奥卡菲娜是来自皇后区的诺拉

这是个新地方 -不 不是
No, this is a new spot. - It's not.
每间宿舍看起来都一样
All dorm rooms kind of look the same anyways.
这个说法可以接受了吗
Is that better?
这明明就是我爸的宿舍
I know this is my dad's dorm.
好酷 我可以出现在这个故事里吗
Cool. Can I be in the story too?
不行 快出去 -爸 快出去
No, get out of here. - No, come on, Dad.
让他说下去
Let him do it.
萨德带了这个女孩回来
Anyways, Thad brings this girl home and man,
她超级棒啦
is she a 10 out of 10.
火♥辣♥性感 米其林级别 烂番茄评分98%
Dime piece, Michelin rated, 98% on Rotten Tomatoes.
可以了 我们懂了
Okay, we get it.
然后她说...
So she's like--
你介意我吃这个卷饼吗
Do you mind if I eat this burrito?
然后萨德说... -闻起来不错
And Thad was like-- - Smells great.
那是胭脂红鸡吗
Is that achiote chicken?
这实际上是加入了双倍山椒的牛肉
It's actually barbacoa with extra jap-a-leño peppers.
你喜欢肛♥交♥吗
Do you like anal?
你厕所在哪里
Where's your bathroom?
兄弟 这是什么狗屁故事
Doug, what kind of story is this?
这都不是关于你的故事 -长话短说
It's not even about you. - Well, long story short,
他有个辣椒籽在他的马眼里
he got a jalapeño seed in his pee pee hole.
我的黑匣子上收不到信♥号♥♥
I can't get a signal on my black box.
我上楼试试
I'm gonna try upstairs.
谢谢你啊 道格 谢谢你这个没人想听的
Anyway, thank you, Doug, for that fully disgusting story
恶心故事
that no one asked for.
怎么 你有比这个更好的故事吗
What? You got one better than spicy dick?
我的大拇指讲得都比你的"辣鸡鸡"故事好
A thumb could tell a better story than spicy dick!
至少我在故事里
At least I was in my stories.
我们都是R.L.斯坦鸡皮疙瘩"的作者]
Got a couple of R.L. Stine's here.
我有个诡异的
I got a weird one.
是吗 有多诡异
Oh yeah? Wait. How weird?
超级诡异
Weird.
我在高中的时候
In high school, I became friends
和几个婊里婊气的女孩成了朋友
with these two kind of bitchy girls.
那个真好
That was so good!
那次真刻薄 他都哭了
That was so mean. He cried.
是啊 但是太好笑了
Yeah, but that's so funny.
我们恶作剧地打电♥话♥给外卖♥♥店 911和停尸房♥
We prank called takeouts and 911, mortuaries.
你敢不敢给性感热♥线♥
I dare you to prank
打电♥话♥恶作剧
a phone sex hotline.
性♥爱♥热♥线♥ -没错
A phone sex hotline? - Yeah.
我以为要成年人才能打
I thought that was for people 18 or older.
打过去是要付费的吧
Doesn't that cost money?
不 免费的
No, not at all.
免费的吗 -对
No? - No.
好啊 那我打过去
Okay, yeah. Oh yeah, I'll do it.
好吧
Yeah.
嗨 你好
Well, hello.
欢迎拨♥打♥和威尔玛滚床单
Welcome to Warm the Bed with Wilma.
嗨 你的冰箱还能动吗
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
你能再说一遍吗 小可爱
Say that again, stud.
你的冰箱还能动吗
Is your refrigerator running?
这是个电♥话♥恶作剧吗
Are you prank-calling me right now?
当然不是
No.
你把免提关一下
Take me off speaker for a sec.
听着 孩子
Now, look, kid.
这不是我第一次接到恶作剧电♥话♥了
You're not my first prank caller.
虽然我不是很确定 但我能从你声音中听出来 应该是你朋友
But, I don't know, I can hear from your voice your friends
逼你打的 不过那也没事
kind of forced you to do this, and that's okay.
交给我 把免提开回去吧
I'll take care of it. Just put me back on speaker.
你问我的的冰箱还能动吗
You asked if my refrigerator is running?
对 -当然能用
Yeah. - It is.
那你最好去把它追回来
Well, you better go and catch it!
你觉得很有意思吗
Do you think this is funny,
你们这些小垃圾
you little pieces of shit?
她爆粗口了 -你才是垃圾呢
She said shit! - You're a piece of shit.
干得漂亮 诺拉
That's so good, Nora.
从来没有人这么对过我
No one ever had my back like that.
等等 一分钟多少钱来着
Wait, how much a minute was this?
不多 差不多 一分钟30快
Not a lot. Like, $30 a minute.
什么
What?
我们每次就只通了四个小时电♥话♥
We'd only talk in 4-hour increments.
我的天哪
Jesus Christ!
怪不得 这就说得通为什么我收到这么多数目的
I mean--that explains the phone bill that I have not yet
电♥话♥账单了
financially recovered from.
爸 这到底是故事会还是忏悔会
Dad, is this story night or guilt night?
总而言之 我给她回了电♥话♥
Anyway, I called her back.
你记了她的电♥话♥号♥码吗
You got her home number, right?
没有 在拨♥打♥热♥线♥上可以找到
No, just still on hotline.
天啊 你觉得我像爱迪生那么有钱吗
Holy shit, do I look like Con Edison to you?
我刚刚都好好听你说完了
I let you finish.
我甚至让道格说完了那个萨德的故事
I even let Doug kind of finish the Thad one!
抱歉
Sorry.
后来我们的关系越来越亲密
We ended up getting pretty close.
我连续月经已经超过11天了 这正常吗
Is it normal for my period to last 11 or more days?
还有 你觉得用巨型卫生巾的话
And, do you think you could lose your virginity
会破处吗 因为它们真的超级大
to a super plus tampon? Because they're humongous.
诺拉 别紧张 你吃的好好的就行
Nora, don't stress. Just make sure you eat well
还有经期的时候多喝水
and keep hydrated during your period.
而且我觉得 卫生巾应该不会让人破处
And no, a tampon shouldn't.
还有个小技巧 拉尿的时候
But here's a fun tip: when peeing,
记得把它往屁♥股♥那里拉一点
go ahead and pull that string towards your butthole.
别太用力 不然会漏出来
Not too hard so it slips out.
真有你的 太聪明了 为什么我之前就没想到呢
Oh man, that's genius. I hadn't even thought of that.
青春期真的太不爽了 威尔玛
Puberty sucks, Wilma.
我的朋友拿我不刮毛嘲笑我
Like, my friends make fun of me 'cuz I don't shave my legs.
我的体育老师还说 如果 如果你年纪轻轻
My gym teacher had mentioned that if--if--when you do start
就开始刮毛的话 它会越长越浓
shaving your legs super young, they grow back real coarse like
最后会变得像汤姆·塞莱克的肛毛一样
Tom Selleck's butthole hair, you know?
你不愿意刮的话当然可以不刮
You don't need to shave if you don't wanna shave!
我认识的很多人都喜欢这种天然美
I know a lot of guys who like natural beauties anyway.
你也不刮吗
Do you not shave?
当然刮啦 我的阴处光滑得像秃鹫似的
Oh, no, my vagina's balder than an eagle.
像冷血人史蒂夫·奥斯汀的包皮一样
Looks like Stone Cold Steve Austin's foreskin.
挺酷的 我挺喜欢他的
Cool. I love him.
假期快乐
Happy holidays.
你也假期快乐 小可爱
Happy holidays to you, honey.
我爱你 威尔玛 -我也爱你 诺拉
I love you, Wilma. - I love you too, Nora.
别忘了把卫生巾扯出来
Don't forget to yank that tampon out.
都快差不多 六个小时了
It's been, like, six hours.
噢 对 我一定记着
Oh yeah. No, I won't.
再见 宝贝 -拜拜
Bye, baby. - Bye.
所以你和一个陌生人讨论你月经的事
So you talked to a total stranger about your period?
听起来就好像你还在上高中的时候
Sounds like you were having an affair with a phone sex operator
和一个性♥爱♥电♥话♥接线员谈恋爱
while you were in high school.
你真猛 诺拉 这可是好事
You a G, Nora. That's some good shit.
这不是那方面的事 一点都不相关
No, it wasn't sexual, like, at all.
对 你说的都对
Yeah, right.
和性♥爱♥电♥话♥接线员谈话不是勾引吗
It wasn't sexual talking to a phone sex operator?
每天都打吗 -每天
Every day? - Every day.
这不是勾引 道格
It wasn't sexual, Doug.
敬你一杯 交际花
Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.
我只是想要个妈罢了
I just wanted a mom!
嘿 终于有信♥号♥♥了
Hey! I finally got a signal!
还有点闪屏 但终于可以看火♥辣♥频道了
It's snowy, but I got the Spice Channel!
好吧 看来我得走了
Okay, it's time for me to go.
你从没提起过她
You don't talk about her a lot.
但我知道你很想她
But I know you miss her.
我已经放下了 爸
I've come to terms with it, Dad.
你还记得她吗 -一些零碎的回忆而已
Do you remember her? - In fragments.