我为养生狂（2023）

Wait, you invited Mum?
-我会过敏 -你很爱妈妈
I've got allergies. - You love Mum.
我可不爱看你们母女反♥目♥
I don't love the prospect of you two going at each other.
不会的,我们是大人了我们可以很文明,好吗?
No, we're adults. We can be civil, all right?
今天的重点是让你开心,看着
Today's all about what you want. Watch.
-洛琳,真高兴见到你 -这里味道有点重
Hello, Lorraine. Lovely to see you. - Oh. It's a bit whiffy in here.
我觉得鼻孔好像当机了
Feels like my nostrils are having a seizure.
准备接受无微不至的呵护吗?只剩五小时就要上场了
Ready for some indulgent pampering? There's only five hours to go-time.
希利先生请随我到浸润石窟
Mr. Healy, if you would like to follow me to the marinating grotto.
-该你上了,阿嘉 -好
You're up, Gazaroo. - Oh, okay.
内♥裤♥要穿着
Keep your undies on.
真假?
What? Seriously? - Mmm.
你的背好恶心
Your back is disgusting.
-恶心死了 -你说什么?
Yuck. - Excuse me?
比猫的屁♥眼♥还紧
It's tighter than a cat's bumhole.
我今天要结婚,所以压力有点大
Well, it's my wedding today, so I guess I've been a bit stressed.
但这很正常吧?
But that's normal, right?
这些肌肉充满愧疚,恶心死了
Ugh! So much guilt in these muscles. Yuck.
-你真的不跟我说话? -有看到阿嘉吗?
You're really not talking to me? - Do you see Gaz?
好,我们先熬过今天,明天再谈
Fine, let's just get through the day. We'll talk tomorrow.
不过我要声明一点,我不会道歉
But just so you know, I'm not saying sorry.
你害我差点错失人生最大的事业契机
You almost cost me the biggest opportunity of my career.
你现在健康得不得了
You're healthier than you've ever been.
又可以参加弟弟的婚礼
You're at your brother's wedding.
我在吼你,你别一直笑好吗?
Could you please stop laughing while I'm trying to yell at you?
拜托你别吼我好吗? 你应该感谢我才对
Can you please stop yelling at me? You should be thanking me.
你脑袋坏掉了吗?
Are you deranged?
我想该送你去养老院了,洛琳
I think it might be time to put you in a home.
把绿卡弄丢是你这辈子最棒的一件事
Losing your green card was the best thing that ever happened to you.
我没弄丢,是被你偷走了
I didn't lose it. You stole it.
天啊!
Oh, my!
-别乱动 -我没办法
Hold still. - I can't!
-天啊,别这样转 -我没办法!
Oh, my God. Stop gyrating. - No, I can't!
好喔,你直接刷进来
Ah! - Oh, okay. Wow, you're right up in there.
是不是?离三角洲很近
See? It's very close to one's bajingo.
三角洲?
"Bajingo"?
我的天啊!
Oh, my God!
天啊!
Oh, dear.
我还是对你超不爽的
This doesn't mean I'm not still crazy angry at you.
喂,我们走吧
Hey. Let's get out of here.
别把她弄成丈母娘的样子
Um, I don't want anything over here that says like, "Mother of the groom."
麻烦把他打亮
And if you could make him glassy.
我要在他脸上 看到我自己的倒影,谢谢
I wanna be able to see my reflection in his face. Thank you.
还有你,麻烦帮我修一下毛
Glassy? - And you, prune me, please.
各位,我们来对时
All right, everyone, let's sync our watches.
还有整整两个小时,婚礼就要开始了
We've got exactly two hours until aisle time.
我们要按照行程走
We need to stick to schedule.
我一直在想...
So I've been thinking...
我这样做对吗?什么?好痛
Am I doing the right thing? - What? Ow.
婚礼前有疑虑?是坏兆头
Having doubts before the wedding? That's a bad omen.
他没有疑虑 他只是想想罢了,对吧?
What? He's not having doubts. He's just thinking. Aren't you, Gaz?
我不太确定
Yeah, I'm not sure.
你从以前就整天念着要结婚
Oh, you've wanted to get married ever since I can remember.
对,可是...这会不会太匆促了?
Right, but... I mean, did we rush this?
我怎么知道达伯特是我的真命天子
Like, how do I know that Dalbert is the one,
或我会是个好丈夫吗?
or if I'm even gonna be a good husband?
你当然会是个好丈夫
Oh, of course you're going to be a good husband.
你们俩如此相爱 而且达伯特是个很棒的年轻人
You're crazy about each other, and Dalbert is a wonderful young man.
-莉维说他很强势 -什么时候?
Liv said he was pushy. - When?
他不让我买♥♥那个大烛台那次
When he wouldn't let me buy that candelabra.
你还说我跟塞...比较开心
And you also said that I was much more fun with Se--
跟我以前那些男朋友
Some of my past boyfriends.
我是这么说过,但我懂个屁
I did say that. But what the fuck would I know?
你害我开始胡思乱想,我就...
Well, it got in my head, and I...
我做了傻事
I did something stupid.
出了什么事?宝贝
What happened, love?
-花送来了 -谢天谢地
Flowers are here. - Oh, thank God.
靠,那是什么?
Fuck, what are those?
黑芍药,很大胆的选择
Black peonies. A very brave choice.
不对,我没有订黑芍...
No, okay, I didn't order black peo-- - [florist clears throat]
我还真的订了
No, I totally did.
啊,我可能在嗑药嗨时订的
Oh, yeah, I may have done this when I was really high.
黑色的花?是死亡的预兆
Black flowers? An omen of death.
我不能在婚礼上拿死亡花
Well, I can't have death flowers at my wedding.
我仓库里有一些粉红百合
I've got some pink lilies back at the warehouse.
我可以拿来换
I'll swap them over if you want.
只要等我半小时到45分钟
Only take me half an hour, 45 minutes tops.
绝对不行-我们没时间了 -也许还有时间
Absolutely not. We-- We don't have any time.
我要找达伯特谈一谈
May-- Maybe we do. I think I need to talk to Dalbert.
不,听我说,你不用找达伯特谈
No, hey, look, you don't need to talk to Dalbert.
你只是有婚前焦虑
You're just having pre-wedding jitters.
很正常,就是婚姻第一章,对吧?
It's totally normal. Isn't it marriage 101?
虽然我很不想承认,但她说得没错
I hate to admit it, but I think she's right.
而且你看,这才不是死亡之花 其实很漂亮的
Yeah, and look. They're not death flowers. They're kind of amazing.
-在IG上绝对吸睛 -没错,主题卷标“令人难忘的芍药”
They'll be awesome on the 'Gram. - Yeah, true. Hashtag "memorable peonies."
有一只鸽子状况不太好
Uh, one of the doves, not doing so well.
我们需要马上准备糖水
We need some sugar water in here, stat.
死鸽子?是内疚和纷乱的预兆
Dead dove? That's an omen of guilt and chaos.
我要打给达伯特了
I need to call Dalbert.
婚礼前跟你的未婚夫说话? 那是凶...
Talking to your betrothed before the wedding? An omen--
去你的,死神棍 不是每件事都是凶兆
Oh, get fucked, Ozzy Osbourne. Not everything is a bad omen.
你要放轻松,好不好?
And you need to chill, okay?
我们只是出了一点小状况
We're just having a few setbacks. The dove's not even dead.
-鸽子又还没真的死 -天啊,那只鸽子在抽搐
[man] Oh, God, the dove's having a fit. - [dove grunting]
我只是心里有话要说出来
I just need to get something off my chest.
跟达伯特说会让你好过一点吗?
Will talking to Dalbert make you feel better?
也许会吧,会
Maybe. Yes.
应该吧,靠
I think so. Fuck, I-- I just can't-- I can't marry him until I talk to him.
我不能... 我要先跟他谈过才能跟他结婚
-好,我载你去 -我们要去哪里?
Okay, I'll drive you. - Where are we going?
不行,我们要照行程走你都还没弄好
No, we have a schedule. You don't have your things on.
阿嘉,快走
Gaz. Gaz, move.
-妈,把钥匙给我 -别这样
Mum, give me the keys. Give me the keys! - Hey.
-小心我的头发 -你到底是怎么了?
Mind my hair. - What the hell is wrong with you?
拜托,我们没时间搞这些
Come on, we don't have time for this.
大家都在等你五点整走上红毯 所以我们...
Everyone is waiting for you to walk down the aisle at 5:00, so let's--
我相信大家会理解的
I'm sure people will be understanding.
-我们可以往后延个半小时 -绝对不行,不可以
We can push it back by half an hour. - Absolutely not, no way.
我把所有行程都卡得好好的
I have Tetris-ed everything perfectly
这样我就能致词又能赶上飞机 我们赶快...
so I can give my speech and still make my flight. So let's...
你今天晚上要搭飞机?
Are you flying out tonight?
对,节目发布会提前了,所以...
Yeah, the-- The show launch got pulled forward, so...
-那你的绿卡呢? -我领到另一张了
Well, what about your green card? - Well, I got another one.
你一句话都没说?
And you didn't tell us?
准备就这样不告而别?
Were you just gonna leave without saying anything?
妈,该怎么说呢? 我不想再让你有机会把绿卡藏起来
I don't know, Mum, but I didn't wanna give you a chance to hide it again.
原来这才是重点所在?
That's what this has all been about?
你根本不在乎要帮我办个完美的婚礼
You don't actually care about giving me a perfect wedding day.
你只在乎你的电视节目
All you care about is your show.
-不,不是那样的... -我们的鸽子没了
No, that's not true-- - We've lost the dove.
看来你们要参加的是葬礼了
Looks like you're going to a funeral.
猜猜你嗑药嗨的时候谁去订了礼车?
Guess you ordered the wedding car while you were high too.
好吧,那的确是凶兆
Oh, okay, yeah, now that's a bad omen.
也许我们能抽个几分钟 跟达伯特谈,走吧
You know, maybe we've got a few minutes to have a chat with Dalbert. Let's go.
你真是帅爆了 你真是天才,我爱死你了
You look incredible. You're a genius. I'm obsessed.
记得我们刚认识的时候 你是很慢熟的人
Remember when we first met? You were a fixer-upper.
真的,像只皱巴巴的毛毛虫
Oh, yeah, such a wrinkled little caterpillar
等着破茧而出,飞入花花世界
waiting to burst out like a social butterfly.
-我的天啊 -没错
Oh, my God. - Yes.
但你现在骚得像装满古♥柯♥碱的柏金包
But now you're as hot as a fucking Birkin full of coke.
真可爱
Cute.