呆逼还愿人（2014）

Deadbeat S03E04

Part 1 April 16, 2021, 8:32 p.m.

On today's show, a man who had a penis transplant
今天的节目里一位做了小鸡鸡移植的先生
finally meets the family of his deceased donor.
终于见到了他逝去的捐献者的家人
What he doesn't know...
但他不知道的是...
they want the penis back.
他们想要回小鸡鸡
That's so ridiculous!
这也太搞笑了!
I never would've gone on national television
要是我做了小鸡鸡移植手术
after my penis transplant.
我绝对不会去上国家频道
What?
什么玩意?
Oh, dude, we got a job.
老兄我们有活干了
Grab your jacket. Let's go. Yeah, look, dude,
拿上你的外套我们走可是伙计
we just worked yesterday. I mean, come on,
我们昨天刚工作完这样吧
let's set a couple guidelines here, okay, Roomie?
我们来订几条基本规则好吧室友?
I'm not really a "Get up early",
老实说我不是那种
wash my whole body, and go to work two days in a row"
"早睡早起洗白白
type of guy, just generally speaking.
然后连着上两天班" 的人
Pac, we do this job, we get a thousand clams.
派克要是接了这单活我们就能得到一千只蛤
I don't know, dude. That seems like
我不知道伙计我觉得吧
way too many clams for just two guys.
一千只蛤对于俩人来说好像太多了
Are you serious? Yeah.
你确定? 是啊
I mean, that's a thousand clams.
我是说那可是一千只啊
I guess we could freeze half of them
我想我们可以冷冻上一半
and then slowly work our way through the first 500.
然后想办法慢慢的把头五百只吃掉
No, Pac, the job pays a thousand dollars.
不派克我的意思说这单活儿的报酬是一千块
Oh, fuck me, okay!
靠卧♥槽♥ 好好好!
Why didn't you say so?
你刚怎么不这么说?
What do you say, celebratory bong hits?
怎么样抽点庆祝庆祝?
No, dude. We just got a job.
不要哥们儿我们刚刚接了单工作
Right, that was dumb. I'm sorry.
啊对我太蠢了对不起了
It's unprofessional.
这也太不专业了
We're smoking blunts.
我们要来点小雪茄
Let me see that thing. Do you have one for you?
来来来让我看看你给自己留一根没?
But it sounds good. Reverb, brother.
可是听起来不错嘛还是混响呢兄弟
Hi. You must be the ghost guys.
你好你们一定是还愿人
We are indeed. Although I don't see ghosts.
没错我们就是尽管我看不见鬼
He does. But we're partners.
他看得见但是我们是合作伙伴
Yeah. I mean, we're not, like, life partners.
没错我是说我们不是那种基基的合作伙伴
We're business partners. But I guess we would like
我们是生意合作伙伴但我觉得
the business to last a lifetime.
我们的生意能开一辈子
But, no, we're not lovers. Yeah, but we have, like,
不过不我们不是情侣没错不过
no problem changing in front of each other
我们可以在对方面前换衣服
and stuff like that. I don't love it, but...
或者做像这样的其他事我并不喜欢这样但是...
Thrilling story. Listen,
故事不错听着
I'm getting married here in a week
一个星期以后我要在这结婚
and every time I try to rehearse,
每次我想要彩排的时候
my father-in-law gets injured
我继父就会受伤
and it's really taking the attention away from me.
以至于所有人都不关注我了
Clearly, something doesn't want me
很显然什么东西不想让我
to walk down this aisle.
在这走向圣坛
Yeah. So maybe it's best
是吧所以我最好还是
I just sit this one out. Come on, Gus.
不掺和这事儿别这样格斯
You know I need a father figure to walk me down the aisle.
我需要一个父亲形象的人陪我走向圣坛
See, my real dad's an astronaut
你们知道吗我亲爹是个宇航员
and he's been busy on this super important space mission
自从我出生以来他就在忙一个
since before I was born. Whoa. Oh, holy shit.
超级无敌重要的太空任务哇塞啊我的天
I... you know, I never met my dad either.
我... 你知道吗我也从来没见过我爹
In fact, I was born in an orphanage.
事实上我是在孤儿院出生的
I mean, I wasn't born in an orphanage...
我是说我不是在孤儿院里出生的
I'm sorry. It just... it seems like
不好意思只是... 看起来
you're winding up to tell a very lengthy story
你要开始讲一个非常啰嗦的故事了
and I really don't have time for that.
我真没时间听这事儿
Right, yeah, of course.
没错确实当然了
Okay. Sir, if you wouldn't mind,
好了先生如果你不介意
would you take a couple steps down the aisle
能不能在这个过道上走两步
so I can get a better sense of what's going on in here?
让我能好好感觉感觉这里到底发生什么了?
I'd rather not.
我不想走
I'd really rather you did.
我就想让你走
Come on, Gus. This is important.
快点吧格斯这很重要的
We're getting married in one week.
一周后我们就要结婚了
Just walk down the aisle.
你就在这走几步吧
Okay.
好吧
Not so bad. No, no, keep going.
还不错不错不错接着走
Get into the aisle.
走到过道里来
I told you!
我告诉过你了!
We should, um...
我们应该... 呃...
We should really go check on him.
我们要过去看看他怎么样了
Sure. Fix this.
好的解决这事儿
Yes, as you wish, ma'am.
好的如你所愿女士
This is wrong.
这是错的
This is all wrong.
哪里都不对
God. Hi there!
我的天呐你好呀!
Oh, is it the ghost? Yeah.
啊是那只鬼不? 是啊
Fucking Jesus Christ!
我的老祖宗啊!
It's the ghost of Jesus?
是耶稣他老人家的鬼魂吗?
Oh, I have so many questions.
我有好多问题要问啊
Ask him what kind of wood I should use
问问他我做茶几的时候
when I'm building my end table.
应该用什么木头
No, it's not the ghost of Jesus Christ, man.
不是这不是耶稣他老人家的鬼魂好不好老兄
It's a... it's a lady ghost.
是个... 是个女鬼
Really? Describe her.
真的吗? 形容形容她
Well, okay, yeah. She's, uh...
呃好的唔她很呃...
well-built.
形象不错
Muscular? That's hot.
肌肉型的? 也太辣了吧
Yeah, muscular. All right, listen.
没错肌肉型的好了听着
I'm kind of in a time crunch here,
我现在时间比较紧
so if we could just... Get right to it.
所以我们能不能... 直奔主题
The thing is, I know I don't look old-fashioned,
问题是我知道我看上去不是很老派
but I am, and I really need Jane's father
但我本人很老派我真的需要简的亲爹
to walk her down the aisle. Isn't Jane's father
陪她走向圣坛简的爸爸不是
in outer space? What? No!
在外太空呢吗? 什么? 才没有呢!
She just told me he was.
她刚刚告诉我的啊
Jane's father is not in space.
简的爸爸不在太空
That is something I made up
这种谎话是我瞎编出来
to tell a two-year-old.
骗骗两岁小孩的
See, the thing is, I was a porn actress, okay?
问题是我是个A片女星好吧?
Yeah. Cindy Squirter.
是嘛喷射者辛迪
No? No.
不认识? 不认识
No? Cindy Squirter?
不认识? 喷射者辛迪?
Her dad was one of my costars
她爸爸是跟我合作的演员之一
and I was gonna come clean to her about it at some point,
而且在对的时候我是准备告诉她真♥相♥的
but I died when she was so young.
但我在她很小的时候就死了
Pac, what's happening? Tell me what's going on.
派克发生什么了? 告诉我怎么了
Okay, she was a porn star.
好吧她其实是个A片明星
Actress. Muscle porn?
女演员肌肉型的A片?
Yo, that's my jam! I know.
哟那是我的死穴啊! 我知道
Okay, Hook me up!
好吧快介绍介绍我啊!
This might be kind of easier than we think.
这可能比我们想象的要简单不少
You just tell us the name of that costar,
你只要告诉我们跟你合作的演员的名字
we go round him up and bring him to the wedding.
我们去找他然后把他带来婚礼就好了
Piece of cake. I don't know
小菜一碟我不知道
who Jane's father is. That's the problem.
简的爸爸是谁这才是问题所在
I made a lot of movies
我在怀上简那段时间
around the time that Jane was conceived.
演过许多影片
All I know is it was October 1991
我只知道是1991年的十月
and the only person with the information
知道我曾经跟谁合作
of who I was in the movies with
一起拍电影的
was my agent, Saul.
只有我的经纪人索尔
Your agent Saul.
你的经纪人索尔
Okay, good. That's where we'll start, then.
好的很好那这就算是我们的突破口
Come on, let's go. So, does she have, like,
快点赶紧走啊所以她身材有没有
a Sylvester Stallone kind of body?
很像史泰龙?