我为养生狂（2023）

好,我们来干一杯敬现金收♥购♥、开放式格局
Okay, here's a toast to cash offers, open-concept living,
还有真爱
and true love.
敬达伯特和阿嘉
To Dalbert and Gaz.
-阿嘉,你搞什么? -快把头发藏起来
Gaz, what the fuck? - Hide his hair.
女士们,我们新郎有紧急状况
Ladies, we've just got a little bit of a groom emergency,
还有...19分钟处理一下
and we've got about 19 minutes to get it sorted.
-你们可以先... -你闪边好吗?
If you wanna have a quick-- - Butt out, Liv.
好啦,好凶
Okay, wow.
小达,我们能谈一谈吗?
Dal, um, can we have a chat?
你们过几小时就要结婚了 要聊待会再聊
Uh, you're getting married in a few hours. Chat later.
这个很重要
This is important.
宝贝,没关系,我也很焦虑
Babe, it's okay. I'm anxious too.
看吧
See, look at that.
一切都很好,很正常,我们可以去...
Everything's totally fine. It's normal. We're gonna go--
我背着你偷吃了
I cheated on you.
我的天,什么?
Oh, my God, what?
-你这荡♥妇♥ -阿嘉!
You slut. - Gaz!
好
Right.
我们来谈吧
Let's talk.
你欠我六块钱X
Well, you owe me $6.
听着,我对塞巴斯蒂安没感觉
Look, I don't have feelings for Sebastian.
我只是...我一时晕船了
I just-- I got confused,
我以为我想要,结果一发不可收拾...
and I got in my head like I do, and I just spiraled--
别说了,拜托
Stop, please.
你为什么现在跑来告诉我这些事?
Why are you telling me all of this now?
因为我不想用谎言开始我们的生活
Because I don't wanna start our life together on a lie.
我要你知道那对我毫无意义
And I need you to know that it meant nothing.
我猜我只是有疑虑
I was just having doubts, I guess.
对我们的事?
About us?
不是
No. No.
也许吧
我是指婚礼,一切都太仓促了
Maybe. I mean, about the wedding, rushing into everything,
所有决定都是你做的
and you making all the decisions.
我觉得我只是被拖着走
I felt like I was just along for the ride.
如果我不做决定 根本会一事无成,阿嘉
If I don't make the decisions, then nothing gets done around here, Gaz.
-你也很清楚自己是怎样的人 -对,我很清楚
You know what you're like. - Yeah, I-- I do know what I'm like.
我知道很蠢
And I know it was stupid.
我和塞巴斯蒂安亲吻的那一刻 我就知道是天大的错误
The moment that Sebastian and I kissed, I knew it was a huge mistake
因为你才是我想共度一生的...
because you're the one I wanna spend my life with--
但你非要回去找他才能想通
But you had to go back to him to figure that out.
对不起
I'm sorry.
如果你不能找我商量,道歉是没用的
Sorry doesn't cut it if you can't talk to me.
真想不到阿嘉会这样对达伯特
I can't believe Gaz would do that to Dalbert.
我们都不清楚细节
Well, we don't know the details.
可能没那么严重
May not be as bad as it sounds. - Yeah.
你还在替他找借口?
So you're making excuses for him?
难怪他觉得自己的行为没问题
No wonder he thinks his behavior's okay.
谢谢你,碧昂卡,但请你别鸡婆
Thank you so much, Bianca, but you can back off now.
我是梅冈,她才是碧昂嘉
It's Megan. That's Bianga.
分♥析♥现实面,达伯特就像是豪♥宅♥
Look at the facts. Dalbert's like a luxury listing.
他是性感的房♥地♥产♥经纪人 是明日之星
He's a sexy real estate agent whose star is rising.
而阿嘉...在健身房♥工作
Gaz... works at the gym.
你那个化名难听得要命
Okay, well, you were punished with a made-up name.
劝你最好去含个薄荷
You might wanna get a little mint.
好,现在已经变成八点档闹剧了
Okay, this is some Real Housewives-level drama going on,
我看得很高兴
and I am here for it.
我的咨商师要我避免冲突
My therapist told me to avoid conflict. - [Lorraine scoffs]
那东西怎么会在那里?
How did that get here?
是达伯特买♥♥给阿嘉做为惊喜
Dalbert bought it as a surprise for Gaz.
那个无私的混♥蛋♥
Oh, that selfless bastard.
我把整件事搞砸了,是吧?
I've really ruined everything, haven't I? [sniffles]
今天的重点是我们要成为一家人
Today was supposed to be about us becoming a family.
我们还是可以
It still can be.
小达,你是我真命天子
Dal, you're my guy,
我爱你
and I love you,
我今天真的很想跟你结婚
and I really, really wanna marry you today.
你还愿意跟我结婚吗?
Will you still marry me?
达伯特没有家人吗? 为什么伴娘是她们?
Does Dalbert not have any family? Why are they bridesmaids?
她们怎么穿成那样?
What are they wearing?
真的,她看起来像是关着灯打扮的
I know. She looks like she got dressed in the dark.
请起立
Please stand.
我们要这样吃闷亏吗?
Think they should be going through with this?
-我觉得我们该说点什么 -闭嘴,奥莉维亚,别闹了
I feel like we should say something. - Zip it, Olivia. Don't make a scene.
敢伤害达伯特,我们会杀了你
Hurt Dalbert, and we'll kill you.
你敢再威胁我儿子,我会杀了你
Threaten my son again, and I'll kill you,
而且不会有人发现 你们瘦骨如柴的尸体
and no one will find your emaciated, flayed bodies.
她是个疯子
She's a psycho.
所以...同志爱
So... gay love.
艾美...
Hello. Ames. Ames.
我的行程搞乱了,我不能留下来跳舞
My schedule's totally screwed. I can't even stay for the dancing now.
但你会错过我经典的派对舞步
Oh, but you'll miss me busting out my classic party moves.
天啊,别跳了
Oh, my God, stop it.
你的致词准备得如何?
Oh. How are you feeling about your speech?
我得弥补过去39年来
Well, you know, I've gotta make up
亏欠家人的一切,所以我绝不能搞砸
for the last 39 years of disappointing my family.
你不会搞砸的
So I can't fuck it up. - You're not gonna fuck it up.
是我耶
Uh, it's me.
我做什么都搞砸,记得吗? 算是我的专长
I fuck everything up, remember? It's kind of my thing.
妈妈和阿嘉从没这么生气过
Mum and Gaz have never been more pissed.
我只是...我以为会有更多时间
I just-- I just thought I would have more time.
我就这么走掉好像不太对
It feels wrong leaving like this.
艾美
Ames.
我们要去建议树写点东西
Uh, quick. We've gotta go write something on the advice tree.
我列了一整张报表
Oh, I have a spreadsheet of thoughts.
嘿,别忘了加一条
Hey, make sure you guys add
大干特干后记得要尿尿
that you need to remember to pee after a massive fuck-fest.
-闭嘴,莉维 -你好
Shut up, Liv. - Oh, hello.
真是好建议
Good advice.
我在想,也许你能留一支舞给我
I was thinking maybe you could save me a dance for later?
我可以教你几招,但我没办法
Oh, well, I could show you some moves, but I can't.
我要早点走去赶飞机
I gotta bounce early to take my flight.
-你今晚就要去纽约了? -对
Oh, you're going to New York tonight? - Yeah.
而且我的行程很紧 连吃甜点的时间都没有
And, um, my schedule is really crunchy, so I can't even stay for dessert.
好吧
Okay.
看来要说再见了
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
我想是吧
Yeah, I guess it is.
除非,就是...
Unless, you know,
你愿意屈服于终极诱惑
you wanna finally give in to the ultimate temptation.
好棒
Oh, wow. - Mmm.
真好吃
That's good. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
很高兴我们终于一起吃冰淇淋了
Glad we're finally having our ice cream. - Hmm.
这其实是...
I mean, it's kind of more of a...
那种燕麦腰果做的
An oat-y cashew thing.
对
Yeah.
-但是很好吃,我喜欢 -是很好吃
It's nice though. I like it. - It is good.
对
Yeah.
老实说,这趟回家诸事不顺,不过...
I gotta say, coming home hasn't been easy, but...
认识你不算是最糟的
meeting you wasn't the worst.
对,我是真的会想你
Yeah. I'm actually gonna miss you.
靠,老兄,想念我没什么不好
Shit yeah, buddy, I'm missable.
通常这个时候我们会接吻,不过...
Well, normally, this would be the part where we kiss, but...
对
Right.
对
Yeah.
等一下
Oh, one second.
好
Okay. Okay.
靠
Fuck.
真希望我们在不同的时空相遇
I just wish we met at a different time.
对,我懂
Yeah, I know.
别盯着我看,吃你的冰淇淋
Stop looking at me and eat your ice cream.
好
Yeah.
嘿