瑞克和莫蒂（2013）

Yes, your majesty.
我们都知道太阳的力量 跟太阳骑士共存亡
We all know the sun's power lives and dies with your knights.
－你是谁？ －我是…我…
Who are you? -Who am... Who...
我是火星侯爵
I am the Marquis of Mars!
我要对你们所有人宣战 我要对所有人宣战
And I declare war on all of you! War on all of you!
我们最需要太阳骑士的时候 他们跑去哪里了？
Where are the Knights of the Sun when we need them most?
说来真巧…
Funny you should ask.
他们消失了
They're gone.
他们抛下了自己的职责
They've abandoned their duties.
－我透过骨头看到了 －天啊，骨头还真准
I see it in the bones. -Damn, the bones nailed it.
好，所以你们有太空船和巫女吗？
Okay, so you have space ships and magic ladies?
听着，我没办法把所有书看完
Look, I'm not gonna read all the books,
到底要怎样才能 结束这场月球之子闹剧？
what will it take to let this Sons of the Moon fiasco resolve itself.
不好意思 你是怎么变成太阳之王的？
Excuse me. How did you become King of the Sun?
你看起来很像地球人
You look like an Earthling.
－圣诞老人？ －圣诞老人？
Santa? -Santa?
那是什么鬼东西？我可是地球伯爵
What the hell is that, I'm the Earl of Earth goddammit.
我认同地球这一点
I agree with Earth on one thing.
金星质疑这位国王掌权的正当性
Venus questions the legitimacy of this King's authority.
－我的人♥民♥支持我同意 －太阳应该是我们的
My people say I say aye! Never! -That sun shall be ours!
－不行 －我就是国王
I'm the King!
权杖在我手上
I've got the scepter right here!
－搞什么？ －对…
What the fuck? -Yeah
我知道你们都很紧张 因为权杖不在太阳上
Yeah I know you're freaking out because it's not on the sun.
不对，是因为拥有权杖的人
No, because whoever has it
可以统治太阳系 -可以抢走，快去抢
rules the solar system! -It's up for grabs, get it!
上吧
After it!
很好，权杖在我手上
Yes! Yes! I have the scepter.
木星马上就会变成我们太阳系 最新的黑暗时代中心
Soon Jupiter will be the center of our solar system's newest dark age...
不可以，水星会成为太阳系最…
Fuck that, Mercury will now be the shining beacon of...
我们该豁出去了
Time to throw it all against the wall!
我觉得你表现得很好
I think you crushed it.
不是任何人都能引发 第一次太阳系大战
I mean, not just anybody can start Solar War One.
－别再支持我了 －收到
Stop supporting me! -Can do.
（第一次太阳系大战）
（木星将权杖纳入引力控制）
（水星快速夺走了权杖）
（金星使用新技术制♥造♥混乱）
（土星对金星使用芥子毒气）
天啊，真没想到给阿米希人核弹
Damn, who would have thought giving the Amish nukes
会危害到整个太阳系
would threaten the solar system?
或许我们应该跳转宇宙
Maybe we should just jump universes.
我觉得不太好，我们现在要试着更坚毅一点，懂吗？
I don't know buddy, feels like we're kind of more about trying out commitment now, ya know?
我们可以一起脑力激荡
Let's put our heads together,
或许有我们还没试过的办法
maybe there's something we haven't tried yet.
我有个点子，去死吧
Oh, here's an idea. Fuck you!
－喂 －瑞克，我受够了
Hey! -Rick, I can't take it,
我承认我错了，我搞砸了 你快把我逼疯了
I admit I'm wrong, I screwed up,
你快把我逼死了 又要重演强酸池事件了吗？
you're killing me here yes-anding me to death, what is this, Vat of Acid again?
听着，很抱歉我之前那么机车
Look man, I'm sorry I've been such a dick in the past
让你以为我现在有什么计谋
that you think I'm doing a thing here.
我真的只是想对你更好一点
I'm honestly just trying to do better by you.
你是机器人吗？
Are you a robot?
－莫蒂 －你是克隆人吗？
Morty! -A clone?
莫蒂，这个家已经有 够多克隆人和机器人了
Morty! This family's got enough clones and robots in it.
莫蒂，别再问这种事了
Come on, Morty, stop asking what you're asking
快处理我们遇到的危机吧
and let's just get back to our crisis.
抱歉，你伤了我太多次，瑞克
I'm sorry, it's just been a hard road with you, Rick.
莫蒂，我能理解，但你要相信我
Morty, I get that but you can trust me when I say
我真的只是想对你好一点
I'm just trying to do right by you.
好，瑞克，你说得没错
Okay, Rick. You're right,
或许我可以集结一些骑士
maybe I just need to round up some Knights?
我打破了之前那些骑士的迷思 我只要重建他们的迷思就好
If I disillusioned the old ones, I'll just have to reillusion them.
应该不会太难，对吧？
It shouldn't be that hard, right?
兄弟们，我们得一起回到通道
Cousins, we need to return to the walkway at once!
你们在笑什么？ 我说了什么好笑的话吗？
Why are you laughing, did I say something funny?
莫坦纽
Oh, Mortaniel!
我们现在就只会为黑贝蒂屈膝
The only person we bend the knee to these days is that sweet Black Betty.
没错，布朗史东先生万岁
Yeah man, all hail Mr. Brownstone!
还有他的医生，舒服医生
And his doctor. Feelgood that is!
他们在讲海♥洛♥因♥，莫蒂，他们很喜欢
They're talking about heroin, Morty, they like it.
－那当然 －当然？
Obviously. -Obviously?
而且住在太阳 让我们的血管变成了三键碳
Apparently living on the sun has turned our veins into triple-bonded carbon,
所以你听好了，莫坦纽
so try this tale on for size, Mortaniel.
我们不会用药过量
We can't OD!
真是的，你们状况非常糟糕
C'mon, you guys are a mess.
他们看起来状况很好，莫蒂
Well, they actually seem kinda awesome, Morty.
让我当你们的王吧
Lemme be your king.
我承认我想要你们曾经拥有的东西
I admit I wanted what you once had.
兄弟情谊、传统、稳定、意义
Brotherhood, tradition, stability, purpose.
我只是不想为此切掉我的老二
I just didn't want to cut my dick off for it.
对，这就是重点
Yeah that's the point.
我们当初马上就跟随这小子
We were quick to follow this boy before,
却没逼他遵循我们的传统
without even forcing him to commit to our traditions.
他毁了我们的信仰和我们的通道
And all he did was break our faith and our walkway.
现在这个路人 又要来对我们发号♥施令？
And now, this random fucking guy is here again to tell us what to do?
门都没有
No fucking way.
如果我切掉我的老二呢？
What if I cut off my dick?
但那么做根本没有意义
But you'd be cutting it off for no reason.
对，传统的重点就是要做没意义的事
Yeah that's the point of tradition, doing things for no reason,
为了你们而做就是足够的意义了
but it'd be reason enough doing it for you guys.
你如果这么做，就能跟海♥洛♥因♥相比了
Well you do that, that would compete with heroin.
太好了，我可以先失陪一下吗？
Cool, cool can I maybe get maybe a minute?
小子，怎么了？
Buddy, what's up?
你对自己的处境 得出了悲伤的结论吗？
Reaching some sad conclusions about your situation?
对，但是通道需要那些骑士
Yes, but that walkway needs those knights,
那些骑士又需要没有老二的国王
those knights need a king and that king needs no dick!
天啊，莫蒂，你真的很有担当
Damn, Morty, you really are stepping up.
但要不要我帮助你不用切老二？
Now do you want me to help you not have to cut your dick off though?
－好，拜托 －包在我身上
Yes please! -Then I got you.
你是真心的吗，瑞克？
You really mean it, Rick?
当然了，小子，我会给你一个假老二
Of course, buddy. I'll give you a fake dick.
还有三层的防护措施 他们绝对分不出差异
With three layers of failsafes, they'll never know the difference.
没事，莫蒂 我们会让你有超假的老二
Morty. We're gonna make your dick so fake, buddy.
传来讯号♥了，长官，太阳骑士回来了
The signal! Sir the Knights of the Sun are once more!
停火，如果我们能回到过去那样
Hold fire! If this return to the Old Ways is true,
我愿意回家并终止一切的杀戮
I'd be willing to return home and put an end to the bloodshed.
长官，要不要暂缓使用反物质氢弹？
Sir, Shall we hold off on the anti matter hydrogen bombing?
那些骑士也帮不了太阳什么忙 因为他们的…
Those crusty knights won't do the sun much good without their...
先听听他们怎么说吧
Let's hear them out.
我是隋夫多之子利斯多 我会负责监督你们国王的断根过程
I, Lithdor, son of Thrifdor personally oversee the stumping of thy King's stem.
如果他真的断根了 星际之间就能恢复和平
If his stem burns true, peace will be restored between the spheres!
上剪刀
Present the shears of stumping!
－勇者莫蒂 －你可以的，国王
Morty the brave! You got this, my king! -Yes! Good for you!
首先呢，请先穿越这台机器
First thing's first, step through this machine
检查有没有纳米科技投影老二
which checks for nano technological hologram dicks.
－什么？ －战争让我们见识到了
What? -War opened our eyes
新技术的奥妙
to the wonders of new technologies!
请穿越这扇门吧，陛下
Please, step through my liege.
抱歉，陛下，但我们还需要请你再穿越第二台机器
Sorry, my lord, but we're gonna need you to step through this second machine
检查有没有紧急复♥制♥老二
which checks for emergency clone dicks.
天啊，你们真的用了 很多特别的新技术，对吧？
Oh wow, you guys really embraced a lot of specific new tech.
有太阳黑子
A sunspot!
什么？哪里？
What? Where?
天啊，还有第三台侦测器吗？
Boy, is that a third detector I see as well?
你通过第二台侦测器后就会知道
You'll find out after the second one,
我们不喜欢
we don't like to reveal them
在先前的侦测门槛通过前揭晓
until the previous detecting threshold has been crossed.
好吧
Right.
第三台侦测器会扫描假老二
The third detector is going to scan for a prosthetic dick.
很好
Oh good.
请接受检查
Okay well go on through,
我们说的＂假老二＂是指巫术老二
and of course, by prosthetic we mean witchcraft dick.