瑞克和莫蒂（2013）

Fuck!
醒醒，尿大♥师♥，醒醒
Come on Pissmaster, come on.
可恶
Damn it.
是我
It's me.
拜托，拜托你开门
Please, please just open up
爸？妈跟我说你都没回她电♥话♥ 我很担心，好吗？
Dad? Mom told me you weren't responding to her calls and I'm worried, okay?
我知道我曾经在我的播客上大肆批评你
I know I said terrible things about you on my podcast,
我只是…你让我很心烦
it's just, I've been so frustrated with you.
你如果真的做了什么事
Look, if you were to ever do something
我绝对会自责一辈子
I'd never stop blaming myself.
拜托，拜托让我知道你没事
Just, please. Please let me know you're okay.
该死
God damn it.
我没事，宝贝，我们没事
I'm okay honey, we're good.
我还以为你怎么了
I thought something happened to you.
我可以告诉你，我如果真的怎么了
I can tell you for sure. If anything happens to me,
百分之百不是你的错 是我自己的选择
it's 100% not on you, it's my own choice.
你这样讲 好像还是想做什么不好的事
You still sound like you're gonna do something bad.
答应我不要那样，好吗？
Just promise you won't, okay?
好吧，我答应你
Okay, yeah. Promise.
我爱你，爸
Love you, Dad.
该死
Fuck.
＂就这样 我要因为杰瑞史密斯自杀了＂
Well this is it. I'm killing myself because of Jerry Smith.
＂那个地球人、红鹤爸＂
The Earth man. FlamingoDad.
＂看到大家因为我被痛殴而欢呼 让我明白了＂
Seeing them all cheer as I got my ass whipped made me realize.
＂大家都希望看到我失败＂
People just wanna see me fail.
＂我一直以来的愿望 就只是证明大家都是错的＂
All I've ever wanted to do is prove them wrong.
救命
Help!
等等，你是谁？
Wait! Who are you?
尿大♥师♥，记得告诉大家是尿大♥师♥救了你
Pissmaster. Make, make sure you tell everybody Pissmaster saved you.
刚刚那是热导引导弹，不是普通导弹
Those were heat-seeking pissiles by the way. Not just missiles.
好
Oh, okay.
＂准备好迎接尿了吗？＂
Y'all ready for piss?
喂，尿大♥师♥
Yo! Pissmaster!
你是因为想让大家 忘记你很烂才救那只猫的吗？
You saving that cat to make people forget you suck?
不是，我只是纯粹想救猫
Nope, just saving it to save it.
好吧，真无聊
Okay, we got nothing.
（儿童医院）
（冰上奇迹：癌症病院的 全新尿液溜冰场）
（尿大♥师♥是黄金之神吗？）
（尿我，我是爱尔兰人）
（１７则让我们认同 尿大♥师♥超赞的推特发文）
（我其实蛮喜欢尿大♥师♥回归的）
（尿大♥师♥现在还蛮性感的）
（那个尿人太酷了）
＂尿＂
Piss! Pee! Urine! Number one! Pee pee! Piss! Pee pee!
看啊，是尿大♥师♥
Look, it's Pissmaster!
王医师，怎么了？
Dr. Wong, what's up?
瑞克，你预约的咨♥询♥时间到了
Rick, you're late for your session.
－取消吧，跟我收费，我没事了 －你没事了？
Cancel it. Bill me. I'm good. -You're good?
对，我穿上了敌人的服装 结果我超喜欢的
Yeah see, I put on the suit of my enemy and I fucking love it.
我现在要做个超大炸♥弹♥放在城市里
Now I'm gonna make a giant bomb, plant it in a city,
然后用他的服装自动驾驶 把炸♥弹♥带到外太空引爆
and then have his suit auto-pilot the bomb into space.
大家都会以为尿大♥师♥牺牲了自己
Boom. Everyone will think Pissmaster sacrificed himself.
他会英勇而死，我也能得到 我自己永远无法得到的胜利 就当作是锦上添花
He dies a hero, I get a win I'd otherwise never get myself, nice wet bow on top.
我很想质疑你这一切，不过呢 你好像完全做对了
I'm tempted to second guess a lot of that but I think you might be nailing it.
－什么？ －你该做能让你无拘无束又开心的事
What? -If it's free and fun, do it.
这听起来很健康
It sounds healthy.
这不是我的目标，但谢谢你告诉我
That wasn't my goal but, good to know.
该死，我该挂电♥话♥了
Shit, gotta go.
没错，还有奴隶星球的事
No, exactly. And the slave planet thing,
我听说他用尿液 割断了他们的铁链，所以…
I hear he broke their chains with pure urine, so.
大家好，抱歉迟到了，刚刚路上很塞
Hey guys, sorry I'm late, lot of traffic on the orbway.
请坐，杰瑞
Take a seat, Jerry.
我们正在讨论尿大♥师♥的光荣崛起
We were just discussing Pissmaster's honorable rise.
谁在乎啊，对吧？
I mean, who cares, right?
他是现在的话题人物 他变得很讨喜，甚至变善良了
People are talking about him. He's becoming likable. Good, even.
但他是尿大♥师♥
But he's Pissmaster.
人是会改变的，杰瑞
People change, Jerry.
大家都喜欢东山再起的故事
Everyone loves a comeback story.
－没错 －对
Yes. -I agree.
有谁赞成让尤金麦可尿 也就是尿大♥师♥ 加入能量球会？
All in favor of offering orbship to Eugene Michael Piss, aka Pissmaster?
－赞成 －赞成
Orb-yes. -Orb-yes.
有谁反对？
All those opposed?
我当然反对
Obviously orb-no.
能量球会已经做出决策
The orbship has spoken.
杰瑞，我觉得这对你来说 会是很棒的考验
You know what Jerry, I think this is a good test for you.
你如果没办法宽宏大量去招募尿大♥师♥
If you can't let go of your pettiness enough to recruit Pissmaster,
那你或许就不配拥有能量球
maybe you don't deserve your orb.
杰瑞，你如果没成功招募到他，就别回来了
And Jerry. Don't come back without him.
现场一片混乱
Absolute chaos!
没人知道炸♥弹♥是谁放的
No one knows who planted the bomb,
但我们可以肯定的是，孤儿岛
But one thing is clear. Orphan Island,
这座全是孤儿的城市 有可能将会遭到毁灭
A city populated entirely by orphans, now sits on the brink of doom.
孤儿岛防爆小组目前正在试图拆解炸♥弹♥
The Orphan Island bomb squad is trying to dismantle it as we speak.
我得重申，我才八岁
I can't stress enough, I'm 8 years old,
我不知道自己在干嘛
I have no idea what I'm doing!
看啊，是尿大♥师♥
Look! It's Pissmaster!
糟糕，没时间拆解了
Oh no, there's no time to dismantle it!
快走吧，这里不安全
Come on, it's not safe here.
击拳…
Pisspop? Pisspop? Pisspop?
－尿大♥师♥ －杰瑞？你怎么会来？
Pissmaster. -Jerry, what are you doing here?
尤金麦可尿，奉仙女座菌株之旨
Eugene Michael Piss. By decree of the Andromeda strain,
我们伟大的理事会 要将这个能量球赠予你，你得收下
our great council presents you with this orb, which you have to take.
滚开，杰瑞，我在忙
Fuck off, Jerry, I'm in the middle of something.
什么？这是你可以获得的至高荣誉
Excuse me? Hey, this is the greatest honor you could ever be given.
－我不想要 －你一定要收下
I don't want it! -Well you have to take it.
天啊，你快滚吧
Jesus Christ, get the fuck out of here!
他要把炸♥弹♥带到外太空
He's flying it into space!
他要牺牲自我
He's gonna sacrifice himself!
快回来，你这不知感恩的混♥蛋♥
Get back here, you ungrateful shit!
你有什么毛病？ 你这样会毁掉我的英勇之死
What is your problem? You're screwing up my hero death!
很好
Good!
红鹤爸希望我们被炸死吗？
FlamingoDad wants us to blow up?
他是什么时候变成烂人的？
When did he become a shitheel?
人生真是难以预料
Life comes at you fast.
天啊，爸，有人在录影
Jesus, Dad! People are filming!
是啊，可以收敛一点吗？
Yeah, maybe dial it back?
瑞克？
Rick?
－尿装，带着酬载自动驾驶 －没问题
PissSuit! Auto-pilot the payload! -Confirmed.
（最新消息：尿大♥师♥牺牲自我）
我爸太棒了
That's my fucking dad.
－杰瑞？ －爸，你没事吧？
Jerry? -Dad, are you okay?
你♥爸♥是尿大♥师♥？
Your father is the fucking Pissmaster!
外公？搞什么？
Grandpa? What the hell?
杰瑞，怎么回事？
Jerry, what is this?
怎么有人说你变烂人了？
People are saying you turned shitheel?
尿大♥师♥其实是我岳父 你们不如问他吧？
Well apparently my father-in-law is Pissmaster so why don't you ask him?
搞什…瑞克山查兹是尿大♥师♥？
What the? Rick Sanchez, the Pissmaster?
－这样观感会很不好 －这家人真是的
Okay, this is not a good look. -This family, man
听着，我不清楚 你们两个在搞什么花招
Look, I don't know what kinda weird shit you two are pulling
但你们都不配拥有能量球
but it's completely unstickworthy.
－就到此为止 －但我并不知情
We're done here. -But I didn't know!
我是好人，是我让你们出名的
I'm a good guy, I made you all famous!
我已经一千岁了
I'm a thousand years old.
你知道我见过多少红鹤爸吗？
You know how many "Flamingo Dads" I've seen?
别闹了
Don't orb us.
我不懂，尿大♥师♥从头到尾都是你吗？
I don't get it. You were Pissmaster the whole time?
当然不是，杰瑞，我是在尿大♥师♥自…
Obviously not, Jerry, I put the suit on once Pissmaster kill...
在你害他…
When, when you made him...
对，尿大♥师♥从头到尾都是我
Yeah. I've always been Pissmaster.
那就代表你是故意让爸痛殴你 好让他…
But, that would mean you let my dad beat you up just so he could, like,
更有自信？
feel more confident?
－天啊 －真是的，瑞克
Damn, Rick.
－太棒了 －等等
Yeah that's amazing. -Hold on,
大家这么快就接受这件事了吗？
Everyone's just accepting this?