我为养生狂（2023）

嘿,薇乐莉
Hey, Valerie.
妳说要写一篇独家结果交这种垃圾上来?
You pitched an exclusive, and then delivered this shit?
到底怎麽回事?
What's the deal?
说好的加布列沃夫专访呢?他为什麽会弃肉投蔬?
Where's my Gabriel Wolf interview? Why did he ditch meat?
我实在不觉得他会跟我说...
Look, I just don't think he was ever gonna tell me that--
妳要逼紧一点
Whoa! - You should've pushed him harder.
-这篇我不会登 -请专心
I'm not publishing this. - [instructor] Focus, please.
我在这裡帮妳东奔西跑,妳这样搞我
I went out on a limb for you, and you're screwing me.
所以我现在不能推妳去当节目评审
So right now, I can't sell you as a judge for this show.
不,妳当然可以,一定要...
No, you can. You absolut--
该死!
Damn it! Argh!
抱歉,大家平安
Sorry. Namaste.
妳的负能量渗透了所有人的气场
Your negative energy is penetrating everyone's auras.
来,老鹰式
Now, eagle.
♪ You can call me the good-time girl ♪
我正式完蛋了
I'm officially fucked.
我怎麽没回去找加布列
Why didn't I go back to Gabriel's
灌几杯龙舌兰酒
and just chug some tequila
像我以前一样 把内情从他口中挤出来?
and pry the story out of him like I usually do?
-有个叫绿卡的小东西 -天啊,妳真有逻辑
Little thing called a green card. - Oh, my God, you and your logic.
快来救我!
I need help!
别那麽快就放弃
Look, it's not over till it's over.
好吗?妳只要提醒薇乐莉妳有多棒
Okay? You just need to remind Valerie how awesome you are.
我现在困在世界另一端 要怎麽提醒她??
How am I supposed to do that when I'm on the other side of the world?
也许妳只要跳脱框架 就能让她刮目相看
Maybe you've just gotta think outside the box to impress her.
什麽?
What?
(女性自用润滑液)
我这方面没问题,相信我
I have no issue there, trust me.
她明天的记者会 有安排一个位子给《标准报》
The Standard's already got a slot on her press junket.
“国际知名性与自我奋起大♥师♥”
"Internationally-renowned sex and self-empowerment guru."
欧普拉也追踪她
Oprah follows her.
她要开一场新书座谈会
She's doing a seminar on her latest book,
另外在我好中心开几场个别课
plus a few private sessions at the Be Well Center.
卡蜜儿拉...
Camille Lav--
拉...拉维格...拉...
La-- Lavigne-- La--
拉维珍...
Lavig--
是拉维尼,她是法国人,非常神秘
Lavigne. Yeah, she's French and frustratingly elusive.
从来不接专访
Never does profiles.
重大新闻,又一个神秘的健康大♥师♥
Ah, breaking news, another elusive wellness guru.
传说她属于 法国阿尔卑斯山上的宗教团体
There's rumors she was in a cult in the French Alps,
但没有人知道她的背景
but no one knows her background.
这几年她突然受到注目
She just appeared on the radar a few years ago.
所以如果我挖到她的私生活 绝对是独家
So if I get a scoop on her personal life, it will definitely be an exclusive.
甚至可能会爆红
Might even go viral.
-或至少能引起的薇乐莉注意 -没错
Or make enough noise to impress Valerie. - Exactly.
所以妳今天去跟海伦提桉
So go in, pitch your take to Helen.
海伦还没派人去?
Helen hasn't given it to anyone else?
算妳走运,不知哪个脑残
Well, lucky for you,
在澳洲新闻奖上 给了生活时尚记者古♥柯♥硷
some idiot gave our lifestyle writer coke at the AJAs.
他又回去戒毒了
He's back in rehab.
要来一点吗?
You want in?
是啊,真是不幸
Yeah, that's unfortunate.
♪ Don't listen to no one but me ♪
♪ 'Cause I got a trick or two Right up my sleeve ♪
♪ You're gonna see All the trouble we'll get into ♪
♪ Believe in this magic I put on you ♪
妳好
Hi.
道格还背着妳打手♥枪♥吗?
Is Doug still jerking off without you?
-拜託,莉维,这裡是办公室 -那就是有
Jesus, Liv, workplace. - Take that as a yes.
妳跟他谈过了吗?
Have you talked to him?
那就是没有
Take that as a no.
谢谢
Thank you.
如果妳和他都要自己来 你们显然都有需求
If you're wanking and he's wanking, there's obviously an itch.
我觉得把手指插♥进♥屁♥股♥很有用
I find sticking a finger up an arse usually helps.
这就对了
There you go.
好的 - 谢谢你
Okay. - Thank you.
-妳可以的,希利 -好
You got this, Healy. - Yeah.
大家都想看深度专访
An in-depth profile is what everyone wants,
但卡蜜儿是世界知名的专业女性
but Camille is a sophisticated, worldly woman.
她不会随便对人敞开心胸
She won't open up to just anyone.
要找和她同样层次的人才行妳不是美食作家吗?
It needs to be someone on her level. - Aren't you a food writer?
是的,我正在扩大领域
Well, yeah, I'm diversifying.
我有一整个办公室 真正替我工作的记者
I have an office full of journalists who actually work for me.
-我何必找妳? -我们来看看妳的选项
Why do I need you? - Let's look at your options.
妳的生活时尚记者去戒毒了
Your lifestyle writer's in rehab,
妳的调查记者太紧绷
your investigative journo is way too intense,
其他人都太严肃 不可能光靠聊天就能聊出端倪
and everyone else is too uptight to lean into details of oral stimulation.
我爱禁忌,是我生活的泉源
I love the taboo. I live for it.
我懂卡蜜儿,我也懂妳
I get Camille, and I get you,
我知道妳超想挖出这女人的底细
and I know you are desperate to get a whiff of how this woman ticks.
所以妳准备如何从15分钟的问答
How do you propose to get such a personal insight
写出精彩的个人专访?
from a 15-minute Q and A?
就像我说服娜塔莉波曼
Same way I got Natalie Portman
参加素热狗大胃王比赛一样
to compete in a vegan hot-dog-eating contest.
用强迫的?
By forcing her?
让她认为是她自己想要的
Convincing her it's her idea.
妳玩弄他们?
You play them?
投其所好
I give them what they want.
我能让妳看到真正的卡蜜儿拉维杨
And I can get you the real Camille Lavinyen.
♪ Three, six, nine Damn you fine ♪
♪ Hoping she can sock it to me One more time ♪
♪ Get low, get low, get low Get low, get low ♪
♪ Get low, get low To the window-- ♪
好喔
Ooh! Okay.
嗨,那是我们俩专属的 但也欢迎妳加入
Hi. That was like a thing that we have, but you're also here, okay.
(《裸♥露♥妳自己》)
“残酷的诚实 无论性♥爱♥或人生都不可少”
"Brutal honesty, both in sex and in life, is essential."
“少了它
"Without it, fear will determine your path, not desire."
恐惧将决定妳的道路 而不是慾望”
这女人真是字字珠玑
I mean, this woman is on point.
所以她的建议是沟通
So her advice is to communicate.
真是石破天惊
That's groundbreaking.
是食物调理机耶
Hey, a food processor.
-还是... -手持搅拌器?红色那个
Or... - Stick blender? The red one.
我觉得她说的是更深刻的,小达
I think it's a little more nuanced than that, Dally.
她说的是离开舒适圈勇敢冒险
She talks about leaning into the uncomfortable, taking risks.
或是别紧抱着手持搅拌器不放
Maybe removing said stick blender from one's arse.
再告诉我一次,妳是来做什麽的?
Remind me again why you're here.
妈妈的退休礼物
Mum's retirement gift.
我们关心的不只是你们的婚礼
Your wedding isn't the only thing on the agenda.
-今天明明是 -对了,买♥♥床单给妈如何?
Today, it was. - Hey, what about linen for Mum?
为什麽? 因为她已经没有理由下床了?
Why? 'Cause she's got no reason to get out of bed anymore?
很奢华,不是吗?
I mean, it's fancy, isn't it?
对,但她觉得发泡牛奶也很奢华
Yeah, but she thinks frothy milk's fancy.
送她一台胶囊咖啡机
Just get her a Nespresso.
这主意还真不错
That is not a bad idea.
-要不要搭配咖啡杯呢? -好
Should we get coffee cups to go with it? - Yeah.
能不能先专心处理我们的清单?
Can we just focus on our list for one second?
我们要无梗还是有梗的?
Do we wanna get stemless or stems?
无梗的好了,比较摩登
Maybe stemless? More modern.
虽然白酒比较容易退冰 但我们多半喝红酒
Although white wine gets warmer quicker.
天啊,谁来刺瞎我的眼睛
But we mostly drink red. - Oh, my God, stab me in the eye.
我们买♥♥无梗的
We're getting stemless.
也许你们可以把这列入礼品清单
Maybe you guys could add this to your registry.
瞭解成为大方情人的小秘诀
Get some tips on how to be a more generous lover perhaps?
我们的性生活没有问题
We don't have a problem with our sex life.
其他方面也没问题
Yeah, or anything else for that matter.
异性恋的才需要大♥师♥
It's the straights that need gurus.
这是阴♥部♥
That's a vagina.
不好意思,你们有那种拿铁杯吗?
Oh. Hey, excuse me. Do you, um-- Do you have any of those latte glasses?
-那种双层的? -都卖♥♥完了,你可以预订
The double-walled ones? - None left. You can order them in.
我们要订吗?还是太过头了?
Should we do it, guys? Or is that too much?
不关我的事
I don't care.
-去订吧 -是吗?
Just get them. - Yeah?
-当然 -好喔
Sure. - Okay, cool.
天啊,小达,那个还在
Oh, my-- Dal, it's still here.