奥卡菲娜是来自皇后区的诺拉

我当时在做核磁共振 然后就发生地震了
I was in the MRI machine, the earthquake happened.
肯定是导致时空裂缝什么的
It must have like ripped a hole in the space-time continuum?
但我又没做核磁共振
Yeah, but I wasn't in the MRI.
我当时在上小号♥来着 为什么我也到这了
I was like taking a number two, so why am I here too?
也许....可能是因为你在墙的另一边
Well...maybe--maybe you were like on the other side
或者... -对诶
of the wall or-- - Yeah.
这样就说得通了 -确实 对
Yeah, that's make total sense. - Yeah, it does, yeah.
不需要多余的解释了
No further explanation needed.
好吧 那... -诶 那是不是个音像店
Well, just... - Wait, is that a video store?
我们还没说完呢
We should--we should finish talking about this.
天啦 我好久没进过音像店了
Oh my God, I haven't been to one of these in so long.
是
Yeah.
不是吧 "妓♥女♥如歌♥"诶
Girl, "The Whores."
是"岁月如歌♥" "岁月如歌♥"
"The Hours." "The Hours."
她们演得太好了 -是
So good. - Yeah, love it.
这个 你们圣诞节的时候会看这个吗
Wait. Do you guys watch this on Christmas?
"神奇燕尾服"吗 不看
"The Tuxedo"? No.
看"圣诞故事"
Um, "A Christmas Story."
听起来不错 -非常不错
So good. - Really good.
等一下 你记得这部电影吗
Wait, do you remember this movie,
电影里 他好像操了一个馅饼 还发出这样的声音
where he like fucks a pie and is like urg-urg-urg.
然后他爸进来了 但他还是一副饥渴的样子
And then like the dad comes in, but he's like also really horny?
他的眉毛非常浓密
And then he has those really thick eyebrows.
是啊
Yes.
我的天 "水果国度"
Oh my God, "Fruitopia."
我的天 我超爱的 这真像是一个
Oh my God, I love--that is such a throwback
潮流的轮回 -对吧
right there. - Right?
我爱这个时代 -是啊
I love this era. - Yeah.
我的老天 多力多滋 -多力多滋
Oh my God, Doritos 3D! - Doritos 3D!
还有...即时通 在即时通上的即时通讯
And--and--and AIM, instant messaging on AIM.
伊凡塞斯乐队[暗夜精灵] -卡西欧手表
Evanescence! - Baby G watches.
某人最后一口气的低沉喘息声
The muffled gasps of someone's last breath!
啥 -"海军罪案调查处"这部剧
What? - I said "NCIS."
是啊 "海军罪案调查处" -太棒了
"NCIS," Yeah. - So good.
没错
Oh, yeah.
我天 我有个绝妙的点子
Oh my God, I have an amazing idea.
我去 是啊 什么 -嘘 跟我来
Shit, yeah, what? - Ssh, come with me.
所以 一般在在穿越时空的电影里
Okay, so in time travel movies,
主人公总是会去图书馆 -是啊
they always go to a library. - Yeah.
我们要找到图书管♥理♥员♥
We should find a librarian.
他们就像精灵一样 知识精灵
They're like the elf, but for knowledge.
我知道什么是图书管♥理♥员♥ -是嘛
I know what a librarian is. - Oh.
科学 我们来了
Here we go, science.
看 这电脑真大
Oh, look how big the computers are.
科幻小说
Science fiction.
好吧 看来我们要在这里找到关于时空穿梭的内容
Okay, so this is where we're gonna find out about
因为这是知识
time travel, because it's knowledge.
你知道什么是小说吗
Do you know what fiction means?
真理 -不 小说不是...
Truth. - No, it doesn't mean...
科学真理 -才不是
Science truth! - No!
你在说什么... -安静
What are you talking... - Sssh!
这里是图书馆 不是鸭子竞技场
Okay, this is the library, not a duck rodeo.
非常抱歉 管♥理♥员♥女士 -抱歉
So sorry, library lady. - Sorry.
但是 快问快答 - 这没必要
But, hey. Quick Q. - We don't need to.
我们没必要拉她下水 -很快的
We don't need to bring her in. - Quick Q.
哦
Yeah.
理论上讲 如果你要穿越时空到过去
Theoretically, if you were to like travel back in time.
你会怎么做
What would you do?
这问题挺奇怪的 但是...
Weird question but, um...
我绝对会回去找年轻时候的我
Well, I'd definitely go back and visit my younger self and warn
然后告诉她 我曾经犯过的错
her about all the mistakes that I made,
希望她不要走我的老路
and hopefully she wouldn't make them.
真是个好主意
Oh my God, that is a great idea.
对吧 我绝对会告诉她
Right? I would definitely tell her
不要每天晚上都喝的酩酊大醉
not to get hammered every single night
用可♥卡♥因♥毁掉自己的鼻窦
and destroy her sinuses with cocaine and
也不要活得这么辛苦 虚度青春
not to constantly live so hard and get so wasted all the time.
不要每一部成♥人♥电♥影♥都接
And not to do every single adult film you're offered.
你是成人...电影明星吗
Oh, are you an adult...are you an adult film star?
你们...认不出我吗
You...you guys don't recognize me?
不认识 -我是康妮·林格
No. - I'm Connie Linguist.
康妮·林格
Connie Linguist?
我会说九种语言 我是说...这就是
I speak nine languages, and I mean...which is why I've been
我在这里工作的原因 不过...等等
working here, but...wait,
你还好吗 亲爱的 -还行
oh my God, are you okay? - Yeah, I'm okay.
别看了 -只是它看起来有点像得州
Well, don't look at it. - No, it just looks like Texas.
我知道 -好吧 我只是说说
I know. - Okay, I'm just saying.
我知道 -我们这儿有得州区
I'm aware. - We have a Texas section.
好了 诺拉 我们走 -好的
Okay, Nora. Let's go! - Okay.
我们去和年轻的自己聊聊
Let's go talk to our younger selves!
等等 你们需要什么...我可以和你们一起去吗
Wait, do you guys need any...can I come with you guys?
不行 -为什么
No. - Why?
等等 我忘记告诉你们了
Wait, I forgot to tell you.
穿越时空的第一要领是千万不要打乱过去的轨迹
The main rule of time travel is not to mess with the past.
安静
Ssshhh!
老天 我奶奶看起来一点都没变
Jesus, my grandma looks the same.
他们真的一点变化都没有
Man, they really haven't changed.
我的天 你♥爸♥弯腰了
Oh my God, your dad bent over,
我可以看到他的小♥弟♥弟♥的轮廓
and I could see the outline of his peeny.
真棒 爹地 -可以了
Oh yeah, hey, Daddy. - Okay.
天呐 这好像是我的自行车
Oh my--oh my God, I think that's--I think that's my bike.
我觉得她是我 呆在那里
I think that's me. Stay--stay there!
你好吗
Hey. Howdy doody.
没关系 我不会离你太近的
It's okay, it's good. I'll give you space.
我没有恶意
I'm just--I come in peace.
我需要你听我说
I need you to listen to me.
我是16年后的你
I'm you 16 years into the future.
所以请一定要听我说下去
So, please, listen to what I'm saying.
你现在觉得自己长大后
Uh, you--you right now, you think that you're gonna grow up
会成为一名宇航员 不是那个穿着尿布
to be like an astronaut, like one of the--not the lady that
开着车在全国各地游荡的女士
drove across country in the diaper,
而是真正的很酷的宇航员
but like a real cool astronaut.
你还认为你会成为女商人
And you think you're gonna be a business bitch.
而你认为你会和演员德文·萨瓦结婚
And you think you're gonna be married to Devon Sawa.
但除非你现在就改变 不然你会落得个
But unless you change right now, you're gonna end up
28岁还和爸爸奶奶住一起的下场
a 28-year-old fuck-up that still lives up in there.
好吧
Oh, okay.
还有 你要少抽点大♥麻♥
And, uh, you should smoke a lot less weed.
要少抽很多很多才行
Like a lot--a lot less.
还有 你会...在浴缸里大便...
Also, you're gonna...you're gonna poop in a hot tub...
想着会被冲下去
assuming that it goes to the bottom.
但它会浮上来
It comes back to the top.
它不会沉的 好吗
It's unsinkable, okay?
姐妹 你♥爸♥好像要走出来了
Hey, girl, your dad's about to come outside.
知道了 还有...有时你会
Okay. And...and you're
感到自己是个失败者
gonna feel like a loser sometimes.
而你会嫉妒别人 别这么做
And you're gonna be jealous of people. Don't be.
活在当下就好 -好吧
Just live in the present. - Okay.
快点 我们要走了
Come on, let's go. Let's go.
爱彼迎 优步 比特币会发达
Airbnb, Uber, bitcoin!
大♥麻♥会变得普遍
The marijuana industry in general.
别忘了 屎是不会沉下去的
Don't forget that, that poop sinks to the top!
这是我家
So this is my house.
你真有钱
Wow, you're really rich.
但是2008年 我们家被强制拍卖♥♥了
Yeah, but then in 2008, we go into foreclosure.
天啊
Oh geesh.
我爱我们俩的组合
Nora, I love us.
我们就像哈罗德和库马尔[出自电影"猪头逛大街
We're like Harold and Kumar.
我们像谁
We're like what?
哈罗德和库马尔
Harold and Kumar.