出柜家庭（2016）

The Real O'Neals S01E01

Part 1 Aug. 27, 2020, 11:24 a.m.

这是我们一家的故事-- 奥尼尔家
This is the story of my family -- the O'neals.
我们刚从教堂回来
We just came from church.
和往常一样我们举止优雅
As always, we're on our best behavior,
这要完全归功于我妈妈艾琳
and that's 100% due to my mom, Eileen.
肯尼椅子坐好
Kenny. Four on the floor.
抱歉
Sorry.
没错我就是那个叛逆者
Yep. I'm the rebel.
多么美好的一家
What a lovely family.
不是么?
Aren't they?
您需要点什么先生?
What I can get for you, sir?
吉米要一份去皮鸡胸肉
Jimmy will have the skinless chicken breast
加清蒸西兰花
With the steamed broccoli.
他要为摔跤比赛减重
He has to make weight for his wrestling match.
圣巴克利学校的比赛
St. Barclay's.
斗牛犬队万岁!
Go, bulldogs!
- 那么你呢先... - 我先生要一份
- And for you, si... - My husband will have the salmon
带柠檬片的鲑鱼
with a lemon wedge.
不能每顿都吃肉和土豆吧
Can't have meat and potatoes for every meal.
在我上天堂之前都不行
Not till I'm in heaven.
另外你能把你的小费捐给埃塞俄比亚的穷困儿童么?
Also, could you donate your tips to poor children in Ethiopia?
莎伦亲爱的别这么强硬嘛
Shannon, honey, don't be pushy.
凯伦需要自己做出决定
Karen needs to make her own moral decisions.
如果她不同意的话
It's her soul that's going to hell
那也是她自己的灵魂下地狱嘛
If she doesn't give you money.
我才刚上班
My shift just started.
我妈总是要求我们做到最好就好像上帝在注视着我们一样
My mom always told us to behave as if jesus were watching.
你要点什么肯尼?
What are you getting, Kenny?
通常都是我妈帮我点餐的所以...
Uh, she usually just orders for me, so...
真明智
Smart.
我也让她帮我点餐好了
I'm gonna let her order for me, too,
但是之后我会换成我想要的东西
But then I'm just gonna turn it into whatever I want.
生活就是这样
Mm. That's the life.
上帝其实并不在小伙伴们
Jesus wasn't really there, you guys,
你们明白就行
But you get it.
我们和别的家庭不一样
We were different than other families.
但是我将要改变这一切
But I was about to change all that.
我们要从这种家庭...
We were gonna go from this...
变成这种家庭
To this.
中心用力中心用力!
Use your core. Use your core!
他们追过来了!
They're coming for us!
莎伦一点都没帮忙!
Shannon is doing nothing!
他妈的车在哪呢?!
Oh, where the hell is the car?!
一切变化始于那天夜晚
The wheels started to fall off
那是我们教堂最大的募捐活动...
The night before our church's biggest fundraiser ...
宾果富矿的前一晚
Bingo bonanza.
我妈妈是活动主管
My mom was chair of the event.
这个活动把她最爱的两样东西合二为一...
It combined two of the things she loved the most ...
为教堂服务以及让别人都看着她做事
Serving the church and having everyone watch her do it.
这样就能
That is how you make
打出一个简单的九瓣蝴蝶结了
an easy nine-finger articulated medallion bow.
爸爸把所有的捐赠品都交给妈妈
My dad was bringing home the mother of all donations
我妈妈最关心的捐赠品是...
and the donation my mother cared about most of all...
跟芝加哥警方一起巡逻的机会
A ride-along with the chicago P.D.
我没拿到巡逻机会
I didn't get the ride-along.
什么?! 为什么?
What?! Why not?
明显是因为上次的巡逻之后咱们被起诉了
Because apparently, we're being sued after the last one.
你觉得自己特安全是吧?
You think you're so tough up there?
为什么? 就因为这个笼子能保护你?
Why? 'cause you're protected by this cage?
我会找到你的牙医!
Well, I'm-a find you, dentist!
我会找到你我会让你死无葬身之地!
I'm-a find you, I'm-a kill you!
别听他说废话他就喜欢小题大做
Don't listen to him. He's a drama queen.
你觉得我说着玩的么龟儿子?!
You think I'm playin', son?!
那无声竞拍怎么办?
What about the silent auction?
巡逻是我们的特♥等♥奖♥
The ride-along was our big-ticket item.
现在我们没有特♥等♥奖♥了
Now we don't have our big-ticket item.
朱迪
Jodi.
没事没事
It's okay.
我不能因为自己不冷静
I didn't get to be chair of the bingo bonanza
而丢掉了宾果富矿主管的位置
by losing my cool.
明白么?
Hmm?
帕特既然我们没法巡逻了
Pat. Since you couldn't get the ride-along,
那么我觉得咱们还有其他可以拿来拍卖♥♥的东西
I think there's something else we could auction off.
我的皮划艇可不行!
Not my canoe!
这东西都放了七年了
We've had this thing for seven years,
从来都没有下过水
and it's never even touched water.
但它可以下水啊
But it could.
而且我可以不夸张的说
And look, I hope this doesn't sound too extreme,
这艘皮划艇承载了我所有的希望和梦想
but this canoe symbolizes all my hopes and dreams.
我觉得这个能拍到三千刀啊
I bet we could get 3 grand for it.
艾琳!
Eileen!
咱们再好好考虑下
Let's talk about it.
我们从来都不谈论问题以至于现在我要
We never talk about things, and then I end up
急急忙忙把我的皮划艇送走
Getting railroaded into giving up my canoe.
好好好
Okay.
但是我邀请了主教来
But I invited the bishop to bingo bonanza.
我还希望他能看到我们的慷慨大方
I was hoping that he'd see how generous we are
然后为吉米写一封
and then he'd write a recommendation
去巴黎圣母院的推荐信呢
for Jimmy to go to notre dame
这样他就不用一辈子
So he wouldn't end up living with us
都和我们一直住一起了谁让他这么笨呢
For the rest of his life because he's a little dumb.
看到了吧?
See that?
这就是爱尔兰天主教灭绝师太的心灵控制法
That's Irish-Catholic jedi mind control.
太棒了
This is tremendous.
艾琳我会把奥尼尔家印在教堂的公告上
Eileen, I'd like to honor all your hard work
以此来感谢你的辛勤劳动
By featuring the o'neals in the church bulletin.
你有近期的全家福么?
So do you have a recent family photo?
当然
Of course I do.
我给你拿个优盘
I'll get you a flash drive.
当菲尔神父看着
Okay. While father Phil was looking through
1000张一模一样的照片的时候
1,000 of the exact same photos,
我正在卧室跟我动手动脚的女朋友蜜蜜在一起
I was in my bedroom with my handsy girlfriend, mimi.
我喜欢皮塔
I love Peta.
但是...
Mm. But...
我们在一起都半年了
We have been dating for six months,
你从没有给我压力要和我上♥床♥
and you have never once pressured me to have sex.
所以我想和你爱爱
Which is why I want to have sex.
但... 但是菲尔神父还在楼下呢
Uh, b-but father Phil is downstairs,
而且他还在工作呢
and he's wearing his collar.
我又不在乎我是半个犹太人
I don't care. I'm half-jewish.
喔噢
Whoa.
48个套套
Uh, that's 48 condoms.
12个看起来不够用呀
12 didn't seem like enough.
你知道这些有什么用么?
Are you sure you understand how they work?
肯尼
Kenny.
好吧好吧好吧
Okay. Okay. Okay.
你去哪?
Where are you going?
我去戴上
To put one of these on.
你可以在这戴啊
But you can do that in here.
但是...
But...
我想先撒个尿所以...
I want to make an entrance, so...
好的吧
Okay.
好吧
Okay.
我可以的
I can do this.
我可以的
I can do this.
有什么问题呢?
What's the problem?
我这么紧张干吗?
Why am I so nervous?
我不知道呀你觉得呢
I don't know. Why do you think?
你在我的镜子里干什么没穿上衣的香水模特?
What are you doing in my mirror, shirtless cologne model?
你来告诉我呀
You tell me.
你好呀