damn, look at all those cops buying weed today.
丹克
Dank...
那些是联邦探员
those are feds.
我去
Oh, shit.
快看那边联邦探员也来买♥♥大♥麻♥了
Look at all those feds buying weed today.
不不不露丝被突袭检查了
No, no, no! Ruth is getting raided.
操操操
Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.
他们会找到我们吗他们一定会先杀黑人的
What if they find us? They're gonna kill the black guy first.
别担心宝贝
Hey, don't worry about it, baby.
还有特拉维斯和卡特可以选呢
They got Travis and Carter to choose from.
那我们就被困在这里了
So, I guess we're just stuck up here?
就像那些被困在空间站的傻瓜
Like those assholes on the space station.
不不不冷静冷静一点
No, no, no, cool it, okay? Calm down.
我们就在就在这里随便转转
We'll just-- We'll just hang out here.
你知道的
You know?
嗑嗨一点
We'll get high.
没准打几炮然后今天就过去了
Maybe we'll bone a couple of times, and call it a day.
那就跟平常一样嘛不过这次是在室外
Oh. So, it's like a regular day, but outside.
操
Oh, shit.
我打火机用不了了能用下你的吗
My lighter's not working. Can I use yours?
当然了我就放在这里
Yeah, no doubt. I got it right here.
不我放在家里了
Oh, oh, I left it at home.
大家还好吗绑得紧不紧看着挺紧的
How you guys doing? Are those tight? They look tight.
我之前读到过说是腕关节
You know, I was reading somewhere that the wrist
是全身最脆弱的关节很奇怪对吧
is the most delicate joint in the body. Isn't that weird?
要我猜就是膝关节
I'd have guessed knee.
伙计们给他们松绑
Fellas, could we cut them loose?
看到没有
You see?
我们是讲道理的人
We're reasonable people.
-长官我能接受审问了吗 -可以
- Excuse me, sir? May I approach the bench? - Okay.
我是玛丽亚·谢尔曼只是一个有家庭的
I'm Maria Sherman. I'm just a customer with a family
普通顾客在社区里风评极佳
and a sterling reputation in the community.
我愿意不惜一切代价来保住我的名声
And I'm willing to do anything to preserve that.
做什么都可以
Anything.
抱歉女士我还有活要做
I'm sorry, ma'am, but I've got a job to do.
不不不我的意思是
No, no, I'm-- I'm just saying that...
你愿意的话我也有活可以做
I have a job I could do as well.
谢了不过我婚姻生活很幸福
Thank you, but I'm a happily married man,
而且我喜欢生日时我老婆跟我做
and I like the one I get on my birthday.
好了
Okay...
-我需要跟业主谈谈 -是我
- I need to speak to the owner. - Yeah, that's me.
我是合伙人所以如果你想找个人折磨
I'm a co-owner. So, if you wanna harass somebody,
不如从我开始吧
why don't you just start with me.
不不不
No, no, no.
没人会折磨你们
Nobody's gonna harass.
我们谈谈闲聊瞎扯几句
We'll talk, we'll kibitz, we'll schmooze.
他不会跟你说话的我也不会
He's not gonna talk to you, and neither am I.
这不是说了吗
Ah! You just did.
别难过
Don't feel bad.
跟你开了个施瓦茨式笑话而已
You've been Schwartzed.
走吧
Come on.
你觉得他会崩溃吗
You think he's gonna crack?
不会他没事黑人不会崩溃
No, he's good. Black don't crack.
各位我不想吓到大家不过我快死了
Guys, I don't wanna alarm anybody, but I am dying.
你不会死你这只是
You're not dying, you're just...
-粪球后遗症 -不
- shitballing. - No.
不我快死了带着处子之身死去
No, I'm dying. I'm gonna die a virgin.
好吧后♥庭♥处♥女♥
Okay, a butt virgin.
拜托了太阳别犯浑倒是给我点着啊
Come on, sun. Don't be an asshole, light this shit.
这下绝不可能点着了你都骂它混♥蛋♥了
It's never gonna light it now, you called him an asshole.
我去
Oh, man.
《荒岛余生》里面那家伙是怎么生火的
How did that dipshit from Cast Away make fire?
不知道他有个傻♥逼♥排球来帮忙吧
I don't know. He had a dumb-ass volleyball to help him.
收拾东西时候我本来准备带个排球的
Man, I was gonna pack a volleyball.
其它电影呢快点我们再想想
What about other movies? Come on, we gotta think.
-《饥饿游戏》里 -对的
- Well, in Hunger Games-- - Right.
凯特尼斯着火是因为西纳为了贡品游♥行♥
Katniss is on fire because Cinna designed her a dress