退休警察烦事多（2016）

Kevin Can Wait S02E20

Part 3 Aug. 11, 2020, 9:07 a.m.

我本来练得身材很好
and I was getting in wicked-good shape.
我差点就能架在两把椅子上劈叉了
I was almost able to do like a split between two chairs.
像尚格云顿一样
Like Van Damme.
你看过尚格云顿
You ever see Van Damme in the movies
在电影里劈叉下去对吗
where he does the splits as he get down low?
劈叉也在我的愿望清单上
Oh, these splits -- that's another thing on my list.
那是永远不可能的
Okay, well, that's not gonna happen.
-你现在捡地上的铅笔都费劲 -好吧
- You can barely pick up a pencil off the floor. - Okay.
你指望我怎样我后背受过伤
What do you want? I got a bad back, okay?
但我身体的其他部分就像无骨鸡一样
But for the rest of me, I'm like a boneless chicken.
-软着呢特别柔软 -够了
- I'm very supple. Very supple. - Okay.
你知道吗我不想再继续这次对话了
You know what I want? To be out of this conversation.
如果跟你去吃晚餐能让你闭嘴那好
So if going to dinner with you will shut you up, great!
我们周六去吃晚餐
Let's do dinner Saturday.
好太好了
Fine. I love it. All right.
你想吃头那么大的牛排
Uh, y-you want to do, uh, head steaks
还是拳头那么大的饺子
or the, uh, fist dumplings?
-我无所谓 -选一个
- Doesn't matter, hun. - Pick one.
拳头饺子
Fist dumplings.
不要比都没法比去吃大牛排
Nope, not even close. Head steaks.
不如这样吧
You know what?
不去吃晚餐了
Forget dinner.
我要给自己办场排队
I'm gonna throw myself a party.
你说什么
What's that, now?
你说得对
Yeah, I mean, you were right.
我之前在想些什么
What am I thinking about?
我的生活好得很
I mean, my life is pretty great.
我该给自己办场生日派对
And I should throw myself a birthday bash.
我从没说"好得很"
I never said "great."
我说你还行过得还行
I mean, you're-you're bumping along, doing fine.
不拜托我从没办过这种派对
No! Come on, like, I've never done it.
我要邀请我所有的朋友
Like, you know, I'm gonna invite all my friends,
租个地方
rent out a space.
调一种独家鸡尾酒叫"塞露奇日出"
I'll get a signature drink -- a "Cellucci Sunrise""
这名字好我的天
I love that! Oh, my God.
然后我租一辆豪华轿车
And then I'll get a limo --
我不认为那是个好主意
Uh, you know, I-I think it's a bad idea.
首先豪华轿车特别危险
First of all, limos are very dangerous
知道为什么吗
'cause -- You know why?
造车的技师自己不开那种车
The mechanics who work on 'em, they don't own 'em,
所以他们不在乎
so they don't-they don't care.
你够了肯定会很开心的
Oh, shut up. Well, this is gonna be great.
我这就开始计划
I'm gonna start planning it.
你知道吗谢谢你凯文
You know what? Thank you, Kevin.
你说得对
You're right.
真是急转直下
That went straight in the crapper.
让我确认一下我听懂了
Let me see if I got this right --
瓦妮莎就快来了
Vanessa's on her way,
她要邀请我们去沙滩派对
and she's gonna invite us to a beach party,
但我们得拒绝她
but we're supposed to say no?
是的我已经给她朋友们打过电♥话♥了
Yeah. I already called all her contacts.
他们都会这么做知道吗
They're doing the same thing, all right?
他们都要来参加
They're all coming to my surprise party
我在猴拳办的惊喜派对
that I'm throwing at Monkey Fist.
但沙滩派对听起来更好
But the one at the beach sounds better.
好吧根本不会有沙滩派对莫特
Okay. There is no party at the beach, Mott.
我要阻止那个派对我的派对会很棒的
I'm squashing it, all right? Mine's gonna be awesome.
再说我还找了鲁特格尔来当DJ
Besides, I got Rootger deejaying.
你是DJ
You're a DJ?
是的在这我只是鲁特格尔
Yeah. Here, I'm Rootger.
但在荷兰我是MC鲁特
But in Holland, I'm MC Root --
能让派对
the man who makes the party...
特别带劲的人
...A wicked-good time.
叫瓦妮莎自己策划派对
Wouldn't it just be easier
不是会简单很多吗
to let Vanessa plan her own party?
那样你就不用费事了
Then you'd be off the hook.
不行我花了很多心思
No. I put in a lot of work for this, all right?
食物我都买♥♥好了
I-I bought all the food.
装饰什么的都买♥♥好了
I got the decorations and stuff.
我完全是出于心中的善意才做的这些
I did all this stuff out of the kindness of my heart.
我要她记得我的好派对必须办
I'm getting credit for it. That's what I'm doing.
你们得想个借口就行知道吗
I need you guys to just come up with an excuse, all right?
不用做别的
That's all I'm asking.
我不擅长说谎
Oh, I'm not good at lying.
我一说谎就出很多汗
I start sweating like crazy.
反正你总是出很多汗
Okay, you sweat like crazy anyway.
不会有事的她不会发现的
You're gonna be fine. She's not gonna know.
瓦妮莎今天给我打了三通电♥话♥
You know, Vanessa tried calling me three times today, and...
我得看着手♥机♥屏幕上她的照片
Man, just to see her face on that screen
无视她的电♥话♥ 好难
and me having to ignore the call -- tough.
你手♥机♥里有她的照片
You have a picture of her on your phone?
是的我偷♥拍♥的
Yeah, I took a quick shot of her
在她感恩节打盹的时候
when she dozed off on Thanksgiving.
好了她来了
All right, here she comes.
你好吗
How's it going? All right?
你把手♥机♥落在办公室了
Left your phone at the office.
-谢谢你 -不客气
- Oh, thank you. - You're welcome.
-派对计划得怎么样了 -糟透了
- How's the party planning going? - Oh, my -- Awful.
什么
What?!
是的我邀请的所有人都不能来
Yes, everybody I invited can't come.
太让人失望了
That is so disappointing.
让我告诉你
I-I mean, I gotta tell you,
我们会去的对不对兄弟们
we'll-we'll be there, right, boys?
其实我去不了
Um, actually, I can't make it.
迪迪和我得去参加婚礼
Didi and I have a wedding to attend.
-什么 -我也去不了
- Whaaat? - I, uh -- I can't go, either.
天这里太热了
Oh, God, it's so hot in here.
鲁特格尔你呢
Rootger, what about you?
真对不起我不能去
I'm so sorry. I can't.
我得去医生那复诊
I have to go back to the doctor.
我脚趾上又长东西了
That thing on my toe came back.
什么
What?
真不敢相信你们
You guys are unbelievable.
真的
Yeah, really!
每次你们需要我的时候
I mean, it's like, every time you need me,
-我都在 -每次
- I'm there. - Every time.
等到我过生日办派对的时候
And then, when it's my birthday, my party...
-没错 -所有人都有事
- Yeah. - ...everybody's busy.
没错你们真让我恶心
Exactly. You sicken me.
让我恶心恶心得不得了
You sicken-a me to the height of sickenness.
难以置信别为他们烦心我会去的
Just unbelievable. Don't even worry about them. I'll be there.
太过分了伙计们
Yeah, not cool, guys.
我也会去帮你庆祝的瓦妮莎
I'll be there for you, too, Vanessa.
-是的 -不用了
- Yeah. - No, no.
谢谢你但算了我取消派对好了
Thank you, but forg- i'm just gonna cancel the party.
我们照原计划去吃晚餐行吗
We'll just go back to the dinner thing, all right?
看来只能这样了
I-I guess that's probably best now.
那好大家回头见
All right, I'll see you guys later.
-好的 -好的
- All right. -All right.
老天
Geez.
做得好兄弟们
All right, good job, boys.
你让我们看起来像蠢蛋
You made us look like idiots.
太过分了伙计
Not cool, guy.
你确定你想这样对她吗
What, are you sure you want to do this to her?
等我们大呼"惊喜"
Once we all yell "Surprise,"
所有的痛苦都会消失的知道吗
all the pain goes away, all right?
我就是这么给我家孩子过生日的
It's exactly like I did with my kids.
我让他们以为我把生日忘了
I'd make them think I forgot their birthday.
等他们看到气球
And then once they saw the balloons
礼物什么的特别开心
and the prizes and stuff, all good times.