出柜家庭（2016）

The Real O'Neals S01E01

Part 2 Aug. 27, 2020, 11:24 a.m.

Hey.
肯尼快出来!
Come out, Kenny!
对呀肯尼你怎么不出去[出柜]呢?
Yeah, Kenny. Why don't you come out?
我不能出柜你没看见我妈那副样子么?
I can't come out. Have you ever met my mom?
她在马桶上都放了个圣母玛利亚的雕像
She put a statue of the virgin mary over the toilet
来让我们把马桶座放下来
So we'd put the seat down.
有点激进啊
That's intense.
你才激进
You're intense.
不但这真的会要了她的命
No, but it will literally kill her.
所以...
So...
我不可能是同志... 永远都不可能
I can't be gay ... ever.
我得学学该怎么... 和女孩爱爱
I need to learn how to do it ... with a girl.
我直的很
Straight sex.
我能行的
I can do this.
你戴好了吗？尺寸合适吗?
Do you have it on yet? Does it fit?
不行我还是做不到
Nope. Can't do this.
这么做真是...糟透了兄弟
That's a...bad idea, man.
我闪人了
I'm out of here.
等等! 不不不先别走啊!
Wait! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
我滴个神啊
Ohh! Oh, god.
不!
No!
天啊
Oh, god.
拜托圣母帮帮我
Come on, girl. Help me out.
我终于系好蝴蝶结了
I finally got the bow right!
不管怎样我们还是会出现在公告里的对吧
We're still in the bulletin, though, right?
好消息是几乎所有人都被尘土迷了眼
The good news is, almost everyone was blinded
所以没人看到避孕套
by plaster dust and didn't see the condoms.
但坏消息
The bad news is
是我妈确信我和蜜蜜偷吃了禁果
My mom was now convinced that I'd sinned with Mimi.
为什么不找我们家的水管工呢
Where's our regular plumber?
我必须得找一个陌生人来清理
I had to call in a stranger.
家丑不可外扬
We need to keep this Kenny thing contained.
你知道水管工们有多八卦
You know how gossipy plumbers are.
嘿
Hey.
你觉得老妈会怎么惩罚我?
What do you think mom's gonna do to me?
谁在乎啊?
Who cares?
你跟蜜蜜到底做了什么?
What did Mimi do to you?
额就是... 你懂得
Oh. Just ... you know,
就是... 那些情♥趣♥用♥品♥让我们俩都意乱情迷了
Just...all that sex stuff that drives us wild.
耶! 她意乱情迷了
Yeah! She did, man!
不管她怎么说你都不会下地狱的
No matter what she tells you, you're not going to hell.
相信我
Trust me.
如果她说的都是真的的话
If everything she said was true,
我早就瞎透了
I would be so blind by now.
她看上去气疯了
Whoa! She looks pissed.
好运
Good luck.
就让我先跟他说好吗
Just let me take the lead. Please?
请便你先上
Be my guest. Go right ahead.
好吧针对昨晚发生的事
Okay, so, some things happened last night
我觉得我们有必要好好聊聊
That I think we need to talk about.
你这次麻烦大了年轻人
You are in a heap of trouble, young man.
我知道现在外面的孩子都沉迷嘻哈
I know out in the rest of the world,
但在我们家就不行
Kids are humping to hip-hop, but not in this house.
艾琳
Eileen.
菲尔神父当时也在... 躲在他的衣领里!
Father Phil was here ... in his collar!
我跟蜜蜜说了但她完全听不进去
I told Mimi that, but she was unmoved by that argument.
闭嘴!
Zip it!
我还有许多圣女雕塑放在地下室
I have a lot more statues of the blessed virgin
你知道吗肯尼 ... 很大的那种
In the basement, Kenny ... big ones.
让我来告诉你这件事发展下去会怎样
Let me tell you how this ends.
- 来了 - 如果你让蜜蜜怀孕了
- Here it comes. - If you get Mimi pregnant,
那么你就去不了西北大学
Then you won't be able to go to Northwestern
也就不能像我们预想的那样
And become the youngest judge in Illinois history,
成为伊利诺斯州最年轻的法官
Like we always talked about.
我希望你都能做到
And I want that for you.
因为你是我的最爱
Because you're my favorite.
艾琳!
Eileen!
好吧好吧
Fine. Sure.
他们都是我的最爱
They're all my favorites.
嘿朱迪谢谢
Hey, Jodi. Thanks.
昨晚后来怎么样了?
How's things after last night?
没事啊没事
Things are good. Good.
我刚刚在教堂跳完燃脂健身舞
Because I just got out of cardio salsa at the church,
大家都在讨论肯尼和蜜蜜哦
And people were talking about Kenny and Mimi.
什么?
What?
猜猜谁说的最多
Guess who was yammering on the most.
大八卦玛西亚沃夫曼
Marcia bleeping Worthman.
很明显肯尼的大量避孕套堵住水管的时候
Well, apparently, they found Mimi in her underwear
蜜蜜只穿了内衣
With hundreds of Kenny's condoms plugging their pipes.
真的假的?
Are you kidding?
当然是真的那些动作特难
No. Those moves are hard.
我觉得我好像扯到私处肌肉了
I think I pulled my vagina muscle.
女人是不是都有腹股沟?
Do women have groins?
真不错
This is nice.
现在所有人都要知道了
Well, now everyone's gonna know.
我们得把它扼杀在摇篮里
We need to nip this in the bud.
同意所以这样...
I agree. So I was thinking ...
我在费城有一个劣迹斑斑的表哥
I have this cousin back in Philly
他愿意为我做任何事
With a very questionable past who would do anything for me.
我说的 "任何事" 是指...
And by "Anything," I mean like...
杀了玛西亚沃夫曼
"Kill Marcia Worthman."
哇哦
Wow.
当然我们肯定不能这么干
Well, we're not gonna do that,
但我很喜欢你在帮我想
But I like that you're thinking.
- 能帮我把那个放到前面去么? -当然
- Can you put that in the front for me? - Yeah.
嘿我要去克利福德家看曲棍球
Hey. I'm gonna go watch the hockey game at Clifford's.
不行事情已经泄露了
No. It's out there.
我需要你帮我处理肯尼这件事
I need you to handle this Kenny thing
用你惯常处理事情的方式
The way you handle things.
我爸处理子女问题的方式
My dad's way of handling parenting stuff
就是带我们去他工作的地方
Was to bring us to work.
他想我们成为负责任的司机
He wants us to be responsible drivers,
于是就带我们去车祸现场
He takes us to a crash site.
看见那只手了么? 还在发短♥信♥呢
See that hand? It's still texting.
我发现了一个伤者!
Hey, I got a bleeder!
谁想吃冰淇淋啊?
Who wants ice cream?
在外面压着!
Express it out of here!
他不想我有婚前性行为?
He doesn't want me to have premarital sex?
他就带我去见了水晶
He takes me to Crystal.
她正兴致勃勃的告诉我
She was in the middle of telling me
她当性工作者的故事
Her sex-worker origin story,
但是我必须承认... 我整个开小差了
And I have to admit ... I was zoning out,
直到我听到...
Until I heard...
你怎么会想和你女朋友滚床单呢
Why do you want to have sex with your girlfriend?
我是说亲爱的很明显你是同志嘛
I mean, honey, clearly, you're gay.
什么?
What?
你怎么... 你怎么... 你怎么会这么想? 什么?
Where ... where ... where are you getting that? What?
怎么样了?
How's it going?
好棒呆了
Great. Super.
水晶姐跟你聊的真好谢谢了
Uh, thanks, Crystal. Good talk.
再见
Bye.
所以这事儿发生了
So that happened.
然后我们去了宾戈游戏之夜
And then we went to bingo night,
也可以被称为
Otherwise known as
"我妈尝试让所有人忘记我跟蜜蜜
"The night where my mom tries to make everyone forget
实际上并没有发生的啪啪啪之夜"
About the sex I didn't have with Mimi."
这是个挺重要的晚上
Okay. This is a big night.
并不只是对我来说对我们全家都是
And not just for me, but for our entire family.
我知道过去的24小时发生了很多事
I know we've had an eventful 24 hours,
但是我们已经跨过了这个沟
But now we're over the hump.
你刚刚说了 "沟" 好好笑